“Back to what?”
“You not telling me things.”
I lowered my eyes. “Mike got a letter from my dad. It was really hard to read it—and to see my brother that upset. We both had a little too much to drink after.”
“What did the letter say?”
“Mike told him that he was getting married and that he wanted him and my mother to come to the wedding, but my father said no, and that as far as he was concerned we were dead to him.”
“Oh my God, Jess.” Justin pulled me closer to him and wrapped one of his arms around me. “Now I feel like a jerk for getting mad at you. I’m sorry. Your dad’s an asshole. How can he not see how awesome you and your brother are?”
“It doesn’t matter. To be honest, I don’t really want to think about it anymore.”
Being in Justin’s arms was comforting and it helped me to forget things I didn’t like thinking about. I wanted him to spend the night, but I wouldn’t ask him to do that. He couldn’t sleep with his prosthetic legs on, and it would be impossible for him to get in and out of the shower in my apartment without them. It was late when Justin left and I hated watching him go because after he was gone I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from thinking about all the things I was too afraid to mention to him.
Chapter 21
Midterm exams came and went. They were a good excuse for not having a lot of time to talk, but after they were done I couldn’t think of a reason to cut my nightly conversations with Justin short. It wasn’t that I didn’t like talking to him, but every conversation took my mind to things I hated thinking about. I watched Mike and Mel together and knew I’d never have what they did. Mike had a family with her, which was something I’d never have with Justin. I swore to Mike and even to Justin that my father’s words didn’t matter to me, but it was a lie. I tried convincing myself that Justin’s mother was wrong for telling me everything she had told me, but I was fooling myself. Every time I looked at my reflection in the mirror I remembered her words. You don’t fit. She was wrong about my feelings for Justin, but she was right about everything else. From the time Justin and I shared a cab and I saw the building he lived in I should’ve convinced myself that I wasn’t right for him. If he hadn’t been injured, would he ever have been interested in a girl like me? I couldn’t help but wonder if he lowered his standards because he didn’t think he could do better than someone like me. Maybe that was the real reason he didn’t want to move out of his parent’s house and in with me.
It was April and most of the students in my classes were doing the spring break thing. Justin and I were spending our Sunday together like we almost always did. We stopped by a coffee shop, brought our lattes to the park near my apartment, and sat beside each other on a bench. Justin threw out some crumbs for the pigeons.
“You better be careful or we’ll get swarmed,” I warned him.
Just then a pigeon flew over Justin’s head and its droppings landed on his shoulder. I laughed while Justin tried to wipe his shirt.
“They say it’s supposed to be good luck.”
“Oh, really?” He looked at me when he was done cleaning his shirt. “Since I’ve got all this supposed good luck all of a sudden then I should ask you what I want to ask you before it disappears.”
My heart beat a little faster. I had no idea what he was going to ask, but I knew what I wanted him to.
“What is it?” I took a sip of my coffee.
“I was hoping for another weekend together.”
Another weekend. That wasn’t enough for me anymore. I braced myself for what I was about to say and lowered my gaze. “I don’t think so.” It was impossibly hard telling him no. I always wanted to give him everything he wanted, but what about what I wanted?
Justin furrowed his brow. “Why not?” he asked, confused by my response.
“How long are we going to keep doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Sneaking off to hotel rooms,” I said blankly. “It’s just not the way normal couples do things.”
“I didn’t realize you felt that way.” Justin turned to face me and rested his hand on my knee. “But from the beginning you knew we weren’t exactly a normal couple. And I’ve told you a million times I don’t mind staying at your place, but you’re so hung up about it.”
“Because I don’t want my brother walking in on us, and my apartment is disgusting. You know that.”
“We don’t have to do anything. You know I’m fine just being with you.”
“If that’s the case, why is it that I can’t come to your house?”
“You can come over anytime you like. You’re the one who doesn’t want to.”
“It’s not like I don’t have a reason. Your mother hates my guts, she doesn’t want the two of us together. How am I supposed to spend time around someone who feels that way about me?”
“I told you. . .”
“Yes, yes, yes, you told me she’d get over it eventually once I was done kissing her ass.” A shocked looked passed over Justin’s face. I was upset and not hiding it very well. “But you’re wrong. I heard what she said about me on Christmas Eve, she thinks I’m after your money. She doesn’t like me, and that’s never going to change.”
“What do you mean you heard what she said on Christmas Eve?”
“Do you remember that I told you that night that I got cold so I went back to your place without Jeff?” Justin nodded. “Well, I got back a lot earlier than you thought I did. I heard you arguing with your mother behind the door.”
My confession caught Justin by surprise. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“For what? What difference would it have made? You live with your mother, you need her, and she’s the one you trust to take care of you, not me.”
“That’s not how it is.” Justin reached for my hand. I let him hold it but I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes as he spoke. “I’ve told my mother plenty of times that I love you and that you’re a part of my life, but I can always talk to her again.”
“No! You don’t get it. Your mother HATES me. She practically told me herself the day after your birthday.”
“The day after my birthday? What are you talking about?”
“She came over. . .”
“To your house?”
I nodded. “Yes. She was angry at me that you decided to spend the weekend with me and skip your party. She doesn’t believe that I really love you, she thinks I’m only interested in your money. Your mother told me I’d never fit into your family.”
“Those were her exact words?” I nodded and Justin’s eyes widened in anger, he stood up and walked a few paces away before turning around to face me. “Why are you only telling me this now?”
“Because I knew it wouldn’t make a difference,” I said with my voice raised. Weeks of pent up emotions came rolling out. “Your mother was right. You might be mad at her now, but you won’t stay mad, because you don’t believe in me enough to stand up to her.”
“That’s not true.”
I thought I was doing so well until I felt a tear make its way down my cheek. I lowered my head, not wanting Justin to see.
“Justin, don’t you see how messed up this is for me? I’ve told you more than once how badly it hurts that I don’t have a family. And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’ll never have one with you. Can’t you at least try and understand how much that hurts?”
Justin shoved his hands into his pockets. “I can’t control my mother. It’s not fair that you’re blaming me for what she said to you.”
I stood up and walked over to Justin collecting my thoughts along the way. “I could deal with knowing your mother hates me, I could deal with the fact that she doesn’t want us being together. If we wanted to, we could make our own family and it wouldn’t matter what anyone thought, except. . .”
“Except what?”
“You don’t trust me enough for that to happen. I’ve waited and waited for you to believe in me
the way two people who love each other are supposed to, but I feel like you don’t want to let me get any closer to you.”
Justin’s head snapped up and his eyes bore into me. “Jessica, what is this really all about?”
“What do you mean, what is this about?”
“You’re inventing problems that don’t exist because you can’t let me be right. I told you last summer this would happen, that you’d get tired of dating a cripple, I knew it, and you insisted that I was wrong.”
“Are you saying that everything I just told you I made up?”
“I’ve let you get closer to me than I ever planned on, Jess. What more is it that you want from me?”
“I want you to tell your mother that everything she said about me was wrong. I want you to tell her that you and I plan on being together for a very long time, and if she can’t accept that then too bad because you don’t need her to take care of you when you have me.”
“What you’re asking is impossible and you know it.”
“Why is it impossible?”
“You know why,” Justin practically yelled at me. Then he shook his head. “Don’t pin this on my mother. I know she’s said some awful things about you, but if you changed your mind about me then at least have the courage to come out and say it.”
Not this again. I was shocked by Justin’s words. I tried to think of some way to respond, but I couldn’t.
“You’ve been different ever since our last weekend together. I thought it was the letter you told me about from your dad, but maybe there was no letter, maybe you were lying to me about that, too.”
“Justin.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I haven’t lied to you, ever.”
“But you’ve kept things from me, haven’t you? Things you knew could ruin our relationship, things you could use as excuses to back out of being with me. Because this,” Justin yanked up one leg of the track pants he was wearing and pointed to his artificial limb, “turned out to be more than you wanted to deal with.”
I was too angry to be kind. Heat filled my chest and I felt ready to explode. “It always comes down to the same thing with you. You didn’t want to date me because you thought I was too shallow to care for you. Then you finally agreed, and now I can’t help but to wonder why. You may not have your legs, but you’re still a man and you have needs after all. Maybe that’s all I was to you. Good enough to take to a hotel for the weekend, but not for more.”
Justin’s phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and without even glancing down to see who was calling he threw it hard and fast until it landed several yards away shattered and useless.
“What the hell did you do that for?”
Justin turned around and stared at me icily. “You don’t want me calling you anymore, do you? Well, now I won’t be able to.”
“Justin, I. . .”
“No.” He held his hand up to me. “Don’t say anything else.”
“Justin, please.” Tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably. I felt bad for what I’d said, I wanted to believe it was all wrong, but a small voice kept asking what if you’re not. I prayed Justin would tell me he loved me and that I wasn’t right, but instead he began to walk away.
For a few moments I stared at him still not believing what had just transpired. Then I ran after him and stopped a few feet away. “Justin, can’t we just talk about this?”
He ignored me and kept walking. I wanted to follow him and beg him to listen, but my pride wouldn’t let me.
“Son of a bitch,” he yelled and then made a fist and rammed it into a tree that lined the street just outside of the entrance to the park. I’d seen Justin upset, but never like this. I wasn’t sure what hurt more, him walking away from me, or knowing that he was also in pain. But his pain blinded him to the fact that other people had feelings. All he could see was himself as this broken person no one could ever love, and he didn’t care what that did to me.
When Justin was long gone, and I was sure he wouldn’t turn around to come find me, I managed to choke in a breath of air even though my chest felt so tight. Somehow I made my way back home.
For a long time I sat on my bed in a daze, not really quite understanding what had just happened. I waited and waited for a call from Justin, but none came. I curled into a ball and began to cry again. All I could think was that Justin and I couldn’t be over, there was just no way.
Chapter 22
For days I walked around in a fog. I cried myself to sleep at night and woke up with dark circles under my eyes. In the park on the last day I’d seen Justin, he told me he wasn’t going to call me, and he made good on that promise. Not a single call or text. It was like he’d dropped off the face of the earth. I thought about calling him and telling him I just wanted to make sure he was all right, but what if he didn’t want to talk to me? I’d rather not hear his voice at all than hear it tell me he didn’t want anything to do with me.
April turned into May and I poured myself into studying for finals. I stayed at school late studying with my classmates who didn’t seem to mind that all of a sudden I’d taken an interest in the study groups they’d been inviting me to all semester long. At home, I practically hid from my brother so I wouldn’t have to answer any of his questions about Justin. But one Saturday morning after I returned from the laundromat my brother was home and in the kitchen and before I had a chance to run into my bedroom he stopped me.
“It feels like forever since we talked.”
“I’ve just been busy with school.”
“And Justin,” my brother teased.
I put my bag of laundry down on the floor. I hesitated before answering, first combing through my mind to decide whether or not I could tell my brother about our break-up without breaking down and crying like a baby.
“There is no me and Justin anymore.”
My brother stopped what he was doing and looked at me. “You’re serious?”
“Yup.”
“What the fuck happened?” My brother asked sounding more surprised than I thought he would. He’s the one who’d told me months ago he didn’t think our relationship was on solid ground.
I sighed and pulled out a chair from under the kitchen table. “We had a huge fight. I told him about the things his mother said and he claimed I was using it as an excuse to break up with him because I can’t deal with him being an amputee and I didn’t have the courage to be honest with him.”
“That’s such bullshit.”
“It doesn’t matter what it is. I haven’t heard from Justin since the day we had that fight.”
“When did all this happen?”
“Spring break.”
“Spring break? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t know how.” I looked up at my brother. “I feel like a total loser.”
“J, c’mon. You’re not a loser. And you know I liked Justin, but after what he went through I can’t really blame him for being a little messed up in the head.”
“Yeah, well. It is what it is.” I stood up, pushed my chair back under the table and picked up my laundry from the floor. “I gotta put these clothes away.”
My brother didn’t ask me any more questions about Justin after that. He knew me well enough to know it wasn’t what I wanted to talk about.
That night I lay in bed wondering if Justin thought about me at all. I’d gone from feeling hurt to feeling angry. He said he loved me, how could he just let go of what we had so easily? Maybe the reason he didn’t defend me to his mother more than he had was because he thought she was right, that I was only interested in his money. Maybe that was a trade he was okay with. My companionship in exchange for dinners and gifts. The thought made my stomach turn and I began to question if what we had was ever real.
One morning while I got ready for class I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, not good enough, it said to me. It was amazing how quickly I’d gone from being the happiest I remembered to not even being able to look at mysel
f. My ringing phone interrupted my self-pity. I looked down at it to see who was calling. Justin’s brother, Jeff. For a second I thought about not answering, but I couldn’t let it go to voicemail, I had to know to know what he wanted to talk to me about.
“Hello.”
“Jessica?”
“Yeah? What’s up? Is Justin okay?” I couldn’t think of any other reason he would call me.
“He’s not okay, but it’s very sweet of you to ask since you’re the reason.” Jeff’s raised voice was filled with sarcasm.
“How am I the reason? Justin is the one who walked away from me, not the other way around,” I said defensively.
Jeff hesitated before replying. “That’s not exactly how he tells it.”
“What did he tell you?”
“He said you were done with him—that you couldn’t deal with all his issues and that you weren’t even brave enough to tell him the truth so you made some half-assed excuse to break things off with him.” Jeff paused. “I thought you were different, Jesse. I even swore to my mom that you were.”
“That’s not what happened.”
“Then tell me what did, because I just don’t get this.”
“I don’t even know where to begin.” I sighed. “We got into a big fight. Justin wanted to spend the weekend together and I told him no.”
“Why?”
None of this was any of Jeff’s business, but I answered him anyway. I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. “Did Justin tell you that I asked him if he wanted to move in together?”
“No,” Jeff replied, sounding genuinely surprised.
“Well, I did. And he said no. Do you want to know why?”
“Yeah.”
“He doesn’t want me to be the one who helps him through whatever happened to him in Afghanistan. He has your mother for that, your mother who hates me. And I just couldn’t deal with wondering if Justin will ever love me or trust me enough for us to have more than an occasional weekend together.”
“And that’s what you told him?”
“It’s what I tried to tell him. But he wouldn’t listen. He got it into his head that I didn’t want to be with him, and I was using your mother as an excuse to break up with him.”
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