What’s a man supposed to do with the truth?
None of it mattered any more. He’d be shipping out for Afghanistan in two weeks. He’d be gone for six months. There was just no point.
When Beck arrived back in the emergency department he saw Jan in one of the exam rooms, holding a large basin while a patient vomited. With an empathetic expression on her face, she stood nearby, rubbing the patient’s back and mumbling no doubt encouraging and comforting words. Why couldn’t she be despicable?
The truth was, she was the one woman he’d never forget. And the one woman he’d never have again.
Gavin called him aside and told Beck he’d be assisting the rest of the night with the on-call orthopedic doc he’d just called in. There seemed to be an abundance of broken limbs in the ER tonight.
Relieved he wouldn’t be working beside January, he stepped into the first patient’s room in time to hear the man let out an excruciating yell as the Ortho doc realigned his dislocated finger.
The situation seemed somehow apropos to Beck’s mood.
Two hours later, word was Regina had lapsed into a coma in the ICU. Carmen repeated the news at the doctors’ and nurses’station and Gavin heard it along with everyone else.
Apparently stuck on the more esoteric aspect of the tragedy regarding Regina and her boyfriend, he turned to Jan and said, “I wonder if they got a hold of her guy? That just goes to show that sometimes, if you hesitate in love, you lose,” he mumbled, shaking his head and heading toward his office.
He must have been talking to Carmen.
Before entering the room, he turned and raised his index finger. “Remember where you heard that.”
Only one person’s face came to mind when Gavin dispensed his pearls of wisdom.
She scanned the ED and found Beck examining a possible broken arm in room seven. Gavin’s point had been well taken. Even if all was lost with Beck, she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t at least try to make him understand before he left again. If she didn’t ask—no, beg—for his forgiveness. She’d never find the self-respect she’d been searching for all these years.
Jan had also promised to never lie to Beck again. Her time was running short. Soon he’d be gone. After searching her heart for the last week, she knew that she had to tell him.
Jan had found out from Carmen that Saturday was Beck’s day off from both the ER and LAPD, and since she had a day off from the hospital, there was no excuse not to take advantage. Thirteen years ago she’d squandered her chance to be honest and tell him exactly how she’d felt. He was leaving, and she didn’t have time to waste. After so long the thought that today was the day to bare her soul made her heart shimmy.
She dressed carefully in her favorite colorful dress with a halter top. Since it was her last stand with Beck, she wanted it to be memorable. She went all out and put on make-up, lining her lips a shade darker than the rose lipstick she wore and making sure the mascara was waterproof. The thought of getting emotional and having black streaks run down her cheeks wasn’t the least bit appealing.
Today she’d also wear her contact lenses. If Beck were to stand his ground about never wanting to see her again, she wanted him to remember her without her glasses, vain as that may be.
She glided her hand over the tumbling butterflies in her belly and smoothed the skirt across her hips. She turned to make sure her exposed back didn’t have any surprise bug bites on it, and while she was in the neighborhood she checked out her own backside. Not bad. Not bad at all.
At three in the afternoon, with one last deep breath she slipped on her heeled sandals, grabbed her purse then headed for the door. She’d purposely waited until the afternoon since he’d worked the night before. She wanted to make sure he’d had enough sleep to lessen the odds he’d be cranky with her.
Starting up her car, she searched her memories but couldn’t recall one time that Beck had ever been cranky with her, not even when she’d refused to tell him what he’d needed to hear the night before he’d left for bootcamp. Back in high school, and even recently, until she’d dropped the bombshell on him about Meghan, he’d always seemed glad to see her and had treated her with respect. Until she’d proved she didn’t deserve it. Well, things were about to change. It was time to reclaim her self-respect, and hopefully his as well.
Life shouldn’t depend on whether or not Beck forgave her, but it sure would make it easier for her to forgive herself if he did.
As she drove, she wondered how he’d respond to seeing her at his door a second time, especially after she got through telling him why she was there.
Beck had forgotten what a good night’s sleep felt like. He’d tossed and turned and given up some time around seven. After a rigorous workout, he’d mowed the lawn and showered. What he needed was some mindless distraction. Since sex was out of the question, he was grateful a baseball game was on TV.
Halfway through his lunch of a ham sandwich and a cold beer, someone knocked on his door. He debated throwing on a shirt, but decided it was too much effort. Maybe he wouldn’t even answer the door. The doorbell rang. Waiting to make sure the batter hadn’t hit a home run, he sidled toward the door with eyes trained on the television. Still unsure whether or not to waste his time opening the door, he looked through the peephole.
A mini-jolt of adrenaline detonated in his chest as he assessed the colorfully dressed woman on the other side. He’d flat out told her he never wanted to see her again, and here she was on his doorstep, looking as sexy as a film star.
He should be angry.
Feeling more pleasantly surprised than irritated, he swung the door open a tad quicker than he’d meant, then made up for it by using a casual drawl. “What brings you here?”
“I know I’m the last person you want to see, but may I come in?” With over-bright eyes, she seemed determined. Not a good sign. If her manner was any indication, she’d come to his house on a mission, not to pay a social visit.
So why wasn’t she wearing a bra?
“Sure.” He stepped aside. “Want a beer or a sandwich?”
“Oh, no thanks.” Latching a lock of hair behind an ear, suddenly she seemed less sure of herself as she edged toward his sofa.
Though he’d tidied up the yard, he’d neglected the house. All the military gear he’d pulled from storage sat piled and ready to pack in one corner of the room. When he hadn’t been able to sleep last night, he’d gotten out his easel and worked on the abstract portrait he couldn’t get out of his head. What would Jan say if she saw it? He turned the canvas to face the wall, hoping she hadn’t noticed it was of her, then bunched up the newspapers covering the couch. He used the remote to shut off the TV, and gestured for her to sit. She did, but primly and on the edge with hands folded in her lap, acting the complete opposite of how she looked. What was up with that?
“Look, you’ve got to have something. I’m eating. How about a glass of water at least?”
Her tense expression cracked a bit as she tried out a halfhearted smile. “OK. Water’s fine.”
He couldn’t help but notice how sexy she looked in her knee-length sundress. Her bare shoulders practically called out to be caressed and kissed, and the natural slope of her breasts beneath the smooth fabric made him suddenly need a glass of water, too. Like the old days, she’d dressed like a birthday present, all bright colors, ribbons and bows and sparkles, and he suddenly wanted to unwrap her.
Taking a minute to gather his composure in the kitchen, Beck filled two cups with cold filtered water from the refrigerator and forced a more businesslike frame of mind. She’d obviously come there for a reason, though his first thoughts were more in keeping with seduction. Not very likely. He made a wise decision—he’d keep his mouth shut and see what was on her mind.
After handing over the glass, he sat a careful distance from her on the couch. The half-eaten ham sandwich had somehow lost its appeal. He gulped down half the water.
“What’s up?” he said, feigning aloofness.
Fighting off a sudden wave of empathy, he bit out the first words in his head. “Forgive you for not telling me you were pregnant, or for giving our baby away, or for possibly never telling me a thing if we hadn’t happened to meet again? Which exactly is it you want me to forgive?”
He wasn’t prepared for the toll his outburst would take. She’d gone directly to “falling apart” mode. Aw, hell.
Tears brimmed in her eyes, making the blue more intense and all the more beautiful. “Please, forgive me.” She reached for his forearm and squeezed. He tensed with the unwanted electricity of her touch.
“You don’t need my forgiveness, January.”
“Yes, I do.”
Caught in the exhausting battle going on in his head about whether to tell her he’d already taken the first steps to forgiving her or to continue holding a dwindling grudge, the silence yawned on. He stared at the floor.
“I figured something out on the drive over here,” she said in a wavering voice. “I couldn’t expect you to forgive me when I had never forgiven myself. And you know what? I might never have been able to if I hadn’t seen a well-adjusted and wonderfully bright girl the other day.”
January searched his face until she captured his gaze and held it. She’d made a good point. Meghan was well adjusted and obviously happy with her life. Hell, hadn’t he been thinking that very thing every single night when he’d searched for peace of mind in his sleeplessness? He’d already decided to drop his efforts to pursue visiting rights and disrupt Meghan’s life. He clamped his jaw, not ready to let her off the hook so easily.
“Yes, she was our birth daughter, but she has two of the most loving adoptive parents anyone could ever hope for. Surely you can appreciate that, Beck. No one has ever laid a hand on her, like your father used to do with you. No one has ever tried to orchestrate every stage of her life, like my mother did with me. She’s been given the freedom we both deserved but never had as kids.”
“But without us,” he reminded her.
Jan swallowed and, with trembling fingers, wiped away a tear running down her cheek. He sat numbly watching. What kind of monster had he turned into?
“Look, I hear what you’re saying,” Beck continued, “but I’ve got a whole lot of feelings to work through first.”
Amazingly, she’d kept herself from completely crumbling. She took a sip of water and turned back to him. “I can’t speak for you, but I know I would have been a lousy parent at seventeen. Meghan wouldn’t have gotten the love and attention she deserved once I realized she wasn’t a doll to play dress-up with. I didn’t have a clue about life, Beck, let alone being a mother. You’ve got to understand that though I took the wrong approach, I did it for the right reason.” She stared at him for a second. He still couldn’t bring himself to let her off the hook. “And today, on the drive over, I finally realized that. I wish you would, too.”
Fighting off an uncomfortable wave of remorse, he found his voice, though his thoughts weren’t clear or in any particular order. “What am I supposed to do, January?”
“I’ve asked your forgiveness, and until you can find it in your heart to forgive me, you’ll be stuck in time. It’s finally dawned on me—forgiving myself doesn’t depend on you. It’s been long overdue, and you know what? I’m letting myself off the hook. No more guilt. That kid of ours is thriving…without us. Guess what, Beck? I did the right thing.” She stared at him. He sat stoically. “Look, I’ll do what you want. I’ll never see you again. I promise. Even if you do forgive me, I’ll stay out of your life, if that’s what you want. But for your own good, you won’t be whole until you forgive me and move on.”
“I’m not sure that’s what I need. I get that you made a tough decision on your own. But, you see, that’s the part where I get hung up. I wanted to be in on the decision in the first place.” He needed another drink of water though the unsteady hand that held the glass accented his bitterness. “You cut me out of your life. Out of my daughter’s life. What am I supposed to do about that?”
She briefly closed her eyes then ruefully glanced at him. “Let it go. Forgive me. What’s done is done.”
Sadness loomed like a cloud, heavy on his mind. His mother’s favorite saying echoed in his head—“Grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change.” He struggled to say the words over a thickened throat. “I’m trying, January,” he said hoarsely. “I’m not sure I’m ready to do that.”
They sat quietly stewing in their individual thoughts for several seconds. With his eyes burning and his chest as heavy and tight as when he wore his bulletproof vest, he was amazed when he noticed her subtle floral scent. And as confused as he felt about their past and their questionable future, he wanted to bury his face in her neck and inhale until his lungs burst. Why did she have that power to torture and titillate him simultaneously?
Because she was the one woman—
“There’s one more thing,” she said, pulling him out of his thoughts as she started to stand. “Regardless of whether or not you can find it in your heart to forgive me, since you’re going away and I promised myself I’d never lie to you again…” She faced him and, with tender, sky-blue eyes, gazed steadily into his face. Then, with a flurry of breathy words she said, “I want you to know that I still love you.”
CHAPTER TEN
GOOSE-BUMPS cascaded from the top of Jan’s head over her shoulders, down her arms to her fingertips. There, she’d said it. She’d just admitted the deepest secret she’d been hoarding for over a decade. It was the reason she hadn’t been able to love her ex-husband. The reason she hadn’t been able to move on with her life. She loved Beck Braxton and she always would.
Now she’d have to face his reaction, whatever it was, and live with it.
Holding her breath, she dared to look into his eyes and saw a slightly surprised, yet receptive glint. The air whooshed back into her lungs. Early signs of a smile twitched at the edges of his mouth. Would he laugh at her outrageous confession?
Long fingers wrapped around her wrist and pulled her near. Jan braced herself, splaying her hands across Beck’s chest. He hadn’t worn a shirt and she’d tried with all her power to ignore that fact when she’d arrived. Now she was touching him and the energy transferring itself from his body through her fingertips was riveting. She loved the solid feel of his muscles and the smooth skin covering them.
She’d bared her soul and, instead of being rejected, he wanted to hold her. Maybe she’d survive this day after all.
She searched for the soft side of his neck, the spot she’d been denied the last time he’d held her, and kissed him there. Heat and intensity radiated from his chest through the thin fabric of her halter neck. Her breasts tightened in response, and she pulled herself closer, wrapping her arms around his neck. Air, as if forgiveness, released from his lungs in a long slow exhalation.
She shivered with anticipation. “Does this mean you forgive me?” Looking up, she saw him holding back a raw reaction to her declaration of love and plea for exoneration by biting his lip. If only she could know what was going through his mind. Would everything work out after all? If she went by touch alone she’d say yes, but his glassy hazel eyes gazed downward and it made her wonder if what he was preparing to say would hurt.
“Damn, lady. You confuse the hell out of me.”
“I don’t mean to. I just couldn’t let you go away again without you knowing how I felt.”
“You love me?”
She nodded and wriggled closer to him. “I do. I never stopped.”
He lifted his brows. “Then I guess I have to forgive you. The truth is, no one in the world has sacrificed more for me than you, January. As much as you hurt me, you had to hurt ten times worse.”
His face went blurry. Relief rolled through every muscle in her body. Finally he understood.
Beck’s mouth clamped down on he
rs and she felt each ounce of remaining doubt dissipate. They melded in a long, ravenous kiss. Magically her halter top came tumbling down and in what seemed like a heartbeat they found themselves naked and entwined on his bed.
Heat and sensation, soft with hard, tender and rough, every caress built on the next as they expressed their feelings through touch. Cosmetic scents mingled with nature’s earthiness. The sweet taste of kisses blended with the salty tang of flesh.
Nothing could sate the flourishing desire between them. Their hands couldn’t keep them close enough. Their kisses weren’t deep enough. Only their joining as man and woman would satisfy the abyss of need.
Jan straddled Beck’s hips and dipped down so he could kiss and suckle her breasts. She arched and stretched with the delicious sensations coiling throughout her body. Hot hands directed her hips down to where he waited, hard and erect. His intimate touches tested whether she was ready for him. Excitement soared when he pressed at her entrance. He opened her and placed himself inside as she gently rocked over him. Exquisite warmth and firm pressure filled her. She bent to capture his mouth with a soulful kiss as they moved, slowly at first, together.
Greedy urges to devour him competed with subtle sensations begging to draw out the delicacy.
Take it easy. Savor the sensations.
Bursts of untamed throbbing soon overshadowed the long luxurious strokes. With sensations burning across her skin, Jan bucked and met Beck’s thrusts, over and over.
He rolled her onto her back and she wrapped her legs around his hips so he could drive deeper. Fisting the sheets, she lost all inhibition, begging him to go faster, harder, deeper still.
Beck lowered himself over her and held her face to delve into her eyes as they made love belly to belly, pelvis to pelvis. His piercing hooded stare reached to her very center, squeezing her heart until she thought she’d die.
Temporary Doctor, Surprise Father Page 14