by Lisa N. Paul
“So, no, I wouldn’t have done things differently because it had to be this way. I’m sorry if that hurt you, Jane. It was never to make you feel like you couldn’t trust me. If you think about it, you’ll see how much you can. I know you think I could have paved your way and somehow made it easier, but now you are armed with a proverbial backpack, and it’s filled with everything you need to survive. Just keep going. I promise, no matter what happens, I’ll be there in the end with french fries and milkshakes.”
“What do I do with this then?” Janie asked holding the envelope.
“Let him come to you, Janie.… That is, if you still want him.” Finishing off her coffee, Ashley leaned over and kissed Janie’s head. “I have to get over to the bar. My shift starts in an hour. Do you forgive me?” The look of sincerity on Ashley’s face tugged at Janie’s heartstrings.
“Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t have heard any of it from you. This was Max’s history. Had he wanted me to know sooner, he would have told me. Clearly, he didn’t.” She sighed. “But where you’re concerned, all is forgiven. I’m really sorry I lost my shit on you.” With a smile and a wink, Ashley left Janie’s apartment.
Circus Peanuts
Thank God, for Gage, Max thought as he made another loop around the track. Gage was working at the garage, but thanks to him the staff at Winston’s knew that Max could come and drive whenever there was open track time. Stretching his neck from right to left, he tried again, unsuccessfully, to relieve the tension that had been residing there since Monday night. Or as he took to calling it, “Monday Night Madness.”
He hadn’t expected it to be easy to win Janie back, but not knowing whether she’d read his letter or burned it was its own brand of torture. And Lyla—he let out a quick chuckle when he thought of their call earlier that morning—had said she would help him, but she under no circumstances would she tell him any of Janie’s thoughts or reactions to his “wooing.”
Wooing. He laughed out loud—he was going to woo like he’d never wooed before.
He felt a knot form in his stomach. He never had this much on the line before, he realized as he pressed the gas pedal to the pad. Well, it didn’t matter anyway because he had set his plan in motion, and the only way he would stop it was if Janie herself asked him to.
Sweat trickled down his temples onto the collar of his shirt. He wasn’t sure if the perspiration was from the heat of the car or the past he was about to reveal. Swallowing down his fear, he looked ahead and continued to drive.
“Look, Ly, I am not in the mood to go out, but being that it is Thursday night, and you’re standing here looking all sexy, I will. I will not, however, go to Danny’s. I love Danny, but if he’s angry, that’s just tough shit. I can’t be around Max right now.”
“Jane…”
“Don’t Jane me.” Exasperated, she continued. “You read his letter. It says a little but not much. And it’s not good enough. I am angry, hurt, pissed off, and sexually frustrated. No Danny’s!”
“Ok toddler, Jane,” Lyla sighed with a grin. “Let’s go to Chopper’s.”
“But—”
“Not buts. You had your one veto. So we’re going to Chopper’s.” Janie dropped her keys in her purse, and they started their brisk walk to the bar. “How have things been at school between you and Nice O?” Lyla sucked at discrete topic transitions.
“Owen’s great. Tuesday and Wednesday were a little awkward, but by today things seemed pretty good between us. He really is a ni—” Janie stopped mid-sentence and looked at Lyla. They were strolling on the sidewalk up to the bar when the laughter burst out of them like bubbles.
“Say it, Janie. Go on, you know you want to!” Lyla’s smile was infectious.
“Fine!” Janie squealed. “He’s nice! He really is a nice fucking guy! He is Nice O. He’s kind and sweet, he’s been sympathetic. Today he even told me he was there for me if I wanted to talk. My God, Ly, why can’t I fall in love with him?”
Janie didn’t realize how loud she had been speaking until they entered Choppers and dozens of stares landed directly on her. She could feel her cheeks getting warm as she heard her trusty sidekick trying to contain her giggle.
“Shut it, Ly!” She walked up to the nearest empty bar stool and planted her embarrassed ass down. “Margarita, please, rocks, no salt. And give Giggles over here the same with salt.” Lyla started howling, and Janie couldn’t help but join her.
“Ladies, this round is from those gentlemen over there.” The beefy, tattooed bartender with the cigarette-strained voice thumbed his huge arm in the direction of two grinning men standing by the pool tables. The women raised their glasses toward them, nodded their appreciation, and settled back into their conversation.
“So, the redhead on the left is pretty hot,” Lyla said to Janie as she winked at the man who sent over her drink. “Hello? Earth to Janie!”
The sharp pinch to her triceps snapped Janie out of her reverie. “I’m sorry, Ly. I told you I would be crappy company. Maybe I should just go home.”
“Stay put, girlie.” Lyla hopped down from the stool and sashayed over to the jukebox. She was gone for several minutes before returning to the bar and grabbing Janie’s hand. “Let’s go.”
“Where to? And how many songs did you pick?” Janie questioned with a raised brow and a crooked smile.
A devilish grin swept over Lyla’s face, and her blue eyes twinkled. “I chose enough songs to keep your sweet ass here for at least an hour,” Lyla said as Maroon 5’s “One More Night” pumped out of the speakers. “Now, let’s go play some pool. Nick and Greg are waiting for us.”
“Wait, who?”
“If you keep running your hands through your hair like that you’re gonna be bald by the end of the night, my man,” Ryan teased.
“It’s just…I can’t believe they didn’t come tonight. I don’t think they’ve missed a Thursday in seven months.” Images of Janie sitting at the bar, laughter dancing in her eyes, the sweet sound of her voice echoing, flashed through his memory. What was he going to do if she didn’t forgive him? A strong wave of nausea washed over him.
“Max, honey.” He felt a small, warm hand rub across his upper back. He turned to come face-to-face with Ashley. “Give her some time.” He always thought of Ashley as a sassy and fun little sister, and right now, her presence gave him comfort when he needed it most.
“Do you think?” His voice was soft, his muscles tight.
“I do. You took your time getting to where you needed to be. Give her a couple of days and then”—if Max wasn’t so miserable he would have laughed at the fierce look Ashley gave him—“if she hasn’t come to you…you go to her and you fight down-and-dirty to get her. And you do not take no for an answer. She loves you, Max. Give her time.”
“Listen to Princess,” Ryan said, flicking Ashley’s blonde-and-green-streaked hair.
Max watched as Ashley’s face blushed and her eyes narrowed into slits. “Get off me, Ryan. I’ve seen where your hands have been, and ick!” She looked back at Max. “Hey, Max, it’s not crazy busy here tonight. Romeo and I can handle it. Go ask Danny if you can leave. No offense, but you look like shit, and it’s not good for tips.” She winked and blew him a kiss before moving on to her customers.
“Yeah, what she said,” Ryan agreed.
After clearing it with Danny, Max grabbed his things and left the bar knowing he had one stop to make before heading home for the night.
“Lyla, I hate to ruin the party, but I’ve gotta head home. It’s a school night.” Janie ignored the disapproving look she received for using her patented excuse. The fact was she had things on her mind, namely Max, and she wanted to go home and try to sort them out. She watched as Lyla whispered something in the redhead’s ear and then strode past the pool table over to Janie.
“Let’s go, Miss Silver,” she said, pulling Janie outside. “I’ll see you to your cab.”
“Are you taking Nick home tonight?” Janie tried to hide the worry in her
voice but knew she did a poor job when she saw Lyla’s expression.
“Come on, Jane, I’m having fun. He’s hot and sexy. That’s what I want, right?”
“Bullshit. He’s not who you want, and we both know it.”
Some of the sparkle faded from Lyla’s eyes. “This is what’s good for me right now.”
“Okay…. Be safe. I love you.” She watched as Lyla wandered back into Chopper’s.
The autumn breeze caused goose bumps to run up her bare arms as Janie walked from the cab to the stairs of her apartment building. She breathed in a lungful of the crisp, cool air. This was her favorite time of the year. She loved to watch the leaves change from the bright, neon green to the reds, yellows, and oranges. The front of her apartment looked out on a park, and during the day, she could see the big, beautiful trees glisten in the sun. Even in the dark, her head turned automatically to face the direction of the park.
That was why she didn’t see the package sitting by her door until she tripped over it.
“What the hell?” was followed immediately by, “Oh my…Max?” She whispered his name a little louder, but crickets and the hum of traffic were the only sounds that answered her call.
Yep, this is definitely from him, she thought as she crouched down to pick up the cellophane-wrapped package tied with the same blue ribbon as the one from the day before. Through the clear wrap, a stainless-steel travel mug monogrammed with a J was proudly waiting for her, along with a Starbucks gift card and another thick envelope. She felt foolish as she walked into her apartment, locked the door behind her, went through her bedtime routine, and got into bed all while carrying the package with her like a child with a security blanket. Thoughts of Linus and his little, blue blanket made her smile, and she finally settled into bed and unwrapped the gift.
Stroking the mug’s smooth steel, Max’s voice tickled her memory. I’ll go get you a Grande…lots of cream and two sweeteners, right?
The warmth of the recollection was quickly cooled when she remembered the strange, impassive look on his face when he had returned with her coffee and left her immediately. Feeling unsettled, she unsealed the envelope and began to read the enclosed pages.
Dear Janie,
I’m not sure if you read my first letter, or even if this one will find its way into your kind and gentle hands, but I need want to continue to share my past with you so you can see why I tried so hard to keep it buried.
Chloe and I were together for years. She didn’t have any friends besides me the whole time. Looking back, that should have been a huge red flag, but she claimed to only want me. I loved her, so I spent my time with her too. My parents no longer approved of our relationship, so she requested that we not associate with them. I loved my parents. I couldn’t let them go, but for Chloe’s sake, we no longer spent holidays or special occasions with them. Her parents didn’t seem to approve of me either. When I asked her about it, she would tell me they were snobs and not to worry about them. Never once did she deny that they hated me, so in my mind, it was the truth. Slowly, over the years, our circle of friends and family became smaller and smaller. Honestly, Janie, I was okay with it. I loved her. If she was happy, I was happy.
When she got pregnant, I was so excited. I’d always wanted to be a father and to have a family. So, when she miscarried I was heartbroken. Chloe acted strange after that, and I thought she was still mourning the loss of the pregnancy. I went to a bed and breakfast to book us a room for the following weekend and found her leaving with her lover. That was the first time I learned that Chloe was cheating on me.
Yes, you read correctly—the first time.
She promised she would never do it again. She begged me to forgive her and swore that it was only me she loved. She blamed her infidelity on the miscarriage, and I guess after losing our baby and my dream of becoming a father, I wanted to blame it on that too, so I took her back. I allowed myself to continue loving her because I couldn’t lose that dream also. I didn’t know any other way to live.
I’m not sure how many men there were between the first one I caught her with and the last one Gage caught her with, but I can only imagine there were several. But when Gage came to me and told me that he saw my wife with another man and that she had tried to seduce Gage himself, I lost it. I broke up our friendship, and we didn’t speak for three years. I lost my best friend, my job, my dreams, my family…I lost it all, and all over her. I was depressed and in a bad place. And that was when I found Danny’s on Main.
Janie, I’m going to stop here for tonight. I’ve given you a lot of my past, but sad to say, the worst is yet to come. I can’t imagine what you must be thinking. I’m here if you want to talk. If not, I understand. One step at a time…right?
Love,
Max
Janie’s eyes felt dry and coarse like sandpaper when the alarm clock bleeped on Friday morning. She had been up all night reading and re-reading Max’s letter until the words started bleeding together. His written words both tore at her heart and brought out her own vulnerability when it came to love. She spent twenty-eight years searching for someone to give her the kind of affection that Max had so easily given to his wife, only for her to disrespect and abuse it. The whole notion made Janie feel physically ill.
That sick feeling lessened her guilt when she called out of work. If ever there was a need for a mental health day, this was it. She felt emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and utterly confused. If someone would have told her a month ago that this is where she would be now, she may have stuck with the boring, unfulfilling losers she’d been dating. Sure, they were dull, cheating assholes, but her heart was never involved with those men. This thing with Max was something else entirely.
She really needed a “personal day,” so she called out of work feeling a bit guilty but relieved to spend her day alone. She would get a pedicure, read a romance novel, and maybe watch a movie, but first she needed some sleep. She sent Lyla a text informing her of her Janie Day and said they would chat later.
Closing the shades blocked out the happiness of the sun and allowed herself to climb back into the darkness and warmth of her bed. After a half hour of trying, sleep finally claimed her.
Max looked around the Gage Garage, wiping fresh oil on his jeans to answer his phone. No one but Gage knew that thanks to the money Chloe’s parents gave him, he was co-owner of this place. While the money itself filled him with anguish, this garage had always brought him so much peace. Working with his hands was what he always dreamed of doing. The smell of grease and the sounds of metal brought him back to a time in his childhood when he and Gage used to watch the mechanics rebuilding engines. Even at their young age, they knew that someday this place would be theirs.
After his life had been shattered Max began to use the pieces to resurrect walls around his heart. Everything that could hurt him was left on the outside, including the garage. He had all but stopped working with Gage and doing the one job that fulfilled him. Since meeting Janie, though, his visits became more frequent, and over the past couple of weeks he had been working close to forty hours at the garage while still keeping his Thursday nights shifts at Danny’s so he could see Janie.
“Max, are you even listening to me?” Lyla’s voice snapped at him on the other end of the line.
“No, Ly, what did you say?” He held the phone closer to his ear.
“Our girl took a mental-health day today. Max, I’ve known Janie for ten years. That girl never takes off unless she is puking, and I know she isn’t sick. Step up your game. She’s hurting…I’m hurting…guess who’s next?!”
“Seriously, Lyla,” Max said with a laugh. “If I didn’t know better, I would swear you worked for the mob. Rein it in. I’m doing the best I can. I love her, but I can’t rush this. She wanted to know my past, and there is a lot to tell. Besides, have you finished your part?”
Lyla cleared her throat. “It will be ready for you tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Ly. I owe you big.”
&
nbsp; “Yeah,” she said. “You definitely do.”
When they disconnected the call. Max looked at the blank screen. Yeah, he was gonna have to work on that situation once he got his own life squared away. In the meantime, he had another letter to write.
The last piece of his history made him sick, though. Those final days were like living purgatory. His disgust for Chloe ran deep, and had she not died in that accident he would have finally left her. The fact that her death took away his chance to choose to let her go made him angry, and that anger filled him with shame.
“DeLucca. You okay, brother?” Gage’s face was mapped with worry. “Your jaw is squeezed so tight I can see your muscles clenching. Look at your hands, man. They are balled into fists. Only one person does that to you…and she’s dead. Let it go. Move on.”
“I plan to, Sebastian. After today she’ll be where she belongs—in the past. I just need to get through today.”
With freshly painted toes and a hot cup of coffee, Janie climbed the last few stairs to the second floor of her complex. The quiet solitude of the afternoon helped to calm her nervous stomach and ease her cluttered mind. Like powdered sugar in front of a fan, her tranquility wisped away when she saw the grocery bag sitting at her door. As if her mind had already trained her eyes to look for his breadcrumbs, she noticed the bounty from the moment she entered the hallway. Trepidation mixed with excitement pulsed through her blood as she moved toward her apartment.
She walked directly from the entrance to her bedroom, kicking off her flip-flops and climbing into her bed. The heaviness she had felt in her limbs that morning had begun to settle back in.
His warning reverberated in her mind’s eye. The worst is yet to come, the previous letter said. Swaddling herself in the pink blanket, she finally reached for the bag.