Lost Girls

by Merrie Destefano

  He took my hand again, maybe afraid I was going to run away.

  “I shouldn’t have said that.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye.

  My heart thundered, as if it wanted me to remember how much I cared about him, but I wasn’t ready to leap from middle-school crush to full-on love. Not yet. Still, I couldn’t ignore the fact that there was a lightness in my chest, like every breath I took came easier now, like that one thing I’d been needing was finally here—the crash cart to jump-start my heart, the miracle drug to cure my cancer.

  I stepped closer, a wild fawn moving toward a hunter with outstretched hand. “That’s a lot to take in on a first date,” I whispered with a half-grin.

  “Yeah.”

  “I don’t know how I feel. Not yet. Except I don’t want you to stay away. No matter what you think about being bad for me—”

  “You don’t know why I said that, you don’t remember all the things I’ve done, things I regret,” he interrupted.

  I put my finger to his lips, stopping his words, those magical words that might be able to charm me into changing my mind. “Maybe this is a chance for both of us to start over,” I said.

  “I hope so.” He kissed me again, a soft, gentle, tentative kiss. “And I hope you still feel that way when your memory comes back.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I stumbled when I walked through the front door, when Dylan’s bike thrummed away, my body not connecting with my feet. The floor of the foyer felt non-existent, the hallway like I was walking on air. I was vaguely aware of Kyle and his buddies still playing video games in the family room, explosions mingling with bursts of laughter. Mom and Dad were sipping wine and playing cards in the kitchen when I walked past, heading toward my room. I think they asked me things like, how was your date? and did you have a nice time?

  But all I could hear was Dylan’s voice, his words shy and raw.

  I’m so in love with you.

  The party had faded away, the tension between him and Lauren, the drugs she’d tried to get me to take—all of it erased by that one confession. Now his words rang in my ears.

  My feet barely touched the stairs, all of my weight on the balls of my feet. When I reached the second floor, I did a grand jeté, arms over my head, legs spread so far it felt like I was doing the splits while flying, glad that no one was watching me. Once I reached my bedroom, I turned on my iPod, clipping it to my shirt, earbuds in my ears.

  Then I danced for about an hour, until I finally collapsed on the bed, still not tired. So I grabbed my phone and texted Molly, hoping she was still awake. She was. It was like she’d been waiting up for me.

  Just got home and guess what?? Dylan said HE LOVES ME! I thumbed.

  Duh.

  And he kissed me!

  When’s the wedding?

  Smart ass.

  LOL. Srsly. Like I already knew all that. Everybody in the solar system knew.

  Everyone but ME. Also, Lauren was kinda weird tonight. I said.

  She’s a jerk. Wake up and ditch that crowd. I’m way better.

  ROTFL. Yeah. We need 2 do some LOTR cosplay.

  When, where, I’m there. Bring the flash mob.

  We chatted for about fifteen minutes. It was great to be talking to her again. My new friends were fun, I guess, especially Dylan. I just never knew what to say or how to act around them. Being with Molly was easy.

  This was one of those nights when I wouldn’t be able to sleep, no matter how hard I tried. I jumped in the shower, ran a towel through my hair, then decided it was time to dig out my summer clothes. My wardrobe needed serious attention. No way I wanted another Can’t Figure Out What To Wear episode like tonight. I started pulling storage bags out from under my bed, until one bag hit a snag. It had tangled on something and wouldn’t come out.

  On my back, I crawled under the bed, flashlight in one hand, trying to figure out what the bag had caught on. All the while Kyle’s video game music vibrated the floor beneath me, stirring something, some memory of dancing in a large crowd, all of us laughing, strobe lights and black lights and stage lights flashing, girls wearing skimpy outfits, guys dressed in cargo pants and mesh tank tops—

  It was a rave. I knew it. I almost bumped my head on the bed, trying to sit up. Something crackled above me, shifting, something taped to the bottom of my bed.

  I readjusted the flashlight beam, aiming it toward whatever was up there.

  The light focused on a slender black box, carefully fastened with tape and thick cords, hidden in a place where no one but me would have ever found it. Lips dry, anxiety flickering through my chest, I stared at that box, recognizing it because it looked exactly like the one Lauren had.

  I didn’t want it, didn’t want to be a girl addicted to some strange new drug.

  But my hand refused to listen to me, it reached out and yanked the box free, my fingers fastening around it protectively, as if I didn’t want to drop it, didn’t want to break or damage the contents. With a shudder, I clutched it to my chest as I slid out from beneath my bed.

  I set the box on the dresser, then stepped as far away from it as I could, ignoring it, putting all the storage containers away. After that I sat on my bed, staring at the box. I still didn’t want it. I knew I never would have been able to sleep—not tonight, not ever—knowing that thing was resting beneath me, like a knife lodged between my shoulder blades.

  The longer I stared at it, the more I wanted to run away from it.

  A thick panic settled in the room. I kept remembering Lauren shoving a needle into the flesh of her forearm, the ecstatic expression on her face, how her mood had brightened afterward. I didn’t want to face the fact that I had a black box, too. I wished I could turn back the clock and that I was still at the party, music surrounding me like warm, familiar arms, my friends beside me as we all danced.

  I curled up on the bed, knees pulled to my chest, eyes closed, my teeth grinding, my gaze still fixed upon that box. I wanted to open it and look inside, but I didn’t dare.

  I couldn’t stay here. I had to get out.

  Just then—when some primal instinct forced me to my feet and I started rooting through the closet looking for something to wear, my hair still wet and tousled from my shower, the muscles in my stomach clenching—my cell phone buzzed. I paused, wondering if I should answer it. Was it Dylan with another confession I wasn’t ready to hear, or was it Molly with ideas about our next LOTR movie marathon?

  I grabbed the phone, quickly read the text, the tightness in my muscles releasing and a welcome smile replacing my clenched jaw.

  It was from Lauren.

  Wanna come out and play?

  I texted back. Where R U?

  Outside. Waiting.

  I peered through my curtains toward the curb. Down the street, half a block away sat a Mini-Coop. The headlights flashed on for a second when I appeared at the window.

  Come on, girl! Party’s waitin’.

  Gimme 5 seconds.

  I didn’t wonder where we were going at one thirty in the morning or whose party we were going to. All I cared about was the fact that I was getting away from that box and my own dangerous past. I tossed on some clothes and shoes, only knowing that I wanted to be comfortable, ran my fingers through my hair, and then hesitated when I saw the kandi bracelet. I’d taken it off when I took a shower and it now rested beside my cell phone. I was sneaking out. Did I want everyone knowing what I was doing? Wouldn’t that only get me in trouble? I held my breath, thinking.

  In the end, I didn’t care if my dad or Agent Bennet found out what I did, as long as it was after the fact. I needed to get out of here and I needed to find out what had happened to me.

  So, I tucked that black box deep inside one of my dresser drawers, then crept down the hallway, leaving both my cell phone and that kandi bracelet behind.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Lauren’s car was filled with smoke, and all the girls were giggling and acting a little bit stupid when I got in, saying s
tuff like, it’s about time and let’s go dominate that place and we rule, we totally rule. Zoe tried to pass me a joint, but I shook my head and rolled down my window, catching a breath of fresh air. Lauren laughed, her long hair braided and clipped up, her shirt unbuttoned to show the white bikini top she wore underneath. She looked at me with a puzzled expression.

  “You sure you wanna wear that?” she asked.

  I glanced down, noticing I had put on one of my black ballet unitards, a jean jacket and my silver ballet slippers. I shrugged. I had no idea where we were going, but I didn’t care about my clothes.

  “She looks great,” Stephanie said, puffs of smoke coming out between her words.

  “Do you guys have to smoke weed in here? It smells disgusting,” I said.

  Zoe didn’t bother to ask the others what they thought. She just tossed the half-smoked joint out the window.

  Lauren frowned as her Mini-Coop pulled away from the curb. “Don’t be a buzzkill, Rach. You don’t remember how bad the headaches are sometimes, or that pot’s about the only thing that helps,” she said. “Tonight’s about having fun. So lighten up, K?”

  I sat across from her in the front seat. Smoking dope was the key to the headaches I’d been having? Sounded like the cure was about as bad as the symptoms. I shrugged and gave her a look that said, WTF. Meanwhile, we headed toward the 210, Stephanie and Zoe chattering about the boys they’d met at Brett’s party, rating them on some imaginary kissing chart they’d invented.

  “I’d give him a 6,” Stephanie said. “Cute, but not much going on in the hot and steamy department.”

  Zoe giggled. “Mine gets an 8, mostly for effort.”

  Both she and Stephanie cracked up. They kept laughing and analyzing all the boys they knew for the rest of the ride. We passed Pasadena, Eagle Rock, and Glendale, then swung onto the 5, and somewhere around Burbank we took an exit, heading down one side street after another, through seedy neighborhoods that got worse and worse the farther we drove. Tenement buildings with graffiti loomed over cracked and pock-marked streets; gang members sold drugs on street corners next to houses with boarded-up windows and crumbling roofs; a dilapidated building with signs that read Super Market and Checks Cashed Here and Beer And Wine stood abandoned, the windows painted white and the doors hanging open. I tensed up, biting my lip, glancing at Lauren from time to time.

  “Do you know where you’re going, ’cause it sure looks like we’re lost,” I said.

  Right about then, that little black box on my dresser seemed pretty innocent. It would have left me alone—as long as I ignored it. Not so with the streetwalkers and pimps who tried to get our attention, or the homeless guys who wheeled natty shopping carts filled with stereo speakers and DVD players and other electronic equipment that had obviously been stolen.

  “No worries,” Lauren said. “We’ll be out of this area in a minute.”

  I regretted leaving that kandi bracelet and my cell phone behind. Even having Dad mad at me and getting grounded was better than what could happen if Lauren’s car broke down here.

  She was right, though. A few minutes later, the streets began to empty of all the dangerous street thugs. Houses and liquor stores gave way to weedy parking lots and long, flat-roofed warehouses. Lights gleamed up ahead, casting long shadows, and the cars parked on the streets started to look nicer. Mustangs, Hondas, a Scion here and there, no cracked windows or red plastic tape covering broken taillights. A steady stream of people drifted in the same direction as us—girls in platform shoes and shorts, guys wearing ripped jeans and strange costumes. Music thumped in the distance, not loud yet, but I knew it would get louder soon.

  “Almost there,” Stephanie said from the backseat. “Wish we had time for another joint.”

  “You’ve had plenty,” Lauren admonished. Apparently one freebie was all the others were going to get, although that was fine with me. I’d rather have us all level-headed when we got there—wherever that was.

  “Are we going to a rave?” I asked, feeling like a kid going to her first girl/boy party, unsure what to expect.

  “Most definitely,” Lauren said.

  “A Phase Two rave?” I asked. She’d never answered that question before.

  “Oh, yeah.”

  The other girls started giggling again.

  The building appeared then, lit up by moving spotlights. From the outside, it looked like we were going to a circus. A pack of girls wearing pink wigs, black swimsuits and fishnet stockings wandered around, handing out kandi bracelets and glow sticks and pacifiers on beaded necklaces. Guys wore devil horns, red face paint and pants wrapped with bright green glowing bands; they had long hair or short hair, were clean-shaven or sported gross, waist-long beards; they wore skintight shirts or no shirts, most of them exposing muscles that looked like they’d been carved by a Renaissance sculptor.

  “Oooh, baby,” Lauren said, after we slid into a parking spot and climbed out of the car. “This place is epic tonight. Come on, let’s get inside.” Stephanie and Zoe took off their jackets and tossed them in the backseat. I started to do the same, knowing it would be hot inside. Lauren stopped me. “Leave your jacket on,” she said with a grin. “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

  Zoe grinned. “That’s right! Rachel doesn’t know—”

  “Shhh! Don’t wreck it,” Stephanie said.

  “What kind of lame-ass surprise involves me wearing a jacket?” I asked, but I had to jog to catch up with them, because they were already running toward the door. I was a bit amazed that Lauren could move so fast in those stilettos and still make it look elegant. It was like she was some kind of gazelle, loping across the Serengeti, finally in her natural habitat.

  Meanwhile, two girls, wearing rainbow tutus and purple tank tops, dashed toward us.

  “You guys want some E? We got some. Real cheap.”

  They lowered their neon-colored sunglasses to look me in the eye, as if that would convince me. Lauren paused, looking tempted. No way was I letting her get higher than she already was.

  “Beat it!” I shook a fist at one of the girls.

  “Whoa!” She backed away, hands palms up. “What about the peace and love, girlfriend? Remember where you are.”

  “And you remember me and stay the eff away. Got it?”

  They scampered off, looking more like fairies than real girls. Lauren grinned and pointed a finger at me. “Once we get inside, the real you is coming out. I promise.” She latched onto my hand. “Let’s go, we gotta get inside quick. We’re late.”

  I wanted to ask late for what, but I knew she had some sort of surprise going on here. Maybe we were going to meet up with some of our friends and do some street dancing—if so, that would be way fun. My heart began to match the steady, pounding beat that thrummed from the warehouse’s open doors. Clusters of brightly colored beams of light—blue, red, green—illuminated the crowds that danced inside, bodies jumping and swaying to the music. The closer we got, the more the music consumed me until, once we were inside, it took over, pulsing through the soles of my feet, vibrating up my spine and across my ribs. I pulled away from Lauren, tossing my hands up toward the vast ceiling, laughing and dancing, instantly at one with the ocean of teenagers who were doing the same thing. Glow sticks flashing like magic wands, we were all washed in blue-green light, stars spinning overhead in time to the music. I closed my eyes.

  This was where I belonged. In a land where music and dance merged and became one.

  I wasn’t a geek here, I wasn’t that student who got all Bs and Cs or the ballet-wannabe who watched everyone else get all the starring roles. Here, I was somebody. I could feel it.

  I never wanted to stop dancing, never wanted to leave, but Lauren took my hand and pulled me away from the crowds.

  “Look!” she said.

  A black strobe light flashed where we now stood, changing her lipstick white and her eye shadow silver. She stretched her right arm out in front of me, an arm that had been completely normal before.
>
  Now her arm was covered, from wrist to shoulder, with an elaborate, gorgeous tattoo. I gasped, enchanted, holding her wrist still so I could examine it.

  “Oh. My. Wow,” I exclaimed.

  Glowing white scrollwork turned into feathers, which then turned into swans with curving necks. It was more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen. It was a black-light tattoo, invisible until exposed to the right spectrum of light.

  “You like?” she asked, her grin widening.

  I nodded.

  Stephanie lifted her right arm, revealing an identical tattoo. Zoe did the same. They grinned at me, their teeth glowing.

  “Now. For the grand finale,” Lauren said. “Take off your jacket.”

  My eyes widened. “No way. You’re shitting me.”

  “Off, off, off!” all three girls chanted until several boys stopped to see what I was going to take off.

  I slipped off my jean jacket, both nervous and excited. My tattoo appeared in reverse, from shoulder to wrist. First, a delicate swan head appeared, resting on my right shoulder as if she had been waiting for me to see her, as if she’d been watching over me all this time. Her head curved gently to one side, her long neck twining with that of another swan and another, their wings spread wide across my biceps, each feather perfect, drawn with glowing white light, as if this lamentation of swans was immortal.

  It was Odette and the other girls from Swan Lake, young girls who had been enchanted by a sorcerer, turned into swans and condemned to swim forever on a lake made from the tears of their parents.

  Tears formed in the corners of my eyes.

  “We’re sisters,” Lauren said, taking my hand, our glowing tattoos forming an arch that bridged us together. “Always and forever.”

  “Always and forever,” Stephanie and Zoe repeated with one voice.

  I nodded. I wasn’t sure why or when we had made this commitment to one another, but it felt right. Just as right as that black box had felt wrong.

  “Always and forever,” I said.

  At that moment, I could feel the new me pushing her way to the surface, starting to reveal herself, just like that black-light tattoo. Dangerous, seductive, beautiful.