A Million Times Goodnight

by Kristina McBride

  “You what?” Ben asked, his voice tinged with something that sounded like panic as he shoved me out of his way and raced toward the car. He yanked on the locked door handle before pressing his nose to the driver’s-side window. “Jesus Christ, Hadley. How could you be so—”

  “I said I was sorry.” I gave him a little shrug.

  Ben leaned against the car, his elbows propped on the roof, hands covering his face. He looked defeated, and I almost felt sorry for him. But then his phone rang, and he snapped upright, spinning around, his face twisted with emotions I couldn’t read, a silent word escaping his lips.

  He yanked his phone from the pocket of his jeans. “’Sup?”

  I heard the muffled sound of a guy’s voice coming from the other end of the line.

  “Yeah. She’s back.”

  More jumbled talking.

  “Look, there’s a little issue with—”

  A few quick words.

  “Right. No worries, bro, I swear.”

  And then it was over. Ben slid the phone back into his pocket. He stood there, eyes focused on the ground, lips pressed together. Then he turned and slammed a fist into the windshield so hard I expected it to splinter.

  “Shit, Hadley, I did not need this tonight!” His voice echoed, anger and frustration echoing along with it, and I began to wonder what was really going on.

  “Calm down, will you?” I was still pissed, but starting to feel worried, too. “I can go find someone to drive me to your house to get your spare key, okay? It’ll only take a half hour.”

  “Hadley. I don’t have that much time.” Ben took a deep breath, then blew it out. “Just leave me alone, okay?”

  “Are you sure?” I asked, taking a step back. “Do you want me to find someone to give you a—”

  “Hadley, go. Now.”

  I turned, biting my lip so the bubble of nervous laughter that was threatening to escape wouldn’t have the chance. Then I rushed across Ryan Peterson’s lawn, my purse swinging back and forth as I made my way through the front door.

  And that’s when I saw him, Josh Lane, surrounded by six of the biggest football players on Oak Grove High’s team. That part was bad.

  Worse? Standing directly in front of him was Tyler Rawlins—Penny’s twin brother.

  8

  CINCINNATI, OHIO – 10:44 PM TRIP ODOMETER – 42 MILES

  “HADLEY, CAN you please hurry?” Mia’s face popped up between the front seats for the zillionth time since we’d veered off the exit ramp, her eyes and cheeks scrunched.

  “Mia, I swear if you don’t stop whining, I’ll—”

  “You’ll what?” Brooklyn asked with a laugh. “It’s not like you have much of a choice. Take the next right.”

  “I seriously have to pee,” Mia squealed. “Like, right now.”

  “You always have to pee,” I said, rolling my eyes. I turned onto Pavilion Street, searching for a parking spot, slowing the car as a group of college students dressed in skinny jeans and tank tops took their time crossing in front of us. “I don’t know what I was thinking, taking you on a road trip.”

  “Road trip’s over,” Brooklyn announced as she looked from the bright lights of one bar front to another. “We have officially arrived!”

  “Yeah,” Mia said. “We’re as far from Oak Grove as we can get, about to take over the coolest bar district in Cincinnati.”

  “We’re hardly as far from Oak Grove as we can get,” I said, wishing we were still cruising south on the highway.

  “Yeah. And take over?” Josh swiveled to look at Mia.

  “Hell, yes, we’re gonna take over!” Brooklyn shouted, her words streaming out the open windows.

  “This is Mount Adams. You really think you’ll get into one of these bars?”

  “You, Josh Lane, must not remember my brother,” Brooklyn said with a tilt of her head. “Eddie is a miracle worker.”

  Josh leaned back in his seat. “A miracle’s exactly what you’ll need.”

  “There!” Mia practically shot over the seats, her arm extended, finger pointing to the right side of the street. “Parking space. Right! There!”

  “Okay! I’m not blind. Or deaf, for that matter.” I eased the car into the space, listening to Mia tap her fingers impatiently on the seat back the entire time. Finally, I put the gear in park and let out a big sigh of disappointment. Cincinnati was not the destination I’d had in mind when I veered Ben’s car onto I-75. But it would have to do.

  “Holy crap, that took long enough.” Mia pushed Josh’s seat forward and practically crawled over him.

  “Do not pee on me,” Josh said, jumping out of the car and away from her.

  “Where are you even going?” I shouted through the open door.

  Mia stumbled onto the sidewalk, nearly toppling right onto her ass. A guy walking by grabbed her shoulders and righted her before moving on. She gave him a flirty wink-nod and said, “Hey, baby,” which made me feel like I might throw up all over Ben’s dash.

  Then, as if nothing had happened, she looked at me again. “There are a bunch of narrow alleyways down here. I got lost in them with Penny when we all came down to visit Eddie for Little Sibs weekend.” She started hopping from one foot to the other. “I’ll be back in a few.” Mia hobbled past a couple of bar fronts, then turned between two buildings and disappeared.

  “Can’t she be arrested for public indecency?” Josh asked.

  “Says the guy who narrowly escaped life in prison.” Brooklyn muttered the words under her breath, but she might as well have shouted them. She pulled a tube of gloss from her purse and started swiping it across her lips.

  Josh crouched down, placing his hands on the leather seat to face her. “Is that the best you’ve got? Because, trust me, I’ve heard worse.”

  Brooklyn shrugged and smacked her lips, shoving the gloss back into the front pocket of her purse. She looked down at her phone as if Josh was a total bore. “My brother just texted me. They’re at Monk’s Cove. And they have one-dollar Jell-O shots!”

  “Unbelievable.” Josh grabbed the bag of Skittles from the console, stood, and walked toward a trash can. Part of me wanted to protest—those had been for Penny—but after seeing the candies on the floor, I knew he was right. I watched him toss the bag as groups of wobbling twenty-somethings pranced by in dangerously high heels.

  A phone chimed from somewhere outside the car, and I was glad that it wasn’t mine for once—that it had nothing to do with Ben or Facebook or that naked picture of me. Thinking of the image made me cringe, and I wondered if I’d made the right decision, driving Ben’s car to Cincinnati instead of taking it back to the party. But I reminded myself that no matter what I did, Ben was going to do whatever he wanted with that picture. At least this way I had some leverage.

  I just had to figure out what to do with Josh, who was leaning against the side of the car.

  “What’s your problem, Hadley?” Brooklyn asked, her words clipped. “I said one-dollar Jell-O shots. And since you need a clue, think about this: hanging out with my brother is the perfect way to stick it to Ben. Eddie has a bunch of hot fraternity brothers, and I say that dancing in the middle of a bar—hell, on top of a bar—all pressed up against some hunk of actual college man is exactly what you need.”

  From outside the car, Josh said something that sounded a lot like No fucking way, but I couldn’t be sure with all the laughter and shouting from people on the street mixing with the music pulsing from the bars. Then he pushed off the side of the car, leaned down, and looked right at me.

  “What?”

  Josh shook his head.

  “No, don’t do that,” I said. “What?”

  “I just … Getting back at Ben this way? I thought you were a little more creative. Especially considering …”

  “Considering what?”

  Josh’s eyes flashed, the lights from the bar fronts turning them electric. Then he dropped his forearm flat on the seat between us and opened his fingers.

  An
d there I was. Resting in the palm of his hand. Totally and completely, utterly, and shamelessly naked.

  “How did you get that?” I asked.

  Josh shrugged. “Is that really what you’re worried about right now?”

  “You are on Facebook?” Brooklyn asked.

  “Impressive deduction.” Josh flashed her a smile. “I used to have a life, you know.”

  “Not anymore, loser.” Brooklyn batted her lashes. “Delete that picture or you’ll regret it.”

  “Like it’ll make any difference? From what I can see, it’s already gone viral.”

  I grabbed the door handle and shoved my way out. Brooklyn stumbled out right behind me, and suddenly we were standing in the middle of Pavilion Street, on top of a hill overlooking the bright lights that blanketed Cincinnati, right next to my ex-boyfriend’s stolen car. I pressed the button to lock the doors and shoved the keys in the pocket of my fleece, looking directly across the black convertible top and into Josh’s eyes.

  “Have you forgotten that we’re an hour from home? That I drove you here? Because if you don’t listen to her, I swear to God I’ll leave your ass right where it is, and I won’t look back.”

  Brooklyn wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight. “Who’s gonna drive all this way to rescue you, Josh Man? No one, that’s who. Because everyone back in Oak Grove hates you. Just like I hate you. And Mia hates you. And Hadley hates you, too.”

  “Brooklyn,” I said. But my voice was weak, and her anger swept the word away as if it had never existed.

  “I only let Hadley bring you along because I thought it might chap Ben’s ass, since he hates you just as much as we do. You did kill his best friend’s twin sister and all. But this plan of Hadley’s is obviously a bust. So, we’re done with you.” Brooklyn shrugged. “Bottom line: you want a ride back to town when we’re through here, you delete that picture. Now.”

  Josh stood there, frozen.

  Brooklyn tightened her grip around my shoulders. “Delete. It.”

  Josh closed his eyes. Pressed his lips together.

  Watching his chest rise and fall with a deep breath, the memories came at me in flashes: Josh and me in the woods, our hands clasped tight, faces tipped together, lips melting with the heat of a million perfect kisses.

  “That’s enough, B,” I said, my voice cracking. “Just forget it.”

  Josh’s eyes snapped open.

  Brooklyn’s arm dropped from my shoulders, and she took a few steps away. “Forget it? Hadley, that freak should not have a picture of you—”

  I shrugged. “What’s it matter? Everyone else does. Can we please just stop talking about it? The whole thing makes me feel sick.”

  I looked down at my hands, watching his shadow as Josh stepped away from the car.

  Mia skipped up a minute later. “Tonight is going to be epic!” she shouted, practically knocking us down. “Penny would be so proud you decided to screw Ben over. It’s gonna be a blast making him pay.”

  A car honked, and we all rushed to the sidewalk where Josh was standing, leaning against a red-brick wall, watching us. Off to his side, the doorway of Monk’s Cove cleared as a group entered, and Eddie Simpson surfaced from the mix.

  He glided down the steps in his übercool way, crossing the distance in a few short strides. He was wearing pastel patchwork shorts and a white polo shirt, which made him look like he belonged on some ritzy golf course, not in the middle of a college-bar district.

  “Brooklyn, baby, so good to see you,” Eddie said, moving to flick her on the forehead.

  She ducked, barely escaping her brother’s attack, just as Mia hopped forward, twirling a brown curl around one finger and looking up at Eddie with mischievous eyes. He was three years older than us, a junior in college and way out of Mia’s league, but she’d been trying to get her hands on him since about sixth grade.

  “Hey, Eddie,” she said, her words soft and slow. “Thanks for bailing us out.”

  He held his hands up in the air. “No details, please. I don’t want to be named an accessory to any of your devious, girly missions.”

  Mia giggled and kept twirling that strand of hair.

  “You guys are lucky I have friends who look like you.” He pulled three IDs from his pocket and handed one to Brooklyn, one to Mia, and one to me. “You’re Suzette, Candy, and Sarah for the evening. Perfectly illegal in all ways. And don’t let me catch you doing anything too crazy or I swear to God I’ll tell Mom.” He narrowed his eyes at Brooklyn as he said the last part, ever the big brother, then turned and started up the steps. Mia followed with one of her little skip-hops.

  And that’s when I looked back at him—Josh Lane—still leaning against the brick wall, his hands in his pockets, one foot propped behind him. He was staring at me, his eyes a window to the past, pulling long-lost memories up from a place I thought had ceased to exist. Memories like the way he used to look at me, a lazy smile on his face, unaware that we could ever run out of time; how when he was driving, he’d leave one hand on the wheel, the other always resting on my knee; the way he’d scoop me up and twirl me around when we hit the halfway mark of our favorite run, through the trails and right up to the top of that tower. My heart had closed him out nearly a year ago. But I’d dragged him all the way to Cincinnati—he’d let me drag him all the way to Cincinnati—and that meant he was my responsibility.

  “Wait,” I said. “Do you have one for Josh?”

  Eddie turned, his entire face screwed up in confusion, and walked back down the steps, whispering so the bouncer couldn’t hear him. “Brooklyn said you needed three IDs. Female IDs. Who the hell is Josh?”

  Josh stepped forward and waved a hand in the air. “Hey, man.” The hope in his voice gave away exactly how lonely he’d been.

  Eddie sucked in a breath, his chest puffing up with air.

  “I guess I forgot to mention that part,” Brooklyn said, looking at the ground.

  “I remember your face from the news.” Eddie was no longer whispering. “Josh Lane, right?”

  Josh’s face fell. He gave a single nod, and I watched him shrink into himself.

  “With my sister?” Eddie gave Brooklyn a look that was a mixture of confusion, anger, and grief. “You brought Josh-fucking-Lane to Cincinnati to hang out for the evening, Brooklyn? I don’t understand.”

  “It’s a long story.” She tucked her hair behind her ears.

  “Yeah,” Mia agreed. “A very long story.”

  “Well, you can keep your story to yourself,” Eddie snarled, taking a step toward Josh. “And you, if you know what’s good for you, will get out of here before I decide to leave this bar. Penny was like a little sister to me, man, and if I see your face again tonight, I’m going to smash it in so far—”

  “Eddie,” Mia said, grabbing on to the arm he’d raised, wrapping her fingers around his fist, which was inching closer to Josh’s face. “Let’s just forget about him. Go inside. Maybe choose a song from the jukebox. They do have a jukebox, right? Because I’m seriously ready for some tunes.”

  Eddie relaxed a little under Mia’s touch, and I half wondered if she might have a shot with him after all. But I forgot that thought when Josh leaned down and plucked his backpack from the sidewalk, flinging it over one shoulder.

  That’s when things got confusing—I heard a guy talking about the kick-ass convertible BMW parked on the street, and then someone stumbled into me from behind. More like plowed into me, because I found myself in Josh’s arms. We were too close, and I smelled musky boy scent. It reminded me of the tower, the trees, and the cool night air back on Old Henderson Road.

  “Caught you,” he said in a slow whisper. And I heard it again, his voice from life before Penny died, calling out to me as he jumped from behind the sister trees, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me tight: You can’t catch me, Hadley. But I will always catch you.

  Except he had been the one who pushed me away. I’d spent too much time making a new life for myself, and
I wasn’t about to lose that over Josh. So, this time I shoved him, swiping my hands up and down my arms as if to wipe off his touch. He turned and started down the street. I had a little pang of regret, but the feeling was washed away by an image I would never be able to erase from my memory: Penny Rawlins, lying still in an open casket, eyes closed, and the crowd of mourners spilling from the chapel on the day of her funeral.

  As Josh walked away, a voice inside of me screamed to just let him go. So when Brooklyn and Mia hopped up the steps, chattering about a sorority they’d barely heard of, as they handed their borrowed IDs to the doorman, as Eddie pressed a hand to my back and twisted me around, pushing me up the steps, I went.

  I turned back only once as the doorman placed Suzette Collins’s ID in the palm of my hand, just in time to see Josh’s green T-shirt and sandy-blond hair swallowed by a crowd of people who would all want to kill him if they had any idea what he’d done to the wild and free Penny Rawlins.

  Problem was, if they knew my secret, they would want to kill me, too.

  9

  SPRING HEIGHTS ESTATES – 10:13 PM

  “I ASKED you a question, punk.” Mike Yates, the senior captain of the football team, jabbed his hand into Josh’s shoulder.

  The circle of players tightened around Josh, but he didn’t seem to notice. His eyes were locked on Tyler’s, as if he was seeing Penny’s last moments all over again through the window of her brother’s face. Like he was frozen in a slice of time, one year ago.

  I’d pushed my way past two rocking chairs on the front patio, the music and heat from all the bodies inside like a thick wall as I stopped dead in the doorway. My hand gripped the cool handle, and my eyes darted around the oversize entry, recognizing every one of my classmates crowded around Josh, or lining the staircase, staring at the scene below. He hadn’t even made it ten steps into the house.