But after crossing the causeway, reaching the island, and driving past a twisted, dancing tree, Josh had turned right, away from civilization, along a street lined with deserted beach houses, until we’d reached the end of the road. Now there was nowhere left for me to run.
I’d smiled when I first realized where he’d taken me, my gaze fixed on the tall white structure scraping the sky. I’d wanted to say something about it being just like our place at home. But Josh’s stiff posture kept me from breaking the silence.
After parking in a deserted lot, Josh looked at me, a sad smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“I’ll tell you everything, Hadley. I promise. I just need a little more time.”
I’d nodded. My chest burned from holding my breath; I was terrified that the slightest current of air could blow his promise away.
He stepped out of the car, grabbed his backpack, and made his way down a short path that led to a ribbon of silky white beach. I watched as he kicked off his Converse shoes, snatching them up with a spray of sand, and walked toward the edge of the water. It seemed to breathe—the whole ocean—in and out.
I walked toward the lighthouse, which was perched on a mountain of stones, shoving my way through the little door with a sign that said CLOSED FOR RENOVATION and up a set of spiral steps, my hand sliding along the gritty surface of the banister. At the top, I made my way out of the lantern room, to the wraparound platform, and sat, threading my legs through a rickety railing.
The white crests of the waves swelled like rolling thunder, racing toward Josh as he sat on the beach, his knees bent toward the sun. My eyes soaked in all the details that I’d spent the last year trying to forget—all the ways he’d changed. The lazy curl of his hair was longer now. The hunch of his shoulders was more pronounced, as if he was caving in on himself. And though I couldn’t see them, I knew that his eyes had dimmed.
I sat there, wishing for strength. First with Josh. And then with Ben.
Pulling myself up, the wind tore through me as I slipped back into the lantern room. I had to make things right. Before another moment passed.
I spun myself down the steps and onto the beach, kicking off my shoes at the foot of a dune, and noticed for the first time the piece of paper clutched in Josh’s hands, flapping in the wind.
I walked up behind him, stopping just a few feet short, glad that the angle of the sun cast my shadow behind me. I could see over his shoulder and could just make out the looping script that swept across the tattered page. The purple pen. The words that pummeled me.
Sleep. I need sleep.
I knew Josh hadn’t written them.
I’m ashamed … it’s my only way out.
I was dizzy. The wind twisted around me, insisting—I had to read on.
I’ll know what it feels like to fly.
I saw her hopping across the creek behind the Badens’ backyard, disappearing as she rounded a tree, racing away from the party. In that moment, Penny Rawlins had fewer than two hours to live.
Goodnight, goodnight. A million times goodnight.
P
Josh turned, sensing me. He folded the note in half and then folded it once more.
I sat next to him, placing my hand on his, leaning against him as I slipped the note through his fingers and let it unfold and flutter in the billowing air. “I know why she did it.”
37
SIMPSONS’ KITCHEN – 5:33 AM
I RACED down the staircase, Josh behind me, ducking as we passed the front door. The only barrier between them and us was a thick slab of wood. Thankfully, the three windows in the entry were above eye level, recessed into the door itself, small and beveled and nearly impossible to see through.
“Hurry,” Brooklyn whispered, killing the lights, trailing behind Josh, Mia on her heels, Sam at the back of the pack.
The doorbell stopped.
“Hadley.” Ben’s voice was muffled. I pictured his cheek, scratchy with stubble, pressed up against the door. “Hadley, I know you’re in there.”
Someone behind me whispered, “Asshole.”
Brooklyn brushed past me, bumping the foyer table and toppling a vase, which crashed to the floor. She jumped back. “Shit!”
“We can hear you in there.” Roller. His fist pounding on the door. “You can’t hide forever.”
That damn doorbell started again, drowning out the sound of our footsteps, washing away every thought that tried to take hold in my mind.
Making our way into the kitchen, Josh grabbed his backpack, swinging it onto one shoulder, thrusting his other arm through the empty strap, that penny tattoo flashing out as he grabbed hold of my hand.
“What do you want, Ben?” Mia’s voice, loud, solid, pissed. She was standing at the front door, her palms pressed up against the dark wood.
“What the hell is she doing?” I whispered.
“Stalling so you can get out,” Brooklyn said. “Duh.”
“You know what I want,” Ben said. “Hadley. We just need to talk to her.”
“Talk, huh?” Mia shouted through the dark panel of wood. “Feels like you’re about to break the door down.”
“We can settle this easy. No problems at all.”
“Who’s with you?” Mia asked.
“Let’s cut the shit,” Roller said. “You know who I am.”
“Yeah, well, sorry to disappoint, but Hadley’s not here.”
“No way I believe that,” Ben said. “Hadley was supposed to spend the entire weekend here. With Brooklyn’s parents out of town, this is the only place for her to hide. Open the door and let me inside.”
“She’s not here.”
There was a pause. An angry murmur from the other side of the door. And then Ben’s voice again. “Let us in so we can see for ourselves.”
“I don’t know,” Mia said. “We’d have to negotiate terms.”
“She’s got them,” Brooklyn whispered, nodding her head toward the mudroom. “I’ll make sure she keeps them by the door. Get out of here, fast.”
“Hey, Josh,” Sam said. “Don’t screw this up.”
Josh shook his head. “No chance of that.”
Then it was just us, rushing across the tile floor of the mudroom, past a blur of coats and shoes, through the doorway, and into the cool darkness of the garage.
Josh’s arm slipped around my waist, his other hand squeezing mine tight. I tugged him slowly past Brooklyn’s car, toward the workbench and tool cabinet in the back corner. I was nervous—my legs were tingly, numb—and I wondered if I would be able to make it all the way to the tower. Then I thought of Josh, his legs nearly destroyed in the accident. He wasn’t strong enough to run that far.
If we couldn’t run, it would take us forever to get to the tower.
We didn’t have that kind of time.
I searched the darkness, trying to find something, anything, that would help us move faster. When I saw four bikes hanging from the ceiling, I nearly cried with relief.
“We need to move fast. Can you handle riding on the trails?”
“Yeah, but they might be a little dangerous before the sun’s up.”
“We don’t have a choice.”
I grabbed two helmets off a shelf as Josh unhooked the bikes, then raced back to the corner, feeling the wall with my hand, fingers stretching until I found what I was looking for.
The door handle. Our escape.
Yanking the door open, the hinges screamed out to the night. I wanted to scream, too. I was sure that door had just given us away.
Josh shoved Brooklyn’s bike outside, pulling her brother’s along with him. Propping his helmet on his head, he snapped the strap under his chin. I did the same, watching as he swung one leg over the seat of Eddie’s bike, shifting the backpack on his shoulders. He looked back at me.
“Ready?”
I nodded. “Let’s get out of here.”
Josh pedaled slowly at first, past a line of blossoming crab apple trees. He led us through the grass, arou
nd the trampoline, and toward the woods bordering Brooklyn’s backyard. When we hit the trailhead and the shelter of the trees, we gained speed. By the time we reached the first big hill, Josh was standing on the pedals, air whipping through the fabric of his T-shirt and the mesh of the backpack, giving him the illusion of wings.
I followed, my pulse thundering in my ears.
Behind me, I heard voices.
Rising.
Falling.
Staccato.
Full of rage.
Racing me—chasing me.
38
GRANT ISLAND, FLORIDA – 5:33 PM TRIP ODOMETER – 873 MILES
“I TOLD you I needed to be alone.”
“But you didn’t mean it.” I swept a strand of hair from my eyes. “Did you?”
I ran my thumb along the ridges of his knuckles, feeling his hands shaking beneath mine. He hadn’t meant it a year ago, either.
Josh grunted and looked out over the blanket of blue stretching before us.
“Penny killed herself.” I said the words softly. Then again, louder, more sure. “Penny killed herself. And you’ve known all this time. But you haven’t told anyone.”
Josh shook his head, his hair brushing against my cheek. “You weren’t supposed to see the note.”
“But I did.” The paper flapped in the wind. “It changes everything.”
My chest rose and fell, threatening to explode with all the emotion rushing through me. Anger and sorrow about Penny’s choice. Frustration and regret over how Josh had been treated in the wake of her death. But mostly, a fierce sense of protection. And hope. It scared me more than anything, but it was there. Hope for Josh and me. Together.
“I don’t understand everything that happened.” I leaned into Josh, my face inches from his, my lips grazing his ear. “But people should know the truth.”
Josh tipped his head against mine. “It’s too late,” he said. “I have to keep her secret. I made a promise.”
“But I didn’t.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Now that I know, I’m going to make it right. Tyler’s my friend. I can talk to him. Make him see that what this is doing to you isn’t … Wait a minute. Tyler called you. Tell me what he said.”
Josh shook his head. “It isn’t important.” He still wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Tell me.”
Josh sighed. “He called to warn me that Ben was on our trail. That he was tracking the GPS. It’s why I changed our route. I thought we’d at least have a chance—”
“Tyler warned you? He actually—”
“Don’t be angry. I didn’t want you to worry. And I had no idea how to tell you that he called without telling you everything else.”
“I’m not mad. Don’t you see? It means he’s trying to protect you.”
“Actually, he wanted to be sure I would keep you safe. Maybe he told me to watch my back, too. But it doesn’t mean things will ever go back to the way they were.” Josh ducked his head, trailing his fingers through the sand.
“You never know. Penny would never have wished this—your life, the way you’ve been treated—on anyone. Tyler has to know that.”
Josh took a few deep breaths, his shoulders shaking, and then finally looked at me, the sea-glass green of his eyes glinting with tears, swirling with sorrow and loss.
“It’s why I had to end things. With that lie between us, I couldn’t be with you. Couldn’t let you get caught up in my mess. I still can’t—”
“Oh, no. You’re not pushing me away again. First we deal with my mess. Then we deal with yours. Together.”
“Hadley, I can’t let you—”
“Oh my God.” It finally clicked. All of it. Right into place.
“What?”
“I didn’t know everything. But you don’t, either.”
Penny had seen the pictures. She had to have. And the pictures are the reason she wrote that note. The reason she did what she did. I knew it.
Pulling my phone free, I navigated to the slide show Brooklyn and Mia had sent. Josh deserved to know that Penny’s choice was based on more than he’d ever suspected.
I’d seen her that night, alone, near the creek in the Badens’ backyard. People streamed between us, partially blocking my view, but she had been staring into the woods as though they were calling to her. She moved toward the trees but backed away just before crossing the creek, walking into a guy with a plastic cup. Beer spilled, the guy shouted, and Penny’s eyes squeezed tight, as if she were making the most important wish of her life. When her lashes fluttered open, she caught me staring. Brooklyn and Mia were debating the finer points of some guy’s ass, and I pulled them away, tugging them through the crowd until we were right by Penny’s side. She’d smiled, then said the party was lame and she was out.
I wanted to leave with her—something was wrong, and I knew it—but she insisted on going alone. Brooklyn and Mia tried, too, but she stopped us all.
I need to think, Penny had said. A walk in the woods will solve everything.
I made her promise to call me. Because after thinking, there’s always talking. With us, at least. Now I realized she hadn’t promised. She’d simply nodded before turning away.
Penny must have been afraid of people finding out, ashamed of what she had done. Confused about how it had happened. Just as I had been feeling since I first saw the picture Ben posted on Facebook.
“You see?” I asked as Josh’s eyes moved from the pictures to the waves. “It wasn’t your fault.”
I reached my hand up, my fingers sliding over the scruffy stubble on his face, running across the smooth skin of his lips. Leaning forward—slowly, so very slowly—my mouth grazed his. And then his hands slipped free of mine, reaching around to the small of my back, pulling me to him, down to the sand.
I drank him in, the salty taste of the air and his heat burning everything away. And I made a million silent promises to myself and to him, to the waves and the wind and the sugary pink sky. I would find a way to keep him safe, to take every bad thing and make it right.
39
THE WITCHES’ TOWER – 5:51 AM
WE WERE panting when we arrived at the tower, gasping for air as we leaned the bikes against the shadowed side of the sister trees.
And then we scrambled.
Josh pacing off steps in the woods.
Me ducking through the door of the tower, spiraling my way up the staircase to leave the clue, and racing my way back down again.
Ten breathless minutes after we arrived, we stepped into the clearing, Josh behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist. The tower stood before us, shrouded by a hazy mist.
Running my hand up the length of his arm, I saw it again.
“The tattoo,” I said, my voice scratchy with exhaustion. “Why’d you get it?”
“To remember her. So I would never forget why I was keeping her secret.”
“That’s sad.” The sky had broken into a fiery pink glow that stretched as far as I could see, wisps of clouds hanging from the streaks of light like sugary beads of cotton candy. “And sweet.”
Breathing Josh in, the scent of boy and earth and night all mixed together, gave me strength.
“We’re ready?” I asked.
Josh nodded. “As ready as we’ll ever be.”
I held my hand between us, palm up.
Josh dropped his phone onto the tangled map of lines creasing my palm and smiled. “Almost over now.”
“Sure is,” I said. I typed Brooklyn’s number, hoping that Ben was still there so she could pass my message along, just as we’d planned.
Me: I’m in the woods
I’m way up high.
Come and find me.
Dare you to try.
I hit SEND and watched as the text went through.
“Done,” I said. “He should be here soon.”
40
GRANT ISLAND, FLORIDA – 5:51 PM TRIP ODOMETER – 873 MILES
“YOU’RE SURE you want to wait here?” Josh asked, swinging his
sandy feet into the car and pulling the passenger-side door closed before tossing his backpack into the back.
I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. “I’m sure.” I tucked my hands in the front pockets of my jeans to control my nerves. “You’re okay?”
“I think I am.” Josh smiled. “Or at least I will be.”
“Good.” I smiled back as my fingers grazed the surface of my favorite ring, the one I’d tucked away in my pocket when this crazy night had only just begun.
“I appreciate what you want to do, but you can’t have any expectations. Penny’s family might have given me that note so I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life blaming myself, but there’s no guarantee they’ll be ready to tell the world what really happened. Not even if we do decide to show them what Ben did to her. I have to be okay with that.”
“No ifs. They’re going to see those pictures.” I pulled the ring from my pocket and slid it on my finger, back where it belonged. I wasn’t going to let Ben Baden take one more thing away from me. “Tyler’s already seen them. According to Brooklyn, he’s up for helping bust Ben, so he must be planning to tell his parents. You see? It’s all falling into place. Without you even trying.”
Josh sighed. “It’s scary to hope.”
I leaned toward him, tracing the outline of the penny tattoo with the tip of my finger. “I’m sorry I let you push me away. God, you must have hated me.”
“I hated Ben Baden a whole lot more.”
“You know why I started dating him, right?”
“To spite me?”
“To forget you. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget you.”
Josh smiled. “Looks like your plan failed pretty miserably.”
A Million Times Goodnight Page 19