I glanced through a paper one of the customers had left behind and almost at once my eye fell on a small item which made my heart leap. FILM PLAYER HURT IN FALL. I can't understand it. The moment my eye lighted on that heading I had a feeling it was Raoul. And of course, it was. He was in the Cedars of Lebanon Hospital with lacerations and a dislocated arm.
My first reaction upon running across the article was surprise, naturally; then it became remorse for having treated the boy so shabbily when it had all been my own fault. However as I read along, I began to smile. It wasn't very nice, but I immediately began to think that here was something else for Raoul to add to his scrapbook. Here were five full paragraphs dealing with him alone. But the final paragraph, when I reached it, wiped the smile off my face:
“The accident, according to the actor, happened during the course of his morning constitutional, a climb to the top of the Hollywood mountain. Not far from the old sign at the peak, he slipped and fell. The brush growing on the steep sides of the mountain fortunately broke the fall and saved him from what easily might have been a fatal injury. Mr. Kildare, last seen as the young aviator in 'Wings of the Damned' is for the present at liberty, so his accident will cause no casting difficulties.”
I read the article through again for a more definite hint as to what time the accident occurred. Yes, it was a little before seven o'clock. That meant he must have gone up there soon after he had left me at my door. A cold hand began to close over my heart. I was responsible. The more I thought about it the more positive I grew that the mishap had not been a mishap. Try as I might to dismiss the thought, I became convinced that he had taken to heart what I'd said to him and it had made him despondent. For was it reasonable that Raoul should want to climb mountains in the rain? And at that ungodly hour? Even in Hollywood people don't do such silly things, unless they're drunk or surrounded by publicity men. Raoul had been sober as a judge, if that is an accepted simile.
I was worried. Not about Raoul particularly, for he wasn't seriously hurt, but about myself. I suddenly recognized myself to be a weapon, every bit as formidable as a knife or a gun, and liable to do untold damage unless kept in check. Now someone had actually attempted suicide because of a few words I had uttered. I didn't want anything like that to happen and, for the first time in my life, I began to realize just how deadly our tongues can be. I am afraid up until that time I had been in the habit of speaking without thinking, saying things I really didn't mean and not caring a great deal what effect my words took. Scenes came back to me out of the past: Sammie Keener, when I handed him his hat and told him I never wanted to see him again because he was a hopeless drunk; Bellman, when I laughed at his clumsy attempt to make love to me and when I told him to act his age, that he was old enough to be my father; Alex Roth, the time I bawled him out for doing no more than turn on a bed-lamp. Those things all had hurt. God knows how long the sting had lasted. I hadn't given them a thought because I didn't know any better and wasn't there to see the damage. However, now, with Raoul falling or jumping off mountains, I was afforded the privilege of witnessing the whole show. I didn't care for it, I can tell you.
I went inside the stand and telephoned the Cedars, Mr. Kildare was doing very well, thank you—as well as could be expected. Visiting hours were in the afternoon. Yes, I could come in the morning after ten if that was the only time I had free. No, Mr. Kildare could not receive a phone call at that hour. If there was any message I wanted to leave, it would be delivered to him first thing in the morning.
After I hung up I sat there in the booth biting my nails. Was I jumping to conclusions? After all, why should Raoul care one bit what I said about him? I was nothing in his life—just a girl he had been to bed with. But climbing up to the sign, and in the rain, and immediately after seeing me home.... Too much coincidence there. I stepped out of the booth and looked on the counter for the paper. I thought that maybe if I read it again... but someone had walked off with it.
The remainder of the night was ruined for me. Usually the hours went by quickly and Selma's arrival at midnight to relieve me was always something of a surprise. Tonight it was different. Time dragged like nothing human, and I was in such an unpleasant frame of mind that I slapped the short-order cook for a childish prank which at any other time I would have ignored. “What's the matter?” I heard him grumble. “Is it made of gold?”
Selma came to work thirty minutes early. That was quite a shock to everyone. Although she was conscientious and a very good worker and never even so much as a minute late, her appearance at the stand always was on the dot of twelve. You could almost regulate your watch by her. Mr. Bloomberg, who was preparing to go home, nodded in satisfaction—although he took pains to conceal his approval from her by grumbling how terrible business was in answer to her “good evening”. Mr. Bloomberg's idea of an employer was somebody who is ill-treated, a scapegoat and a martyr. Had there been any hair on his head, he would have blamed the grey ones on his cooks and waitresses. After Selma had changed into her uniform, she came out to where I was stationed. “You're not off yet, Sue. It's only eleven-forty. I came early so I could talk to you.”
There was very little business at that hour so what there was of conversation went uninterrupted. “Did you see the paper?” she asked, coming right to the point.
“Yes. Too bad, wasn't it?”
“Yes. ”
“Lucky he wasn't killed. What a fool thing to be doing in the rain.”
She fixed a penetrating stare on my face and for what seemed like a long time she didn't say anything. I felt very uncomfortable standing there, with Selma trying to read my mind. I had nothing to conceal, but my eyes felt shifty for all of that. That annoyed me. I made up my mind if she became too inquisitive I'd put her in her place. What had happened between Raoul and me was my business, not hers. Yet, there was something about her which put me on the defensive, an air of authority. I respected it, strangely enough.
“Sue, what did you do to him?”
“Do?”
“Yes. I know something happened. It would take more than just no work to drive Raoul to do thing like that.”
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
Selma moved closer, so close that I could smell the Dentine on her breath. Her large breasts pressed against my shoulder.
“Oh, yes, you do. You were out with him last night, weren't you?”
“What if I was?”
“You were the last person with him.”
“Well? Is that any business of yours?
She hesitated a second. When at length she spoke it was in a calm, quiet voice. It was strange, but I would have felt better if she had shouted.
“Yes, I'm afraid it is. Raoul is... a friend of mine. I've known him for a long time and I wouldn't like to see him wind up wrong.”
I didn't relish the implication and I flared into a temper. I don't fly off the handle very often, but this was a deliberate slap in the face. “What's the matter, Selma? Are you jealous because he went out with me instead of taking you out?”
This time it was Selma who dropped her eyes and I knew I'd hit me sore spot. I felt repaid, and with it a generous mood came over me. I would give up Raoul, nobly, like the wife in a movie to “the other woman.” Selma could not fail to appreciate the sacrifice... Of course, since I really didn't care about the man it wouldn't hurt very much. But Selma needn't know this. Selma, however, spoiled it all.
“No, I'm not jealous. Nothing of the kind. I don't care how many little tramps Raoul runs around with—providing they're harmless. But I'm not so sure about you, Harvey. You have a mean streak.”
Can you imagine such a thing!
No one, not even my mother, had ever spoken that way to me before. A mean streak, indeed! While all my life I may have been thoughtless, I had never been deliberately mean, that I know of. My dander was up. I wanted to fly into her with my nails and rake that sullen look from her face. I don't know what kept me from doing it—unless it was because
I realized that was exactly what Selma was hoping to do. Selma was built like a peasant.
“Yes,” she continued, “you're hard and mean. I've only known you a few months, but it sticks out all over you. You want to get ahead and you don't care who you step on if you can make the grade. Now Raoul Kildare is a nice boy—too good for your kind. I'm not going to sit by and watch you play him for a sucker. I saw him this afternoon at the hospital. From what I gathered, that fall wasn't an accident. I'm giving you fair warning that...”
I didn't love the man, didn't care whether I ever saw him again or not, but I couldn't let Selma give me “warnings”. I would see Raoul again. I would go out with him, if only to show her I refused to be bossed.
“You mind your own business,” I said through closed teeth. “I'll go out with him whenever I like. And if it burns you up, all the better.”
“You'll be sorry.”
I laughed in her face .
But later that night as I lay in bed alongside of Ewy, I began to consider the things Selma had accused me of being. Was I mean and hard? No, of course I wasn't. What an idea! I was always feeling sorry for someone and doing things for people I didn't really have to do. I want to get ahead, but I was certainly not the ruthless type.
That got me wondering. I began to ask myself what things wouldn't I do to land a contract. A whole flock of things came into my head at first—because I am essentially a decent person, even if I am ambitious. Nevertheless, after I weighed them honestly and balanced them opposite a fat part, they weeded out and the list gradually kept shrinking.
I wouldn't sell my body, of course—or would I? That was a disgusting thought and one I would have preferred to dismiss; but, well, would I or not? The truthful answer: I would. It would be a loathsome ordeal and I would hate every minute of it, but it would be over in no time and there were always some sacrifices a girl must make for the sake of her art. But only if the man was thin and youngish. I can't stand fat men...such as Manny Fleishmeyer.
What else wouldn't I do? There wasn't much, frankly. I was dead earnest about my film career, and the obstacles I would have to encounter did not bother me half as much as the thought that I might never have the opportunity to meet one of them. As yet there was not even a glimmer of hope ahead. In the final analysis, about the only thing I most certainly would not do was kill someone.
But that did not necessarily imply I was stepping on anyone by going out with Raoul—except poor Alex, who, after all, knew nothing about it. Raoul in no way affected my intended career. He wasn't a big enough figure to be able to help me. Good night, the way Selma talked one would think he was a star or an important executive, instead of a mere bit-player! All that threw me off on to the subject of Mr. Kildare. I commenced to wonder what he was thinking of the whole thing. Had he mentioned me to Selma when she visited him? Was he very angry? Was he injured—his pride, I mean? Was he in love with Selma? She with him? Or he with me? It was rather amusing to consider how very little I knew about the man who had attempted to kill himself because of me. I knew his name. But that was about all.
This business about being in love with me: I hadn't taken it into consideration before. While loads of men at one time or another have fallen in love with me—chiefly because I wanted them to—Raoul had displayed no visible sign that he was smitten. I remembered his attitude and grew a little provoked. I decided he was too conceited to care anything about anyone except himself. He was the kind who told a girl “I love you” just to hear the sound of his voice; and when she believed him and he got his way he went home later on and patted himself on the back, thinking what a great lover he was and how Casanova could have learned plenty from him.
There are a great many men like that. However, sometimes they get caught in their own trap. They try to be so convincing in their lives that they finally succeeded in convincing even themselves; and when eventually they wake up they are either married or in trouble. As for myself, I am also of the type easily carried away by props, dialogue and special effects. If there is a romantic background, a handsome man with a good line, and nothing to distract me—like phones ringing or magazine salesmen coming to the door—I'm apt to think I'm in love. The feeling only lasts momentarily, but very often that moment or two is all the fellow needs. I wish I had been made differently.
However, with Raoul I never for an instant fancied myself in love. He had made no effort to woo me that way. It had been straightforward sex, brought about by a quantity of inferior rye which he had fed me as rapidly as I could down it. There had been no lies, however sweet to hear, nothing at all to which I could cling later as an excuse for what we did. The man hadn't even tried to persuade me with the wild, Hollywoodish philosophy, stolen from the Rubaiyat and translated into slang. He had gone about the task of seducing me as simply and as matter-of-factly as a surgeon taking out a patient's tonsils. The thing that puzzled me though was why the patient hadn't struggled.
But mat was beside the point. It had nothing to do with the grave issue at hand. Since I am a believer in that old adage about burying the past before it buries you, I wanted to wash my hands of the whole affair. But first there was a lot to be ironed out. I couldn't go on and let the poor devil kill himself because of anything to do with me. Fun is fun. It ends there.
So at the risk of having him refuse to see me, I made up my mind to go to the hospital in the morning. I'd go early, to avoid running into Selma. I wasn't afraid of her in any sense of the word—I just didn't like her—but running into her might cause a scene. I'd bring some flowers along with me too, as a peace offering. I'd scrape together a few dollars for carnations or chrysanthemums and to hell with mother this week. Mother could wear her fall suit a little while longer. Raoul was far more important at the moment. He was probably in pain. While it wasn't exactly my fault that he was suffering (he was a grown man and if he wanted to be crazy it was his business), I felt somewhat guilty Selma had guessed that much correctly.
This settled, I poked Ewy in the ribs. I hated to awaken her, but I never hear alarms when I want to hear them. She sat up in bed.
“Now what?”
“Oh, are you awake, Ewy?”
“I wasn't, until you jabbed your fist into me!”
“Did I? Oh, I'm sorry. Go back to sleep, honey. I'll be careful next time I rollover .”
“See that you do. My god, have a little consideration!”
“Well, no sense getting angry about it. I said I was sorry, didn't I?”
“All right. Only shut up.”
“Good night.”
“Umm.”
“And Ewy...”
“Well, what is it now?”
“Will you get me up when you leave for work tomorrow?”
“I'll do my best. Good night.”
“Be sure I get up, will you? It's important.”
“All right.”
“Well, good night, Ewy. Sleep tight.”
She didn't answer me.
Even after having made that decision I tossed around in bed for hours. I made three not-very-necessary trips to the bathroom, reading a fifteen minute Liberty story and a short note from Ewy to the effect that Mr. Fleishmeyer called and wanted to know if I had died, and that due to a horse named Black Brigand, Ewy would be two dollars short on the grocery fund this week. I felt uneasy in my mind and I kept seeing Raoul's face before me. At one moment he would be kissing me and, at the next, balancing himself on top of one of the letters in the sign H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D. I caught myself spelling the word over and over again. H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D. It didn't put me to sleep, like counting sheep jumping over a fence; it kept me awake. At length I sat up and felt on the night-table for my package of cigarettes. Lighting one, I held the match close to the battered face of the clock on the floor beside the bed. It was four-thirteen. I propped the pillow up behind my back, drew the covers under my knees and sat there smoking until dawn. I just couldn't sleep.
It is going to be extremely difficult to describe my visit to the hospita
l the next day. This is because the whole thing remains vague to me. I found out two things which absolutely astonished me, so for the greater part of the half hour I was in a fog. When I finally came out of the place I crossed Fountain Avenue and looked for the nearest bar. I needed a drink and needed one badly. For not only did I find out what was going on in Raoul's mind, I found out what was hidden in mine.
It will always remain a mystery to me: how we can go along blissfully from day to day, never realizing things which have happened to us. Why we can't detect feelings that are new without having the roof fall in suddenly is the craziest unanswerable question of nature. Have you ever been surprised at yourself? It is a funny feeling. We are so sure we know our inner selves, yet very often we are quite different. Sometimes I think that other people—even comparative strangers—know us better than we know ourselves. But all this must sound silly. I'll try to relate what happened.
When a nurse ushered me into his room he was sitting up in bed, reading a book. He looked a mess, all right. His head was swathed in bandages and his left arm was in splints. All a person could see of his face was the small area from his mouth to his eyebrows, the rest was gauze and adhesive. The nurse left us alone, for which I was grateful. I didn't know how he would receive me; if he threw the book at me it was just as well we had no audience.
“Hello, Raoul. I... I heard you had an accident and.... well, I've come to see how you are getting along. I... I was passing in the neighborhood so I thought... er...”
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