by Mark Tatulli
“I have something you really need to see!”
I pass Mr. Needles the hand-drawn pages I’ve just completed after listening to Jessup and Jasper’s story.
“What is this, boy?” he snarls, taking the papers. “Comics? I have no time for this nonsense!”
“No, sir! Well, yes, it’s comics—but it’s also a confession!”
Mr. Needles growls and begins reading the crumpled pages.
Mr. Needles just stands there staring at the pages, and I wait for him to react.
“You have some imagination, Pucket. That sure is an interesting story,” he says finally.
“But you’re too late, sir,” he says, sprinkling the shredded bits of paper in front of my face. “Your future has already been decided. I just had a secret meeting with the school board.”
“But, Mr. Needles, I didn’t—”
He holds up his hand and continues.
“I couldn’t get you booted out of Cloverfield, but the board agrees that I have enough evidence to keep you from going on the field trip to Crab Shell Pier.
“But don’t worry, Pucket. I’m sure your friends will all take pictures of what you’re missing!”
25
game
over
I stand there in shock, rooted to the spot.
That’s it. I’m done. Toast. Game over.
Everything I did to change myself and clean up my act and stop scaring people was for nothing. All the work, the extracurricular activities, staying away from Ricky, wearing brightly colored shirts and sensible shoes! All for nada! Mr. Needles went ahead and did what he wanted to do anyway! He cut me from the trip to Crab Shell Pier!
I still can’t move when the Wickerstool twins walk over.
“I told him,” I say. “I told him, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care because he expects me to be this way! I think everybody expects me to be this way!”
As usual, Jessup looks confused.
“Expects you to be what way?”
I walk to my locker. I fling the door open and . . .
. . . a mess of day-old mixed vegetables comes tumbling out. I laugh to myself. Looks like Janitor DeWicky has been here. Well, he’s in for a big surprise, too!
I reach deep inside my locker . . .
“You lost your mind, boy? What gives?” asks Jasper.
I turn to the Wickerstool twins.
“Nothing’s wrong! It’s all good! It’s perfect, in fact,” I say. “But we have to hurry! Tomorrow is opening night of the musical, and everyone will be there! I need your help!”
“What did you have in mind, son?” Jasper asks. “Nothing too wacky, Desmond!”
“Don’t worry, Jasper,” I say. “The sleepover party was great, but this for sure will be my ultimate super-epic masterpiece!”
But first, there’s a big wrong that I have to make right . . .
26
the
sorry
He should be coming by soon.
He used to always come this way. A shortcut to school, through Mrs. Stravalli’s hedges.
All right, one down. I’ll try again in Mrs. Trench’s science class.
OK, if this doesn’t work,
I give up . . .
27
opening
night
It’s a full house.
Everybody’s here, just like I thought.
“Desmond Pucket!” Mr. Bramfield whisper-shouts. “Get away from that curtain! Actors don’t peek out at the audience!”
“Well, don’t wait until the last minute! You’re already on borrowed time, son!”
Mr. B knows I’ve been kicked off the class field trip, but he decided to let me stay in the show. He’s a pretty good egg. And he’s got the body shape to prove it.
They say it’s totally normal to be nervous before a show. To have butterflies in your stomach.
Yeah, I’m nervous all right, but it’s not because I’m afraid of forgetting my lines. I play the balloon vendor, and I only have one . . .
But my line is pretty important. It’s in the final act, the last spoken line of the musical.
It also happens to be the cue to start my most epic monster magic production ever!
After the final dress rehearsal last night, we pretended to leave. Then we hid backstage and waited for everyone else to go. Once the last light clicked off and the door slammed shut, we sprang into action!
We worked until 4 a.m., cutting, tying, running wires, hooking up switches, and setting lights. We didn’t even have time to test anything. The first time we will see if everything works is during the show itself!
“Desmond Pucket! Hurry now! Hurry! Get into your costume! It’s—”
“Yes, I know, Mr. B! I know—”
28
stage
fright
One hour and forty-five minutes later, Mr. Bramfield’s production of Merry-Go-Musical: A Circus of Songs! is almost over. The audience is packed with school officials and parents and teachers and kids and aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas, and they’re all really, really . . .
. . . bored.
It’s not that Mr. B picks boring shows to do. OK, yes, Mr. B always picks boring shows to do. But I’m sure those musicals were exciting when they were first written. Back in 1842. In any case, the audience is in a half-asleep stupor. And that’s just how I want them. A bored audience is ripe for the fright!
Ulp. I’m starting to feel those pterodactyls again.
“Desmond! Your cue! Get onstage, boy!”
It’s Ricky, in my earpiece. Calling from up in the sound and lighting booth. Good ol’ Ricky.
I walk onstage with my balloons and mustache. I can’t see the audience because of the stage lights. And then I turn and see her. Tina Schimsky. Amazing in her costume and glowing in the bright beams! My heart is thumping in my ears.
Holy guacamole, she is so beautiful that I . . .
that I . . .
I don’t believe it. My one line. I forgot my one, all-important line!
And that is how Mr. Bramfield steals my one line—and without even knowing it, signals the start of my most colossal monster magic show ever . . .
29
epic
Ricky kills the lights.
The entire theater goes pitch black.
In the darkness, Jasper darts onto the stage and hooks a rope to the harness on my back. Then he gives a tugging signal to Jessup, who pulls on the other end. A long sharp hiss is heard, and the stage fills with fog, spilling into the audience. Before anyone can react, fiendish red, green, and purple lights kick on, washing the entire fog-covered stage and the stunned actors.
Heavy metal music, punctuated by atomic farts, blares from gigantic speakers. (I would have gone with eerie organ music or a horror movie soundtrack, but the audio is Ricky’s baby!) And I, the balloon man in my harness, hoisted into the air by Jessup, float over the entire scene. So far, so good!
I see Mr. Bramfield running around backstage in confusion, barking into his headset. The audience is starting to murmur and look around, wondering what’s going on. Let’s get this party started!
The dozen fifteen-foot giant waving monsters (donated by Jasper’s friends at Frenggle Brothers Dodge and Toyota) inflate through the fog one by one and flutter over the shocked audience.
I think it’s safe to say they’re not bored anymore!
This is Becky’s coolest invention! She wired cans of silly string to an old keyboard! Then she placed the cans in high strategic places all over the theater.
And when she hits different keys, different-colored cans of silly string squirt out over the audience!
I told you she was a genius!
And then the lightning and thunder effects flash and crash, which naturally means . . .
Although it’s the simplest effect, rain is always the best. There’s nothing adults hate worse than being wet. Have you ever seen a kid with an umbrella? Only adults. If you ever see a kid with an umbrella, you know it
’s because some adult made him carry it.
But even adults with umbrellas are no match for what comes next . . .
And on that command, the confetti cannons erupt . . .
. . . showering the audience with buckets of rubber snakes, plastic spiders, and fake cockroaches!
It’s complete pandemonium! The audience is shouting and screaming and waving their arms as the fog and thunder and lightning and rain and heavy metal music and confetti and silly string and giant monsters fly all around them!
A totally epic monster magic success!
But there’s still one more order of business.
“OK, Jasper and Jessup,” I shout into the mic, trying to be heard over the noise and music, “lower me down.”
This harness the Wickerstools borrowed from the Garvanni trapeze team (I told you they knew everybody!) is really cool. The twins can fly me anywhere over the chaotic audience. But I have one particular destination in mind . . .
“So I figured I’d go out with a bang!”
My sister, Rachel, and Leesa Needles both got their own paint-filled balloons, too . . . but that’s not as great as I thought it would be.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s pretty cool dishing out my monstery payback to the ones who have it coming. But the really awesome thing . . .
. . . is just being myself again!
30
the end
of it
As the screaming and the monster effects die down, I float toward the stage to face the music. But first . . .
I settle on the ground and grab the mic. Jasper takes my balloons, and Ricky gives me a spotlight.
As if I didn’t already have their attention.
“And I’d like to give a very special shout-out to the one man without whom none of this would be possible . . .”
The crowd just stands there in stunned silence. And then suddenly they break into wild cheers and start clapping!
The enthusiastic crowd carries a dumbfounded Mr. Needles onto the stage and drops him right next to me.
Mrs. Badonkus, the school principal, comes bounding onto the stage clapping. She’s soaked to the bone, covered in silly string, rubber snakes, plastic spiders and roaches . . . and grinning from ear to ear!
She shakes my hand excitedly.
“I’m scheduling extra performances!” she continues. “When word about this gets out, we’ll sell a million tickets! The school will make a fortune!”
Suddenly, pushing through the crowd onto the stage . . .
If you could hook Tina to a generator, that girl could light a small city.
A hug from Tina Schimsky! And she called me her “little balloon man”! Does this get any better?!
Mrs. Badonkus grabs Mr. Needles again.
“If this show takes in as much loot as I think, he can go on any field trip he wants!”
“One more thing, Needles,” the principal adds. “I want you personally to chaperone Pucket on that trip.”
“The way you and Desmond get along is an inspiration to the entire school! From now on I want you guys as close as two peas in a pod!”
Great.
Not exactly the happy ending I was expecting . . .
be sure to
check out
desmond's
continuing
adventures . . .
Other books by Mark Tatulli
Heart of the City
Liō: Happiness Is a Squishy Cephalopod
Silent But Deadly
Liō’s Astonishing Tales
There’s Corpses Everywhere
Reheated Liō
Zombies Need Love Too
Liō: There’s a Monster in My Socks
Liō: Making Friends
Desmond Pucket Makes Monster Magic copyright © 2013 by Mark Tatulli. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC
an Andrews McMeel Universal company
1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106
www.andrewsmcmeel.com
ISBN: 978-1-4494-4064-0
Library of Congress Control Number: 2012956051
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about the author
Mark Tatulli is an internationally syndicated cartoonist best known for his popular comic strips Heart of the City, which chronicles a fun-loving tenacious little girl's adventures in the big city of Philadelphia, and Lio, which tells the adventures of a young boy and his pet squid. In addition to cartooning, Tatulli is an accomplished filmmaker and animator, and the recipient of three Emmy Awards. He lives in New Jersey with his wife, Donna, three children, and three nefarious cats, all of whom supply endless ideas for his books.
Online:
gocomics.com/lio