Talking of attitudes, if there’s one species that’s got ’em it’s wheel clampers. Big, fat grumpy blokes with nothing better to do than ruin other people’s days. My daughter Nadine, when she had her young baby, stopped in a parking bay behind some shops while she ran in with baby to grab some things. She returned after ten minutes, and she was clamped. She saw no signs, finally locating one over twenty feet up a wall. The shop owner knew nothing about it. The clamper, the usual rather large guy with an attitude, told my daughter it’s £250 to remove the clamp, and after thirty minutes her car would be towed away, so there would be an extra £150 for towing plus storage.
She called the police who attended and said they could do nothing, as one of the flats above the shop had asked the clamp company to do this to stop people parking. She called me, and I sent out one of my recovery trucks. My driver Dennis is a very big lad – six-foot six inches, and very well built. He calmly put wheel skates on Nadine’s car, attached a hydraulic winch and lifted the car onto the flat bed.
The clamper looked on in amazement. Dennis handed the man a card and said, ‘If you want your clamp back, it’s £250 plus storage.’ Then he drove away. The clamp company came to the garage three days later, apologised and paid the fee. The clamp company are no longer on this patch.
Finally, there’s good old Leepu. Where would I be without him? I’d probably have some fucking hair for a start! I love the guy, but my God he can be an idiot sometimes. You can guarantee if there’s a tough job that needs doing, Leepu will find a way to make it that little bit harder for mechanics. Here are some moments when I could’ve quite happily put my hands round his fat neck and strangled him:
• Leepu has always loved cutting chassis and panels with little thought for the result, except for the design. All he cares about is what a car looks like and in his determination to get his job done, he forgets about everyone else’s. The car we built for Jools Holland, the famous blues pianist, was chopped at the roof, as I mentioned before. The result was that with no strengthening, the body bent and resulted in over fifty hours of extra work for myself and the team to straighten and strengthen it again. Meanwhile, Leepu went home for dinner!
• Another time we were modifying a Jaguar XJS. I was working underneath the car and ‘Chopper’, as I called Leepu, decides to cut the roof off. The idiot cuts straight through the wiring loom, all twenty-three wires of it! He looks at me and I look at him, he can see I’m really angry, and all he can say is ‘Whoops!’ Result? Me chasing him from the garage with a spanner, and he never returned for two days! But we kissed and made up eventually, as we always did.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
BERNIE’S TIPS AND TRICKS
There are lots of ways you can help yourself save money at the garage and get yourself out of a pickle when you most need it, and you don’t need any special skills or professional equipment to put them into practice.
AIR CONDITIONING
Over time the moisture in your air con will naturally create a build-up of algae in the air vents. Some garages charge anything from £50 to £250 to service air conditioning systems and rid you of the smell that the algae creates. My method costs pennies and will neutralise and get rid of the bacteria. Get a pipette from any good chemist and apply ‘Ylang Ylang’ or lavender essential oils (or an essential oil of your choice). Add a few drops into all the air vents, about ten drops per vent, and allow to settle for two hours before using the air conditioning again. When you do you will get a much more pleasant smell and no more algae bacteria. This tip will also help people with travel sickness.
HEATER NOT KEEPING YOU WARM?
If you find your heater isn’t keeping you warm or creating a smell like burning paper, it probably means the pollen filter needs a clean. Simply take it out and clean or replace the thing. This will save you hundreds of pounds on a new heating system.
BROKEN RADIATOR HOSE
It’s one of those things on a car that can go at any moment, but there is a simple fix if you ever find yourself on the road and discover water leaking from your radiator hose. Simply carry duct tape in the boot of your car. Apply this around the hose as tightly as you can, with four or five turns to seal the hole completely. It’s always a good idea to carry a bottle of water with you too, but if you don’t have one or access to one, then you can fill up the radiator with the contents of the screenwash bottle, just as a temporary measure to get you to the nearest garage. If it’s a slow leak, then these measures will (when driven slowly) get you to the nearest garage to be able to effect a replacement hose. In the trade these are called ‘running repairs’.
WARNING: ALWAYS BE CAREFUL WITH THE HOT WATER IN THE RADIATOR. SCALDING WATER CAN GUSH OUT AT PRESSURE IF YOU REMOVE THE CAP.
A NEW PAINT JOB
If you’ve got dull paintwork then your only options are a re-spray or a full paint valet, both of which can cost you thousands of pounds. But with my way you can get great results for barely ten pounds. Purchase some good liquid car polish and exfoliating face cream. Mix together ten parts polish to three parts cream. Polish into each panel and allow to dry, then buff to a superb shine. Dead paint gone, shine back and hundreds of pounds saved!
CHIPPED PAINTWORK
Small lacquer chips on your car paintwork can be invisibly mended using clear nail varnish. Clean the area with a clean cloth (NOT polish) and, using the brush supplied, gently paint over the lacquer chips. As if by magic they disappear.
CHROME WORK
If your chrome work is dull then the technique is slightly different. Use a dry bit of wire wool on the rust and rub all around the chrome. Amazingly this will take away all the pitting and your chrome will get a new-look shine. Then simply finish off with a good car polish to get a gleam and to give it some protection.
PLASTIC TRIMS
If you have plastic trims rather than chrome work and it has dulled, simply use some baby wipes to clean and shine it. You can also use baby wipes on the dashboard and plastic door panels to make them look like new again.
WINDOWS
If it’s grubby or streaked windows that are letting the look of your car down, simply spray a little water onto the glass and buff off with some crumpled newspaper. You’ll be surprised with the results!
DEAD BATTERY?
Before you replace a dead car battery, you may want to check the water levels. What?! Yes, batteries have distilled water in them to make the chemical and electrical reaction to charge a battery. This distilled water running low can sometimes be the cause of a flat battery, but purchasing distilled water isn’t cheap. As an alternative you can create your own and there are several ways of doing this. The easiest is perhaps to quarter-fill a stainless steel saucepan with tap water. Place a glass bowl on top so that it is floating in the water. Place the lid to your stainless steel saucepan on top, but upside down so that you can place some ice on top of it. Put the saucepan and the contents onto the hob to boil, then add the ice into the lid. This will make the lid cold, so that when the steam from the boiling water below hits it condensation is created, which will then drip back into your glass bowl, but minus the impurities.
This de-ionized water can then be used to top up the plates inside your battery. Put it on a slow charge using a battery charger, and in a few hours your battery will have a new lease of life!
WARNING: BE CAREFUL WITH BOILING WATER. ALLOW TO COOL COMPLETELY BEFORE USING YOUR DISTILLED WATER.
CIGARETTE LIGHTER
If you find your cigarette lighter not working it might be the element. If this corrodes and doesn’t make contact then it won’t work, so remove the element and clean it with an old toothbrush. This could save you up to £100 for a replacement cigarette lighter.
OIL LEAKS
If oil leaks or spills are making a mess of your expensive driveway you just need to sprinkle some cat litter over the offending splodge, rub it in and leave overnight. When you sweep up the next morning the oil will be gone and your drive should be clean.
SI
CK STAINS
Why do other people’s children wait until they are in your car before being sick? If they do have a mishap on your car carpet, once you’ve removed the excess, rub in some lemon juice and this will help to get rid of the lingering smell.
SQUEAKY BRAKES
There are few things more annoying about motoring than a car with squeaky brakes. If you do get them, even on a new car, it’s worth trying this little trick. Find a straight, empty road, making sure the way in front of you and behind you is COMPLETELY CLEAR. Drive at 30 mph with one foot on the accelerator and lightly touch the brake at the same time. This will skim the top surface of the brake pads and hopefully stop the squeak.
WATER IN YOUR HEADLAMPS
If you find that water in your headlamps is causing a distorted beam, first find the hole that is causing the leak and seal it by lightly applying bath sealant. Then dry out the water with a hairdryer, holding it about two inches away from the glass until the water disappears.
TYRES
If you find a tyre keeps losing air, spray around the valve and wheel hub with diluted washing up fluid. The bubbles will show you where the leak is. It may just need a simple repair, which can save you buying a whole new tyre.
PINKING
Do you have an older car that is pinking (misfiring) on acceleration and you can’t find high-octane fuel? Add a couple of simple non-coloured mothballs to the tank. They will dissolve in seconds and increase the octane rating by as much as 5 per cent. Result? More performance and no pinking, and less money needed to pay for high-octane fuel.
ELECTRICS
If you find fault codes appearing on the dashboard of your vehicle but no obvious problem, try this tip before you spend hundreds of pounds on diagnostics. Disconnect the earth wire on the battery, leave it for twenty seconds then re-connect it (without the keys in the ignition). Sometimes electronics get a glitch in the system and this can re-boot it, often curing the fault.
JAMMED DOORS
Jammed and seized door locks in the winter? Heat the tip of the key with a cigarette lighter for a few seconds, then push slowly into the lock: Magic! Then add a suitable releasing fluid to the lock such as WD40. The result? No more seizure.
WHEEL NUTS
If you find your wheel nuts are very tight and you cannot undo them with the supplied nut wrench, try tightening them up further before trying again. Or safely stand on the end of the wheel wrench whilst holding on to the roof channel.
SEIZED BOLTS
Have you got seized-up bolts, and no penetrating fluid to cut through the corrosion? Boil some vinegar, apply it to the bolts or nuts, leave it for a few seconds and, as if by magic, they will undo.
DOOR RUBBERS
It can be very annoying to have wind whistling through the door rubbers when you are driving at high speeds. Clean the door aperture rubbers with soapy water and thoroughly dry them. Apply petroleum jelly to the whole perimeter of the door rubbers. This will make them supple and will seal, resulting in no more wind noise. This works great with convertible roof rubbers as well.
STATIC SHOCK
If you are continually getting static shocks, hold onto the body of your car when getting out. The static charge will be grounded through the tyres, and you’ll get no more shocks.
CIGARETTE BURNS
Small cigarette burns in carpets and seals can be mended with ash – yes, I said ash. Apply a small amount of superglue to the burn, powder some ash onto this and let it dry. Apply a suitable dab of paint to this when it’s dry for colour matching.
FUEL CONSUMPTION
Using more fuel than you should be? Check the tyre pressures are correct. Nothing wastes more fuel than incorrect pressures or over/un-inflated tyres.
DOG DAYS
We’ve all had trouble with our motors in the winter, but sometimes hot weather can cause problems too. If you find your car won’t start on a particularly hot day then remember that fuel vapour locks are common. Place a bag of ice or frozen peas or something similar on the inlet manifold, leave it for ten minutes, and the vapour lock will go, and the car will start.
BERNIE’S ALL-TIME TOP 10 CARS
Over all these years I have had the privilege to work on some of the finest machines created by man. Cars at their very best are things of beauty, both the bodywork and the hidden craftsmanship and design under the bonnet. The great cars I’ve had the pleasure to drive and handle are too numerous to mention, but here are ten cars that I think, in their day and in their own quirky way, can stand alongside any car ever built.
1. FORD ZODIAC CONVERTIBLE CIRCA 1959
This is the epitome of the finest Ford design. A no-nonsense 6 cylinder, 2.5 litre engine that’s so simple even Stevie Wonder could work on this car, with its 3-speed manual transmission, hydraulic power roof, four full seats, and a bench seat for getting the girls close for a snog and more. Beautiful lines, open top, a real crowd puller. Had my first leg over in one of these cars, so you could say I know it intimately!
2. JAGUAR MK 2 1964, 3.8 AUTOMATIC
A real ‘hoods’ car, all the real gangsters had one of these. It has stunning looks, a powerful 3.8 twin cam engine, luxury leather interior and wire wheels. If you drove one of these you were the mutt’s nuts, a real geezer.
3. TRIUMPH VITESSE CONVERTIBLE
2.5 straight 6 cylinder engine, twin carburettor, real power and good looks. A summer car like no other, with its four seats, easy front-lift bonnet, and you could change the clutch from inside the car by removing the gear shroud. I had one and loved it.
4. MGB GT
Oh, those memories! Great British engineering, simple 1800cc engine, 4 speed with Laycock overdrive. A proper GT grand tourer car – mine was black with grey stripe interior. I changed the body to half black, half silver, and with the Rostyle wheels it was a stunner.
5. JAGUAR E-TYPE
What can I say about this car that hasn’t already been said? It’s an absolute icon. A true sports car, twin cam 6 cylinder engine (not the V12… yuk!), superb lines, a real bird puller, a noted first true 160 mph sports car. Looks like a penis on wheels, the greatest shape of any car ever designed.
6. JENSEN INTERCEPTOR
Big V8 engine, torque flight auto transmission, Pininfarina styling and made in the UK. With its leather interior it was true luxury. The classiest car I ever owned.
7. MERCEDES C270 CDI DIESEL
Real V6 diesel power, ultra luxury two-door coupé, stunning performance, real leather interior. True German engineering at its best.
8. JAGUAR 4.2 COUPÉ
White with black leather interior, auto transmission, two-door with four electric windows, who needs air conditioning with this luxury classic car? I had one for three years, but the missus always used it, and I never got a look-in!
9. RANGE ROVER P38 MK 2
Year 2000 with Thor V8 4-litre petrol engine. A fantastic car, a bit juicy, but so many luxury refinements: leather, heated seats, cruise, power, 4-wheel drive, once you iron all the problems out it is the best. My daily drive.
10. CORVETTE STINGRAY CIRCA 1968
The true American Muscle Car, it’s like me: built for comfort not speed. Superb lines, stunning looks, handles like a boat on corners, but a real crowd puller. I’ve had some fun with these over the years!
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
A man is not a man without his family and friends.
To my loving devoted wife, Lisa, who has stood by me through the good and bad times, fired me up, made me what I am today, I truly love you.
To my parents-in-law, Jo and Des, love and respect to you both.
To my daughters, Nadine and Lisa Marie, my sons-in-law, Jamie and Gareth, I am so very proud of you, truly with love from my heart, God bless you all.
To my grandchildren, Chloe, Daisy and Nia, I am the proudest Papa Grandpa in the world.
To my best friends any man could ever want: Phil and Sharon, Gerry and Shirley Rozalar, Christopher and Cil, you have been my rock; Wayne and Sue Morr
is, and my goddaughter Erin, Lyndsay and Colin Paice.
Mike and Ross Schofield and family, Colin Lincoln, Simon and Tommy (mechanics) Wayne (Baldy) – the best paintworker in the UK, George (the central European), Jake, Brett Curran and Big Clinton, Izzy, Duncan and Lindsay, Scottydog Manning, Beth, Neal, Harry and all my friends at the Samaritans, Ismet (Arches Café), Sean Hart, Andy (Oompa Loompa) Summers, Lee Essex, Phil (get the fuck outta here) Butler, Dr Rai (for keeping me healthy) and Dr Antony Karial (my dentist at the Gingerbread House).
Jimmy Nunn (still friends after 55 years), Dave (Fingers) Smith, Lenny Bonham, Eddy Pring (hard bastard), Denny Gilson (the fixer), Giancarlo Ceri (Miami), Dilip Shah, Stevie Wilson (Pork Pie), Terry Slinger (I’ll punch yer lights out yer wanker).
Bernie Fineman, Original Motor Mouth Page 21