by Claire Davis
Adam grabbed him back, blinking hard.
“Hey, what do you mean—you’re starting college in January? You got accepted?”
“Yes. I got the letter today. Your boyfriend is coming after your butt, Adam. You better pass these exams, because I told you. I am not going out with a dropout.”
Adam pushed him hard against the bed. “You’re coming to college?” he shouted.
“Yes. Different department to yours, but…yes.”
“But that’s fucking awesome! We need to celebrate, with…with champagne and a posh dinner!”
“We are poor, remember? I can make us gruel and tea, though. How does that sound?”
Adam held him down and kissed Tork until they were both breathless. “Does this mean you’ll come to the Summer Ball dance with me?”
“I don’t think so, Adam. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I could. Going to meetings and lectures will be hard enough.”
Adam knew he was right. He pushed away the disappointment, hoping it didn’t show on his face. “Yeah, it’s OK. So, you’re gonna move to the college residential halls?”
Tork shook his head, and Adam watched the familiar cloud of anxiety fall.
“I don’t know yet. Anna is helping me sort all that out. She said I can stay here for a while, to see how it goes.”
“Oh. Great!”
Tork stroked his cheek. “Sorry. I know I’m not the boyfriend you want.”
“Don’t say that! Of course you are. I was just thinking about you getting to college, that’s all. It’s a long way from here.”
But Tork just smiled, and Adam felt like shit.
“So, about this gruel?” he said. “I’m starving.” He wondered if gruel was some kind of exotic stew. Tork’s room always smelt of spices. “It’s not cat curry, is it?”
Tork sniggered.
* * *
Invasion
Paper Heart, Paper Heart,
Who has sent me love?
Is he broken,
is he bright?
Give me a sign
And he’ll be mine.
Noah Homes
* * *
Chapter Seven
Tork
“How does it usually work?” he asked Mike, not really wanting to hear the answer but knowing he had to.
“Well, depends. I could give you his address and leave it to you, or if you want, I can contact him for you.”
Tork nodded and thought how easy it all sounded. “OK. Give me the details, and I will write to him. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me? I just don’t know.”
“Just one piece of advice, son. Don’t go alone the first time, eh? It can be hard—much harder than you expect. Have someone with you, in case it’s all too much.” Mike smiled at him meaningfully. “And Tork? Plan a nice treat for after. In case it doesn’t go as you’d like.”
Tork nodded. “Good idea, Mike. I will. Adam gets his results today so we will be celebrating anyway.” His hands didn’t even shake as he took the paper, but he was aware of Mike’s watchful eyes. “Thank you, Mike. Thank you, again.”
“That’s OK. I don’t need any thanks. Just seeing you back on your feet will get me through the next year. I just…” Mike stopped, and chewed his lip.
“Go on,” Tork said, his heart beginning to hammer. Always he thought there would be a splinter—a ‘but’ that would come crashing down from space, taking away and smashing.
“Nothing, nothing, don’t look so worried. It’s just that I would hate for you to take a step backwards after meeting up with your dad, son. I’ve seen it happen so many times. Family…well. Blood is not always thicker than water, eh? Some people are best left.”
“For sure,” Tork said, thinking of the letters he never showed his mum.
His fault.
“You make sure you talk it through with your therapist and Adam, OK? And prepare yourself, just in case it doesn’t go as planned. Promise me?”
“Yes. I promise,” Tork said.
“You’ve told Adam?”
“Yes. A bit. Not much. Just that we lost touch.”
As Tork left with the papers in his hand, he knew he had to do it that day, before he lost his nerve. If he did it quickly, he could be back in time for Adam’s exam results.
* * *
On the hour bus ride, it did not seem so hard. Tork had many memories, mostly good ones, of his childhood—of holidays, homework, Christmas, eating family meals with his parents and going to school every day, happy.
The letters.
They were a happy family, of that he was sure. His parents loved one another, and they loved him. But all the time, there it was. Bubbling away beneath the surface, waiting to come flying through the air and land on all their lives.
Everything was temporary, Tork knew that now. Some days, when he was with Adam, he forgot. Watching Adam’s face when they made love, he forgot.
But it was always there.
He wanted to be normal now. Every day, he got a little better. But he knew that it was always lurking, and only he could stop it. Every time he cut himself, it came back to this, and he hated it.
It went round and round his head, but finding the house was easy. Now all he had to do was knock on the door and watch it open.
* * *
He did not see his dad standing there, ashen and upset.
All he saw was the years after—Mum’s bitterness, his own cruel words to Dad, the empty bottles Mum tried to hide…
She drank and drank, and Tork tried to keep it all together against the world, and for a long time, it looked like he’d managed—at least that was how it appeared to the rest of the world. He calmly changed the telephone number and threw away the letters.
And he started cutting.
But he was calm. On the surface, he was calm.
Until Mum died. Probably an accident, they said. Tablets and alcohol together, so lethal.
But then the calm ended.
Still, Tork did not see his dad there on the doorstep, trying to hold him as the tears streamed and the lost years stood between them.
What he saw was the cork that exploded out, and the chaos of him losing touch, losing grip, losing everything.
He walked away. He just walked, and then he ran.
Chapter Eight
Adam
He banged.
“Tork?”
He waited hopefully for the banter. He loved this so much. Didn’t matter how shit things seemed, coming here to visit Tork made everything better. It was everything.
But today, it was all wrong. He’d already known that. These days, Tork always called him. Three times every day, throughout the summer, to check on his revision and ask him what he wanted for tea. After every exam.
And today, his exam results arrived, and no Tork, and that was very, very, bad. Mike had sounded worried when he rang. “Adam, I might not have said the right things to Tork. He looked a little strange as he left.”
But all Adam really knew was Tork had left the shelter at ten a.m., and there had been no contact since. Tork’s phone was switched off. At first, he thought it was probably nothing, but by now Adam knew when something was wrong. He’d already been to the garage, but no one there.
They never spoke about it, but they both knew that Tork still went there and Adam followed. There were things about Tork he’d never be able to work out.
Like the cuts.
Whenever they were naked, he secretly checked for new marks on Tork’s beautiful body. He didn’t understand, only that it happened every so often and usually coincided with Tork disappearing off to the garages.
He tried again.
“Please, Tork, let me in. If you don’t let me in, I’m coming in the window like Superman.”
Adam heard a loud miaow.
He raced across to the main building and headed towards a woman, who looked like she might be in charge. “Hi there,” he said in his best posh voice. “I don’t suppose you could let me into Tork’s room, could
you? I want to cook him a surprise dinner and lay the table.”
She smiled at him. “Oh, you’re Tork’s friend? Well, he’s supposed to check with me first.”
“But he doesn’t know. It’s a surprise.” Adam tried hard to keep his voice even, but inside he was shouting and pulling her hair to hurry up.
“OK then, but bring it back.”
Adam nodded a million times, while she went to get the spare key, and then ran back. His shaky hands struggled with the key, but eventually he fell in the room. Dickens ran to him meowing.
“Tork? Where the fuck are you?”
Instinct made him head for the bathroom. Adam was stronger than he looked, but nothing could have prepared him for what he found.
“Oh, shit. What have you done?” He crouched down on the floor beside Tork, who was just a ball with knees and his green head sticking out the top. “Just—just stay there. I’m calling an ambulance.”
That brought Tork back from wherever he’d gone. He looked up, so white, Adam instinctively reached out to stroke his cheek. “Whatever it is, we can make it right. I’ll—I’ll fix it, I promise.”
Tork smiled and leaned into Adam’s hand. “You can’t, but I’m so pleased to see you.”
Adam was sobbing. He should be the strong one now, but all he wanted was for Tork to tell him what to do. He rubbed his forehead so brutally it hurt.
“It’s OK, I’m sorry. It’s over now. I couldn’t stop the craving, but it’s over now. Adam?”
“I need to call an ambulance. I’m a shit boyfriend, but I can do that.”
“You’re my perfect boyfriend. Just help me up. I’m OK now.”
Somehow they cleaned up and washed Tork’s arm. The cut was, after all, not very big, but seeing it there on Tork’s arm made Adam tremble all over.
“Why did you do it? I’ve seen the cuts before, but I don’t get it. Why would you hurt yourself like that?”
Adam realised he was shouting and crying, and in a far worse state than Tork. He tried to stop and focused on helping Tork wrap his arm in bandages, but all he could think was Tork was hurt and unhappy, and maybe he’d end up back on the streets and it was all over.
Tork led them both to the sofa. “Just, come here,” he said. “We need to both calm down.”
There were so many things Adam wanted to know, but would he make it worse by asking? He didn’t know. This was so far out of his comfort zone, even almost a year after starting work at the shelter. So he said nothing.
“Adam, I don’t know how to explain, but I am so sorry you saw that. I will understand if you don’t want to see me anymore,” Tork said quietly, and the room swayed a little as Adam tried to not cry again.
“Of course I wanna see you! I just—don’t get it.” He sighed miserably.
“I used to do it a lot. Now, only when I can’t see any other way to stop the walls closing in on me, from everything falling down on my head.”
“But doesn’t it hurt?”
“Yes, it does. It never used to. But I need to feel a pain that I can understand.”
“You want to kill yourself?” Adam’s voice wobbled.
“No, no. I do it because I want to live. It helps me keep going.”
Half of Adam’s brain heard what Tork said, but the other half swiftly skimmed through all the people he’d met at the shelter. He desperately searched for anything that might help, but all he found was an image of his mum hugging him after he fell over.
“Shall I make you some soup?” Adam suggested. “It might warm you up a bit.”
“Soup?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s utter crap. Bollocks! What I meant was, you’re not on your own anymore, Tork. I’m trying to—you know—to be in your shoes.” He finished helplessly. He was so rubbish at this.
“Ah, soup! Yes, let’s have some soup. That is just what I need. You always know what I need.”
Adam squeezed him so hard. “Buy why all this today? You’ve been so much better.”
“I went to see my dad.”
* * *
They washed the soup bowls and spoons and went to bed, cuddling close together.
“It went badly?” Adam asked, watching Tork’s light oval eyes and wondering how anyone could not want to be around him. What the fuck had his dad done?
“Not badly exactly. We did not speak. I didn’t speak. He may have spoken, but I just shouted.”
“So what did he do to make you so mad? I mean—so angry. I didn’t mean…you know.” Adam felt his face flushing. Tork smiled and kissed him.
“He was a great dad. He was kind and clever, always got time to read to me. I had a lovely childhood. Every week, he would stick up these silly rules in our kitchen. Always worthy and good, but funny rules, too, like ‘never step on aliens’. I worshipped him. I tried to live those fucking rules, every day. I still try.”
Tork’s voice began to change, and Adam felt himself beginning to tense all over again. This was going to be bad, he just knew it.
“It was such a shock to see him, Adam. Please stop rubbing your forehead.”
Adam pulled his hand away and took Tork’s.
“Are you sure you’re up to telling me this? Just an hour ago, you were hacking off your own arm.”
Tork shrugged. “I want to be free of it all. It’s followed me around for so long. That’s why I went to see him. Whatever I do, there is a full stop in front of me that I can’t argue with. He—he doesn’t deserve it. I don’t want to be this crazy guy anymore, and I want you to know the real me.”
“You’re not crazy. Except in bed.” They giggled together. Adam moved as close to Tork as he could get without sitting in his lap.
“That’s one of the things I love about you, Adam. You have an excellent sense of saying what is appropriate.”
“Oh, you think so? Go on, out with it, then. He’s a murderer, right?”
“No! No, nothing like that. One day he just sat there in the kitchen and told us he’d fallen in love with another woman. Then he left us and moved in with her.”
Adam finally breathed, relieved it wasn’t so much worse.
“But, that’s not all.” Tork dropped Adam’s hand. “I’m so ashamed, Adam. I was such a shit after that.”
“But it wasn’t your fault! You were just a confused kid,” Adam said indignantly.
“Yes, to start with, I was. But then I got to be an adult. I idolised him, you see. I believed every word he said—that he was this great guy…” He stopped and buried his face in his hands. “You’re not going to think much of me either, once I tell you what I did.”
“What you did?” Adam was so confused.
“Yes. It could all have been so different. He tried, you see. After he left. He tried to make it right. He called, sent me letters, gifts, books. And you know what I did?”
Adam shook his head in silence.
“I hated him. We had to move house, and suddenly we were poor. I—I resented it all. I had to go to a new school, and Mum started drinking. I did not act honourably. I was a cruel little bastard.” He took a deep breath. “I shunned him. I threw away his letters, got the phone number changed. Told Mum he didn’t want to bother with us. You think I am a good person, but I’m not.”
Adam’s mind went spun, trying to process what Tork had said, but still he couldn’t see.
“But, Tork. None of that is terrible. It’s normal kid behaviour! I once took my dad’s car without asking and crashed it into a wall. It’s just what kids do.”
“Not me! I don’t do those things, or at least I didn’t. And that’s the point—what he did, it happens every day. People fall in love and move on. But I treated him like he did a terrible thing. It was me, Adam, not him. And, that’s not the worst of it. My mum drank more and more. If I had seen Dad and got over it, maybe she would have stopped. I killed her, Adam, with my lies and my hate. It was up to me to look after her, and I didn’t.”
Finally Tork’s voice broke, and he cried.
* * *
Adam stroked his hair for a long time. He’d never seen Tork cry before, and he was terrified of saying the wrong thing. “That’s what you wanted to say to your dad?” he whispered into the green hair.
Tork shrugged. “I wanted to put it right and get rid of the lump in my chest. He was just a man, not a god. I know that now. We all do things we did not plan. I wanted to say sorry. But then he opened the door, and I lost it. I don’t know what I said. You see how awful I was?”
Adam thought hard, about everything Mike had told him about people and life. He rubbed his forehead and went for it. “What you just said about your dad? About him being just a man? That’s true of you, too. You make mistakes like everyone else. No one’s perfect.”
“But my mum,” Tork said. “I made it worse for her, much worse. It’s unforgiveable. I left her to go to college. Then one night, she drank too much and took a load of pills. And I got a phone call the next day.”
“Jeez, what a mess.” Adam hugged him harder, thinking maybe his own parents weren’t so bad after all, and he better give them a ring tomorrow. “You didn’t see your dad at the funeral?”
“He came, but I wouldn’t talk to him. I was so stupid. Then after that, I could not cope with anything. My boyfriend dumped me, and…” He caressed Adam’s face. “I met you, after I was on the streets a long time.”
Adam kissed him and felt so much pressure in his chest and head, he thought he might explode in a roll of emotions. “And look at us now,” he said.
“You still want to see me?”
“What do you think?” Adam said quietly.
They lay facing each other, holding hands. It was daylight now, and weak sunshine began pouring through the window. Adam wished he could stay here forever.
“We’ve been awake all night. But now I know what I have to do,” Tork said, and for once, Adam understood.
“Yeah, but this time I’m coming with you, and we talk it through with your therapist. No turning up on a doorstep alone, and no shutting us out! You need someone there who’s sensitive and appropriate. What you need…” he said, kissing Tork and slowly grinning, “Is a hunk who passed his exams.”