by Jack Cheng
Those weren’t the only rooms I saw though. There were other rooms that had two beds in them and pictures and decorations on the walls, and there was a room with just one bed and no decorations and the bed had big belts like in Frankenstein, and then a guy with a clipboard came up to me and asked me am I lost. I told him, No, I’m just looking around because my brother’s outside talking on the phone and we’re waiting to see my mom and are you a tech? He said he is, and I should go wait in the lobby, and he took me back there and then Ronnie got mad at me—
RONNIE: I thought I’d lost you, OK? You can’t just go wandering off without telling me.
ALEX: I know, I’m sorry I wandered off, Ronnie. I was just curious . . .
RONNIE: Just try not to do anything like that again.
ALEX: OK . . .
ALEX: Hey Ronnie, do you know if our mom’s room is like that Frankenstein room I saw? I bet they use lightning in there to help patients—
RONNIE: They don’t do that kind of treatment anymore.
ALEX: Well, next time we go we should visit her in her room instead of the cafeteria, and we should bring some of her things like her slippers and an extra pillow because the ones in the rooms I saw looked flat. We should bring her pictures to hang on the wall too, that way it’ll feel more like home.
RONNIE: Let’s hold off on that for—
ALEX: But she probably misses all her stuff!
RONNIE: Look, you saw how she was today. Maybe when she’s herself again.
ALEX: What do you mean when she’s herself? She’s not NOT herself, she just has her schizophrenia problem, and if we bring her all her stuff we can help her get better.
RONNIE: It doesn’t really work like that, bud.
ALEX: Then how does it work?
ALEX: How does it work, Ronnie?
[cars passing]
ALEX: Ronnie’s talking about what happened when we saw our mom. After we waited in the lobby they told us we can meet her in the cafeteria, and we went there and then our mom came out with another tech, a big guy, he was SO tall, and he stood by the wall the whole time we were talking. Ronnie asked our mom, How do you feel? and she was looking at Ronnie with really big eyes, and then she looked at me with really big eyes, and I wanted to hold her hand and make her hair not all messy but she didn’t want me to touch her. So I just said I love you and I hope you get better.
My mom was definitely having one of her quiet days. Except maybe this time it was one of the voices in her head that told her she wasn’t supposed to talk, or maybe one of the voices was talking a lot so she couldn’t pay attention to it and to us at the same time.
But then she finally did talk, and she said, I’m not telling you anything, you’re not my sons. I thought it was weird, like, What more proof do you need! We’re right here! And I tried to convince my mom that I was really me, so I told her something that only we would know about. I said, Remember that time you picked me up from choir practice after school when I was in third grade and I was the only boy who was a soprano because my voice is so high, and when we were driving back I had to poop really bad and I was trying to hold it in and hold it in and I even turned around and stood on my knees on the seat because it made me want to go less, but then I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I pooped my pants right before we got to the house and I was crying, but you cleaned me and kissed me and you said it’s nothing to be embarrassed about because even adults do it sometimes, and isn’t it funny that when the poop is inside of us we don’t think it’s disgusting but when it’s on the outside then it’s disgusting?
I thought for sure that my mom would hear that and know I was really me. But after I told her, my mom said, You’re not Alex, you’re an alien, you stole my memories and you’re using them against me. And I told her I’m not, or at least I don’t THINK I’m an alien, and besides, it’s unlikely that aliens would come to steal our memories because we haven’t even found intelligent life outside our own—
RONNIE: Alex, you have to realize—it doesn’t matter what we say. She’s not going to believe us. Not when she’s like that.
ALEX: But she had some really interesting ideas though. Like when she told the big tech we’re only pretending to be her sons and we’re really made of trees sent by the aliens. I’ve never heard that in my whole entire life! Although my hero did say every living thing is made of starstuff so in a way we ARE trees and trees are us, even though we probably weren’t—
RONNIE: Alex, Mom’s not right.
ALEX: She’s not wrong.
RONNIE: That’s not— What I mean is that even if they’re interesting ideas to you, they’re not normal for her. You can see that, right? She’s not herself. You remember when she used to go on those shopping sprees? I’d come home from class and there’d be shopping bags full of coffeemakers and jewelry, Louis Vuitton bags. That one time you were playing an Xbox—
ALEX: I liked the Xbox.
RONNIE: I know you did, bud. And I’m sorry you couldn’t keep it. But my point is the condition she’s in right now—it’s ten times worse than that.
ALEX: Maybe the medicine they’re giving her isn’t working.
RONNIE: You heard what Dr. Hewitt said. They’re still testing out different medications. Trying to find the right combination for her. It takes time.
ALEX: But why can’t it be at home?
RONNIE: What do you mean?
ALEX: You said it’s going to take time for them to find the right combination of medicine, so why can’t she just spend that time at home? Can’t she take her medicine there too?
RONNIE: She needs to be someplace where they can keep an eye on her. Where there’s someone to take care of her around the clock.
ALEX: But I can do that. I can keep an eye on her and take care of her around the clock. I’ll drink lots of Steve’s LOX and stay awake and that way I can take care of her.
RONNIE: I’m sorry Alex, but you can’t. It’s not possible.
ALEX: There’s always a chance! And besides, they don’t even have the food that she likes in the cafeteria!
RONNIE: What if she’s still like this in a couple months? Have you thought about that? You have school.
ALEX: I can do homeschool. Benji told me that Brianna Fischer’s parents are going to homeschool her when she finishes eighth—
RONNIE: It’s more complicated than that. And there are some legal—
ALEX: Why do you and Terra keep saying that? I can understand complicated stuff. I figured out how to build a rocket and go to New Mexico, so I can figure out this too. Do you think I can’t understand?
RONNIE: Look, it’s not that I think you can’t—
[tires squealing]
RONNIE: SON OF A—
[horn honking repeatedly]
RONNIE: —USE YOUR SIGNAL!
RONNIE: Some people . . .
ALEX: I wish Dad was still here.
RONNIE: No you don’t.
ALEX: He would’ve made Mom feel better.
RONNIE: You don’t know anything about Dad.
ALEX: I know some stuff. I know he was a civil engineer and he wore—
RONNIE: You don’t know the whole story.
ALEX: That’s because you never tell me the whole story! Why don’t you ever want to talk about our dad? Mom always said he was a good man at heart. She said he loved us very much and—
RONNIE: Mom was trying to protect you. And Mom, she had a blind spot when it came to him.
ALEX: Was it her schizophren—
RONNIE: She couldn’t see him for who he really was.
ALEX: Who was he really?
ALEX: Ronnie?
ALEX: Who was he really? Terra said he threw baseballs really hard. She said his whiskers tickled her chin.
RONNIE: Terra didn’t spend the kind of time with him that Mom and I did. She didn’t see what
I saw. What Terra saw was only the surface. A skin. Deep down he was selfish and abusive.
ALEX: Did he hit Mom with a hockey stick like Benji’s dad hit his mom?
RONNIE: What? No. Benji’s dad— What?
ALEX: That’s why Benji’s parents got divorced.
RONNIE: I didn’t know that.
ALEX: So then our dad—
RONNIE: Dad never hit Mom, at least not that I know of.
RONNIE: He never hit me either, but he came really close once—while Mom was pregnant with you. I ran away from home for three days—well, more like hid in Justin Mendoza’s basement for three days. Justin would sneak food down for me at breakfast and dinner. But then one morning while he was at school, his mom came downstairs to do laundry and found me.
ALEX: But . . . why would you run away?
RONNIE: I don’t remember the exact reason. It was probably something dumb. I just couldn’t stand being in the same house with the two of them sometimes. And man, Dad was furious. They’d reported me missing and every-thing. He started yelling and undoing his belt and Mom was trying to shield me, and he kept telling her to get out of the way. And I was like, Go ahead. Go ahead, hit me, I’ll call the cops. I’ll run away for good. But he ended up just locking me in my room. I was glad too, because it meant that I didn’t have to see his sorry face.
RONNIE: You know, just ’cause he never hit us doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusive in other ways. Mom got the worst of it. Whenever they got into a fight he’d tell her it was her fault, that she wasn’t as thin or pretty as she used to be—
ALEX: But . . .
RONNIE: —she kicked him out a bunch of times but he always managed to talk his way back in. She’d threaten to leave him but he’d apologize, say he’d never do it again. Same stuff you see on TV. You’d think that after seeing that enough times you’d recognize a bad situation but no, it’s the opposite. It only gives you these roles to play out. He was a bully, Alex. Dad was just a huge bully.
ALEX: But . . . they met at Mom’s bank and he asked her out to dinner! They went on top of Mount Sam and had their first kiss and looked at the stars and fell in lov—
RONNIE: They met in a bar.
ALEX: What?
RONNIE: Mom didn’t start working at the bank until much later. And they never went up to Mount Sam together. I remember ’cause she took me up there on the tram once and she told me it was her first time going up there. Mom and Dad met in a bar.
ALEX: That’s not true—
RONNIE: It’s what happened. I’m sorry it wasn’t on Mount Sam, Alex. But it’s what happened.
ALEX: But . . .
RONNIE: See, that’s exactly what I mean. Mom would always try to paint him in this more romantic light. She made up that story because—because she didn’t want to admit to the bad stuff that was happening. I should’ve known she was never serious about leaving him. There’s no way she could have gone through with it, with divorce, and he knew it. He would just take advantage—
RONNIE: Are you crying?
ALEX: I’m . . . not . . .
[sniffling]
RONNIE: Look, bud, I’m really sorry you have to hear it this way . . .
RONNIE: But if you want the truth, Alex, the truth is that Dad wasn’t totally faithful to Mom. He was a cheater. A bully and a cheater. And it started happening long before you were born. There’s nothing you could’ve—
ALEX: I’m glad she didn’t divorce him . . .
RONNIE: You’re glad—
ALEX: Because if she did then I wouldn’t exist.
RONNIE: —
[sniffling]
ALEX: Is that how come we’re related to Terra?
RONNIE: Dad traveled a lot for work. I don’t know if Mom ever told you how much he traveled, but it was a lot. He’d leave all the time to go visit building sites. He probably just met Terra’s mom on one of his trips to Vegas and . . .
ALEX: And what?
RONNIE: Got her pregnant. And we figured out why his name came up in the marriage index, Terra and I. Her mom said they did get married but it got annulled right away.
ALEX: What does annulled—
RONNIE: It got canceled. Because he was already married to Mom. I have no clue what could’ve been going through his head when—
ALEX: Does that mean we could have more half sisters and half brothers?
RONNIE: More . . . Man, I don’t even want to think about that right now . . .
RONNIE: It’s just—I remember how he was with everyone. They all loved him. At parties he’d be the one with the biggest circle of people around him. From the outside he was the perfect husband, the perfect father, and I was so mad at him for that. It was like, these people don’t know. They have no clue what he’s really like.
RONNIE: I remember once, he took me to Safeway—this was when Lolo and Lola were flying in from the Philippines. Mom ran out of milk or pineapples or something, and he took me to get more. I was probably around your age then—ten, eleven. Maybe a little younger. I went to the cereal aisle to grab my Wheaties and when I came back to the cart he was talking to some girl. She was really young, maybe in college. She had streaked blond hair and she was laughing at everything he said. And I remember—I remember seeing the way Dad was talking to this girl and knowing deep down that something wasn’t right. He was using the same voice he’d use with Mom sometimes, on the good days. When things were OK. The girl saw me and tried to say hello but I didn’t know how to respond. She reeked of some kind of strawberry perfume—to this day I can’t stand that smell. And then she laughed and wrote down her number and Dad put it in his wallet, and after she walked away Dad just had this dumb grin on his face. He was like, Look at that, we made a new friend. He said we should keep our new friend our little secret, and then on the way home he bought me ice cream.
[turn signal clicking]
[tires on gravel]
ALEX: Why are we stopping?
RONNIE: I need to stop.
[engine shutting off]
[cars passing]
RONNIE: You wanna know the worst part?
RONNIE: Mom was in such a good mood that night with Lolo and Lola here. During dinner everyone was talking and laughing. Having a great time. It was probably one of the happiest family dinners we’d ever had, and then, in the middle of all that—I remember—Dad looked over at me, and he WINKED at me.
RONNIE: He only cared about himself, Alex. I knew it even then too. Maybe not consciously, but I knew it. And I just wanted to—I don’t know, do SOMETHING. Call him out on it.
RONNIE: I don’t believe it . . .
ALEX: What is it?
RONNIE: I’ve never told anyone about that.
ALEX: Not even Lauren?
RONNIE: Not even Lauren.
ALEX: But she’s your girlfriend, you’re supposed to tell her everything.
RONNIE: I don’t need to expose her to that.
ALEX: Is that why you never bring her home for Thanksgiving or Christmas?
RONNIE: No, it’s—
ALEX: Or do you not want to expose her to me either.
RONNIE: Hey, listen. Of course I want her to meet you. I tell her about you all the time.
ALEX: You do?
RONNIE: You bet I do. I tell her about how smart and imaginative you are. How interested you are in science and astronomy. How you can already cook for yourself and Mom.
RONNIE: You’ll meet her someday.
RONNIE: It’s just—I hate him so much sometimes. For what he did to Mom, how he made her feel. And he made me hate her for not leaving him after all the stuff he pulled. I was like, How can you let him keep doing this! How can you stay with him!
RONNIE: I wished he were dead. I wished for it when I blew out my birthday candles. I thought if he were dead, then we could finally move on. Once he was
gone for good, we’d be free. We could live normal lives.
RONNIE: But then when I picked up the phone and it was his foreman, saying there’d been an accident . . .
RONNIE: I didn’t see it coming, that feeling. I felt the same chill when Terra called me and told me you were in the hospital. Thing is—I actually felt sorry for him. I couldn’t believe I felt that way. It scared me that after all that, I still . . .
ALEX: You still loved him.
RONNIE: I still loved him . . .
RONNIE: You know, I had to break the news to Mom, and Mom—Mom wasn’t good. She wasn’t as bad as right now but she wasn’t good. She kept saying how she needed him to protect her, to protect her from the bad people. She was hysterical, I thought she was just really shaken. I had no idea that it might’ve been . . .
ALEX: That it might’ve been schizophrenia?
RONNIE: That it might’ve been schizophrenia.
RONNIE: She got better, over time, but she wasn’t really the same after that. She kept the box with his ashes in her room. I told her to put it away, and take down his pictures because they were only torturing her, but she always said no. We’d get into fights over it. It’s like she didn’t want to get better.
RONNIE: Then one night she fell asleep in your bed—she came to read you a story and fell asleep next to you, and I was lying awake and the impulse, it just hit me. I went in her room and grabbed the box with his ashes. I took it under my arm—it was surprising how heavy it was—and I got my bike and didn’t even think about where I was going. I just knew I had to get that box out of the house. I rode down the hill and kept riding and I came to a construction site. There’s that subdivision there now—the one off Mill Road—but back then it was just a plot of dirt. And I went into the middle of the dirt and dumped all his ashes on the ground and I kicked them and kicked them and made them all disappear.