by Jack Cheng
The social worker said her name is Juanita. She was holding a black leather folder in one hand and Ronnie shook her other hand and told her to please come in, don’t mind all the commotion outside. Juanita came up to me and held out her hand and she said, Hi, you must be Alex, and I looked at Ronnie and he nodded so I shook Juanita’s hand and I said it’s nice to meet her. Ronnie asked her, Can we get you something to drink, some coffee or water? and she said she just had her morning coffee so water would be great, and I said, I’ll pour it! and then I covered my mouth because I forgot to wait for Ronnie’s signal.
I went to the coffee table and lifted the water pitcher and it was SO heavy, and Juanita shook hands with Terra and Terra said she’s my half sister and I wanted to hug her, except I was holding the pitcher and I didn’t want to spill the water.
Juanita sat down in the Lay-Z-Boy but she didn’t recline it, and Ronnie and Terra sat down on the sofa and there was a space in between for me, and it was just like we practiced, everything was going according to plan. I gave Juanita the glass and her fingers were wrinkly and her nails had cracked red nail polish, and she said, Thank you, you have a lovely home, and I didn’t tell her we cleaned it yesterday.
Juanita took a sip of her water, and Ronnie said that as she can see, I have a safe and stable environment here, and then he started telling her what we practiced, about how my accident and our mom going missing was just a bad coincidence, it was just unfortunate timing, and he’s here now and he’s going to keep me from getting into any more trouble and it doesn’t make sense to remove me from his care. But before he could finish saying everything Juanita put up her hand that wasn’t holding the water and she said, Don’t worry, I’m not here to break up your family.
I thought, Whew, that’s a relief! and I looked at Ronnie, and him and Terra looked at each other and I could tell they were thinking the same thing. But I could tell they were thinking something else too. And then Ronnie looked at Juanita again and he said, That’s great, I guess there’s not much else to discuss?
Juanita put down her water and she opened her leather folder, and inside the folder was her iPad. She opened some stuff on the iPad and she said she’s glad we’re all finally meeting in person, and then she started telling us all the things she knows about us. She said she knows that my mom lost her job a few years ago and lost her driver’s license too. She said she knows that Ronnie moved to LA after college to be a sports agent and that he was in Detroit recently for work, and that I went to a rocket festival in New Mexico by myself and I have a dog named Carl Sagan after my all-time hero. She said sometimes I go on the roof of my house to see where my mom goes on her walks, and that’s what I was doing when I had my accident and Terra took me to the hospital. Ronnie asked her how does she know all that and she said she’s been talking to my teachers and counselor and our neighbors, and my mom’s doctors and my doctors and she found Ronnie’s profile on his company’s website and talked to someone from his work too, and this morning she came across a news article about Lander Civet and a Golden iPod.
And then Ronnie wasn’t saying what we practiced anymore. He was telling her the stuff we talked about a couple of days ago, about how I’m going to go live with him in LA for now and then we’re going to move our mom there too and sell the house, and if we need to we’ll find her a behavioral health hospital there and he’ll become my legal guardian and a lot of other stuff that we didn’t even talk about! Ronnie said he’s here now, isn’t he? Isn’t that what matters? and I looked at Terra and she looked at me, and Juanita said, Yes, that matters, and again, I’m not here to break apart your family.
Juanita said it’s good that Ronnie’s thinking about the future, that’s what she’s here to help us do, she’s on our side, but it makes things harder if we leave the state. She asked Ronnie do we have relatives or close family friends in Colorado that I can stay with, and Ronnie said we don’t, and Terra said what’s the difference between me staying with relatives in Colorado and me staying with Ronnie in LA, because either way I’m in a different home. And Juanita told us to think about what our mom might want once she’s better, once she’s out of the hospital.
And Ronnie looked down at the pitcher of water, and I thought that our mom would probably want to go someplace familiar, someplace where she already knows the channel numbers for her favorite shows and where everything is in the cupboards. Someplace she can go for walks but where there’s someone to make sure she doesn’t walk too far. And someplace where I am and Ronnie is, and where there are pictures of all of us and my dad on the wall in her room. She’d probably want to come home, just like I wanted to come home.
Juanita asked Ronnie is there some way he can keep doing his job from here in Colorado, and Ronnie still didn’t say anything, he picked up his phone from the table but not because he got a call or text or anything, just to hold it in his hand. And then Juanita was saying a lot of other stuff but I wasn’t paying attention because I was watching Ronnie, and Ronnie kept staring at the water pitcher, and his hand that was holding the phone was turning white.
Then it got really quiet all of a sudden. And I noticed that Juanita had stopped talking, and she was looking at the potted plant in the corner of the room, and Terra was looking at Ronnie, and Ronnie was looking at the water pitcher, and it was almost like we were in space, we were in a vacuum and everything was silent and floating. And the sun was coming through the windows of our living room and there were little pieces of dust floating in the sunbeams, and I thought, isn’t it interesting that a couple of weeks ago Ronnie was in LA and I didn’t even know I had a Terra, and now the three of us are sitting together on the same sofa for the first time, and we all have the same dad and we’re all here because of my dad, he brought us all together, even after he died . . . and I looked at Terra and I looked at Ronnie and I saw the same green eyes, and it felt like our dad was there in the room with us too, not like a ghost or anything, not watching us, but everywhere. He was in Ronnie and Terra’s eyes and he was in their faces and their skin and hair, and he was in my face and my skin and hair and these are like his shadows, they’re how we know he existed, that he was real, and he used to walk around on the carpet in the living room and drink from the same water glasses and those are shadows also, and his back- and butt-prints were still in the Lay-Z-Boy where Juanita was sitting, that’s a shadow too! And if I’m still seeing them, still seeing his shadows, still learning things from Terra and Ronnie and the internet about him that I didn’t know before, then, doesn’t that mean that even though he died there’s something about him that keeps living? That there’s something four-dimensional, a tesseract, that never dies and we can never really see, and what if . . . what if these things I’ve been trying to figure out, like the meaning of love and bravery and truth, what if the reason they’re so hard to see is because they’re ALSO tesseracts. What if they’re the SAME tesseract? What if the times when we feel love and act brave and tell the truth are all the times we’re four-dimensional, the times we’re as big and everywhere as the cosmos, the times when we remember, like, REALLY remember, really KNOW, that we’re made of starstuff and we’re human beings from the planet Earth, human beings with dads that died when we were three and older brothers who live in LA, and moms who have schizophrenia and Terras we didn’t know about and heroes who wear turtlenecks and friends with Zen cones and side adventures and sensitive digestive systems and . . . And! These words we try to use to describe it, to describe that feeling, these words like love and bravery and truth, the reason they can’t describe it all the way, and the reason that sounds or music or pictures can’t describe it all the way either, is because THEY’RE all shadows too! WORDS ARE SHADOWS TOO!
And I guess I said that last part out loud because everyone turned their heads to look at me, and I was standing up, I think because I was thinking about floating. And since I was already up, I started pouring water for Ronnie even though he told me to sit still. I was pouring the
water and it was splashing on the sides of the glass and a few drops spilled on the coffee table but I kept pouring, and I could feel everyone watching me but I didn’t want to take my eyes off the pitcher because I didn’t want to spill any more, and it got easier to pour as the water went from the pitcher to the glass and made the pitcher lighter and then I put down the pitcher and I gave the glass to Ronnie. I knew he wasn’t thirsty but I knew he needed the water.
Ronnie looked at me and then he looked at the glass, and then he put down his phone and took the glass from me. And I almost forgot how quiet it was until Juanita started talking again.
Juanita said that I’m really fortunate. She said that even with everything that’s happened I’m out of danger now, and I’m interested in school and I’ve learned to take care of myself, that’s a really good sign, that’s really lucky, I must have really good role models in my life. Then she closed her iPad folder and folded her hands over it, and she started saying that a lot of kids she sees aren’t that lucky, how just yesterday there was . . . and then Juanita stopped talking and I noticed the rings around her eyes, they were just like my mom’s eyes, and I wanted to ask what happened yesterday but it didn’t feel like the right thing to ask.
And then we all heard crying sounds coming from the bedroom. And Juanita asked, Is that him? and I looked at Ronnie and he nodded, and I asked her does she want to meet Carl Sagan and she said yes, she loves dogs. So I opened my bedroom door and he ran out and sniffed Juanita’s hand, and his tail was curled but he let her pet him a little before he ran back behind my legs. I said, I know Carl Sagan’s a scaredy cat right now but if I train him to be a guard dog, then can he be my legal guardian? Everyone laughed and Juanita said, Unfortunately not, and I told her I know, I was just making a joke.
Juanita said she has to go to another appointment but let’s meet again next week, and she gave Ronnie her card and she gave me her card too, and she said thank you for the water and wished me good luck with my Golden iPod.
The Channel 5 Mobile Action News Team van wasn’t outside anymore by the time Juanita left. Ronnie closed the front door and the four of us stood by it, and we were all quiet for a while. And then Terra said we don’t have to do what Juanita told us, we could stall for time and I could still go with Ronnie to LA, and maybe it’ll turn out that my mom gets better more quickly and can come back to the house to take care of me, that way he won’t miss work.
Then Ronnie looked at me and he said No, Juanita’s right, even if our mom comes out of the hospital it’d still be better if he was around. And I said, Are you saying what I think you’re saying? and Ronnie nodded, and then Terra said but what about his job? and Ronnie said he’ll try to work it out with his agency, maybe he can do something from Colorado that doesn’t involve as much traveling, or if not he’ll find a different job.
And we all stood there for a while and looked at each other, and then Terra’s nose started twitching and Ronnie scrunched up his face, and then I smelled it too and we all looked at Carl Sagan and I said, OH JUST GREAT, and I went to get the Febreeze.
NEW RECORDING 50
3M 7S
Hi guys. Sorry I haven’t recorded anything in a while. I’ve been SO busy. I got my staples and stitches out at the hospital and it’s still pink around my scars and there’s still little dots where the staples were, but Dr. Clemens said I’m healing nicely. There are no signs of permanent damage. I said, Does that mean I get a clean bill of health? and she said it does, and then I took out my wallet and waited for her to give me one but she never did.
I was also busy because there were more articles that came out about my Golden iPod, and Lander tweeted about it too and now the donation page is at 281 percent! And it’s still going. Benji e-mailed me and told me he saw Lander’s tweets on CNN and he thought it was so cool, and I got e-mails from some other kids at school also and I had no idea they were interested in space or rockets or anything, which is good news, maybe now I can get them to join the Rockview Planetary Society. I posted on Rocketforum to thank everyone for donating and I uploaded some pictures of how my scars are healing too, and Ken Russell said that’s going to be a great story when I’m older. I said it’s a pretty great story right now.
A lot of people on Rocketforum were asking me what am I going to do with the outstanding money. I told Ronnie we should use it for our mom’s hospital bills, and Steve said we should take advantage of all this attention we’re getting and do a bunch of interviews and that way we’ll raise even more money. But Ronnie said no, no interviews, he doesn’t want any more of our family’s private matters out in public. He said also let him worry about our mom’s bills, any extra money we raise is going into a fund to pay for my college.
Tonight we all went to Johnny Rockets for dinner finally to celebrate, just like Ronnie promised. The closest one to us is forty minutes away, and I got a cheeseburger and fries and apple pie à la mode and it was so good. Afterwards we waited for a call from my mom and then she called. She’s allowed to talk on the phone now but only for ten minutes a day, and she talked with Ronnie for four minutes and then she talked with me for six minutes. I asked her, How are you feeling and do you still think I’m an alien? and she said that she’s feeling better than before and she knows I’m her Alex. I told her about the Golden iPod and how Lander Civet invited us to the Mars launch and his assistant is e-mailing us the tickets, and I asked my mom can she come? And she said she’s so proud of me but she can’t leave right now. I asked her, When can we come visit again because I still have to bring you some things for your room, and she said she needs some more time because she wants to be good for me. I told her, I love you even when you’re not good, and she said she loves me too. She said they have the NASA channel at the behavioral health hospital and one of the techs is going to put it on for the Mars launch so that way she can watch it, and then she had to go because her ten minutes were over.
NEW RECORDING 51
2M 43S
I’m on a plane! I’ve been on a bike and a skateboard and a scooter and in a car and canoe and on a train, and now I’ve been on an airplane, so I just need to ride a helicopter and a motorcycle and a unicycle and a hot-air balloon and a Segway and Jet Ski and dune buggy and of course a space capsule and space rover, and then I would’ve tried every form of human transpor—oh! Snowmobiles too. I forgot about snowmobiles.
Terra let me have her seat by the window even though my ticket was for the seat in the middle. I asked Terra, Why aren’t the seats lined up with the windows? and she said she has no idea. I was looking out the window when our plane took off and the cars got really small until they looked like ants and then like grains of sand, and then I couldn’t even see them and that’s when I knew we were definitely in the stratosphere—the part of the atmosphere, not the building in Las Vegas.
Steve and Zed couldn’t come with us because Lander’s assistant only got plane tickets and a hotel for me and Ronnie and Terra and Carl Sagan, except he doesn’t need a plane ticket because he’s a dog. When we were saying good-bye, Zed gave me a thick stack of printouts and I said, What’s this? and he said it’s the first part of the new book he’s writing—that’s what he’s been working on this whole time. He said he’s dedicating the book to me and he wants me to read it and let him know what I think. The book is called Journey to the Unseen Star: Rediscovering Childhood in an Accelerating Age. I told him it’s a good title but he can probably come up with something shorter.
Steve gave me a really big hug before they left, a good hug, not like the hugs before where he only used his arms. I asked him, Are you still sad about Terra? and he said sometimes he is but he’ll be OK. He said he’s going to read Zed’s book too and he really wants to talk about it with me when he’s done. He said we could keep the cans of LOX he put in our fridge also, and then he gave me one of the cellphones he got from doing his personal business. I said, Aren’t you going to sell this on eBay? and Steve said he wants me t
o have it, he even put in a prepay card so that way we can stay in touch, and maybe we can all hang out if I’m ever in LA.
I tried reading Zed’s book after our plane took off but I couldn’t concentrate. I was too excited. I looked out the window again and we were even higher, and I couldn’t tell where the roads and buildings were anymore and it was just like my hero said, that from a certain height you can’t even tell there’s intelligent life on our own planet.
So if you guys come to Earth, make sure you look closely enough.
NEW RECORDING 52
6M 9S
Hi guys, this is the last recording I’m making on the Golden iPod. But don’t worry! I can take pictures and record video on the phone Steve gave me so I’m going to start doing that instead. It’s perfect because the phone’s already gold.
After our plane landed in Florida we got our rental car and dropped off our bags at the hotel, and then we drove to Cape Canaveral. When we got there CivSpaceScott was there to meet us, and he had on his gray CivSpace polo shirt just like at SHARF. Scott took us to the launch site and we saw the Cloud 9 rocket with the Mars satellite up close through a chain link fence and it was SO cool. He took us to NASA’s command center too, except it didn’t have big glass windows like in Contact, it just had a huge screen with a live stream of the launch site and a bunch of charts and graphs. Nathan would probably love that screen because he could write so much tiny computer code on it.