Nobody moved. Ellie hadn’t realized that she wasn’t breathing.
“I’m pregnant.”
Tricia gasped. She had been standing behind Ellie, silently watching the conversation.
“What?” John asked, not believing his ears.
“I’m pregnant,” Ellie repeated. “So what does that mean?”
She looked at John who had turned white, and then she turned and gave Dylan a small smile.
Chapter Fifteen
Helpless
THE NICU REMINDED BRYNN of a church, quiet and reverent, where healing was happening slowly and silently. She couldn’t wait to have Sophie out of the NICU and onto the regular floor so that she could eventually take her home. Brynn hated being in the NICU. She just wanted to have Sophie to herself in their nursery at home, caring for her there.
“Sophie, its Mommy. I’m here,” Brynn said quietly, her hand grasping the tiny hand in the incubator. “I’m here, baby girl.”
Brynn looked at Sophie’s tiny body covered with tubes and tape, trying to stifle a sob. She had never felt so helpless in all of her life. Even when Thomas was beating her, Brynn knew in her mind that she could escape. She knew that her adopted father would eventually stop, and that she could hide in her room and escape when she would cut herself. But this—this was torturous and with no apparent end in sight.
“Oh, baby girl, I’m so sorry that this had to happen to you,” Brynn choked back a sob. She didn’t want her tiny baby to hear her cry. She stepped out often to cry in the hallway or in the bathroom, but she refused to let her baby girl hear the sound of her crying. If there is a small possibility that she can feel my sadness, I won’t allow her to. I will be strong for her.
Brynn marveled at how small her daughter was, her tiny chest moving up and down with the ventilator. Her hair was dark like Brynn’s, but the tape obstructed Sophie’s face, and Brynn couldn’t clearly see the rest of her features. Does she look like Adam, or does she look like me?
“Baby Sophie. You have to wake up. You have to be strong. I know that you’ve been through a lot, but you can make it. You can do this. I know that you can.” Brynn felt her voice wavering. No, no, no. I have to sound strong. She has to know that I believe in her.
Brynn sent Adam home to sleep. He had been up for three days straight, and he needed to sleep. Brynn knew that he couldn’t continue on this way. He fought her, but she won. He was too exhausted and he knew that he needed to sleep.
Sophie was silent. She lay motionless in her plastic enclosure, her tiny chest moving up and down with the ventilator that was taped gently to her mouth. Brynn felt the familiar heaviness on her own chest. The heaviness she felt when Adam left her, when she was completely alone. She tried so hard to forget it, but the familiarity of that feeling now terrified her.
I can’t lose you, Sophie. I can’t! You have to pull through this. You have to be able to breathe on your own. You have to!
Brynn knew that Sophie couldn’t hear her well, but the nurses told her to talk to Sophie as much as she could. They said that Brynn’s voice could soothe her. She sat and watched Sophie for hours, marveling at her smallness, at how vulnerable she was.
Jane called on her way to the airport. She and her new husband had delayed their honeymoon until she knew that Brynn was safe and out of the woods. “I’ll stay with you until Sophie is in the clear,” Jane said to her friend. She had always been there when Brynn needed her the most.
“No Jane! No. You deserve your happiness!” Brynn was grateful for Jane. Jane had always been there when she needed her the most, but she couldn’t let her put off her honeymoon. Jane left the restaurant prepared for her absence, putting Lucia in charge. Lucia was an Assistant Manager now, making money while she went to school. Both Brynn and Jane were confident having her in charge.
“Are you okay honey?” Jane asked her voice full of concern. She knew what happened to Brynn when Adam left. She couldn’t imagine how she may react if Sophie didn’t survive.
Brynn was silent. She couldn’t talk. Expressing her sadness was still so difficult for her. The words always wanted to come out, but stopped right before they could come out.
“I… I… don’t know. I don’t know,” was all that Brynn could muster. I want to tell her that I’m dying inside. I want to tell her that my heart is breaking with every breath. I want to tell her that I don’t know how I will go on if Sophie dies.
Silent tears burned hot down Brynn’s face as she sat silently on the phone.
“Don’t shut down on me, Brynn. I’m here if you need to talk. I’m here for everything. I’ll only be gone for a week, and then I will be back, and you can call me anytime you want. Oh shit, I shouldn’t even go. Brynn…” Jane was battling with herself. She didn’t want to leave her friend. They had been through so much together.
“I’ll be okay. Please go. I couldn’t live with myself if you didn’t enjoy your honeymoon. I don’t think that Andrew would ever forgive me if you put your honeymoon off.” Brynn tried to smile as she spoke because she knew that she would sound stronger to her friend that way. “I have to go now, but I need you to go on your honeymoon. I need you to have the happiness you deserve.”
Jane was quiet. She knew that Andrew would understand, but she couldn’t ask him to put their honeymoon off. It was the only time he was going to have off for the remainder of the year, and with their hectic lives, she doubted they could reschedule it.
“I’ll go, but if something happens you have to call me, and I will be on the first flight back!”
“I will. You are my best friend, and I love you. I’ll call you if I need you.” Brynn was just getting comfortable telling Jane how much she cared about her. She had only ever told three people in her life that she loved them, with Jane being the fourth.
Brynn turned her attention back to Sophie. The nurses bustled in and out, checking monitors, hanging bags of fluid. Brynn hardly noticed them.
She stared at Sophie and willed her to move, to breathe, and to do something that would let Brynn know that she was going to survive. She pictured Sophie bigger, older, with Adam’s blue eyes, and her own brown hair. She pictured Sophie’s small sweet cheeks, and she imagined kissing them, and snuggling her face. She envisioned herself holding her, and singing to her, and doing all of the things that Brynn’s own mother had never done for her—or at least imagined that she had never done for her.
After all, how could she have done all of those things to me and then let me go? Brynn’s thoughts went to Ellie. She hadn’t seen her since she arrived at the front door of Brynn and Adam’s house. Adam said that he hadn’t seen her since the waiting room, and Brynn wondered briefly where she had gone. What does she want? Why is she even here?
Brynn couldn’t help but feel anger when she thought about Ellie. She was curious and excited, but the anger won out. She couldn’t imagine what Ellie would want with her.
Brynn looked at Sophie and felt a strange sensation of fullness in her heart that she had never known before. “I will never leave you, baby. I will never let anyone hurt you. I will always protect you.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, and then Brynn realized that Sophie’s color had changed. Oh my God, she’s turning blue. Brynn screamed for help, desperately punching the nurses red call button. Suddenly, two nurses flew into the room, and before Brynn knew it, one of them had her on her feet as they pushed her to the door.
“What’s going on?” Brynn demanded, startled. The nurse looked at Brynn, trying to suppress her own panic.
“You’re baby isn’t breathing,” the nurse said, grabbing Brynn’s arm and pulling her to the side as three other people entered the room. They pulled the curtain and Brynn couldn’t see. She could hear the flurry of activity, and felt her heart pounding loudly in her ears. There was bile coming up in her throat, and suddenly she felt faint.
“I have to call Adam! Someone has to call Adam!” Brynn cried desperately.
“We called him, honey. He’s alr
eady on the way.” The nurse’s knew to call him immediately if anything happened.
The nurse led Brynn to a well-lit, comfortable looking lounge where Brynn waited. Moments passed slowly, and every minute felt like an hour. She felt like she was dying inside, waiting to hear something as she paced the lounge like a caged animal.
Brynn was anxious for Adam to get there. She couldn’t stand to be alone, not knowing what was going on with her baby. Brynn heard the sound of footsteps running down the hall and saw Adam race into the lounge. He frantically searched the room until he met her gaze, and he rushed toward her, engulfing her in a hug. Only in his arms did she feel safe, as though he could take away all the pain of the world and protect her in his embrace.
“Adam, S-S-S-Sophie…” Brynn couldn’t speak. She had only known her tiny daughter for a day, but already she was so in love with her that she could barely breathe with the thought of losing her.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.” Adam held her close, smoothing her hair and kissing her over and over. Brynn could tell that he had been crying, his beautiful blue eyes rimmed in red, bloodshot from lack of sleep.
They sat in silence, holding onto one another tightly. Minutes turned into an hour, and they sat waiting, their hearts fragile and worn.
They looked up expectantly when Dr. Nguyen walked into the lounge, her expression sober.
“How is Sophie?” Brynn and Adam said in unison, standing together quickly.
“Please sit,” Dr. Nguyen said, motioning them to sit back down. “I’m afraid that the news isn’t good.”
Brynn listened half-heartedly, and could tell that Adam was absorbing everything. She only heard “…the news isn’t good.”
Brynn watched Dr. Nguyen hand Adam something to sign, and he scribbled his name without even looking at the paper. Adam’s eyes filled with tears, and she could feel the tears filling up her own, even though she hadn’t heard a word the doctor had said. She could tell from Adam’s face that whatever she was saying was terrible, and Brynn could hear Thomas’ awful dream voice in her head saying over and over, “I’m killing your baby like you killed me.”
Brynn stared at Dr. Nguyen, but didn’t say a word. It was clear that Brynn wasn’t listening, as the doctor looked at Adam anxiously. Brynn heard Adam talking and saw Dr. Nguyen nodding and attempting a sad smile. Dr. Nguyen squeezed Brynn’s arm and walked out of the room.
Adam looked at Brynn and sat her down on the couch.
“Brynn, are you listening?” Adam said gently, but firmly. “I need you to listen to what I am going to tell you.”
Brynn felt like a small child. She nodded, unable to speak.
“Brynn.”
Brynn nodded.
“Sophie suffered a stroke and almost died. She’s not doing well. Brynn… we have to say good-bye to Sophie. We have to let her go.”
Brynn looked at Adam blankly, tears streaming down her face.
“We have to say good-bye to our baby.”
Chapter Sixteen
Mother of the Year
ELLIE WALKED UP THE STEPS of the big house she had lived in with her parents. She hadn’t been there in over ten years, and everything looked old, worn, cracked. Nothing like it had looked when they all lived in it. She tried to remember what her parents looked like, what they sounded like. It had been so long since she thought of them.
Ellie sniffed. The house smelled. But looking at it made her feel… sad. And now here she was with Dylan and her infant son. She wanted to make it work with Dylan. The infatuation had worn away, but she still really liked him, and he took care of the baby.
Dylan had stood by her, taking care of her, even when she gave birth, even knowing their son might not be his but may have belonged to Jonas. And even now that they knew that the child was… different. Dylan said he would always be there for Ellie, and as they walked into the big house, Ellie tried to believe that he would.
John Palmer had come through and taken care of everything. He had been able to get her back into house, and to get her the money that was rightfully hers. He had done everything she had asked him to do. He and Tricia had even let them live in their home even though that stupid cow hates me, Ellie thought bitterly.
Stupid Mother of the Year, Little Miss know-it-all, Fake bitch. Ellie hated Tricia and tried not to let it show too much, but Ellie was never good at being fake. She loathed how domesticated and subservient Tricia was to her husband. She disgusts me.
John had taken care of it all, which Ellie found extremely appealing. She knew now why Daddy had made him his successor. Ellie owed everything to John, and made it a point to tell him so every chance she got. She even offered to show him how grateful he was, but after that, he made it a point to avoid her like the plague. Ellie pouted, but then got over it. After all, Dylan may not be all that bright, but he was pretty.
Ellie thought that her baby boy was going to be her redemption. “Noah will make everything right—for me, for this family.”
But when he wasn’t developing the way he should, the tests showed that there was something wrong with his brain.
“This can’t be!” Ellie raged at Dylan. “You gave me a retarded son!”
“Hey, I don’t even know if he’s mine.” Dylan said defensively. Dylan didn’t know the first thing about kids, but for some reason, this baby tugged at him.
“Maybe it was all of the drugs that you did when you were pregnant,” Dylan said angrily. Dylan had fallen hard for Ellie, and he knew that he could make it work with her if she would just let him. If only she would stop pushing at him.
He thought how lucky he was to find her, and the fact that she had all of the money now was just an added bonus.
But the kid was special. Not just mentally special, but special in a way that Dylan didn’t understand.
“I didn’t grow up with a dad, so I’m not gonna leave this kid ever,” Dylan said to Ellie. He didn’t understand why Ellie was acting so indifferently to her son. Dylan was thankful for the nannies that Ellie had hired, because when the baby cried, the nannies took care of him. They were even teaching Dylan how to bathe, change, feed, and take care of him. And as Noah got older, they taught Dylan how to adjust to his changing needs.
Ellie was happy to settle into the house, replacing all of the old furniture with new. She had the house repainted and cleaned from top to bottom. She even had her old room made into a suite for Dylan and the baby. “Sometimes I just need to be alone, so we are going to have separate rooms,” she explained to him. Dylan didn’t care, as long as he got to be near her, and close to Noah.
The nannies adored Dylan. They thought he was such a good daddy, and couldn’t understand what he saw in Ellie. Nanny Lisa was tiny, blonde, and pretty. She enjoyed teaching Dylan about his baby. She loved Noah from the moment she set her eyes on him, and knew that he would need special attention. Nanny Lisa was glad that Dylan was so committed to his son, and thought about both of them long after she went home for the evening.
John Palmer stopped by every so often to check on them, but Ellie was over him almost as quickly as she became infatuated with him. She only cared that the money kept coming in. John told her that as long as Noah was with her, she would continue to be taken care of. She knew that it didn’t matter if she loved her son, it only mattered that they lived under the same roof. When she saw how much Dylan truly loved him, she knew that she could be free to live as she wanted, keeping Dylan captive under her own roof.
Noah had beautiful green eyes, but his features were growing to be slightly asymmetrical. Ellie was embarrassed when she took him out in public and people stared. She tried to hide him in hats, but people still stared. He made weird noises and didn’t respond when she talked to him. He only seemed to respond to Dylan and after a while, Ellie stopped taking him out altogether. “You can take him out from now on,” Ellie said to Dylan angrily. “It’s embarrassing. Everyone stares, he drools and it’s disgusting. I hate it.”
Dylan didn’t understand Ell
ie, but he never said anything. But when Noah was three, he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Ellie, he’s your son! He’s beautiful!” Dylan said exasperated. “How can you be such a bitch about your own child?”
Ellie narrowed her dark eyes and glared at him. “I can say whatever I want about him, because he is my son. And you live in my house, so you have no right to judge me.”
“What if I didn’t live in your house any longer?” Dylan said angrily. He had been thinking about leaving for quite some time. He didn’t love Ellie, and she never even let him touch her anymore. He couldn’t stand watching how Noah tried to communicate with Ellie, and how Ellie shunned him time after time. He had special needs, but Ellie didn’t want to take care of even one of them.
Ellie froze. “What do you mean, Dylan? Do you want to move out?”
Dylan was silent. “I dunno. But I don’t want to be with you any longer. I’m not happy.”
Ellie smiled. “Fine, then go. But Noah doesn’t go with you. Noah stays with me. And you’ll never see him again.” She watched him flinch. She knew how much he loved Noah.
“You can’t do that! I love him!” Dylan knew he shouldn’t be surprised by anything she did, but he didn’t think she would use Noah to trap him.
“I can, and I will,” Ellie said looking deep into his eyes. She tried to remember what she found so appealing about him in the first place. She missed Jonas as she often did, and she wished that she had thought things through more clearly.
Dylan was such a disappointment.
“I’ll stay,” Dylan said, defeated, looking at the floor. In the old days he would have cut and run. He was always the one in control, and now Ellie clearly had all the power. Ellie was the one who called the shots, and they both knew it. Dylan hated himself for giving in so quickly.
“Good,” Ellie said patting him on the chest. She felt his muscles through his shirt, and she found herself remembering what she liked so much about him. She pulled him close and breathed him in like she used to. She closed her eyes and thought about how he tried to take care of her, and how she tried to let him. She paused with her hands splayed out on his chest and felt him catch his breath.
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