‘I didn’t see the visitor, Aunt.’
Nary released her lips and reached for the dough but it wouldn’t flatten. She pressed her shaking palms against the bench top.
Mai announced that the beef was good and that she’d marinated it in fermented fish for a salad.
‘Then you’ve done everything you can do, child,’ said Nary, who was staring out at the rivers and the moving lights of pleasure boats.
‘What should we do now?’ Mai waited for a reply. ‘I mean, what should we do now, do you think –?’
‘Shh,’ said Nary. She tilted her head and listened. The knock came again. ‘It’s the visitor.’
‘Should I ask him about the gold?’
‘I’ll go.’ Nary stayed where she was.
‘I could tell him to come back in a week … because we’ve got malaria,’ Mai suggested. There was no answer from her aunt so she went to the door and opened it a crack. ‘Hello?’ she called. The landing was empty, the dark concrete stairwell fading into black. She flung open the door to show Nary. ‘It’s rats in the wall,’ she advised, then closed and locked it again. Nary went back to staring at the water. The phone began to ring and Mai brought it to her.
‘Are you going to answer it, Aunt?’
Nary stared at it. ‘Go to the kitchen and make some coffee, child,’ she said finally, then, ‘Hello? Oh it’s you. It’s just Mrs Keng!’ she called to Mai. ‘I thought you might be the visitor …’ She followed Mai into the kitchen with the phone. ‘It’s my opinion that he won’t come back even when the water does … Because he would have come by now if he was going to. Don’t worry about it Mrs Keng, Mai and I have it … We’ve got it all under control … Okay, bye bye bye.’
‘Maybe she heard about the gold,’ said Mai.
‘How would she hear? Did you tell her?’ Nary glared at Mai, who shook her head so violently that her hair fell around her face. ‘Well then she doesn’t know anything. She’s just bored up there in Battambong and needs the gossip.’ Nary gave the cracked wall a few experimental taps with her fist.
‘Aunt, what if the phone rings while you’re in your new chair?’
Nary grinned toothily and squatted again.
‘If the phone rings you just go like this.’ She pushed her fist forward. ‘And your legs come down. Easy.’ She eased herself to standing. ‘It’s not like being in a bed. It’s better. That’s what I’d do with the gold.’
‘I’d go to Australia. On a holiday.’
‘Ho! “Australia on a holiday.”’ Nary held her stomach and laughed. ‘Where are you going to get a passport from, child?’
‘I’m going to get one with the gold.’
Nary snorted. ‘Pour the coffee. There’s no one who’s going to give you a passport, even for all the gold in all the walls of Phnom Penh.’
Mai looked down at her feet and gave the crooked one an experimental stretch. It bounced back again, like a diverted river finding its course.
Nary watched her and picked at a crack in the paintwork. A chip came away in her hand. ‘If that visitor does come and if there is gold in these walls we’ll talk to a friend of mine at the market about a passport,’ she told Mai.
‘Couldn’t we ask Mr and Mrs Keng for help?’
Nary peered at the chip of paint. ‘The Kengs? Oh, no. They’re so busy. Best … best not bother them about this, child.’
Out in the night the water coming into the country met the greater force of the water going out.
A POCKET GUIDE TO PHNOM PENH
‘Hi, welcome back …’
CARA AND BEVERLY, NICKNAME BEV.
‘… Cara and Bev. How was your trip to …’
PLACID PHNOM PENH.
‘Placid Phnom Penh?’
‘Boring. We didn’t like it.’
‘Really? I’m sorry to hear that …’
CARA
‘Cara. Did you hop on the four-hour bus? Very authentic.’
‘No.’
‘Well, I’m happy to give you a second experience. Discount. You could try …’
BEAUTIFUL BALI.
‘Beautiful Bali. Retro.’
‘We want the real Phnom Penh. Like the fifteen-year-olds get.’
NOT RECOMMENDED.
‘Pumping Phnom Penh? That’s not recommended for sixties. Anyway all the teens go to …’
KRAZY KHARTOUM.
‘Krazy Khartoum now.’
‘I don’t give a shit. Give us Pumping Phnom Penh.’
NOT RECOMMENDED.
‘Your insurance wouldn’t cover it.’
‘Look, if something goes wrong I’ll tell the insurance we were having too much sex.’
‘Yes, well, that is covered for sixties. Look, what I’ll do …’
NOT RECOMMENDED.
‘It’s not recommended, but I’ll load your guides up with a Forties Pleasure Phnom Penh experience anyway. The forties are a pretty robust group, get up to mischief but without the drugs and violence. Sound good?’
‘Bev? What do you think?’
‘We were going to re-do the bathroom this holiday, babe. The tiles –’
‘We’ll take it.’
‘This bed vibrates, babe. Look, I’m jiggling.’
‘Can we start?’
‘Let’s shower first.’
‘Shit, Bev. We’re paying for this experience, you know.’
‘Don’t be bitchy. Come here. We’re on holiday, aren’t we? Enjoying our twilight? Or are you a grumpy old retiree now?’
GRUMPY RETIREE: DEROGATIVE.
‘Shut up.’
‘Stop talking to it, babe. That’s what messed it up the last time.’
‘How am I supposed to get it to do anything?’
‘You just instruct it, like this: Guide, start experience.’
PLEASURE PHNOM PENH. PUT ON YOUR GLASSES.
‘What glasses? I’m calling reception –’
‘Here, babe. It all looks the same anyway, except, oh, you’ve got a dress on.’
‘You too.’
‘Really? Do I look forty-five?’
‘You look sixty-three. This isn’t some cheap avatar holiday, Bev. This is real-ish.’
‘Well. Last time someone had come for us by now.’
‘Maybe no one comes for the forties. Maybe we just … go out there.’
‘Yuck, close the door, babe. We need those hydration whatsits first.’
‘Here. They’re chewable. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
‘Ready?’
‘Wait, hold my hand. Okay, ready.’
‘Where’s the hallway?’
‘What street is this?’
DIRECTIONS: INDEPENDENCE BOULEVARD.
‘Oh, it’s central Phnom Penh.’
‘We weren’t allowed here last time.’
‘Nothing bad is going to happen, Bev. There’ll be trams somewhere.’
NEXT TRAM: FORTY-FIVE SECONDS.
‘Hurry up, Bev.’
‘There’s no tourists, babe. Have you noticed that? We didn’t see tourists last time, either.’
‘I didn’t select tourists. We don’t want to meet a bunch of old travellers.’
‘Don’t we?’
‘No, we don’t. Look, they have street vendors at this stop.’
‘Street vendors?’
NOT RECOMMENDED.
‘Bev, it’s a guide, not the law. Go find yourself a nice coffee and I’ll have the adventure. We can meet at that temple on the hill later, ’kay? Bev?’
‘I said fine.’
TRANSLATING: ENGLISH TO KHMER – KHMER TO ENGLISH.
‘Do you have anything sweet?’
‘My grandmother likes sweet things too. She says it’s like that with age.’
‘It’s like that after sex.’
‘Oh. That man sells sweets.’
‘Over there?’
‘Yes.’
‘Excuse me, do you have anything sweet?’
‘What do you want?’
‘Just one of – do you have coconut? Real coconut?’
‘Are you kidding, lady? I have chocolate, caramel. No redberry left, sorry.’
‘Vanilla?’
‘Have a caramel and pretend it’s vanilla. Hey, lady, I can get you a coconut, a real one. But it will cost you some serious kwai.’
‘What? Oh, no thanks. I was just –’
BEV CALLING.
‘Hi!’
‘Hi! Can you smell it?’
‘What? Bev, turn your screen on.
‘Screen on. Can you smell it?’
‘Perfume. Are you in a shop?’
‘In a shop? It’s jasmine. Real jasmine. I’ve got a whole garland for you because the man said –’
‘Turn your screen on. Where are you?’
‘Where are you? I’m at the airport.’
‘The actual old airport? That’s not a shop. Your guide wouldn’t let you go out there.’
‘Go out there. I’ve got a human guide. Honestly babe, you wouldn’t believe what they’ve got here. I can see a pig.’
‘But you don’t even like going to outer-city Beijing back home –’
‘Back home –’
‘Are you repeating everything I say?’
‘Everything I say? It’s a real pig. I didn’t know Asia could be so … Asian.’
‘This is so childish. If you’re mad at me for going … Bev? Bev? Did she just hang up on me?’
TRANSLATING: ENGLISH TO KHMER: KHMER TO ENGLISH.
‘Excuse me, I will have a coconut after all. Do you get them from the airport?’
‘Maybe. You give me the money, lady, and I’ll get you a coconut.’
‘How about I give you the money, we go to the airport and you show me around? I mean is that …?’
‘I was a guide at the Killing Fields, years back. You know them? Where the resort is now?’
‘I heard about it. I couldn’t …’
‘Yeah, people either love it or hate it. Enough people love it. I applied for a job there but the pay was bad and my golden opportunity came up instead. See? It’s written on the side of the cart.’
TRANSLATING SCRIPT: MY GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY.
‘Oh.’
‘I’ll take you to the airport, lady.’
‘On a ’lectric bike?’
NOT RECOMMENDED.
‘The tram doesn’t go there.’
‘That’s fine, I want to go the most local way possible. I’m very adventurous for my age group.’
‘Sure, lady.’
EXPLANATION OF DESTINATION?
‘Okay.’
SINCE ITS CLOSURE THE PHNOM PENH AIRPORT HAS BECOME A MARKET FOR ILLEGAL GOODS TO BE TRADED AND SOLD –
‘Boring. Be quiet.’
‘You’re not supposed to talk to it, lady.’
‘You’d get along with my wife.’
‘Wife? No thanks. I had one of them.’
‘Did you just switch this bike to petrol? Where did you get petrol?’
‘It’s not petrol. It’s methane. Human methane. I get it from the market, which is next to the sewage plant.’
‘Is it legal?’
‘Of course not. They don’t want everyone going around powered by shit. But it’s fucking fast. Sorry to swear.’
‘Because I’m a woman? Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘Because you’re older than me. In the old days I would have called you “older sister.”’
‘In the old days I’d be going to the airport to catch a plane, not a coconut … Is this it? Do you need money for parking?’
‘Don’t worry about it, lady. You pay at the other end.’
‘You mean when we get back into town? Or, you mean reception? Tell me. I won’t complain or anything.’
‘Can’t you just enjoy your experience?’
‘You do work for the hotel! Does everybody here?’
THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.
‘Shut up. I’ll take my glasses off if you don’t tell me. Or I’ll … I’ll throw my guide away …’
‘Go ahead, lady. You’ll find yourself in a boring hotel room in Sydney –’
‘Beijing.’
‘Wherever. And there’s no refund and no repeat experiences. I won’t be taking you all the way out here again, that’s for sure. Coming?’
‘That’s not a … Excuse me, but is that a fish?’
DESCRIPTION: GIANT MEKONG CATFISH.
‘Doesn’t look very giant.’
‘It’s hard to get them to grow where they grow them, madam. But it’s real – touch it.’
NOT RECOMMENDED.
‘Can I take it home?’
‘Only on your taste buds, madam. It’ll cost you.’
‘The lady came for a coconut.’
‘Actually, I came to find my wife. She’s very risk-averse. Have you seen her? Nice face, my age?’
THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.
‘What? Stupid thing.’
‘We try not to remember who comes here, lady. Come on, I think the coconuts are on the other side.’
‘I bet you don’t get many sixties in here tasting coconuts.’
THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.
‘It wasn’t a question, dickhead.’
‘You just suck on the straw, madam.’
‘Oh. It’s sweet. Sure it’s authentic?’
‘Coconuts don’t taste authentic, madam. Even the real ones.’
‘I forgot that. Where do you grow them?’
THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAP–
‘Shit. Sorry.’
‘They’re grown in vats, madam.’
‘Really? They’re just the same. Hairy. Can I see the vats? Are they here somewhere?’
THIS IS A CUL–
‘Shut the fuck up.’
‘You’re not supposed to talk to it, madam.’
‘Right. So can I see the vats?’
‘No, madam.’
‘If I was in my twenties, could I see them?’
THIS IS A–
‘Shut. Up.’
‘She talks to it too much. You talk to it too much, lady. If you didn’t talk so much it wouldn’t be so sensitive. What else do you want to see, anyway? I should get back to my golden opportunity.’
‘Is there a pig? I’d like to see a pig.’
‘Is there a pig for the lady?’
‘The pig was sold, madam.’
‘You’ve got a grumpy expression, babe.’
‘You hung up on me.’
‘Up on me.’
‘You’re doing it again!’
‘Again! What?’
‘Repeating everything.’
‘Every … sorry.’
‘It’s okay. You’re just mad at me for having the adventure and now you’ve probably been waiting here ages.’
‘Ages. I just got here.’
‘Oh. Well, I’ve had a pre-tty crazy time. I went to the airport and touched a fish.’
‘A fish. Wow.’
‘Crazy, huh? Where were you? You look tired.’
‘Tired. I am tired. Shopping. Souvenirs. I guess I won’t get to take them out of the experience, but look, I got cute undies. Oh and I think this is full of offerings.’
‘Offerings
for who?’
‘For who? The gods.’
DON’T EXIST.
‘What gods? There aren’t any.’
‘Any. Buddha and there’s a king who’s buried here under the Wat somewhere. And a genie. The man said I should get offerings. The jasmine is for you.’
‘You’re shy!’
‘Shy! I’m a bit shy.’
‘About giving me flowers?’
‘Me flowers? I should just tell you. On the tram –’
‘Hun, what is that on your shoulder?’
‘Shoulder? It was so weird. A man bit me.’
‘What?’
‘What? Yeah, on the tram. My guide wouldn’t tell me what to do and the man offered to show me a special market –’
‘A man bit you and you went with him to the airport?’
NO! NO NO NO! NOT RECOMMENDED! NO!
‘Bev, is that your fucking guide saying no?’
‘No? I think it’s broken.’
‘The first time this thing gives you good advice and you don’t listen? How do you feel now?’
‘Now? Sort of … agreeable …’
‘Don’t worry, Bev, I’ll ask that woman …’
TRANSLATING: ENGLISH TO KHMER – KHMER TO ENGLISH.
‘Excuse me, hi, this is an emergency: do you know where Hotel Beaming Stay is? My wife here was bitten by a man –’
‘He was trying to scam her. It happened to my neighbour.’
‘My neighbour.’
‘Bev!’
‘Yes, they put a suggestibility serum in their teeth. I can’t remember how. Didn’t your guides warn you? You should go back to your hotel and fix that. You don’t want hospital to be a part of your experience.’
‘Experience.’
THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.
‘Holiday, I meant. Holiday. Good luck with that.’
‘Wait … shit. Guide, my wife needs the Hotel Beaming Stay. Now.’
HOTEL BEAMING STAY, BEIJING: 3659 KILOMETRES.
‘No, where we came from. At the beginning, you dipshit –’
‘Dipshit. Calm down, babe. Just say, “Guide: reception.” There. See? The door’s just there.’
‘How do we know that’s the right one?’
‘Right one? Try the handle, I guess. Here –’
‘Bev … Bev? Where did you go?’
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