by Candice Dow
After ironing out my suit with my hands, I strutted out of the office. Kia whispered, “Good luck.”
I waved my arm at her hoping to calm her concern. On the way to his office, I came up with a defense just in case. Finally, I stood outside of the president’s office. The last time I’d gotten a personal call, it was when I was promoted to editorial director.
When his secretary noticed me, she tightened her lips. I responded with the same expression. After a few seconds of awkwardness, she said, “Fatima, you can go on in. He’s expecting you.”
With my head held high, I strutted into his office. Though he didn’t greet me with a pleasant expression, I smiled. “Good morning.”
“Good afternoon.”
I nodded and folded my arms. He instructed me to have a seat as he stood up and walked to the door. As I lowered my bottom into the chair, my heart fell on the seat first.
When he finally sat across from me, his eyes scorned me. Mine lowered. He began, “You came to us straight out of college and you were a star for such a long time.”
As he awaited a reaction, I just stared through him. I sighed deeply. He continued, “Over the last year or so…” He paused. “I just can’t justify why you’re here.”
It took several seconds for his words to register. I squinted. Did he just tell me that he can’t justify why I’m here? I mouthed, “What?”
“Everything you’ve acquired has been a flop. Money is going out and we’re not getting a return. You’ve become a liability.”
When I tasted my tears, I knew I couldn’t sit there and humbly accept his verdict. I scooted to the edge of my chair. “Have you ever even considered that I’ve lost good authors to other houses because contracts are too slow or you’re too cheap to approve my recommended advances? Have you ever thought about that? I’ve spent twelve hours a day here for the last three months because I can’t depend on other people to hire qualified freelancers. What about them? Why is this all falling on me?”
“Fatima, we really like you and I didn’t want it to get to this point. It’s unfortunate for everyone, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.”
Now, my reputation was insulted and I disregarded my dignity as I shouted, “Let me go? Let me go? You couldn’t even offer me the opportunity to resign?”
He muttered, “This way, at least you’ll receive severance.”
Now on my feet, I pointed. “I don’t want your damn severance. Keep it. I just want to keep my reputation.” I spoke slowly. “Allow me to resign.”
“I know you’re upset right now, but maybe you should think about it. I’m offering you three months of pay.”
I snickered. “I don’t want your sympathy. Let me just quit and you don’t owe me anything and I don’t owe you anything.”
He smirked and shrugged his shoulders. “It doesn’t matter to me. Do what you feel is in your best interests. You don’t have to walk out right now. If you would like to stay the remainder of the day to transfer responsibility, it’s perfectly fine.”
He must think I’m some sort of fool. What makes him think I’ll transfer anything? I stormed from his office and jogged to mine. When I walked in, my runny eyeliner alarmed Kia. She stood up. “Fatima, what happened?”
“Type me a resignation letter effective immediately.”
When I walked into my office, the room spun around me. I stood confused. The walls closed in on me as I absorbed what had just happened. I looked at all the things I needed to pack and began to wail. Kia rushed in with the resignation letter and asked, “Are you okay?”
“Kia, I needed a break anyway.” I laughed in the midst of it all, because I subconsciously wanted this.
“It’ll be okay. You know you’ll find another job.”
I sniffed. “You’re right. Can you help me pack?”
We threw my stuff in trashbags and I called Rashad. His phone went directly to voicemail. Before I took the letter to Mr. Lisbon’s office, I tried again. Still no answer. In an attempt not to alarm him, I left calm messages.
Certain that the word had spread through the company seconds after it happened, I was offended that no one came in to say good-bye. That hurt more than the actual termination. Seconds before I walked out, I tried Rashad again. Then, it dawned on me, I had lost my job and Rashad was voluntarily quitting his.
As I sat in the taxi sniffling, I directed my anger at so many different people. My industry contacts flooded my mind as I decided who and where I should send my resume. With my adrenaline rushing and anger exploding, I forgot how much I hated work anyway. Finally, I concluded that I would just stay still and decide what’s next for Fatima. One week after Derrick’s funeral I went back to work because I was on a path to success. And where has it led me? Crazy! Never once did I think about taking time for me. What about me?
My mind reverted to Rashad. The money I had always planned on using for a sabbatical was the money I’d been using to pay him. But now, there was more to this equation than me. What about him?
By the time I reached home, I had called him three more times. Already feeling like the victim, I refused to have two men in one day determine my future. It was best to end the relationship with Rashad.
Scene 46
RASHAD
When Steve asked if we were willing to stay the night, I honestly thought it was a joke. At 1:32 in the morning, I headed back home. He tested our endurance to a fault. As much as I want to succeed, I could have quit.
At a certain point, I couldn’t even concentrate on the script. I wondered where Fatima was. How many times had she called? Was everything good with the new property?
When I walked out of the building, I was mentally and physically exhausted. Steve requested that we come back at eight in the morning. He must be on some kind of energy drug, because this was borderline hazing and he didn’t seem affected.
I turned my cell phone on and there where eight messages. My mind was too drained to listen to them all, so I just called Fatima and gave her an update on her answering machine.
When I woke up at seven to go back to the audition, I checked my messages. My phone was on speaker as I prepared to leave. Fatima left a few messages for me to call. The intonation in her voice increased with each message. I chuckled slightly because I knew what she was thinking. Her final message started calmly.
“Rashad…” She took a long pause. “I just wanted to tell you that I will not be renewing your contract. As it stands now, your contract is due to end in two weeks and…” She sighed. “I’ll pay you until then, but you don’t have to show up anymore.” She cleared her throat. “Have a good life.”
Smoke blew from my ears. I dialed her number. She didn’t answer. As I stormed around my room angry, I remembered that I had to get out of there. I refused to deal with it at the moment—I was so close to getting my breakthrough role. I heaved. How could she do this over the phone? What an insensitive woman. Here I am breaking my neck trying to be the man that she needed and she could just fire me over the phone. Did she even consider that I could have been hurt or in the hospital?
When I arrived at the audition, I was so distracted. Fatima became my enemy, because her inconsiderateness could possibly sabotage my future. I needed to wash my hands of it. After a moment of meditation to get my mind on my goal, I concluded that this was the answer I prayed for. I turned my phone off and prepared for another full day of hazing.
Scene 47
FATIMA
When I woke up and saw Rashad’s number on the caller ID, I immediately called him back. His phone was off again. I wanted to scream, because I wasn’t sure if he’d technically quit before I fired him.
Before I checked my messages, I opened another bottle of wine. My heart sank when the message date and time was stated. It was Rashad. Initially, I heard nothing but static. I prayed he had said something, anything. Finally, his distressed voice came through and I was able to make out only pieces of the message: “all day…quit…too much…won’t talk�
��my life…future”
I choked on my tears. All day, he thought about quitting because this is too much and he won’t talk to me for the rest of his life. Have a good future. Is that what he said? He agreed with my decision and he didn’t feel the need to be on my doorstep everyday like he claimed. I thought we had something special. As I internalized the truth, I knew I’d made the right decision to let him go. He had this planned all along.
When I couldn’t muster the courage to call Mya yesterday, I knew I’d reached an all-time low. She’s been with me through it all. When she picked up, it pained me as I confessed my failure in everything. “Mya.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I got fired yesterday.”
She chuckled. “Don’t play with me, Tima.”
“I wish I was playing.”
“No! What happened?”
Feeling the need to laugh at the accusations, I snickered. “They claim I haven’t acquired anything worth having in two years.” I laughed at myself again. “They said I’m a liability.”
“Screw them! You’re the best thing that ever happened to them. The way you’ve been busting your ass lately. They have a nerve. Forget them. You can go to another house.”
“Uh. I think I’m going to take a break.” I paused so it could seep in. “I’m just not feeling this anymore.”
“Tima, you love being an editor.”
“I used to love it. I’ve been unhappy for a long time. It just doesn’t make me as happy as it used to.”
“Tima, maybe you should take a break. Make sure you’re not letting them mess with your ego.”
I sighed. “I don’t know.”
“So, are you straight financially?”
“Well, I’ve already told Rashad that I wouldn’t renew his contract. So, that frees up all the money I’ll need.”
“You let him go just like that? What did he say? Are you guys still going to be together?”
“Well, we’d come to a crossroad anyway. I think I was taking too much time away from his life. He really wants to start focusing on his acting and…”
“Don’t tell me he’s going to leave you alone now that you can’t pay him.”
“He doesn’t even know I got fired.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“I think he planned to break it off anyway. I didn’t talk to him all day yesterday and I—”
“So, did you guys break up while you were away this weekend?”
“Mya, I don’t know. All I know is that I left him a message to tell him that I no longer needed his services—”
“You did what?”
“I told him that I didn’t need him and he didn’t have to come back.”
“You left this on his answering machine? Fatima, you know I’ve taught you better than that. When did you do this?”
“Yesterday.”
She shouted, “Yesterday! Fatima, he was at a big audition yesterday. I haven’t had a chance to talk to Steve to see how he made out, but one way or the other I’m sure he was stressed.”
I huffed. “I don’t care.”
“What do you mean you don’t care? The man had a busy day and you decided you want to break up with him over the phone.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter now, because he called back to say that he thought it was a good idea and he hopes I have a good life.”
“Tima, are you kidding?”
“I wish I was.”
“I don’t want to jump to conclusions because I’m sure he had a pretty drilling day and it’s possible that he just wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.”
“It doesn’t matter. He agreed that we should be apart.”
She sighed. “Well, he was just a stand-in anyway. Maybe it’s best this way. He can pursue his dream and you can find real love.”
Though I agreed, I yearned for Rashad. What was he thinking? How was this so easy to let go? What about all the love I felt when we were together? What about us? How was I supposed to handle another death?
“Fatima…Fatima…”
I sniffed. “I’m here.”
“Honey, do you need me to come over there?”
“It just hurts so bad.”
“Fatima, I think you should call him again.”
“Mya, I can’t keep throwing money away like that. At least when I had a job, I could justify tossing away a hundred and ten thousand dollars a year, but not now. Derrick would be so disappointed in me. I should be putting that money into something that’s going to make money for me, because I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to work.”
“Why don’t you call him and explain the situation? Let him make the decision.”
“Mya, did you hear me when I said he made his decision? I will not call him and beg him to be my man. Bad enough, I paid for the relationship. Let me walk away with some pride left.”
She sucked her teeth. “Okay, stubborn. You know him better than me.”
She knew when to push and when to pull, because all of sudden, she had jumped on my side. After a brief silence, she said, “Screw him, Tima. If he doesn’t want to be your man without the money, he’s not worth it. This game has gone too far anyway. It was silly for us to think this would end smoothly.”
As she sat on the phone damning the idea we conjured up, I needed to hear a voice of compassion.
I told her that I had to go and I called my mother. She instantly heard distress in my voice. “Fatima, you don’t sound good.”
My sniffle became a sob, as my mother pleaded with me to tell her everything. I decided not to share my relationship saga, but I told her how I was fired. Though the emotions I expressed were a result of Rashad, not my job.
“Come home for a few days, baby.”
“I’ll see. I don’t know.”
“You need to be with family right now.”
As she continued to convince me, I logged on the Internet and searched for flights. Before I actually confirmed a reservation, I thought I should at least have a verbal exchange with Rashad. When I got off the phone, I called him again and his voicemail greeted me once more. I decided not to leave a message. If he had gone as far as cutting his phone off, he obviously didn’t want to talk.
Sniffing all the way through the process, I bought my ticket to Huntsville. Then, I curled up on my couch and reread old gossip magazines to submerge myself in other people’s dramas.
It crossed my mind a few times that maybe I should start my own magazine. Derrick had already created the blueprint. All I needed to do was put as much energy as he put into it. I sucked my teeth. Then, I’ll be dead, too.
Scene 48
RASHAD
Luckily, we were done by seven-thirty and Steve had narrowed it down to five soldiers, because this was clearly worse than boot camp. I’d pushed my own drama to the back of my mind, but as soon as I came back out of the building, I immediately wondered how Fatima could do what she’d done. After a few more random chats with Steve, I understood Fatima a little better and I felt I could never make her happy. It’s funny, maybe she should pursue acting. I thought we were headed somewhere. But as I replayed her message for the twentieth time, it was obvious that I was the only happy one.
As much as I was angered about our break up, I guess she came into my life for a reason. I would have never believed I would own property in New York. Although I wanted more from her, she didn’t owe me anything.
My mother looked shock when I walked in the house. She said, “It’s good to see you.”
I chuckled. “Good to see you, too.”
As I kissed her cheek, she patted my back. Boxes lined the wall as she had already begun to pack her stuff to move into her newly renovated apartment. I sat down beside her. “You’re ready to get out of here, huh?”
She nodded. “I’m ready. I can’t wait.”
“Access Hollywood” played on the television and I gazed at it. She laughed. “Why are you all into this trash?”
Instantly, that put Fatima to the forefront o
f my mind. Feeling the need to mend the ache in my heart, I chuckled and stood up. “I’m not watching this.”
I headed to my room and checked my phone every five seconds. She hadn’t called. She hadn’t recanted her statement. I covered my face with my pillow. After evaluating where my life was headed, I realized Fatima was cheating herself out of the final product.
Scene 49
FATIMA
As I stood on the steps waiting for the car to take me to the airport, I looked up the street and saw Rashad. My heart smiled and I was so thankful that he’d come to question my irrational words. I had trotted down the stairs to meet him when I realized it was a bad look-alike. My head hung as the fake Rashad passed me.
When the car pulled up, I paused to look around. Maybe the real Rashad was near. I sat inside the car and hesitated closing the door. Then I knew—there was nothing keeping me in New York.
On the plane ride to Alabama, I was able to listen to my thoughts. I’d lost touch with Fatima and didn’t know where to find her. How did I ever stoop so low as to pay for companionship? This is never where I expected to be. Derrick and I were supposed to build an empire. Now, I’m here, trying to fight the battle of this world alone.
When my mother came to the airport with almost the entire family packed in her minivan, I knew we were in for a celebration. My family should receive an honor for the Eleventh Hour Barbecue. They party for everything and, of course, there had to be a party for the return of the long-lost Fatima. Before we pulled up to the house, I could smell the grill.
“Who’s coming?”
“Chile, everyone is already here. We ain’t seen you in almost eighteen months.”