My Vocabulary Did This to Me

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My Vocabulary Did This to Me Page 22

by Jack Spicer

The prize is there at the bottom of the rainbow—follow the invisible markings processwise

  I, Gawain, who am no longer human but a legend followed the markings

  Did

  More or less what they asked

  My name is now a symbol for shame

  I, Gawain, who once was a knight of the Grail in a dark forest.

  End of Book of Gawain

  THE BOOK OF PERCIVAL

  1.

  Fool-

  Killer lurks between the branches of every tree

  Bird-language.

  Fooled by nature, I

  Accepted the quest gracefully

  Played the fool. Fool-

  Killer in the branches waiting.

  Left home. Fool-killer left home too. Followed me.

  Fool-

  Killer thinks that just before the moment I will find the grail he will catch me. Poor

  Little boy in the forest

  Dancing.

  2.

  Even the forest felt deserted when he left it. What nonsense!

  The enormous trees. The lakes with carp in them. The wolves and badgers. They

  Should feel deserted for a punk kid who has left them?

  Even the forest felt deserted. There were no leaves dropping or sounds anybody could hear.

  The wind met resistance but no noise, the sky

  Could not be heard through the water.

  Percival

  Fool, like badger, pinetree, broken water,

  Gone.

  3.

  “Ship of fools,” the wise man said to me.

  “I used to work in Chicago in a department store,” I said to the wise man never knowing that there would be a ship

  Whose tiny sails, grail bearing

  Would have to support me

  All the loves of my life

  Each impossible choice I had been making. Wave

  Upon wave.

  “Fool,” I could hear them shouting for we were becalmed in some impossible harbor

  The grail and me

  And in impossible armor

  The spooks that bent the ship

  Forwards and backwards.

  4.

  If someone doesn’t fight me I’ll have to wear this armor

  All of my life. I look like the Tin Woodsman in the Oz Books.

  Rusted beyond recognition.

  I am, sir, a knight. Puzzled

  By the way things go toward me and in back of me. And finally into my mouth and head and red blood

  O, damn these things that try to maim me

  This armor

  Fooled

  Alive in its

  Self.

  5.

  The hermit said dance and I danced

  I was always meeting hermits on the road

  Who said what I was to do and I did it or got angry and didn’t

  Knowing always what was not expected of me.

  She electrocuted herself with her own bathwater

  I pulled the plug

  And there was darkness (the Hermit said)

  Deeper than any hallow.

  6.

  It was not searching the grail or finding it that prompted me

  It was playing the fool (Fool-killer along at my back

  Playing the fool.)

  I knew that the cup or the dish or the knights I fought didn’t have anything to do with it

  Fool-killer and I were fishing in the same ocean

  “And at the end of whose line?” I asked him once when I met him in my shadow.

  “You ask the wrong questions” and at that my shadow jumped up and beat itself against a rock, “or rather the wrong questions to the wrong person”

  At the end of whose line

  I now lie

  Hanging.

  7.

  No visible means of support

  The Grail hung there like june-berries in October or something I had felt and forgotten.

  This was a palace and an ocean I was in

  A ship that cast its water on the tide A grail, a real grail. Snark-hungry.

  The Grail hung there with the seagulls circling round it and the pain of my existence soothed

  “Fool,” they sang in voices more like angels watching

  “Fool.”

  End of Book of Percival

  THE BOOK OF LANCELOT

  1.

  Tony (another Tony)

  All the deer in all the forests of Britain could not pay for the price of this dish

  Lancelot took a chance on this, heard the adulterous sparrows murmuring in the adulterous woods

  Willing to pay the price of this with his son or his own body.

  More simply, your heavy hands (and all the deer of Britain) a grail-searcher has need.

  2.

  Walking on the beach and you both hear the sound the ocean makes.

  The sailors at Tarawa, Java, burning oil at their backs

  Swimming for dear life.

  You say, and he says and meaningless says the beach’s ocean

  Grail at point 029.

  In the slick of the thing music

  Waves brushing past the beach as if they wanted to be human

  The sailors screaming.

  Walking on the beach, fondly or not fondly, they hear the sound the

  Ocean makes.

  3.

  Nobody’s stranger than the stranger coming to the dinner

  He can imitate anything or anybody.

  “When they start climbing up the back of the old flash” the runner who had simply hit a single almost had passed him “It is time to quit. I’ll never play again.”

  Almost saw the cup, Lancelot, his eyes so filled with tears.

  4.

  Love cannot exist between people

  Trial balloons. How fated the whole thing is.

  It is as if there exists a large beach with no one on it.

  Eaches calling each on the paths. Essentially ocean.

  You do know Graham how I love you and you love me

  but nothing can stop the roar of the tide. The grail, not there, becomes a light which is not able to be there like a lighthouse or spindrift

  No, Graham, neither of us can stop the pulse and beat of it

  The roar.

  5.

  Lancelot fucked Gwenivere only four times.

  He fucked Elaine twenty times

  At least. She had a child and died from it.

  Hero Lancelot feared the question “what is the holy grail?” which nobody asked him.

  All the snow on the mountain

  It was

  For a time

  His question to answer.

  6.

  The Irish have only invented three useful things:

  Boston, The Holy Grail, and fairies.

  This is not to imply that Boston, The Holy Grail and fairies do not exist.

  They do and are to be proved in time as much as the package of Lucky Strike cigarettes you smoke or the village your grandmother came from.

  Jack, jokes aside, is very much like entering that forest

  Perilous

  No place for Lancelot, who has killed more men

  Than you I-

  Rish will ever see.

  7.

  He has all the sense of fun of an orange, Gawain once explained to a trusted friend.

  His sense of honor is too much barely to carry his body

  The horse he rides on (Dada) will never go anywhere. Sharp, in the palace, he wanders alone among intellectual servants

  He sings a song to himself as he goes out to look for the thing.

  The Grail will not be his

  Obviously.

  End of Book of Lancelot

  THE BOOK OF GWENIVERE

  1.

  Lance, lets figure out where we stand

  On the beach of some inland sea which cannot be called an ocean

  The river in back of us is green.

  The river is wet. Down it floats what is not the
grail-mistress, several magicians and dead seagulls. Harp

  On the same theme. Play the wild chorus over and over again—the music magic

  Lady of the Lake I hate you; cannot stand your casual

  Way the wind blows. Listen,

  I am Gwenivere.

  2.

  The question is pretty simple. I would never have been admitted to the Grail Castle but if I had been I would have asked it: “Why

  Did you admit me to the Grail Castle?” That would have stopped him.

  I am sick of the invisible world and all its efforts to be visible

  What eyes

  (Yours or mine)

  Are worth seeing it

  Or, Lance, what eyes (mine and yours) when, looking at each other we forget the Grail Castle for a moment at least

  Make it worth seeing it?

  3.

  Good Friday now. They are saying mass in the Grail Castle

  The dumb old king

  Awaits

  The scourge, the vinegar, the lance, for the umptiumpth time

  Not Christ, but a substitute for Christ as Christ was a substitute.

  You knights go out to tear him from the cross like he was a fairy princess turned into a toad

  The cup that keeps the blood shed, bled into

  Is a hoax, a hole

  I see it dis-

  Appear.

  4.

  What you don’t understand are depths and shadows

  They grow, Lance, though the sun covers them in a single day.

  Grails here, grails there, grails tomorrow

  A trick of light.

  A trick of light streaming from the cup

  You say, knowing only the unbent rock

  The shells

  That have somehow survived their maker.

  The depths and shadows are beside all of this, somehow

  Returning

  Each man to what of him is not bone and skin and mortal

  The moon

  Which is beautiful and shell of the earth

  Streaming.

  5.

  Sometimes I wonder what you are looking for. The Monday

  After Christ died the women came to his tomb and the angel said “What are you looking for?”

  A sensible question.

  The bloody lance that pierced his side, the scourge, the vinegar had all turned into relics

  Why beat a dead horse?

  The women, who were no better than they should be, hadn’t seen him

  If there really was a Christ only

  This will happen in the Grail Castle

  6.

  Boo! I tell you all

  Scape-ghosts and half-ghosts

  you do not know what is going to appear.

  Is going to appear at the proper place like you, Lance

  Salt Lake City, New York, Jerusalem, Hell, The Celestial City

  Winking and changing like a light in some dark harbor. Damn

  The ghosts of the unbent flame, the pixies, the kobalds, the dwarves eating jewels underground, the lives that seem to have nothing to do except to make you have

  Adventures.

  Naked

  I lie in this bed. The spooks

  Around me animate themselves.

  Boo! Hello!

  Lance, the cup is heavy. Drop the cup!

  7.

  This teacup Christ bled into. You are so polite, Lance

  All your heros are so polite

  They would make a cat scream.

  I dreamed last night that your body had become a gigantic adventure. Wild horses

  Could not tear it away from itself.

  I

  Was the whole earth you were traveling over

  Rock, sand, and water.

  Christ, and this little teacup

  Were always between us.

  I was a witch, Lance. My body was not the earth, yours not wild horses or what wild horses could not tear

  Politely, your body woke me up

  And I saw the bent morning

  End of Book of Gwenivere

  THE BOOK OF MERLIN

  1.

  “Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.00.”

  The naked sound of a body sounds like a trumpet through all this horseshit.

  You do not go to jail. You stay there unmoved at what any physical or metaphysical policemen do.

  You behave like Gandhi. Your

  Magic will be better than their magic. You await that time with hunger.

  Strike

  Against the real things. The colonial Hengest and Horsa

  The invasion of Britain was an invasion of the spirit.

  2.

  Wohin auf das Auge blicket

  Moor und Heide rings herum

  Vogelsang uns nicht erquicket

  Eichen stehen kahl und krumm.

  Lost in the peril of their own adventure

  Grail-searchers im Konzentrationslage

  A Jew stole the grail the first time

  And a jew died into it

  That is the history of Britain.

  The politics of the world of spooks is as random as that of a Mesopotamian kingdom

  Merlin (who saw two ways at the least of the river, the bed of the river.) Maer-

  Chen ausgeschlossen.

  3.

  The tower he built himself

  From some kind of shell that came from his hide

  He pretended that he was a radio station and listened to grail-music all day and all night every day and every night.

  Shut up there by a treachery that was not quite his own (he could not remember whose treachery it was) he predicted the future of Britain.

  The land is hollow, he said, it consists of caves and holes so immense that eagles or nightingales could not fly in them

  Love,

  The Grail, he said,

  No matter what happened.

  4.

  Otherwise everything was brilliant

  Flags loose in the wind. A tournament

  For live people. Disengagement as from the throat to the loin or the sand to the ocean.

  The flags

  Of another country.

  Flags hover in the breeze

  Mary Baker Eddy alone in her attempt

  To slake Thursdays. Sereda,

  Oh, how chill the hill

  Is with the snow on it

  What a semblance of

  Flags.

  5.

  Then the thought of Merlin became more than imprisoned Merlin

  A jail-castle

  Was built on these grounds.

  Sacco and Vanzetti and Lion-Hearted Richard and Dillinger who somehow almost lost the Grail. Political prisoners

  Political prisoners. Willing to rise from their graves.

  “The enemy is in your own country,” he wrote that when Gawain and Percival and almost everybody else was stumbling around after phantoms

  There was a Grail but he did not know that

  Jailed.

  6.

  That’s it Clyde, better hit the road farewell

  That’s it Clyde better hit the road

  You’re not a frog you’re a horny toad. Goodbye, farewell, adios.

  The beach reaching its ultimate instant. A path over the sand.

  And the toadfrog growing enormous in the shadow of fogged-in waters. The Lady of the Lakes. Monstrous.

  This is not the end because like a distant bullet

  A ship comes up. I don’t see anybody on it. I am Merlin imprisoned in a branch of the Grail Castle.

  7.

  “Heimat du bist wieder mein”

  Heimat. Heimat ohne Ferne

  You are called to the phone.

  You are called to the phone to predict what will happen to Britain. The great silver towers she gave you. What you are in among

  You are called to predict the exact island that your ancestors came from

  Carefully now will there be a Grail or a Bom
b which tears the heart out of things?

  I say there will be no fruit in Britain for seven years unless something happens.

  End of Book of Merlin

  THE BOOK OF GALAHAD

  1.

  Backyards and barnlots

  If he only could have stopped talking for a minute he could have understood the prairies of American

  Whitman, I mean, not Galahad who were both born with the same message in their throats

  Contemplating America from Long Island Sound or the Grail from purity is foolish, not in a bad sense but fool-ish as if words or poetry could save you.

  The Indians who still walked around the Plains were dead and the Grail-searchers were dead and neither of them knew it.

  Innocent in the wind, the sound of a real bird’s voice

  In-vented.

  2.

  Galahad was invented by American spies. There is no reason to think he existed.

  There are agents in the world to whom true and false are laughable. Galahad laughed

  When he was born because his mother’s womb had been so funny. He laughed at the feel of being a hero.

  Pure. For as he laughed the flesh fell off him

  And the Grail appeared before him like a flashlight.

  Whatever was to be seen

  Underneath.

  3.

  “We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz,”

  Damned Austrailians marching into Greece on a fool’s errand.

  The cup said “Drink me” so we drank

  Shrinking or rising in size depending how the bullets hit us

  Galahad had a clearer vision. Was an SS officer in that war or a nervous officer (Albanian, say), trying to outline the cup through his glasses.

  The Grail lives and hovers

  Like bees

  Around the camp and their love, their corpses. Honey-makers

  Damned Austrailians marching into Greece on a fool’s errand.

  4.

  To drink that hard liquor from the cold bitter cup.

  I’ll tell you the story. Galahad, bastard son of Elaine

  Was the only one allowed to find it. Found it in such a way that the dead stayed dead, the waste land stayed a waste land. There were no shoots from the briers or elm trees.

 

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