by Sean Covey
At first, I was really mad at my big brother who chose to live with my dad. I regret holding that against him because now we are practically best friends. All in all just try to make the best of it and take it one day at a time.
Dr. Ken Cheyne also offered this advice on what teens can do to make divorce easier:
Be fair. Most teens say it’s important that parents don’t try to get them to take sides.
Keep in touch. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick e-mail just to say “I’m thinking of you” helps ease the feelings of missing each other.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your life is on hold. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same. Take care of yourself too, by eating right and getting regular exercise—two great stress busters.
Let others support you. If you’re feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don’t, and if you’re feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it’s hard for you to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. There are therapists who specialize in teens who are dealing with divorce. Your parents, school counselor, or doctor can help you find one. Also, it can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through a similar experience.
THE PHOENIX
You may have heard the myth of the Phoenix. After a life of one thousand years, it lies down on the funeral pyre and burns to ashes. From the ashes, a new bird arises that lives for another thousand years. The point is, sometimes new life is born out of the ashes of a setback, like the divorce of your parents. For example, your parents may be happier living apart. Coping well with a divorce can help you build strength, compassion, and maturity. You may develop closer bonds with a brother or sister because you have to count on each other more.
Bethany wrote:
The day before my senior year in high school, everything changed. I came home from work to discover that my dad had left my mom and me. The note read “That’s the way it goes. Bye.”
At first, I felt okay with the situation. Not having my dad in the house was almost a blessing, because I didn’t have to hear him say mean and nasty things about my mom. However, we soon discovered that the bills were at least a month behind. My mom could only work three days a week because of a broken ankle. I had to change jobs, but, even then, I wasn’t making nearly enough money.
My whole senior year was spent crying and trying not to spend my money so I could help with bills. At first, Mom had a really hard time accepting help from me. She wouldn’t tell me how far behind she was. I was young and naïve, and didn’t realize how much we were in debt.
I applied and was accepted to college. After two months, I had to come home to help my mom with the bills. I remember so many times I would just burst into tears because it was so unfair. I was supposed to be at school having fun and getting my degree, but instead I was working a full-time job to help support myself and my mom.
I finally realized that I couldn’t let the bad things that had happened ruin my life. I had to prove that I was strong enough to make something of my life.
That was four years ago. Since then, I purchased my own house where I now live with my mom. I work a full-time job as a supervisor at an office-supply store, and I also run my own business. I’m in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams. There’s not one thing I would change if given the chance. I believe that in some strange way, I owe it all to the hard times I faced when my dad abandoned us.
Closing the Gap
“Haven’t you heard of knocking?” Natasha complains as her mom enters her bedroom.
“You need to clean up your room, Natasha. This is ridiculous.”
“I’ll get to it later, Mom. I’m busy right now.”
© The New Yorker Collection 1993 Frank Cotham from Cartoonbank.com. All Rights Reserved.
“No, you’ll do it now.”
“This is my room, Mom. I’ll clean it up. Just give me a few minutes. And don’t barge into my room anymore without knocking.”
“This is my house. So don’t start telling me what I can or can’t do in my own house.”
“Yeah, but this is my room, and I need my privacy.”
“You’re not getting any privacy until your room’s clean. So let’s get movin’.”
“Ucht, Mom. Please just get out.”
Do you ever feel like you and your parents speak different languages? Well, you do. Sort of. You see, while you worry about what your friends are going to say about your new haircut, they worry about how they’re going to pay the bills. You and your parents see life through a different pair of glasses. You say one thing and your parents hear something else. Or vice versa.
WHAT YOU SAY
WHAT YOUR PARENTS HEAR
“I don’t want to talk right now. Okay!?
“I have time to watch TV and clip my fingernails, but I don’t have time for you.”
“You have no idea what I’m even talking about.”
“I know more than you.”
WHAT YOUR PARENTS SAY
WHAT YOU HEAR
“When I was your age…”
“When dinosaurs roamed the earth…”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
“I don’t have any good reasons, but you better do what I say or else.”
To understand what I’m talking about, try this little experiment. Turn to page 150 and look at the picture for just one second. Then, without looking at it yourself (no peeking, now), hand this book to someone near you, preferably one of your parents, and have them turn to page 159 and look at the picture on that page for one second.
Now, together, both of you look at the picture on page 163 and describe what you see. Is that a picture of a young woman or a saxophone player? Most likely, you will see a saxophone player and the other person will see a woman. Keep talking until you both see both images. You may want to look at the pictures on page 150 and 159 to understand how you were conditioned to see what you saw.
Think about it. If a one-second experience can make you see this picture differently, don’t you think years of experiences can influence you and your parents to see the world differently? When you communicate with your parents, they see a young woman and you see a saxophone player, and both of you are right. There are always two sides to the story. This is called a communication gap.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
One great way to overcome the communication gap is to get to know each other better. You may spend a bunch of time with one or both of your parents, but just how well do you know them?
Grab a pen and try to answer these fifteen questions about your parents. You can answer them about your mom only, your dad only, or both. When you’re done, hand your parents this book and see if they can answer the fifteen questions about you on page 149. Then, when you’re all finished, get together and talk about your answers. I’ll bet there’s a bunch you never knew.
How Well DoYou Know Your Mom/Dad?
1. What color are your mom’s/dad’s eyes?
2. What is your mom’s/dad’s favorite thing to do?
3. What would your mom/dad consider to be the nicest thing you could do for her/him?
4. If your mom/dad had all the time and money in the world, what would they spend their time doing?
5. What are your mom’s/dad’s views on marriage?
6. What is your mom’s/dad’s greatest unfulfilled dream?
7. What was your mom’s/dad’s first full-time job?
8. Who is your mom’s/dad’s closest friend?
9. How did your parents first meet?
10. What is your mom’s/dad’s favorite kind of music?
11. What is your mom’s/dad’s favorite TV show?
12. Who did your mom/dad vote for in the last electi
on?
13. Does your mom/dad gas up the car when the tank is half-empty or wait until it is nearly empty?
14. Where is your mom’s/dad’s favorite vacation spot?
15. What would your mom/dad rather do: watch a good TV show, go out to the movies, go to dinner with some friends, or read a book?
How Well Do You Know Your TEEN?
1. What is your teen’s favorite subject in school?
2. What would your teen consider to be the nicest thing you could do for them?
3. What would your teen like to become when they grow up?
4. What is your teen’s favorite kind of music?
5. What is your teen’s hot button, the thing that really makes them mad?
6. What is your teen’s favorite social media app?
7. What is the one thing your teen wishes they could change about him- or herself?
8. What would your teen really like to talk about with you, but is afraid to?
9. What pet would your teen prefer to have: a dog, a cat, a hamster, a horse, a bird, a turtle, a snake, no pet at all, or all of the above?
10. Who is your teen’s best friend?
11. If your teen could travel anywhere in the world, where would they go?
12. What would your teen rather do: go to a movie with friends, read a good book, play games on the computer, or play their favorite sport?
13. Does your teen have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now? If so, who is it?
14. What has been one of the high points of your teen’s life so far?
15. What was your teen’s favorite vacation ever?
So, how well do you know your parents and how well do they know you? If either of you got 11 or more of the 15 questions right, not bad! If you got between 6 and 10 right, you ought to hang out together a little more. If you got 5 or fewer right, you should start communicating. It’s called talking. It’s always helpful to see life through the eyes of another. Try this thing called talking. It’s always helpful to see life through the eyes of another.
ALL IT TAKES IS ONE
Do you ever feel that you have the same conversation again and again with your mom or dad? Or that you can predict the outcome of almost every conversation?
“Marc, don’t you think you’ve had enough soda for one day?”
“C’mon, Dad. It’s not going to kill me.”
“Well, it’s not going to make you healthy either.”
“I don’t tell you what you can drink, so why are you always telling me what I can or can’t drink?”
“I’m not telling you what you can do, I’m only saying—”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ve heard it all before.”
If you and your parents have a communication gap, even one the size of the Grand Canyon, have hope. You can change the outcome of almost every conversation if just one of you is willing to take a different approach. You may be thinking, “Yeah, but you don’t know my dad. He’s never going to change. He’s impossible.” Well, maybe he is impossible and maybe he won’t ever change. But you can. You can start to communicate in a better, smarter way. Here are three time-tested skills that are foundational to all good communication.
Skill #1: Think Win-Win
Are you always thinking about what’s in it for you, without thinking about what’s in it for them? As Mariel put it, “Ever since I entered my teenage years, I have had trouble communicating with my parents. When I wanted something I would tell them what I wanted and how it was going to be. I never really cared about what they wanted.”
Well, you’ve got to care about what they want, too. This is called Think Win-Win, the 4th habit of highly effective teens. The ironic thing is that if you care about what they want, you’ll get a lot more of what you want. The opposite of thinking Win-Win is thinking Win-Lose, or only thinking of yourself. You see conversations as a competition, and you’re out to win. It sounds something like this.
Reggie comes home from school. He’s tired, so he turns on the TV and plops on the coach as his mom hurriedly enters the room.
“Reggie, honey. I don’t think you have time to watch TV. I really need your help right now.”
“I’m tired, Mom. I just want to watch for a few minutes.”
“Sorry. But we don’t have time for that today. The Guercios are coming over tonight and I need your help cleaning the house, right now. It’s a wreck.”
“The Guercios? Why do they always have to come over? I can’t stand them. Yuck.”
“You don’t have to like my friends, but I at least want you to be polite and say hello.”
“Fine. But I’m not helping you clean the house.”
Reggie, by only thinking of himself, just blew it. He won and his mom lost, at least in the short term. But the problem with Win-Lose is it will come back to bite you. Two days from now, when Reggie wants permission to use the car, his mom might think, Why should I let you take the car when you refused to help me the other day?
With only a smidgeon of effort, and a little Win-Win thinking, Reggie could have turned the whole thing around. Let’s try it again.
“Reggie, honey. I don’t think you have time to watch TV. I really need your help right now.”
“I’m tired, Mom. I just want to watch for a few minutes.”
“Sorry, but we don’t have time for that today. The Guercios are coming over tonight and I need your help cleaning the house, right now. It’s a wreck.”
“Well…Okay. I’ll help you clean for a few minutes. But I don’t want to spend all night with your friends. I’ll just say hello, and that’s all.”
“That’s fine. Thanks so much for helping me clean up. You have no idea how busy I am right now.”
By sacrificing a little bit of what he wanted now, Reggie just made a big deposit into his mom’s RBA. He will probably get more of what he wants later.
When you and your parents don’t see eye to eye or when you really want to persuade them to see your point of view, trying using a T chart. You can do it in your head or you can write it down. On one side, list what the Win is for you. On the other side, list what you think the Win is for them. In the case of Reggie and his mom, it might look like this.
WHAT’S A WIN FOR YOU?
WHAT’S A WIN FOR THEM?
I’m tired and want to watch TV
Mom desperately needs help cleaning right now
I don’t want to hang out with Mom’s friends all night
Mom wants me to make a little effort with her friends
Try out these Think Win-Win phrases and watch the magic they create:
• How do you see it?
• What would make this a win for you?
• I think the important things for you are…
• What’s your side of the story?
Skill #2: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
This is the 5th habit of highly effective teens. It simply means listen first, then talk. Our tendency is to talk first, then pretend to listen.
Tyrone is 16 and has a curfew of midnight. Tonight, he is going out with some of his friends to play pool, and wants to stay out later. He approaches his dad.
“I’m sorry, Tyrone. But we’ve talked about this before. You know your curfew. I want you home at twelve tonight and that’s final.”
“But, Dad. You’re so unfair. All of my friends have much later curfews than I do. Their parents let them do what they want. Steve doesn’t even have a curfew.”
“I don’t really care what kind of curfews your friends have. In our family, we have our own rules.”
“Why are you always trying to control my life? I’m sick of it,” Tyrone says with an attitude.
“If you keep talking that way, son, I’ll never let you stay out later.”
“I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this. Geez, it’s not like I’m ten years old anymore. I’m outta here.”
Notice what happened here. Since no one was listening, no real communication was going on. Tyrone�
��s dad is clearly a little high-strung. But Tyrone, by making no attempt to understand, didn’t help his cause.
So, how do you listen? You act like a mirror. What does a mirror do? It reflects. It doesn’t argue or fight back. Mirroring is simply this: Repeat in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling. It’s almost mimicking as a parrot would, but unlike a parrot, your goal isn’t to mock the other person, your goal is to really understand them.
For example, your mom says to you, “I really don’t like you hanging out with Kara Johnson. I don’t like what she does to you. You always act so bratty after being with her.”
Your typical response might be: “Well, too bad. I like being with her.”
A mirroring response would be: “So, you think Kara is a bad influence on me.”
Your dad says, “I think it’s a huge mistake to quit soccer. You’ve been playing since you were eight and you’re going to throw all that away.”
Your typical response might be: “It’s none of your business.”
A mirroring response would be: “I can see you’re really worried about me quitting.”
Our tendency is to prepare our next comment while the other person is talking, and, as a result, we don’t really listen. When you listen sincerely, you’ll find that there is usually a deeper issue than what appears on the surface. It’s like peeling an onion. You may have to peel back several layers before uncovering the real issue.
Let’s return to Tyrone, but this time let’s pretend Tyrone tries to understand his dad.
“I’m sorry, Tyrone. But we’ve talked about this before. You know your curfew. I want you home at twelve tonight and that’s final.”