by Sean Covey
FOR THE CHILD
Two of the most important things in life are how people come into the world (birth) and how they go out of the world (death).
We’re so careful about how people leave the world. We have stiff penalties for murder. We do all we can to prolong life. We mourn when people die. But we’re so careless when it comes to how people enter the world. Millions of babies are born each year all over the world through unplanned pregnancies—millions more are aborted.
Your ability to create life is like a match. It can do much good or much harm. A match can give light to everyone in a dark room. It can also burn down your home.
Each time you have sex you are playing with fire. There’s always a chance that a baby could come of it. And it’s so unfair to the child to be born without a committed father or to a mother who hasn’t even finished high school. Some girls get pregnant just because having a baby gives them attention and someone to love. Maybe so. But it’s so unfair to the baby. They need every advantage they can get to make it in this world. If you want your child to be raised in poverty, then have a baby as a teen. It is the surest indicator.
Lots of kids are raised without fathers. Luckily, there are many moms who do an amazing job as single parents. If you don’t have a father in your life, you can be a cycle breaker and become the father you always wished you had to your own kids. You probably know of James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader in the Star Wars films. Recently he received an award from the National Fatherhood Initiative. He stood up and said, “This award means more to me than any acting award I have ever received. I never knew my father. My father never knew his father. But my son knows me.”
Don’t take the chance of bringing a child into this world until you’re ready to be a great father or mother. Give your child the best possible chance to succeed. Wait for the child.
FOR THE RELATIONSHIP
Relationships move forward in two different ways. Both start with attraction. Lots of different things attract or turn us on, a look, a gesture, the sound of a voice. Where the relationship goes from there is up to us.
The selfish lust route usually starts with infatuation, which feels like real love but is merely a flash in the pan. These obsessions usually burn out quickly. Before long, we start looking for our next flame. The material stage is when you get physical because it feels good and seems like the logical next step in the relationship. You say it’s love but it’s really lust. Breakup is what inevitably happens when the relationship is based primarily on the physical.
If you want to build solid boy-girl relationships, you take the selfless love route. It starts with a foundation of friendship, getting to know and like someone, regardless of what you might get from them physically. Bonding is when you start to understand and care for someone on a deeper level, learning their hopes and dreams, their fears and faith. It may involve some light hugging and kissing, based on affection, not lust. Commitment is when you desire to share your lives together in a committed, long-term relationship, commonly known as marriage. At this stage sex is good and fulfilling.
Hoon, a 17-year-old from Seoul, South Korea, had to choose which relationship route to take.
I had been dating my girlfriend for over six months. Like most guys my age, I was pretty curious and full of wonder about having sex. I heard from friends that it was great. So, I naturally thought I would have sex when the time came.
One day, it was just me and her alone in the apartment and after watching TV I started doing business. When I kissed her, I looked into her eyes. They were filled with fear. It startled me. So I had to ask, “Is anything wrong?”
“No, nothing,” she said. “I’m just so nervous. We’re not old enough yet.”
She was 20 years old and I wasn’t even her age yet, but I assumed that we were old enough. What she then told me completely changed my ideas about having sex. She wanted to save herself for someone who she would get married to. She was also thinking about the trouble that pregnancy could cause us. She also confessed she didn’t want hasty sex to become an obstacle in our relationship.
Her words showed me what sex would really mean to us, and I gave her a big hug to show her I loved her and I felt warm all over.
So, how far is too far? Everyone will tell you that once you start kissing passionately and get turned on, it’s really difficult to turn off and things naturally tend to progress. So it’s smart not to move beyond short hugs and light kisses. If you want to keep healthy relationships and if you want to avoid the risk of pregnancy, STDs, and emotional scarring, live above the bar. Stay on the side of affection and save passion for later.
Living above the bar won’t just happen. You’ll have to make it happen. How? By making your own rules. When I started dating seriously in college I had to set rules for myself to live above the bar, like not dating girls that had fast and easy reputations. One teen boy said, “They teach you all the facts about sex, but don’t teach you any rules.” Well, here are three commonsense rules to help you live above the bar.
• Set goals and write a personal mission statement that spells out what you want to achieve. These will give you strength to say no to things you don’t want to do.
• Avoid compromising situations where it’s easy to let your guard down, like being alone in a bedroom.
• Don’t fill your mind with sexually explicit or violent music, movies, or pornography of any kind that will influence your thoughts and actions.
For a moment, imagine the person you hope to marry. What do they look like? Are they funny, intelligent, kind? How do you hope they are living their life right now? Would it bother you if you knew they were hooking up each weekend or had five, ten, or fifteen different partners over the past several years? Or would it make you smile if you knew they were holding out for you? Why not live your life as you would want them to live theirs? Wait for the relationship.
FOR THE FREEDOM
When’s the last time you flew a kite? Did you notice that when a kite is flying high it’s the tension from the string that keeps it up? If you cut the line, which is the restraining force, the kite would drop to the ground.
So it is with love. Restraint keeps love and relationships alive. At times we wonder why we shouldn’t give way to our raging hormones. The answer is that rules and restraints don’t restrict us, but actually increase our freedom. If you aren’t sexually active, consider the freedom your choices have already granted you. You are free from worry, regret, disease, pregnancy, complications, or taking on responsibilities you’re not ready for.
Here’s how Maisey from a California high school put it:
I’m not having sex right now. I believe that I should just wait until I get married. I don’t want to live my whole life wondering about an STD. I want to be free to do whatever I want to do. I have a friend. She’s had sexual intercourse, and she was worried about HIV or something. And I was like, “Wow. You’re so young and you’re already worried about that.” I don’t want to be worried about that, and I don’t want to be worried about having a kid and not being able to have fun.
When it comes to romance, unless you have a plan, anything can and usually does happen. Over 50 percent of senior girls who have had sex said it was something that just happened. Girls, I’ve got to single you out because most likely you’re the ones who are pressured by your boyfriends to say “yes” to sex or other stuff. Maybe you’ve already felt this pressure, and didn’t know what to say.
Well, I’ve got some good ammunition for you. Kristen Anderson, in her book The Truth about Sex by High School Senior Girls, gives you some smart comebacks to classic lines boys have used since the beginning of time to wear you down. These could also apply to guys getting pressured by girls.
LINE: “Come on, please? Let’s take our relationship to the next level.”
COMEBACK: “I think sex will ruin what we have going now, not make it better.”
“Explain why not? I don’t understand.”
“I just don�
��t want to.” (That’s all the explanation you need to give.)
“Maybe we should just break up until you grow up.”
“Maybe we should just break up until you grow up.”
“You’re going to wait until you’re married? I don’t know if I’ll ever get married.”
“That’s too bad ’cause then you’ll never get to have sex with me.”
“Of all the girls who like me, I picked you.”
“I think you have good taste.”
“You’ve had sex before. What’s the problem now?”
“The problem is I did something I regret now. I don’t want to go through that again.”
“Just relax and let go.”
(If you are tense or nervous, it’s for a reason. Your mind and body are trying to tell you something. Respect your intuition and call things off.)
“If you loved me, you’d do it.”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t pressure me.”
Whatever you do, don’t change your mind in the heat of the moment. A true lady or gentleman won’t ask you to do something you don’t want to do. Wait for the freedom.
Worth Waiting For
Below are two letters from teens who were willing to share their reasons for waiting.
To: Guys who think they have to have sex to be accepted
From: A guy who says no and is comfortable with it
When I entered high school, everyone knew that my mom was the sex education teacher in school, and so kids assumed I held the same beliefs she did. I have always been taught by my parents that my body is a temple and that sex is reserved for marriage. Besides that, the facts my mother has on STDs are terrifying and reason enough for me to keep my commitment to be abstinent until I get married.
After high school, I was offered a scholarship at Temple University to play soccer. Our team has a great group of guys, but I didn’t know anyone so I had to reestablish myself socially. At first, some of the people I got close to respected my beliefs, but didn’t know if I was serious about abstinence because they didn’t know anyone like me. But now, I have great friends with similar standards, and it’s good to associate with others that feel the same about sex before marriage.
I have had a few girlfriends and gone on many dates and never had a problem with sex because they knew of my feelings beforehand and respected them. We connected on different levels than just sex so I really got to know them well. Sometimes they have asked how I can abstain from sex. I always tell them that if you really believe in something, then you wouldn’t want to break your oath, would you? I look forward to marriage and raising a family with someone who I have saved myself for.
To: Girls who are feeling pressure to have sex
From: Sue Simmerman, a girl who’s been there
My decision not to have sex was not difficult in middle school, but when I entered high school it definitely became more of an issue. A lot more of my friends began having sex with older guys.
I had the same boyfriend from eighth grade all the way through high school, and my first year of college (five and a half years), so rather than saying no to a lot of people, I was just saying no to him. I must admit, I almost gave in a few times for the mere fact that I was SOOOOOO SICK of having the same conversation and argument over and over again.
Sometimes, out of frustration, I would finally say, “Fine, whatever. I’ll do it then!” But then I’d quickly think about it and say, “You know what? I’m not giving in to you and letting you ruin that experience for me since it will be out of sheer frustration that I’d be doing it!” Then I would apologize for my beliefs, which I hated doing and totally regretted afterward. Fortunately, I finally realized it was a very unhealthy, immature relationship and I found the courage to end it.
I am 19 years old now, and there is not a day when I have regretted my decision to stay abstinent. I’m actually happier with it as the years go by. I have a new boyfriend who completely respects my decision and doesn’t hassle me about it and we have a wonderful relationship.
If there is a girl out there who is struggling with the decision to remain abstinent or not, I would say from experience to hold true to what you want for yourself. If your friends or boyfriend don’t accept your decision or make fun of you, I know it’s a cliché, but they’re not your real friends anyway.
Here’s my list of advantages for waiting:
1 I can give the person I marry a gift that no one else will ever have.
2 I have escaped the emotional trauma that I’ve seen some of my friends go through because of having sex with different people and even being taken advantage of.
3 I escaped a bad reputation.
4 I have learned a tremendous amount of self-respect.
5 I have learned self-restraint.
6 I know that my decision is pleasing to God and my family and myself.
7 I have not had the worries that many of my friends and peers have had about pregnancy and disease.
The Domino Effect
Perhaps you’ve had multiple sexual partners. Perhaps you’ve been in an abusive relationship and lost your self-esteem. Maybe you’ve gotten pregnant or gotten someone pregnant. Now what?
Whatever you do, don’t be like a line of falling dominos, where one regret leads to another and another and another. Sometimes we think: “Well, it’s done. Who cares what happens now?” Just remember, one poor choice isn’t as bad as two or three. If you’ve done something you regret, stop the dominos from falling by taking control and not making another mistake.
Remember, today is not forever. The difficult situation you may be in now will get better if you go to work on it. Things change, people forgive, hearts can be made whole, and life can be good again.
See how Andrea Small stopped the dominos from continuing to fall in her life.
I became a mother of a little girl when I was only 15. By 16, we lived in a small downtown apartment and I was working to support us. I didn’t have even a year of high school education, but I spent tons of time at a local Barnes & Noble reading books on every subject. I got my GED and scored high on the SAT, so I enrolled in college, one year earlier than if I had remained in high school. A year later, I began at the University of Virginia.
I worked my way through college at a coffee shop with my daughter in day care. At night, she had to listen to me read from my Norton Anthology of English Literature instead of Goodnight Moon because I had to get my homework done!
Well, the years have gone by, and that little girl turns 14 soon and has been on the honor roll for every grading period of her entire life! She is now the oldest of four beautiful, brilliant children that are all succeeding in school.
I feel I have learned that you can’t live forever on one success or failure. You will always encounter new challenges, and life is never what you thought it would or should be. I’m just glad life isn’t boring.
I could go on with stories of teens who have turned around their lives after making a choice they regretted: an unwed mother who placed her baby for adoption to a loving couple because she wanted a better life for her child; an unwed father who married the girl he got pregnant and became a dedicated husband and father; and a sexually active teen who earned a bad reputation but did a sex-180 and took a totally different approach to relationships.
If you’ve been sexually active up to now and you’re starting to regret it, it’s never too late to wipe the slate clean and start over. Anthony Maher grew up in a home where his parents taught him about the importance of good values. “I knew at a very young age what was right and wrong concerning relationships,” says Anthony. “So when I was a freshman in high school, I made a halfhearted commitment to remaining sexually pure until marriage. I thought it would be easy. What I didn’t know was by continuing to surround myself with those that were sexually active I was setting myself up for failure.
“It was my senior year, and in one moment of bad judgment I lost something I will never get back again. Instantly, I knew I had let
myself down.”
At that point, Anthony made a commitment to what he calls “secondary virginity.” But this time he meant it. He’s now a 22-year-old professional soccer player who has remained true to his commitment.
“I’m no longer the 16-year-old high school student who thinks remaining a secondary virgin will be easy. Now, I feel I have a strong foundation that includes defining my commitment, surrounding myself with friends with similar values, and keeping on guard. I believe with all my heart that by doing this, I will provide myself with the best chance to have a great marriage and all that goes with it.”
TWU WUV
Here we are at the end of the chapter. I hope I haven’t offended you with my opinions and bluntness. My only wish has been to equip you for your quest for true love.
As for me, I’ve always struggled over making big decisions so I really wondered if I’d ever get married. Talk about a big decision! Then, in college, I met a girl I really liked named Rebecca.
To my utter surprise, I fell in love, made a decision, and got married. One of the best things was that before getting married we had a great dating relationship based on friendship and affection, not on passion. It made all the difference!
There are two roads to choose from. I hope you’ll choose the higher road by dating intelligently, treating sex and intimacy like it’s a big deal, and holding out for true love and commitment. I promise you that you’ll never regret it. Believe me, you don’t want to have your heart broken, you don’t want to feel used, you don’t want to be raising a kid when you’re still a kid, and you don’t want to tell your future fiancée, “Sorry, but I have this strange sexual disease I picked up my junior year. Oops!”