by Sean Covey
Be direct. If you have enough self-confidence, just tell them straight up. And don’t apologize. It might go something like this.
“You need to get your mind right. Hit this blunt.”
“No, thanks.”
“Oh, c’mon, man. It’s not going to hurt.”
“Maybe not, but I just don’t want to. I have my reasons. Is that cool with you?”
Use humor. Sometimes using a touch of humor can do the trick.
“Hey, try some of this. It’s really good.”
“No, thanks, I like my brain cells.”
Blame it on your parents. If you get in a tough situation, blame it on your strict parents. This is one of the better approaches.
“It’s your turn. Give it a try.”
“Nah, my parents would kill me.”
“Who’s going to tell them?”
“You don’t know my parents. They find out everything.”
Suggest an alternative. Some teens drink and do drugs because they’re bored and can’t think of anything better to do. So always have some handy alternatives ready to go.
“Here, take one.”
“Don’t we have something better to do?”
“Like what?”
“Let’s go see that new movie that just came out. I hear it’s good. I’ll drive.”
Get up and go. If you’re ever in a messy situation that just doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts and get away fast. Don’t worry about what they might think of you.
“Hey, where ya going?”
“I’ve gotta go. I’ll explain later. See ya.”
So many addicts have said, “If only I would have said no the first time, my life would be so different today.” Be strong that first time. Don’t tell yourself, “One time isn’t going to hurt me.” That’s what they all said. Never do once what you don’t want to do all the time.
LET YOUR REPUTATION SPEAK FOR ITSELF
If you don’t drink or do drugs, eventually your reputation will speak for itself and you won’t be invited into the circles or the parties of those that do. Consider this a compliment. And don’t worry; you’re not missing out on anything. You may even get made fun of from time to time, but you can handle it as did Josh Kennedy, a high school senior and an extraordinary musician.
One of my friends asked me if I wanted to go to this party. I said, “Yeah, I’d love to go.” Later, he said, “No, I don’t think you want to go.” So, I was uninvited. My friends know I don’t drink so they don’t invite me to parties where there is drinking. It was nice to know that maybe I was setting an example for him.
My faith is a big part of the reason for not drinking. Every once in a while, people make sarcastic comments about me not drinking. One girl calls me a wuss because I don’t go to parties. She thinks I’m missing out. But when I see what happens to these people; the hangovers, the casual sex, getting plastered and not even knowing how to get home, I don’t feel I’m missing out on anything. Besides, I really don’t care what they say.
DEFEATING AN ADDICTION
Perhaps you’re heading down the path of addiction. Maybe you’re already hooked. Whatever your situation, remember that it’s much easier to break an addiction now, while you’re still a teen, than it will be later.
Because drug addiction is a brain disease, it is difficult to overcome. Drug abuse literally changes the way your brain functions. Drugs impact your moods, alter your brain cells, change how you think, even affect the way you walk and talk. We’re talking major stuff here.
Some teens are able to quit cold turkey just by making up their minds. Others may be able to quit after one treatment at a rehab center. Many have to undergo extensive treatment or therapy over several years. Some are never able to conquer it.
My friend Phil, whom I told you about earlier, battled alcoholism for years. He’d go to a rehab center, make promises to himself, to others, become sober for a few months, and then, one night, drink himself into oblivion. He experienced a never-ending cycle of triumphs and crashes. At last, after losing everything and hitting rock bottom, he found the strength to try one more time. Using the 12-step process of Alcoholics Anonymous and through turning his life over to God, he was finally able to conquer his addiction, and has been sober for many years.
Today, Phil is happily remarried, at peace, and devoted to helping others overcome their addictions. However, he still considers himself an alcoholic; he knows he is only one drink away from returning to his old ways.
I’m no expert on overcoming addictions but some key principles include:
1. Admit it. Admit that you have a problem or are on the path toward having a problem.
2. Get help. Seek help from your parents, a good friend, a support group, or a counselor. Because drug abuse is such a widespread problem there are all kinds of treatments, programs, and support groups that can help. See the Help Desk for more. You’re so much better off if you don’t try to battle it alone. Amanda shared how she got hooked on drugs in an effort to rebel against her parents. Later she came to them for help. “When I was 17, I came to my parents on my own and told them I was addicted to drugs and the only way out for me was if I left the state for a while and got away from my friends.” Her parents were very supportive and made arrangements so she could live away for a while to get out of the bad environment. Later, Amanda returned, free of her addiction, and is now going to college.
3. Do it now. If you think you may have a problem, you probably do. Don’t procrastinate. It will only get harder the longer you wait.
The Turning Point
Above all else, if you’re ever confused about what to do, follow your conscience, that intuition or gut instinct inside you.
Curtis decided at a young age that he didn’t want to drink or do drugs. Week after week, he’d go with his friends to parties and was always the designated driver afterward.
Curtis recalls, “Most of the parties had big crowds. Even with all those people around, that was the loneliest time in my life. Those times would lead me to think there had to be something better for me. The parties got bigger, the drinking was heavy, and the cigarettes were traded in for marijuana and other drugs.”
Soon, Curtis gave in and began drinking too.
After a big blowup with his dad, Curtis ran away from home and moved in with his friends. One night he had a wake-up call.
“Me and my friend returned to the apartment one evening to find our friends and some others already drinking. They gave me a bottle. I took one drink and nearly threw up. I sat down and looked over the people there. At that moment thoughts began striking deep into my heart. I realized I wanted something great out of life. I knew the people in that room could not provide it. They could barely take care of themselves let alone understand, support, or love me.
“If I wanted to dream and believe again, I had to end the drinking. I had to get far away from these people. Even if I had to be on my own for the rest of my life, I would be better off. I wanted to be somebody.”
Curtis returned home the next day. He was afraid his dad would be angry. Instead, his dad cried for joy. Today Curtis and his dad are good friends and Curtis is on a new path.
Breaking the Cycle
Many teens who drink, smoke, or do drugs have parents and grandparents who did the same. It is a pattern that too often repeats itself. If this is the case, you have the opportunity to break the cycle and pass on good habits to your future children. What a great contribution this would be, not only to your future family, but to those who went before and were unable to kick the habit.
THE DRUG OF THE 21ST CENTURY
There’s another addiction we haven’t talked about yet: pornography. I call pornography a drug because it’s as addictive as cocaine. Just ask any porn addict or a therapist who works with them. I use the term of the 21st century because, although pornography has always been around in some form, it grew to full-fledged maturity with the rise of the internet in this century. A generation ago, porn was hard to g
et. Today, it comes to you.
Pornography is a hundred-billion-dollar industry and growing. The people who run it don’t care about you. They just want your money. They know it’s addictive and have found ways to entice you. Have you ever watched one of those nature films where a crocodile is hiding in a pond? The thirsty gazelle trots around the pond, afraid to get too close, while the vicious, one-ton croc waits silently below the surface. Eventually, the gazelle overcomes its fear, meanders to the pond, and begins drinking. Suddenly, the gaping jaws of the crocodile reach up and grab its prey, pulling it beneath the surface and eating it alive.
So it is with porn. If you get too close it will reach up, sink its teeth into you, and pull you down beneath its murky waters so fast you won’t even know what happened. It’s especially tempting for guys, even though girls are getting into it more and more.
Let’s take a closer look.
The Truth About PORNOGRAPHY
a.k.a.—porn, XXX, smut, adult entertainment
Did You Know?
Porn works just like a drug. Dr. Judith Reisman writes that pornography creates chemical reactions in your brain just like a drug does: “Viewing pornography triggers adrenaline and the production of testosterone, oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. It’s a drug cocktail you’re hit with.”
Porn is highly addictive. “Pornography is very, very addicting,” said Wes. “I’d rank it right up there with nicotine. I was hooked the moment I saw it!
“I became so engrossed that it was ruling my life! That was all I ever thought about. I shut out my family to be with the porn. I let my grades slip. At home I stashed it in my closet and then I’d do some homework, then look at porn some more until dinner.
“After dinner I’d watch movies with sex and nudity on cable until 3:00 A.M. I’d fall asleep and wake up at 6:00 A.M., look at more, go to school, and do it all over again. I was trapped and digging deeper and deeper. I didn’t know how to get out.
“Once, I got busted, but I went back to it a week later, lying to my mom, telling her I wasn’t using the computer anymore. That’s the power porn has over me. My advice is to stay as far away from pornography as you can.”
This addiction usually starts at a young age. Dr. Victor Cline, a clinical therapist who for 25 years has treated hundreds of men for pornography and sex addictions, said this: “I found that nearly all of my adult sexual addicts’ problems started with porn exposure in childhood or adolescence (eight years and older).”
The more you look at it, the more you’re going to want it, until, like Wes learned, it pretty much consumes your waking hours, your ambitions, your everything, just as if you were hooked on meth.
FAQs
Q: Isn’t looking at pornography normal?
A: No. There’s nothing normal about any kind of addictive material. One of the most abnormal aspects of porn is how it impacts relationships. It can cause you to start seeing people as objects for your own pleasure. It may ruin your relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends, because no one could ever live up to the perfect images on the computer screen, in magazines, or on TV. You’ll start to prefer cyber-relationships to real ones. It will change you into a person you are not, and, like a drug, lead you to do things you normally wouldn’t.
It also has an abnormal desensitizing effect. You’d never want to become so overstimulated through porn that you can no longer get turned on by little things, like holding hands, a simple kiss, the curve of her neck, or the line of his jaw. But that’s exactly what happens. “Labor to keep alive…that little spark of celestial fire, conscience,” or so said President George Washington. Nothing will squelch that spark faster than porn.
Q: What’s the harm in viewing pornography?
A: Many reliable studies and numerous experts in law enforcement and counseling will tell you that pornography is a significant contributing factor in child abuse, rape, violence against women, drug abuse, broken marriages, and broken lives. Dr. Cline cites four levels of pornography addiction: addiction, escalation, desensitization, and the last one, acting out.
Gene McConnell, the founder and president of Authentic Relationships, experienced all four levels. He was brave enough to share his story.
When Gene was six years old, he was sexually molested by a babysitter, and carried this secret with him for years. At the age of 12, he was exposed to pornography. He described the experience as a drug injection straight into his veins. He was immediately hooked. For the next several years, he got into heavier and more deviant forms of pornography.
Gene writes: “One day, I came upon a magazine that dealt with rape, torture, and abduction. I started fantasizing what it would be like to actually rape someone, and instead of getting the help I needed I kept silent until I had an opportunity to act upon what I had been reading and fantasizing about.
“I was headed to my car parked in a dark parking lot when I saw a young woman and I followed her to her car. I forced my way in with the intention of raping her, and I had my hands to her throat. But as I looked into her eyes I saw deep fear in them…I realized I was about to destroy another person’s life. It woke me up. I released her and said, ‘I am so sorry, please forgive me,’ and let her go.”
The girl managed to get Gene’s license plate as he walked in a daze to his car. Subsequently, Gene was sentenced to 45 days in jail for aggravated assault. He was glad, however, since this brought his problem to light. Today Gene is a changed person and is out and about speaking on the harmful nature of pornography addiction to youth and adults.
Ted Bundy, the serial killer who was eventually executed for his crimes, said this: “I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence, just like me. And, without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography.”
Two Wolves
One of the best books I was ever forced to read in school was Lord of the Flies, by William Golding. Perhaps you read it too. It’s the story of a bunch of boys who are marooned on an island after their plane crashes. No adults are present. Within a few days they begin taking sides and fighting with each other. Some of the boys remain civil, but many of them slowly turn savage. The story illustrates that all of us have two sides, the light and dark, the kind and brutal, the civil and savage, and it is our choice as to which side we will be on.
It reminds me of the fable of the two wolves.
“Grandson, I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One is the vengeful, angry, violent one and the other is the loving, compassionate one.”
“Grandfather, which wolf will win this fight going on in your heart?”
“Dear Grandson, only the one that I am willing to feed.”
That’s the way it works. If you feed your baser side by taking in all kinds of mental trash, the savage in you will grow stronger. As the philosopher Thomas Kuhn put it, “You can’t entertain the animal inside you without becoming fully animal.”
On the other hand, if you starve it, it will die. How do you do that? You feed the good wolf, instead. Fill your head full of movies, music, and images that entertain, inspire, and uplift you. Hang out with friends who bring out the best in you.
Pornography is a behavioral addiction as strong as cocaine. Avoid it. Be smart and self-aware. Throw it away or turn it off. Put your computer in the family room where everyone can see it, not in your bedroom. If you view porn with certain friends, don’t be alone with them. Tell them you’re becoming addicted and can’t look at it anymore.
If you are hooked, get help, just as you would with a drug addiction. Studies show that it is difficult to overcome on your own. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s normal or harmless or that boys will be boys. We all know better.
Pornography is usually viewed in secret. But that which is done in the dark will eventually be brought to light in the form of broken relationships, low self-esteem, and unfulfilled dreams.
ADDICTION FREE
There are so many other addictions we haven’t discussed, like screen addictio
n. The screens we’re talking about include the TV screen, computer screen, phone screen, movie screen, tablet screen, and more. And then there’s gambling, eating disorders, cutting, and other compulsive behaviors. Each of these can be very dangerous and can consume you. We could go on and on. But we don’t need to, because, the fact is, addictions are all the same. While I was researching this chapter I was shocked at how similar all of the stories were. They seemed to follow the same pattern, every time. These six steps were almost always present:
DESCENT INTO ADDICTION
1. There was something missing from their lives (low self-esteem, past trauma incident).
2. They started using gateway drugs, like tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana.
3. They started with these drugs at a young age.
4. They moved into heavier drugs.
5. They got addicted and their addiction consumed them.
6. They fought the addiction. Sometimes they won. Often the battle continued for life.
I’m convinced that if we could eliminate all of the addictions in the world it would double the wealth of the world overnight. I mean, just think about the amount of wasted time, money, and energy that is put toward coping with the terrible wake of addictions.
If you’re on the high road (no pun intended) and free of addictions of any kind, rejoice and be glad that you don’t have to deal with the baggage that goes with it. If you’re experimenting and haven’t made up your mind about the road you want to take, I hope you’ll consider what’s been said and put all your heart into staying clean. If you’re already hooked on something, please change course before it’s too late. It’s your call.