by Sean Covey
What can you do if it’s happening to you? Just ask anyone who has gone through it and survived. They’ll all tell you the same thing. Bridget from Joliet Township High School shared how she learned to cope with mean words.
In junior high, I wouldn’t stand up for myself very much. If someone told me, “I don’t like your shoes,” I wouldn’t say anything. I’d just sit there. Then I got into high school. I started hanging out with people that were a positive influence, like Michelle. She does not care what other people say about her. She is who she is. If you don’t like her, too bad. I learned you have to stand up for yourself and be confident in who you are. Now if somebody says, “I don’t like this about you,” I have nerve enough to stand up for myself and deal with it.
That’s smart counsel. In any case, if you knew how little time other people actually spend thinking about you, you wouldn’t care so much about what they think.
HOW CAN I GET OUT OF THIS DEPRESSION I’M IN?
Depression is such an overused word I get depressed even thinking about it. Just what does it mean?
The American Heritage Dictionary defines depression in two ways: 1. Low in spirits; dejected. 2. Suffering from psychological depression.
Rachel experienced the first kind, low in spirits.
My entire life right now stresses me out. I am always anxious, depressed, or agitated. It’s like my feelings won’t make up their mind! It really worries me because it affects the people I’m around sometimes. Like when I’m at home and I’m in a bad mood, I tend to take it out on my family, which isn’t right because it’s not their fault.
Everyone experiences this first kind of depression, the normal ups and downs of life, or what many call the blues. Lots of stuff can make us feel this way: you break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend, your parents announce you’re moving, or it’s Sunday night and you haven’t started your homework. Now, that’s depressing! But usually that feeling doesn’t last more than a few days.
The second kind of depression, when you suffer from psychological or clinical depression, is much more serious. And, despite what some ignorant people may think, it’s not something you can just wish away and it’s not a sign of personal weakness. This kind of depression is caused by stuff like the death of a friend or family member, loneliness, stress, sexual abuse, chemical imbalance, substance abuse, or family problems. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), the symptoms of this kind of depression include:
• Big changes in sleep, appetite, and energy
• Lack of interest in activities that were once a lot of fun
• Feelings of sadness, guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, and emptiness
• Regular thoughts of death or suicide
If you have any of these symptoms, please know that they can be treated successfully through counseling, nutrition, exercise, medicine, or a combination of any of these. Surprisingly, however, less than half of depressed people actually get help.
All of us get physically sick from time to time from a cold or the flu. Sometimes we go to a doctor and take medication. We talk openly about it and say things like “I feel awful.”
We can also get emotionally sick or depressed. Something terrible happens. The chemicals in our brain misfire. We lose hope. But unlike physical sickness, we don’t talk about the mental kind. There’s this stigma. We hesitate to go to a doctor or take medication, mistakenly thinking we can treat it ourselves. Mental health expert Sherri Wittwer summed it up well:
“There is no shame in having a mental illness.
Mental illness is no different than any other illness such as asthma or diabetes.
What we do know is that treatment works, recovery is possible, and there is hope.”
A courageous young guy named Jake Short, who suffered from a bipolar disorder, or manic depression, shared how his life was a living nightmare until he got treatment.
School was very hard for me from the beginning, and I struggled just to learn. I didn’t interact with any of the kids. One night in third grade, my parents were helping me write sentences for spelling words. I couldn’t do it no matter how hard I tried. I was so upset and anxious I just cried. Even though I was only eight, I ran away from home that cold, snowy night and wandered around for a long time. I finally was so cold I came home. My mom was crying and asked me what would make me feel better. I told her “just to be dead.” They knew then that something was really wrong with me.
This began years of being treated for different problems such as social phobias, ADD, severe anxiety, and depression. My life was full of therapy and medication.
In fifth grade and sixth grade, I started to get worse. I would run away from school, cut myself, and hide from everyone. I knew something was really wrong, but no one could help me. My parents were frantic. My doctor just kept upping my medication doses, and I would stay awake all night because I was so afraid to have to wake up and go to school. I still couldn’t do any homework and would cry and roll around on the floor holding my head yelling, “That black thing is in me again!”
Finally I was taken to a treatment facility, and my new psychiatrist correctly diagnosed me as bipolar. It was such a relief to finally know what was wrong with me all those years. He took me off all my meds and started me on new ones. After I had been on them for a while, I started to feel better and do better little by little. School was still a challenge, but it was bearable as I began to improve and get my life back.
I started to do things I’d never done before like speaking in front of people. When I was 13, I even spoke at the Capitol to the legislators where a bill was being debated on mental health. Because of my story, the bill passed. I will continue speaking out on mental health and doing whatever I can to help people like myself. My illness is no different than someone who has diabetes. My chemical imbalance is just in my head and theirs is in their pancreas.
If you have thought about suicide or wonder if it matters if you live or not, please listen to me:
There is someone out there who loves you. Please hold on for dear life. Things are never as dark as they seem. Talk with someone immediately and let them know how you’re feeling, in the same way you’d talk to them if you had a terrible flu. “I’m feeling really sick. Can you help me?”
Dido wrote a song about dealing with pain with a promise of hope to come. Here’s a part of it:
“I’m comin’ round to open the blinds
You can’t hide here any longer
You need to rinse those puffy eyes
You can’t last here any longer
And you probably don’t want to hear tomorrow’s another day
Well I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And you’re asking me why pain’s the only way to happiness
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again…”
SEE THE SUN
Words and Music by DIDO ARMSTRONG ©2003 WARNER/CHAPPELL MUSIC LTD (PRS)
All Rights Administered By WB MUSIC CORP. All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.
We could go on and on with all kinds of El Guapos, like dealing with the death of a family member, trying to rise above poverty, or coping with a major physical setback. But we won’t because the solution is usually the same for each of them.
ACRES OF DIAMONDS
Several years ago Russell Conwell gave a speech, “Acres of Diamonds,” in which he told the story of a farmer named Ali Hafed. Not being content with what he had, Ali sold his farm and left his family to look for diamonds. For the next several years, he wandered through Palestine and Europe until he reached the coast of Spain. Penniless, heartsick, and weary after years of searching, Ali drowned himself in the ocean. Later, it turns out that the farm he sold was the very site of Golconda, the greatest diamond mine in the history of the world. If Ali would have stayed home and dug in his own fields, he would have found acres of diamonds.
That’s how I feel about each and every one of you reading this book. I believe you have tons
of natural ability, acres of diamonds as it were, already within you, and that you don’t need to look anywhere else. Just dig in your own fields.
There’s a great scene from The Lion King that makes this same point. After Mufasa, the king of the forest, is killed, Simba, his son, is supposed to become the next king. But, feeling responsible for the death of his father, Simba runs away and spends the next several years goofing off with his irresponsible friends. Soon, he forgets his great responsibility and heritage. One night Simba sees his father, Mufasa, in a vision.
MUFASA: Simba, you have forgotten me.
SIMBA: No, how could I?
MUFASA: You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
SIMBA: How can I go back? I’m not who I used to be.
MUFASA: Remember who you are: you are my son and the one true king. Remember who you are. Remember. Remember. Remember…
I hope you too will remember who you really are. I hope you’ll remember the great things you’ve done in the past, like the times you’ve followed your heart, achieved a goal, or were extra nice to someone. I hope you’ll remember the dreams and hopes you have for the future. I hope you’ll remember that you’re part of the great human family, as well as part of a direct family.
When all is said and done, your family may be the best source of self-worth you have available. Perhaps you’re thinking, “Are you crazy? I can’t stand my siblings and my parents are always nagging me.” I admit that some families are dysfunctional, but most are pretty good. And even though your mother or sister may annoy you, they’re blood, and, in a life-and-death situation, they’d do anything for you. Latoya from Paterson, New Jersey, told me, “Sometimes boys make you feel like you’re special and you’re the only one they care about. A lot of girls feel like they need that. But my mother loves me and my father loves me, so there’s no gap to fill.”
Today, millions of people trace their pedigrees online using sites like Ancestry.com and MyHeritage.com. In the chart below, see if you can identify three generations of your ancestors. Put in your name first, followed by those of your parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. If you get stuck, ask your parents or grandparents for help.
How well do you know your lineage? Can you tell any stories about your grandparents or great-grandparents? What were they like as teens? I’ll bet each of you has someone in your lineage whom you can look to as a great role model.
Getting to know your extended family will give you a sense of identity, belonging, and worth. Like Simba, you will see that you are part of something much bigger than yourself. You will also see the great impact that one person can have for good and bad upon generations.
LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE
At the start of this chapter I quoted author Marianne Williamson. This is the second half of that quote.
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
Although some teens seem to have been born with a great deal of self-worth, most have to work at it. It may take years before you’ll get a sense of what you’re capable of doing. You don’t just wake up and say, “Wow. I’m glad I’m me.” But I promise you it will happen. Your true worth has nothing to do with your looks or popularity. It has everything to do with the fact that you’re a human being, a child of destiny, with amazing potential. No one is worth more or less than anyone else. We’re all equal and we’re all worth a ton! That’s why there’s never a need to compare yourself to a brother, sister, or friend, and feel inferior or superior. So what if you have braces, so what if you have acne, so what if you’re socially awkward. You’ll turn out just fine. Never let the social mirror strip you of your unique gifts, as R. Buckminster Fuller, the great inventor, warned:
“All children are born geniuses; 9,999 out of every 10,000 are swiftly, inadvertently degeniusized by grown-ups.”
How will you know if your self-worth is improving?
• You’ll worry less about what other people think of you.
• You’ll give more service.
• You’ll bounce back more quickly when you have a setback.
• You’ll feel more at peace.
• You’ll be happy for the successes of others, like Cody in this story.
Kiefer couldn’t wait to tell his friends! He had worked so hard for three years, and now he was named “All-State”! He couldn’t believe it! He held the newspaper in his hand where he found his name among the others and read it over and over just to make sure it was true.
Suddenly, his friend Brett grabbed it out of his hands. “Hey, is this the All-State team? Who made it from our school?” Kiefer smiled shyly, waiting for Brett to see his name.
“WHAT! You made All-State, Kiefer?” Brett asked, his face crunched up in disbelief. “Are they serious? Why’d they choose YOU?”
“I don’t know,” was all Kiefer could say, the smile gone from his face. He felt like an idiot and was deeply hurt by his friend’s response. He hadn’t expected that.
However, a few minutes later, Cody had just heard the news and exploded with excitement down the hall! “YEAH! ALL-STATE, Kiefer! That’s awesome! YOU DESERVE IT, MAN!” Cody picked Kiefer up and shook him, both of them with huge smiles. They celebrated as true friends, one genuinely happy for the other.
THE EVERY-DAY CHOICE
Remember, having self-worth is a choice you make every day. I read this in the Dear Harlan column of the Deseret Morning News:
Dear Harlan:
I’m a college junior who needs advice on how to handle being unattractive. I am overweight and have been working to lose that weight—with some success. I’ve got extensive stretch marks from being fat and acne (which I’m treating with help from a dermatologist). I have some acne scarring on my face and on my chest.
I have never been on a date. It would be nice to not be dismissed as a potential partner. How do I handle these feelings?
Signed, Mask-Wearer
Dear Mask-Wearer:
I did a little research this weekend (at the mall) and witnessed dozens of couples with bad skin, love handles, and stretch marks in love. The conclusion: stretch marks aren’t holding you back—it’s you! You’re so used to dismissing yourself that you never give anyone a chance.
Here’s how you turn this around: work to accumulate great qualities. Add one good quality each month (work out, get involved, volunteer, learn to listen, etc.). In 12 months you’ll have 12 more good qualities, and so on. The more good qualities you accumulate, the more you can smile about.
You are attractive. You are worthy of the best. Love yourself today—others will learn how to love you tomorrow and forever.
So, which road is it going to be, the high or the low? I’d recommend taking the high road by looking to the true mirror, building character and competence, and accepting yourself as a work in progress.
Building a healthy self-worth doesn’t mean you won’t ever get hurt or feel insecure. It simply means that you have a strong immune system that can fight the germs life sends your way. Be like a peach. Peaches are sweet and delicious on the outside, but have a solid pit on the inside. We shouldn’t be afraid to give and receive love, to be open and vulnerable. We may get hurt from time to time but we can deal with it, because we have a solid, unflappable core beneath, a core that can’t be broken.
I hope to see you on the high road soon!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
The final chapter is all about pirates and hobbits. (Weird combination, wouldn’t you say?) It’s also really short. Three more pages and you’re done. Congrats!
1. Make a copy of Audrey Hepbu
rn’s “Beauty Tips” and post it on your mirror.
2. The next time someone calls you a name, respond with “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” Be prepared to get smacked when you do this.
3. Make a list of your best talents and skills. Now add one more thing to that list you’d like to develop.
New talent or skill I want to develop:
* * *
* * *
* * *
4. The next time you mess up, try the four-fold principle. Make up for your mistake times four.
5. For five days in a row, do one small act of service for someone who needs it. Check the boxes as you complete them and watch how good you feel.
Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5
6. What is the most significant accomplishment of your life? Record how it made you feel when you accomplished it.
* * *
* * *
* * *
7. Hold a day of integrity. For one whole day, be totally honest in all your dealings. Don’t lie, cheat, exaggerate, or gossip. Keep all your commitments. See how whole it makes you feel.
8. Name five goals you have for the future.
1.
* * *
2.
* * *
3.
* * *
4.
* * *
5.
* * *
9. For three consecutive days, count how many servings of fruits and vegetables you eat. If you’re not getting five or more, make adjustments to your diet.