Running is good.
Running is better than trying to place a bet, even if it is only a small one in here. But the thrill of a bet seeps into my skin and I walk outside, looking for someone who will take a small bet. Something catches my eyes over in the far corner of the garden. Two men are sparring, both wearing protective gloves. It reminds me of Damon, and the sudden thrill to place a bet leaves my body. Sighing, I walk back to my room and give myself time to think on some things.
Things that will affect me from here on out. Damon will be a big part of that, if I have anything to do with it.
I stayed away from the laptop for the rest of the day and made sure I spent all of my time with Sam, until she walked out of that door. Her head was held up high and she smiled when she’d said goodbye to everyone. When it came to me, she’d hugged me, cried and told me to get myself sorted as she needed me on the outside with her.
I feel like I am replacing Olivia with Sam. Is that what I have been doing? Do I see Sam as someone who needed protection? Yes. We had connected as soon as I’d met her, but I definitely saw her as my best friend rather than my sister. Which was a good job because I was pretty sure she would be hooking up with my brother as soon as she escaped this place.
As soon as I’d woken up this morning, my eyes had darted to my laptop. I wasn’t sure why I’d ended our conversation so abruptly last night. Was it because I’d liked what he was doing? Hell fucking yes. But I had wanted to be the one with my hands on his toned body. I had wanted to feel his damp skin and hard cock. I wasn’t lying when I painted the picture of his cock in my throat, in my head. I wanted that more than anything.
Shit, I didn’t really know this guy. But why did that bother me? I’d had Sean with me for a week at my home, and all I knew was that his name was Sean, he was twenty-two and he worked in an office. So why was I so concerned about the fact that I didn’t really know Ford? I was turning into some sort of pussy. This place was making me go soft. Or was it him? How had he climbed his way into my thoughts so often?
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stretch my arms above my head. I scrape my hair on top of my head and climb out of bed. My cock is at full attention, poking out the top of my boxer briefs. I push it back in and a zing of arousal shoots through my body. Shit, I need to get rid of this before I leave my room.
I sit in the wooden chair at my desk and turn the computer on. I click on the envelope to open my emails. I was secretly hoping to hear from Sam already, but I knew it was probably a long shot.
My blood freezes and my cock shrivels up when I see who I’ve had an email from. Flynn Noble.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Message:
Damon, I’m going to say this once and only once, man. I am sorry for what happened to Olivia. She was… Is still my entire world. I love her with all my heart. I lost a lot that night. Not only my fiancée - yes, she had just agreed to marry me - but also my child. She was carrying my baby. My whole world imploded when she died. The van that hit us came out of nowhere. I tried to swerve the car, so she wouldn’t get the full impact, but I wasn’t quick enough. So, if you want to blame me for that then so be it.
I have worked fucking hard with a counsellor over the last six months to finally let her rest in peace. She wouldn’t want us fighting like this, man. She would want us both to carry on with our lives and be happy.
I’ve had a lot of physical therapy after you messed my body up, but it didn’t hurt half as much as losing my two loves. I’ll never get over her and I’ll never forgive myself for not protecting her and my baby.
If we come up against each other in the cage, I’ll forfeit out of respect to you.
Don’t let the grief ruin your chances of a happy life. Talk about her often. Remember her as she would want to be remembered.
Come back fighting. Sooner rather than later.
Heal and bring your A game.
Noble
Fuck, that was some heavy shit. I run my hand over my face and realise that I’m almost sporting a fucking beard. I need to sort my life out. I can’t hold on to this rage and grief any longer. Seeing the words he wrote about Olivia, made my heart race. The feeling of losing her and now learning that my niece or nephew was gone also, has the rage building again. Olivia's sweet face pops into my head, cooling the rage. I nod my head in understanding.
It is time to heal.
Who knew that the words from the one person I hated with everything I had would be the ones to give me the kick up the arse I needed. Maybe he was good for my baby sister.
I click on the Hi-Talk button. It’s time to come clean to someone else.
I read over the message he sent me.
Ford18: Hey. I don’t know what the fuck happened for you to fuck off on me. Maybe I said something or did something to make you pissed at me, but whatever. You need to deal with the anger issues you have with your parents and the knobhead that killed your sister. Maybe see if your centre has a grief counsellor that you can talk to. You need to talk it out, man.
I hit the reply button.
HotHeadV: I am going to sort my shit out. I’m booking in with the grief counsellor today. Sorry for fucking off like that. I needed to see Sam.
I wait for a reply, but nothing comes, so I continue with what I want to say.
HotHeadV: Also… Here goes. I like you, man. You're easy to talk to you. I feel a connection between us and I’d love for us to explore this more. But I can’t go back in the closet. I can’t hide who I am. Everyone already knows who I am. I’m kind of a big deal. ;) Can you handle that?
I send the message and wait again. Nothing. No reply. This is frustrating. I grab the welcome file and find the office number for the grief counsellor that works with this facility. I make an appointment for someone to come and see me this afternoon. I already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
“This is great, Damon. You’re doing great.” Dr. Alexandra smiles at me. She is in her late sixties, with greying hair, and is wearing a navy pencil skirt, grey blouse and a matching navy jacket.
“One of the most difficult things I struggle with is not seeing her every day.” I scrub my hand over my now clean-shaven face. It had been time for the beard to go. It had been getting itchy and irritable.
I am sitting on a two-seater, dark brown, jumbo cord sofa. It is comfy as hell as I slouch back into it. The doctor is sitting across from me in a tall-backed single chair.
“Have you been visiting her grave?”
“No, I haven’t been back since the funeral. I just can’t bring myself to see her name on that headstone.”
“You need somewhere you can talk to her. Maybe, once a month, buy a bouquet of her favourite flowers and put them somewhere in your home. Sit and talk to her, or just think about the wonderful memories you have of her.”
“Okay, I’ll give that a try.”
“Now, tell me what you’re feeling right now.”
I sit forward, pull the tie out of my hair and scrape it back up on to the top of my head.
“If I’m honest, a bit of relief. I know I need to let her go. I know I need to grieve for her. I guess I just needed someone to tell me that it was ok to let her go. That I’m not doing the wrong thing. I just miss her so much.”
“You have shown a great amount of strength and improvement since I’ve been sitting with you for the last…” she pauses to look at the clock on the wall behind me, “nearly two hours. Many people don’t get to this point until after several sessions. I think you knew what you needed to do. You just needed that little bit of extra help.”
“Thank you so much, Dr. Alexandra. You’ve been a great help.”
“What I suggest you do now is talk about her often to those that you love and hold close to you. Even write a journal about her, about your memories with her. One day you’ll look back over them and all you’ll do is smile. No more tears.” She holds out a box of tissue
s for me, and that’s when I realise that I have, in fact, been crying. I don’t even remember crying at her funeral, only being full of anger.
“Thank you.” I climb to my feet and hold out my hand to shake hers. I leave with a small smile on my face.
I bump into Will as I exit the room.
“Hi, how did it go?” He nods to the door behind me.
“Yeah, good.” I glance at my watch. “I gotta get going. Zara’s yoga class starts in ten minutes.” As I start to walk away, I hear him chuckle. “What’s funny?” I ask, looking at him over my shoulder.
“I never thought I’d see the day you would voluntarily go to a yoga class. Great progress, man. You’ll be out of here before you know it.”
Out of here before I know it. That sounded pretty great to me.
Doctor Wilks had told me that my brother and sister-in-law are coming to visit today. It feels like ages since I have seen them. I want to make my brother proud of me again. I still haven’t spoken to Damon. It has been three days. I’d thrown myself into running and hitting the swimming pool. I need to keep my cardio up for when I can play again.
I have the laptop open and have read and re-read Damon’s messages. Talk about a punch to the gut.
HotHeadV: I am going to sort my shit out. I’m booking in with the grief counsellor today. Sorry for fucking off like that. I needed to see Sam.
HotHeadV: Also… Here goes. I like you, man. You make it easy to talk to you. I feel a connection between us and I’d love for us to explore this more. But I can’t go back in the closet. I can’t hide who I am. Everyone already knows who I am. I’m kind of a big deal. ;) Can you handle that?
I tap my fingers on the desk, trying to figure out how to reply. Can I handle being out? Having people know that I am gay? If you had asked me a few weeks ago, then I would have said no. But now… maybe.
I flick my eyes over the words again. He fucking likes me. My stomach flutters at the thought of us being together, as in a couple. Two men in the sports world being a gay couple. My heart pinches at the negative crap we might endure. I shake my head. The thought of not seeing or hearing from Damon once I leave this place makes my chest tighten. And suddenly I know what I need to do.
Ford18: Hey, sorry I haven’t replied for a few days, but I needed to sort some things out. Okay, I am going to be blunt here, man. I needed you and you weren’t there. When you left our video chat, the urge to place a bet came back with force, and it was only you I wanted to speak to, but you’d fucked off. I ended up running and swimming until my body couldn’t take much more.
I lean back in my seat and crack my knuckles. I wasn’t lying about what I’d just told him. I’d needed to talk to him, but he’d walked away with that fucking Sam person, and yet again my stubbornness came through. It was that issue that had made me not reply straight away.
Ford18: With that being said, I agree with you. Talking to you is easy, and shit, I like you too. Really fucking like you. But can we really start something when we haven’t even met face-to-face and are miles apart? I would never expect you to hide who you are. Maybe you can help me get a handle on my issues and give me the strength to come out. Publicly.
I have to go and see my family that are visiting. I will see if you are online later.
I shut down my laptop and grab a long-sleeved top off the bed, before leaving my room. I pull it over my head as I walk to the ‘Visitation room’. The door is open, and I see Nick and Violet sitting on the couch talking to Spencer. I smile and enter the room. Seeing my family makes me realise how much I have missed them.
“Hey, fucker, and Violet.” Violet lets out a screech and runs at me, climbing my body like a tiny spider monkey. I hug her tightly. God, I have missed my sister-in-law.
“I missed you so much,” she whispers into my neck. I squeeze her once more before setting her down on her feet. I managed to get a breath in before Nick has me wrapped in his big arms in a crushing bear hug.
“Bro. Can’t. Breathe.” I push out. Nick lets me go and steps back but keeps his hands on my shoulders while he looks me over. He smiles and nods his head before stepping back.
“God, it is so good to see you, brother. You look good. Healthy.”
“Nick, I am in here for a gambling addiction, not drugs. I have always been healthy,” I reply.
“I know that, ya dick, but you are still looking good.”
“I have always looked good.” I wink at Spencer and he smiles at me. Violet’s head snaps between us, but I beat her to her questions.
“Not what you are thinking, Violet. But I will explain everything by the time you leave.” She gives me a puzzled look and I just wink at her.
“Do you want to stay in here or go out to the garden?” Spencer asks. I look at my brother and sister-in-law.
“What do you guys want to do?”
“Outside,” Violet decides. I nod my head and lead them out of the room, my family hot on my heels. I see Cleo sitting under her tree with her sketch pad resting on her knees. She lifts her head, offering me a faint smile, and I wink at her, making her blush.
“Who is that?” Nick asks.
“Are you behaving in here, Ford?” Violet chimes in, looking over at Cleo. I snap my head in her direction feeling a lash of anger down my spine at her question.
“Really, Vi? Not only is she way too fucking young for me, but I see Cleo as a little sister.” My little outburst shocks her. I’ve never raised my voice to her. Ever.
“I’m sorry, Ford. It was the look she gave you, and you made her blush when you winked at her. It looked like flirting to me. I’m sorry.” She looks down at her feet, not meeting my eyes. Fuck, I can see how upset she is. I step up to her and pull her into my arms, holding her tight. I don’t want to be mad at her, but her question pissed me off.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you, Vi. Cleo is very special to me. Come and sit down so we can talk, okay?” She nods her head against my chest and I pull her towards the wooden picnic benches. Nick and Spencer take the other side of the table. Spencer gives me an encouraging nod for me to start. I know that I need to get this off my chest, but I also need to deal with how upset Violet will be when she realises that both Nick and I kept this big part of me from her.
“How have things been in here?” Nick asks, breaking the silence between us.
“Things have been good. I have been working out like crazy, keeping my cardio up. Missing the game, ya know.” He nods his head. “I have been talking about some other shit that has been messing with my head. The doc has been helping a shit load. She is pretty cool.” I take a deep breath and start the conversation that I am hoping won’t end with my sister-in-law hating me.
“I am taking part in a buddy-system type thing, where I am talking to someone who is in a different rehab. My guy is Damon and he is a fighter. I have told him things about me that not many people know, including you, Violet.” I look at her this time, making sure she sees how sorry I am for keeping this from her.
“What things? Does Nick know?” I nod my head and answer her.
“Nick knows, yes, but before you go ape shit, he kept the secret because I asked him to. I needed to come to terms with it before I went public.”
“It can’t be that bad, Ford.” I take a deep breath and give it to her straight.
“I’m gay, Vi. I have been for years. Nick has always known because he caught me in a very compromising position, so to speak.” Nick chuckles.
“And let me tell you, that image was burned into my brain for years after.” Violet sits there staring at me, not blinking or moving. Seconds tick by and dread sinks into my stomach. I turn and look at Spencer, who seems just as nervous as me. He knows that if Violet won’t except me, then it will set me back. I hate disappointing her.
“Are you serious?” she asks. My gaze snaps to her and I can see that she is fighting a smile. I nod my head, not quite sure how to respond. “Aww, babe.” Violet wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me closer. Her warmth wraps arou
nd me like a blanket, and my shoulders sag in relief. Tears sting my eyes, but I squeeze them shut to stop them falling. I am a man, for fucks sake. We don’t show our emotions. However, she is making that hard for me as she so lovingly accepts who I am.
We sit, chat and enjoy our time here together before they announce that they have to drive home. Nick told me that my mum is under the weather at the moment. That’s why she hadn’t come with them. But she wants to come for the next visit. I tell them about Damon, and my brother gags, like a muppet that he is, but Violet claps her hands like a hyped-up baby seal. She demands that I bring him around for dinner when we have finished meeting face-to-face and shagging each other’s brains out. And yes, she really did say that to me.
God, I love my family.
Ford and I had spent the entire week both starting and finishing our days with a video chat. I love seeing him propped up in bed, bare-chested, smiling back at me. This is strange for me. I had only ever had a couple of relationships, and they’d all started off with a quick fuck and went from there. I haven’t even seen this guy’s cock yet. If it is in proportion with his body, then I won’t be disappointed.
I grab the laptop off the floor, open it up and click on the video chat button. I love waking up to Ford every morning. I just wish that he was physically beside me.
I reckon most people think they know me as a tough guy, as a fighter. But I have a real soft side, especially for those I care about. I love to fuck, but I also like to hold my man against me too. To fall asleep wrapped around each other. Life is always better when you have that one person next to you. The one person that makes your life complete. I was really happy, and at the same time worried, that Ford was that person for me. Would it all be too much for him? Had he had a relationship with a man, or just a fuck buddy?
Defeating the Odds Page 10