by Isla Gordon
‘It’s about a week from now,’ answered David, topping her up. ‘But you’ll start to see people out there from tomorrow or the next day. Instructors getting in a few runs before all the tourists turn up.’
‘It’s so amazing up in the mountains when the runs are really clear,’ Marco enthused. ‘You feel on top of the world.’
‘Did you say you’ve never been skiing or snowboarding before?’ asked Lola, and Alice shook her head. ‘You’re going to have a go while you’re here, though, right?’
‘Um . . . ’
‘Ah mate, you have to. I’ll take you out, we’ll make a day of it.’
Marco drained the pasta. ‘She is a really fun instructor, and you will only break like, three bones maximum.’
Lola swiped him with a tea towel and as a group they continued cooking up the hearty dinner. For Alice, it felt nice to not be in charge. She’d been a dog mum for three months and was always making the decisions and figuring it out, but this evening she was relaxing into the position of guest. And she felt most relaxed because she wasn’t made to feel like a guest, she was made to feel like family.
At the table, with the rich aromas of tomato sauce, red wine and garlic baguettes, and the soundtrack of Bear snuffling his way around the table seeing who would likely be most susceptible to his puppy dog eyes, Marco asked, ‘Alice, how do you know Vanessa?’
‘We met travelling, years ago now, just after university. Another friend and I took a trip around the world and we were on a tour of South America with Vanessa. She was travelling alone, so the three of us ended up hanging out together for a couple of months. We’ve always kept in touch but I haven’t seen her in person since then. Vanessa’s really nice, though, the type of person who you don’t feel like you’ve drifted apart from.’
‘Yeah, David thinks so too.’ Marco snuck a look at his friend.
‘Okay okay, yes, it is the worst kept secret in Switzerland that Vanessa is my dream wife,’ David answered. ‘Everybody knows this.’
‘Except for her.’ added Marco.
Noah snuck a piece of pasta for Bear. ‘Well, you say that, but maybe this is why she’s gone for all of winter, yes?’
David laughed, good-naturedly. ‘This could be true.’
‘Where did you go in South America?’ Lola asked.
It was hard for Alice to think about her year travelling without thinking about Jill, but she couldn’t stay silent, and as topics went, something that happened ten years ago would be easier to talk about than something that happened three months ago. She would just keep it factual. She wouldn’t think about things like how Jill had spilled her can of cola inside her sleeping bag on the night bus right at the start of a twelve-hour journey across Peru, causing them both to erupt into tear-inducing laughter every time they nearly, finally, were drifting off to sleep. She gulped, pushing that thought and any others like it back.
‘We went from Peru, through Bolivia and into Brazil, ending in Rio. It was amazing. The whole trip was just, well, probably the best year of my life.’
In Rio, Jill had coaxed them both into joining a volleyball game on Copacabana beach, their big British bottoms bouncing happily among the toned, be-thonged Brazilian butts. She had made friends so easily.
‘It was actually my friend Jill who saw that Vanessa was about to eat breakfast alone the first morning of the tour.’ She said her name, she couldn’t help it, and although it made her heart skip and a lump form in her tummy, it wasn’t entirely awful. She tried it again. ‘Jill went straight over to her, made some joke about dulce de leche, and next thing we knew Vanessa was sharing our room most nights, with her single room being used as the . . . staging area when we were getting ready to go out.’ That wasn’t quite true. The single room was the room they used if any of them met a holiday romance, but that was between Vanessa, Alice and Jill, she thought with a smile that came onto her face unexpectedly.
‘We’ve known Vanessa for, what, three, four years now?’ Marco posed the question to the group. ‘As long as we’ve known her she’s lived alone here, really independent. We’re here like a pack of puppies and she’s travelling the world on her own, having adventures on her own. It’s actually really admirable, you know?’
The others agreed, and David said, ‘She’s always seemed so good at putting herself out there and going for what she wants to do. Living her life. It’s cool.’
‘You seem really like her,’ Lola said, topping up Alice’s wine.
‘Oh no, I’m not very adventurous or brave.’ Well, that wasn’t strictly true. Somewhere, sometime ago, she was pretty adventurous and open to trying new things.
Lola shrugged. ‘You came out here on your own, with a dog, to live in a new country for six months. I think that’s cool as.’
‘Vanessa should be back next weekend, just for a couple of days,’ Alice said. ‘I bet she’s looking forward to seeing you all. When do you all start work?’
Noah and Lola searched each other’s faces, as if the answers were in there somewhere. Alice thought not for the first time how connected the two of them seemed, so interwoven, the threads of their lives were tight together.
Noah answered first. ‘Probably next weekend. It sounds crazy, but there’s no official “start” day, it’s just when the tourists come. The ski lift will have been operating from today because all the instructors and the mountain rescue crews need to warm up and check on the surroundings.’
Lola nodded. ‘It’s likely our first lesson bookings will be next weekend, but we might be called upon for ad-hoc private lessons before then, if anyone arrives early. Oh, you know what we should try and do this week?’ She clapped her hands which made Bear jump to attention. Lola laughed and stroked the top of his head. ‘Let’s go to the hot springs, before all the tourists arrive.’
The others all agreed heartily, and Lola added, ‘You too, Alice.’
‘Where are the hot springs?’ she asked, saddened that her first reaction, in the privacy of her own mind, was to try and think up an excuse not to.
‘It’s a little bit of a drive, but there’s this gorgeous great big hotel with these different thermal pools dotted outside, it’s absolutely luscious. I know the owner from way back when we worked together at a hot springs joint in New Zealand, and he’ll let us in before they’re officially open, if I ask him.’
‘Alice, these pools are so warm it’s like a hug from a Bernese Mountain Dog,’ Marco enthused, his eyes sparkling. ‘Seriously, you should come along.’
It all just sounded very sociable, Alice told herself. But then, was that actually a problem, or was she just telling herself it was a problem? ‘What do you wear in a thermal pool?’ she asked, realising it was a stupid question as soon as she’d asked it, but she was buying time.
‘Just your swimmies,’ Lola answered.
Alice thought of her leg and its war wound and the questions it would raise. ‘I think I’ll have to give it a miss, I don’t know anyone else here that could look after Bear.’
‘Well, let me talk to my friend first, eh? See what day he can open up for us. It might be that one of us won’t be able to make it anyway, or maybe my mate could look after him at the hotel.’ Lola glanced at Alice while she got up to make a pot of coffee. ‘Your choice though, of course,’ she added, a gentleness in her voice. ‘Whatever you want to do.’
What she wanted to do was be brave. She wanted to force the constant voices out of her head and step back into the world, scars and all. Maybe she just needed to go for it, to dip into the water, one toe at a time.
Chapter 24
Two mornings later, Alice was leaving the chalet to take Bear for his morning walk. She was chattering away to him like she usually did, unaware that Mürren was coming to life in front of her. It was only when somebody whooshed past her on a pair of skis, wearing a hot-pink onesie ski suit, that she looked up.
The vista was like the opening shot of an old Hollywood movie – big wide mountain landscapes and vibrant techni-co
loured people gliding and whizzing and laughing as they sprinkled themselves against the white snow. The ski lift was flowing up and down the mountain, relaxed in the morning sun, and the doors of the shops and restaurants in the village were open wide.
‘Alice,’ Marco called, leaning out of his house wearing just salopettes and a T-shirt.
Bear turned and saw him, dragging Alice with him to his door.
‘Where did all these people come from?’ she asked, noticing his toned arms and wondering how they weren’t more goosepimpled.
‘This is nothing, all these people are just resort staff and some early birds. Wait until the weekend!’
‘Marco, huustür!’ a voice shouted from within.
‘Oops.’ Marco chuckled and stepped out into the snow, shutting the door behind him. He was wearing boots at least, but Alice couldn’t stop thinking about how cold those bare arms must be. ‘That was my brother. I always leave doors open and let the cold in.’
‘Are you not cold now? Not very very freezing? Because we’re on a mountain at the moment, you know.’
‘No, I’m fine, I just wanted to catch you quickly. And if I get cold –’ he turned to Bear, ‘– I’ll catch you.’ Marco reached his arms down and wrapped them around Bear’s warm body. Bear responded by tilting his head back and trying to lick up Marco’s nose.
Alice caught herself smiling at Marco. Their new friend.
‘Anyway,’ Marco said, standing and wiping his face. Bear settled down, sitting his bottom on Marco’s feet. ‘What are you doing today?’
‘Oh, well . . . ’ She wasn’t sure ‘finishing my racy novel’ was going to cut it.
‘Because Lola managed to get the thermal springs guy to open up for us, we can go this morning.’
‘Right, wow, but I have Bear to look after.’
‘Well, David can’t come today, he has a private lesson booked at eleven o’clock. It is just a one-hour taster lesson, but it’s a client who is very rich and David is hoping it’ll lead to more! So he says he’ll look after Bear for you, just drop him over at ours when you’re ready. He’ll be okay for an hour while David is out, right?’
‘Um . . . ’ She didn’t know. She didn’t know if Bear would be okay in a different house, with a new person. She didn’t know if he’d miss her or whine for her. She didn’t know if David would dog-nap him and she’d never see these big brown eyes again. ‘Um . . . ’
Marco’s excited voice softened. ‘Hey, I promise he’s in good hands with David. I promise.’
She believed him. But she still didn’t know if she was ready to be in her swimmies in front of these virtual strangers.
‘I shouldn’t be putting you on the spot,’ he said. ‘My bad! Why don’t you have a think about this, and if you want to, come by with Bear a little before ten. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ she replied.
Marco opened the door to duck back inside, but leaned back out at the last minute and poked at her arm through the fabric of her snow coat. ‘Lovely warm water giving you a hug,’ he persuaded in his sing-song voice. ‘Hot chocolate in the pool . . . ’
Alice laughed, and from inside the house Noah shouted, ‘Huustür!’
Alice continued down the slope, her mind arguing with itself. I know I don’t have to go. I don’t have to do anything.
Bear paused to make some yellow snow and Alice looked at the snowshoe train that threaded off into the trees to her left. She should do that at some point. Shouldn’t I go for it, if even the smallest part of me wants to?
They turned right instead and walked the long way around the lower part of the village, the mountain range across the valley on one side of her and Mürren sweeping upwards on the other. Her footsteps made creaking, squeaking sounds in the snow, that were drowned out momentarily when a small golf-cart thing, the only vehicle she’d seen in the village, zoomed by, the name of one of the hotels stencilled on the side. Inside the cart were two men clutching skis and laughing their heads off.
What’s my problem? This is a fun thing to do with nice people, and if they stare at my scar that says more about them than it does about me.
As the walk drew to a close and Alice was walking back up the last stretch to her chalet, she couldn’t shake the desire to build on this new friendship. She was lonely, and that part of her was winning over the fearful part. She looked at the chalet beyond hers and it was clear how much she needed this.
Back inside she stamped the snow off the soles of her boots and rubbed Bear’s legs with a towel and said to him: ‘I want to go today, Bear. But what about you? We’ve only been here a week. No, I shouldn’t leave you with a stranger. I can’t explain to you that I’ll be back soon and that it’s all going to be okay; you won’t know that I haven’t gone for ever. I should stay.’
Bear sank down on to the ground, sensing he was settling in for the long haul.
‘But if I don’t go I’m not choosing happy. I’m just waiting around, and what am I waiting for? I’m allowed to do nice things.’ But even as she tried to persuade herself it was true, her voice wavered, thinking about Jill.
She would go. It scared her, and made her feel vulnerable as hell, and she didn’t know how she would explain her scar. But if she could be around these nice people for a few hours, without her comfort blanket, then maybe she could handle . . . who knows what else?
She didn’t know how to say it out loud, because ‘I’m glad I came’ wouldn’t have expressed the deep, emotional gratitude she was feeling now for the comfort of this warm, enveloping water. The pools were large and calm, and after arriving at the hotel Alice had changed into her costume and raced outside so quickly she’d already been bathing a full two minutes before the others began appearing.
It really did feel like a hug, but one where she could still open her arms wide and tilt her face to the sun, and breathe.
Alice kept her relaxed, eyes closed, body turned away position while the others got into the water, in an unconscious message that she’d like them to offer the same respect to her when she got out.
‘Alice, you look like some serene ethereal being,’ said Lola, her voice warm, as she glided past Alice. ‘Isn’t this gorgeous?’
‘It’s . . . exactly what I needed,’ Alice replied.
Lola made an ‘mmmm’ sound as she tilted her hair back into the pool. ‘Me too. People love coming here after they’ve had a few days on the slopes because it feels so good on the muscles, but I like to come here at the start of the season, before anything, as close as possible to my arrival date. It just washes away the real world, you know?’
‘Yeah, I do know.’
‘I have a problem sometimes with anxiety, and when I’m in cities I feel really pressured and claustrophobic – sorry Alice, do you mind me telling you this?’ Lola stopped swishing her hair in the water and looked Alice right in the eye, her mascara running. ‘I know you live in London – I hope you don’t think I’m being insulting?’
‘Not at all, I think it’s nice that you’re telling me.’ That didn’t feel quite like the right turn of phrase, but Alice was distracted by how open and honest this woman was with her, and how at ease she seemed.
‘All right, tell me to shut it though, if you’re thinking “Christ she talks about herself a lot”. Anyway, so I feel like that and it’s all a bit blah, and then I like to come here and do this; watch, come and do this with me.’
Lola swam to the edge of the pool, so there was only the natural stone edge of the pool separating them from the view of the Bernese Alps, in all their splendour. Once there she crouched, so just her nose and eyes were above the water, and she blinked at Alice until she did the same. Lola then motioned for them both to turn and face the view.
Alice wasn’t sure what they were doing, but she went along with it, and soon realised this was the point: they were doing nothing except letting time elapse.
After a few minutes Lola lifted her head. ‘Doing that makes me feel cleansed and not anxious any more. It reminds me it�
�s okay, I’m here, and there’s a big sky and loads of room for everyone.’ She laughed. ‘Bet you think I’m bonkers.’
‘Not at all.’ Alice returned her laugh.
‘You guys,’ Marco interrupted them. ‘Alice, what do you think?’
‘I think I want to stay here all winter.’
‘Yay, you like it! We’re going to move up to the second pool, it’s basically the same thing but a little tiny bit warmer. Are you coming?’
‘Sure!’ Lola answered, and all three of them were already standing and making their way up the steps.
Alice looked around for her towel but it was on the other side of the pool. She swam towards it, the water drifting past her like warm silk, and climbed out, wrapping it around her waist to cover her legs completely. By this time, the rest of them were already wading into the next pool, whooping with delight at the temperature, which was only a few degrees warmer than the previous, but made all the more delicious because of the brief interlude back in the snow.
Alice reached the edge of the pool, and hesitated, self-conscious. They weren’t staring up at her, in fact both Lola and Noah were already floating on their backs with their eyes closed. But she still felt exposed and open to scrutiny in a way she hadn’t felt since she’d lain in the hospital bed.
No one’s looking, she told herself, do it now.
She dropped the towel, leaving it messily on the side of the pool where it would probably get very damp and very cold, very quickly. And rushed down the steps. Marco looked up and straight at her left leg.
‘Hey, that’s a big scar!’ he commented, eyes wide. ‘You fought off a shark or something?’
Lola’s eyes flew open. ‘Marco, you idiot, don’t you know not to ever comment on a woman’s body when she’s in a swimsuit? You’ve embarrassed her!’
Alice crouched into the water, the warmth lapping around her ears sounding like a reassuring voice, and the thought crossed through her that actually she didn’t care what she looked like in a swimsuit any more. Life felt too short to be worrying about tiger stripes of cellulite or the violet patterns of thread veins. The only reason she didn’t want her body on show was because with the scar came questions. And with questions came memories that pick-axed their way through her calm shell of protection.