by Zoey Derrick
The second our hands make a connection, my heart beats three times really fast. Okay, maybe calms is the wrong word.
We lock gazes. He lifts one eyebrow, then, as if to experiment, he pulls his hand away. My heart rate slows way down for a couple of beats before resuming a normal rhythm.
"What in the world?" I hear Dr. Alston say.
I look at Mikah. He’s smiling like a Cheshire cat.
"Watch," he says.
Once the doctor’s attention is fixed on us, he reaches for my hand again. Again my heart beats three times in rapid succession. Then he pulls his hand away, and my heart misses a beat, speeds up for a few seconds and then goes back to normal. Next to me, Mikah chuckles, causing me to smile.
"That is the strangest, most bizarre thing I've ever seen," Dr. Alston says, looking at me. "Well then, shall we?" She pulls on a pair of examination gloves.
I nod, but my heart rate increases again. I want her to turn it off so my emotions aren’t so obvious, but at the same time I find strange comfort in being able to hear the reaction my heart has to him. I suddenly wish Mikah was attached to it, too. I’m curious whether I have the same effect on him.
"I'm going to keep you covered, but I need to lift your gown." I nod as Mikah lays the bed back down. "That's good," Dr. Alston says, and the bed comes to a stop.
I can still see everything she is doing. She pulls the blanket down and then gently slides it under my gown to cover my pubic area. Once the blanket is in place, she lifts the gown, bringing it to rest just under my breasts. Next to me, Mikah gasps.
"When was your last period, Vivienne?" the doctor asks, completely calm.
"Um, I don't know. Late June or early July. I discovered in August I was pregnant. The morning before I was here last."
Mikah's hand tightens against mine and his body goes rigid. He is no doubt contemplating the significance of that last statement.
"Okay, and if I remember correctly, you were four or five weeks along then. So that will put you between eleven and thirteen weeks." Her hands on my belly are cold; my stomach flinches at her touch. "Sorry," she says quickly.
I look down my body at my stomach. There are three very visible, well-defined points: Each of my hipbones are sharp against my skin, and the ominous bump from yesterday looks bigger from this angle. No wonder that skirt felt tight this morning. I hadn’t worn it since my interview at the diner almost two months ago.
She pokes and pushes, doing what doctors do, and I flinch when some of the pressure points cause me pain.
"You're very skinny. Have you always been this way?"
I hesitate to answer her. The answer is no, I haven't. In fact, I used to be about a size ten or twelve, but I'm not sure I really want to highlight the fact that I've lost a lot of weight in the last six or seven months. The direct result of being told by Riley that I was fat — just one of the ways he had of bringing me down — and then of not being able to afford to buy food. After I left the hospital, it became increasingly difficult to take care of myself.
I shake my head. “No, not always.” I have no doubt that Dr. Alston is pissed off at me for not taking better care of myself. Believe me, if I could afford more food, I'd eat it. It's not like I'm not trying.
She gently pulls the gown back down. "Aside from your weight — which is a big issue — everything looks okay. I'll have the nurse come in and get your IV and blood work going. I'll put in for an ultrasound, and I will be back in a little while." She pulls off the gloves and starts washing her hands in the sink. "Can I get you anything?" she asks, reaching for the paper towels.
"Another blanket would be good." I'm freezing again.
"I'll send one in. There is a button on the side of your bed if you need anything else."
"What about some food?" Mikah asks her.
Dr. Alston nods. "Keep it light, though. Soup or pudding would be good."
"Thanks, doctor." He looks at me. "Are you hungry?"
I start to shake my head and he scowls at me. It's actually pretty cute.
"Fine, yes, I'll eat." I smile at him and his eyes light up. His answering smile is blinding. "Why does that make you so happy?" I ask.
"Because you deserve far better than you're giving yourself, and I'm happy to give it. Whenever and however I can." I feel his hand tighten around mine. "Thank you."
He’s thanking me? "What for?"
"For coming in, talking to the doctor. Being so calm about this and..." He pauses, looking deep into my eyes.
Something happens between us in this moment, a shift of some sort that I don’t understand, and the heart monitor broadcasts my fluttering heartbeat. Geez, that is so embarrassing.
He smiles again. "And for letting me be here with you. Speaking of which, why did she make me leave only to have me come back in?" I look down from his penetrating blue-green eyes. "Tell me," he pleads.
"She saw me flinch when you touched my hand. She was concerned that you were the reason I was here the last time."
His face grows pale, and I feel his whole body go cold as he realizes why I was here a couple of months ago.
"I told him I was pregnant and he didn't like that very much. He took it out on me," I whisper.
"Fuck!" he spats, and I can feel his body start to tremble.
I can't look at him. I'm so ashamed. Ashamed of the fact that I was beaten, that Riley beat me whenever he felt like it. Ashamed that I let it happen more than once. I start to cry.
"I'm going to touch your head,” Mikah says, finally getting why I flinch every time he touches me unexpectedly. “I want to..."
But I don’t want his comforting. I feel the anger radiating from him, and though I know it’s not directed at me, my broken spirit is already trying to push him away, to undo the intimacy between us. "It's okay. I'm okay," I sob.
"Like hell you are. I'm not going to hurt you or hit you. I would never – will never do anything to harm you. Ever." His voice is full of conviction.
I squeeze my eyes tight against the tears, willing them to stop, but I can't seem to control them. Then I feel his hand resting lightly against the top of my head. So light that I almost can't feel it. Then slowly, steadily, he starts to caress my head, stroking my hair. The movement is methodical, but it doesn't feel empty. My scalp tingles as goose bumps rise across it, then my neck, down my back and across my arms. My heart beats faster, keeping the machine busy with each pump and flutter.
He shifts closer to me. Keeping our hands entwined, he puts his head down on the pillow next to mine. "Please don't cry," he says quietly. His breath warms my cheek.
My heart continues to flutter, and a warm tingling sensation runs through my body, wrapping me in a feeling of comfort, safety, and an inexplicable need for his touch.
"Please, don't stop," I say softly.
"Never."
NINE
I wake up to a nurse coming in with a whole lot of stuff. Something that looks like a T.V. and a tray filled with vials.
"Hi, Vivienne. I'm Amanda. I'll be your nurse. I'm here to take your blood and get you set up with an IV. Once that's done, we will get you ready for your ultrasound. How are you feeling?"
"Tired," I groan. When I cry, it drains me completely and I just want to sleep. I think it is more of an escape-from-reality kind of thing than a physical need for sleep.
Mikah laughs. "She was sleeping when you came in," he says from much closer to my head than I expected. He’s still stroking my hair, and his other thumb is rubbing along the back of my hand.
"Good. Sorry I woke you."
"It's okay."
I watch as she sets her tray of vials down on the table and starts going in for what she needs. As soon as she pulls out a tourniquet I roll toward Mikah, not wanting to see what she's about to do.
"I understand you're not a fan of needles. I'm going to do my best to not hurt you. I've been told I'm pretty good at being gentle." I nod. "Left arm, I take it?"
I nod again and she lifts my left arm, pulling i
t back slightly so it’s out of my line of sight.
"Look at me," Mikah says.
I lift my chin upwards and find his piercing green eyes on me. That's strange; earlier they were more of a blue-green, but now they’re almost completely green. Emerald. Almost like he put contacts in while I was sleeping.
The monitor sputters again. He smiles wide, and Nurse Fang — as I’m calling her in my head — has the tourniquet around my arm. I flinch as the needle pierces my skin.
"Long. Deep. Breath." I do as Mikah says and inhale slowly.
While it doesn't hurt, I can feel her shifting the needle around for nearly a whole minute before she hits pay dirt and releases the tourniquet from my arm.
She fills four vials with my blood; I feel a slight tug as each vial is replaced with the next one. Then the needle moves around again as she gets the IV set up. The tape comes next, and before I know it she's done. I let out the breath I was holding and Mikah smiles at me.
"Wow. Very well done, Vivienne," Nurse Fang — Amanda, I remind myself — says approvingly.
"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself."
She laughs. "I do try as best as I can. Can you roll back onto your back for me?" I shake my head in protest. "Please?" she pleads. She sounds almost like a whiny teenager and I roll my eyes.
"I'm comfortable."
"I know, but I'm going to get you set up for your ultrasound and the tech will be in here very shortly."
I sigh and reluctantly roll over. I realize I’m putting up a bigger fight than what I really feel.
Amanda repeats the procedure of pulling the blanket up to cover my pubis and raising the gown to reveal the little round mound between my hips. I hear Mikah's sharp intake of breath as my belly is exposed again. I can't tell if he’s in awe or if it’s a tortured sound. For my part, I’m starting to see that the mound and what it represents is unavoidable. Surprisingly, it’s also growing more adorable each time I see it.
Amanda finishes up and leaves.
I look at Mikah. "Are you okay?" I ask him. He nods. "Is it hard for you to look at me like this?"
"Yes." He hears my heart skip a beat. "Not in the way you're thinking," he adds quickly. I give him a puzzled look, but he just shakes his head. "I will explain it to you later. Okay?" he asks, his voice soft.
I nod, still confused but trusting he will tell me later. I look up at the clock and panic sets in. It's three thirty and I'm supposed to be at work in half an hour. Stupid heart monitor goes nuts, and Mikah stands and leans into my line of sight.
"What's the matter?" he says, worried.
"I'm supposed to be at the diner in thirty minutes. I can't lose this job." Panic creeps into my voice.
"It's already been arranged. I spoke with Laura while you were sleeping, and she said that she would deal with Bartie and to keep her posted. If you were going to be gone longer than Sunday's shift we might have a problem, but right now, one day is okay. She said that she was going to tell him that you and Nyssa switched places because of Tuesday night?" The question in his voice tells me he’s relaying a message he doesn’t quite understand.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Thank you," I say quietly. "I do hope you’re right. I can't afford to lose that job."
"Yes, you can." Or at least I think that’s what he said. He was mumbling incoherently.
"What?" I scowl at him.
"Later."
"Why all this ‘later’ crap with you?" I huff.
"Because the doctor is coming in." And sure enough there is a knock on the door. How the hell did he know that? I leave the question for later and instead roll my eyes.
"How're you feeling?" Dr. Alston asks.
"Okay, just sleepy." She nods and walks over to the machine Amanda brought in, clicks a few buttons, and the screen flickers to life.
"I'm going to go ahead and handle your ultrasound," she says gently. Then she presses a couple of keys on a keyboard that came with the monitor and grabs a white bottle that looks a lot like the ketchup bottles at the diner, but with a shorter nozzle. I can’t tell what’s actually in the bottle.
"This might feel a little cold,” she says right before the substance hits my belly. I watch as my belly flinches at the clear gel being squirted on it. "Now I'm going to use this." She holds a wand type thing that is wide and flat at the top. "I'm going to place it against your stomach and see what we can see. Okay?"
I nod. My heart starts pounding; it sounds super loud on the machine. Dr. Alston reaches over and presses a couple of buttons on the heart monitor. The beep gets quieter.
Mikah, who has been very quiet in the corner, gently squeezes my hand. I look over at him. His eyes are not on the doctor or the monitor; they are on me, on my face. I smile at him nervously and he squeezes my hand again as Dr. Alston presses the wand against my abdomen.
TEN
"Well, well. Hello there, little one," Dr. Alston croons.
I pull my eyes from Mikah’s to look at the doctor, who is very intently looking at the monitor. The angle I’m at makes the monitor look black, and I can’t see anything. The wand moves around on my stomach while Dr. Alston presses various buttons on the machine.
"Can we see?" I ask quietly.
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I have a sudden rush of fear. I want to see, but I'm scared. I'm scared that seeing the baby will make it real for me.
Mikah squeezes my hand again as Dr. Alston presses a couple more buttons.
"Just a...moment. I'm taking measurements. This will help us determine the age of the fetus, along with your blood work."
I bite my lip nervously and Mikah's hand resumes stroking my hair. This time, although I wasn't expecting his touch, I don't flinch, and I'm suddenly very grateful that she’s turned down the heart monitor. His touch sends invisible shivers across my body, and I feel the knot in my stomach loosening.
That’s when I realize that the knot has been in my stomach for months, not just minutes.
With a couple more clicks of the keys, she grabs the side of the monitor to turn it. Panic sets in and my heart rate skyrockets.
"Calm down, Vivienne. It's okay. I can give you some pictures instead, so you can look at them when you're ready."
I pull in a few long breaths, trying to imagine what this is going to be like, how I’m going to react. I remind myself that I chose this, that this is what I want.
"No." I take another long, deep breath. "I'm ready," I say, and once again, Mikah's silent reassurance is there as he squeezes my hand.
Dr. Alston slowly turns the monitor until the image comes into view.
It's grainy, black and white, narrow at the top and wider at the bottom. Smack in the middle of the screen is a black, odd-shaped oval, and inside that oval is...
Tears, hot and heavy, flow down my cheeks. There are no words for the beautiful image I see on the screen. Two arms, two legs, a head all visible. Suddenly the image zooms in, and I can see the baby’s profile: faintest outline of eyes, nose, a faint shadow of lips.
"My God," Mikah says, so softly I almost miss it. Reverence in his voice. Part of me wants to see the expression on his face, but I can't pull my eyes away from the monitor.
To the right of a wedge shape on the monitor, something is pulsing. I point toward it with my free hand. "What. Is. That?"
"A strong heartbeat. Want to hear it?" Dr. Alston asks. I nod and she reaches for something on the keyboard. A second pulse enters the room.
"It's so fast," I say as I watch the pulsing match up with the noise. It almost sounds like a bad radio signal, full of static, but it is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I start to cry again.
"That's very normal at this stage of pregnancy. In fact, up until well after delivery. Babies’ heart rates run faster than ours for a while.
“As I suspected, you’re about eleven to twelve weeks along. The baby is measuring at about three inches in length. In another five or six weeks, we should be able to fully determine the sex."
&n
bsp; "When you say ‘fully determine’...?" Mikah asks her.
"I mean that I can take a guess right now, based off of what I saw, but it would be a guess of experience and not expertise. Do you want to know what I think it is, Vivienne?"
I shake my head, wiping tears from my eyes. "I would rather wait until you're sure." My voice comes out hardly above a whisper.
She smiles at me and says, "That sounds like a plan to me. Do you want to take some pictures with you?" I nod and lay my head back against the pillow. I'm still tired but feeling a little bit stronger. I’m guessing it’s the fluids being pumped into me.
Dr. Alston has frozen the monitor and pulled the wand away. On the screen is a still image of my baby’s profile. It has to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She pushes a few buttons again and I can hear a machine start up below me. Then she leans down and hands me a stack of several pictures, all black and white. Fuzzy, but still beautiful.
I feel the bed start to rise and I look at Mikah. His eyes are slightly red. Tears? That would explain why he was so quiet...but why? Why would he be crying over my baby? Then again, I can't imagine how Dr. Alston does this without crying. It really is a beauty of life.
"Okay," Dr. Alston interrupts my thoughts. "I'm going to go and see if your blood work is back, check on a couple of things and then we can decide on a plan of action." She releases the brake on the ultrasound cart with her foot and begins to pull it out the door.
I turn toward Mikah, and he beats me to my question. "How are you doing?" he asks. His raspy voice sends goose bumps across my skin.
"I'm scared."
"Of?" he asks.
"Everything. I don't know. But seeing that...just..." I pause, blinking back the tears again. "It just brings it all into reality."
He doesn't say anything for a long time. I rest my head back against the bed and close my eyes, but all I can see is that little baby. My baby. Until a few minutes ago, the life growing inside me didn’t have much impact on my everyday life, but now, reality is setting in and I can’t even begin to imagine how I’m going to do this. I’m an only child. I had friends growing up, but never really a baby around to take care of. I started to babysit when I was twelve or so, but those were usually kids just a couple years younger than I was.