He jerked his hand away.
Shelley grinned and opened the door. “I see you understand. Good. I’ll be on the F train in the first car as planned. Good luck to us all.”
She slipped the picture of Emma into her purse and climbed from the car, shutting the door without looking at Ken again.
Now that she’d taken care of that, she needed to fix things with Gavin. Problem was, she didn’t know where to start. It wasn’t fair for her to make any kind of promise to him when their future was so uncertain. Then again, fairness no longer mattered. She couldn’t go into tomorrow without telling him how she truly felt.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Gavin half-considered ignoring the light knock on his door. Only two people were likely to look for him. If it was Jenessa, he couldn’t face her until he’d decided what to do about this situation. If it was Shelley, he didn’t know if he wanted to face her.
Another soft knock. “Gavin, please talk to me,” Shelley called.
Some of the ice holding his heart in stasis thawed just on hearing her voice. Damn the woman! Didn’t she realize what she did to him?
Without bothering to put his shirt back on, Gavin stalked to the doorway and opened it. “What?”
Shelley bit her lip as she stared at him, and Gavin struggled not to lose himself in her baby blues. She twisted her hands together and finally looked away. “May I come in?”
Shrugging, Gavin stepped back, opening the door wider. “If you’ve come to tell me I’m nothing more than a backup plan, don’t waste your time. I figured it out for myself.”
A gasp sounded from her throat, but she stepped inside and crossed the room.
Gavin tried to pretend the hurt that creased her drawn face as she passed him didn’t matter, but that was an exercise in futility. He couldn’t hurt her, even if his heart ached from her rejection. He swung the door shut and engaged the locks, taking the extra moment to collect himself before facing her.
She sat on the end of the bed, staring down at her clasped hands.
It was too bad emotions couldn’t be shut off like a light switch. He wouldn’t be forced to face all this turmoil and uncertainty. Then again, Shelley was here, with him, not out somewhere with Ken. That had to mean something.
He eased onto the bed next to her, holding himself stiffly away and tucking his hands beneath his thighs. It was the only way to keep his betraying body from tossing her on the bed and covering her in kisses. Just because he longed to do it, that didn’t mean it would solve their problems.
Though he waited for her to tell him what she wanted, Shelley didn’t look at him, remaining silent long past the time when the silence became uncomfortable.
“What time do you catch the train tomorrow?” he asked, deciding that was possibly less pathetic than asking why she couldn’t love him.
“Four-thirty.” Her words were so soft, he almost didn’t catch them. “Did you call Nick?”
Of course. That explained why she came here. It had nothing to do with him. She wanted to find out if she had to do damage control to protect Carlie from being left alone. Gavin supposed he should be happy she could love someone like that, even if it wasn’t him.
Tightness constricted his chest. He felt used, almost the same as when Crystal unloaded her grand scheme on him and he realized he’d trusted the wrong person. This was worse though. His whole body thrummed with anger at Shelley’s unintentional betrayal. He knew he couldn’t blame her. She had warned him not to fall for her. Maybe not outright, but in so many little ways ever since they met, she’d warned him against loving her.
“I didn’t call anyone,” he finally answered. “I think you should let Nick know what you’re getting into though. You need a new backup plan.”
Her head snapped up and she finally met his gaze. “Stop. Please. You are not a backup plan.”
The tenderness in her gaze was in stark contrast to the anger he felt, and Gavin looked away in confusion. He thought he figured out the game, and now she came in to change the playbook. Why did she look so vulnerable? She was the one who pushed him away, so it didn’t make any sense.
“What am I then, Shell?”
The cool satin of her palm brushed against his wrist and then she curled her fingers around his. “You’re everything, Gavin. I’m sorry for earlier. I was afraid for you. I wanted to protect you. That’s why I did what I did.”
Though it took all his effort, he didn’t automatically grip her hand in return, but left his loose in her grasp. “Because Nick gave you a job to protect me and you don’t want to let him down?”
“No, because I care about you and don’t want you killed by Stephen and Terrance.”
She cared about him. There it was again. He promised himself he’d give her all the time she needed to fall in love. After all, they hadn’t known each other that long. They both knew the sting of disappointment from loving the wrong people. He shouldn’t demand more from her right now, but he couldn’t help it.
If she said she ‘cared’ about him one more time, he would lose it. He didn’t want her concern for his safety, the same thing she gave to strangers—the same thing she showed for Emma and Rose.
He slid his hand from hers and stood up. “You’re free to do whatever you want. I won’t interfere and I won’t call Nick.” He turned his back to her, wishing he had been able to hold onto his earlier anger. Anger was a more sustaining emotion than the confusion he now felt. “Be safe out there. I care about you, too, and don’t want you getting yourself killed.”
The burst of laughter that escaped her was a shock.
He glanced over his shoulder. “What’s funny about that?”
“Nothing. I’m nervous. Never felt quite like this before.”
“About tomorrow?”
“No.” She stood gracefully, but limped slightly when she stepped forward. Her arms wrapped around his waist from behind and her lips whispered across his shoulder blade before she molded herself against his back. “I’m sorry, Gavin. I suck at this stuff. I don’t tell people because I can’t trust they’ll stick around once I do.”
Her breath tickled his neck as she talked, accelerating his heart rate and causing twitches further down. It was hard to concentrate on what she said when his body was consumed with need. Sex was just sex, though. It wasn’t what he really wanted. He ignored the heat filling him. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. Just spit it out and stop teasing me.”
Her tongue ran the length of his neck and she took his earlobe into her mouth, sucking on it gently. “But I like teasing you.”
He’d need a cold shower, for sure, but somehow he couldn’t push her away. He groaned. “Why are you doing this to me? You know how I feel. You know I want more than caring or friendship.”
She slid her hands across his stomach, outlining the muscles in his abs. Her touch had a mystical hold on him that he couldn’t break free from. He wanted her so bad.
“I want more than that, too,” she whispered, her fingers skating upward to caress his pecs. “That’s what I’m trying to say. I tried to tell you before, but I’m afraid.”
He finally was able to push her hands away, turning around to face her. “What are you afraid of? Me? I’d never hurt you.” He pressed his forehead against hers, hoping she believed him. “I love you, Shell.”
Her lips came agonizingly close to his, and just as he leaned in to meet them, she pulled away, shaking her head. “Can’t you see that’s what scares me?”
Forcing himself to remain silent, he decided to let her explain herself. She was obviously having a hard time making her point, but if she meant what he hinted at, his patience might be worth it.
She took a small step away, dropping her hands to her sides. “Did I tell you I dreamed about Tony after the explosion?”
“No, you didn’t.” He searched her face for any trace of emotion, but she seemed steadily calm. “Was it a good dream?”
“Kind of.” Her eyebrows drew together. “I can
’t figure out what the last thing he said meant though.”
“What did he say?”
“He said something about being sorry for leaving me and my life being hard, but it was about to get better. Then he said it wouldn’t get better until I got over my current pain, and that it was going to hurt a lot.”
Gavin sucked in a breath. “Well, your subconscious must have known you were injured, and the pain was bad, especially at first.”
“Talking to Tony seemed so real, though, not like a dream.”
Gavin didn’t answer, knowing it would only upset her if he said he didn’t believe in ghosts. Besides, what did he know? It could have been her dead brother, back to help her through a rough time. If that was possible, he sure wished his dad had come back to help him once in a while.
“Of course,” she continued, “I know it wasn’t really Tony, but I can’t shake the feeling that the warning wasn’t for my physical discomfort. I feel like my subconscious was warning me about something else. That’s where my fear comes in.”
At least she seemed to share his opinion on ghosts. “If not physical pain, what was the warning for?” He feared he knew. She still believed he would hurt her.
“I’m cursed.” She backed to the bed and sat back down, laughing again though it now had a manic edge to it. “What you must think of me. Ghosts and curses. Are you sure you want to pledge your love to a crazy woman?”
Kneeling down beside her, Gavin caught both her hands in his. “Crazy’s part of the fun.”
She flashed a real smile, seeming calmer. “Fair enough. We did make our first acquaintance on the run from murderers with me sticking my tongue down your throat before I even knew your name.”
“See?” He quirked an eyebrow and gave his most charming grin, trying not to let her see how worried he still was about whatever she was trying to say. “Good, clean fun.”
“Mmmm. And now you’re up for some not-so-clean fun.”
“I thought we’ve both wanted that for a while.” He paused, staring at her intently, hoping she could sense his sincerity. “But that isn’t why I told you that I love you. I love you, and nothing will change that. Crazy, cursed, whatever.”
He pulled her hand to his mouth, kissing her fingers. He tried to do things Shelley’s way this afternoon and leave her alone. She came back. Obviously, she didn’t want him to go away. Maybe she wanted to be sure he wouldn’t go, no matter what she threw at him.
Climbing up onto the bed, Gavin caught her under the chin, caressing her cheek with his thumb.
Her eyes fluttered closed and she leaned into his touch.
“How bad did I screw up by walking out on you today, Shell?”
Her eyelashes quivered, but she didn’t open her eyes. A small drop of moisture leaked from the corner of her eye and traced a line down his thumb.
He suddenly knew the answer—the reason she’d been unable to commit to him. It wasn’t because she didn’t love him. “That’s what scares you. Damn. I’m sorry for making it worse.” He swiped at her tear, wondering if she would chastise him again for making her cry. “If you admit you love me, and I leave, you’ll have to go through that again, just like you did with Tony, your parents, and later Grandma Haddy.”
“No. You don’t entirely understand.”
“Explain it to me.”
“I’m the problem, not you.” She grabbed his hand, kissing his palm before clasping it to her chest, still not looking at him. “If I tell you I love you, something could happen. You just gave the short list of all the people who left me. Even if you don’t want to leave, you can’t stop death. What if loving me kills you?”
“Ghosts, curses, and now superstitions.” He struggled to contain his mirth, but failed.
Shelley’s eyes popped open to glare at him when his chuckle escaped. “I’m glad you can laugh about your impending demise.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?”
She clutched his hand tighter. “Not really, but obviously something’s wrong with me. Everyone I love leaves me, one way or another. I don’t want you to leave, too.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Shelley held her breath, waiting for Gavin’s response. She knew she was being silly, but she couldn’t shake the irrational fear.
“I would never choose to leave you.” Gavin leaned close, pressing his stubbly cheek against hers. “As far as dying, everyone does eventually. Loving each other won’t affect how long we get to live. But having your love would make whatever time I have worth living.”
She breathed in deeply, inhaling his warm scent. The feel of his hand in hers was comforting. He didn’t pull away, and he didn’t make fun of her fears. He actually made everything much easier than she thought he would. One great thing about Gavin, he was hurt and angry just moments earlier, but didn’t hold a grudge.
“I don’t want to live without you either, Gavin,” she whispered. “As scared as I am to love you and lose you, it’s too late for me, really. I already love you.”
He pushed out a large exhalation of air and pulled her into his chest. “Earlier, I thought you had a different answer, and I couldn’t handle that. I shouldn’t have stormed out on you today.”
His mouth found hers. Gavin greedily nibbled at her bottom lip and then caressed the corner with his tongue. She opened up to him, heart racing as his hand gripped her neck, pulling her even closer.
Not breaking off their lip lock, Shelley pushed him onto the bed, then climbed on top of his lap the way she had at the opera house. Though her leg grumbled with pain, Gavin’s touch was enough painkiller to make it bearable. Caressing his head, the silky feel of his brown hair beneath her fingers made her want more of him. She stroked one hand down his neck and onto the smooth contours of his bare back, rubbing her chest against him while she moved.
Gavin broke off the kiss, instead laying a trail of kisses across her face until he reached her ear, sucking on the sensitive spot just below her lobe.
A tremble of desire shot through her as her lower half blazed to life, dampening her panties. He felt so good. His tongue prodded and played along her neck and behind her ear, and every once in a while, Gavin let her feel teeth. She wanted more...no, needed it. Every second of her enforced celibacy weighed on her, screaming at her to end it with Gavin’s help.
She leaned back from him slightly, fumbling at the buttons on her blouse while he struggled to latch his mouth onto her neck in their shifted position. “I want you, Gavin.”
She only managed to get the top two buttons unfastened before his hands covered hers, stilling her movement.
His breathing was just as labored as hers when he pulled away, but Gavin squeezed her hands and stared into her eyes. The pale green of his pierced straight through her. Gavin had seen her more clearly than any other person had, but she didn’t understand what those eyes were telling her now.
“What are you doing?” The petulant sound in her voice made her feel somewhat childish, but she didn’t care. “Why are you stopping me?”
A half grin crossed his face. “Because I’m crazy?”
“For sure. Knock that off.” She pushed his hands away and went to work on the next button. “I’m past ready to be with you and have some fun.”
“But we were going to wait. Are you sure you’re ready?”
His hot breath bathing her face and neck made her shivery all over. “I’m sure.” She paused, her libido taking a small hit as a thought occurred to her. “Wait. Are you sure?”
He nodded and moved his hands to her blouse once again, only this time it wasn’t to stop her from taking it off. He stroked her breasts through the thin fabric, finding her erect nipples with his thumbs and grazing across them, sending a pulse of pleasure straight to her center and making her even wetter. He kissed her again, softly this time.
“I’m ready,” he said against her mouth. “But not for fun. I’m ready to make love to you.”
An explosion of happiness rivaled the pleasure her body f
elt. No one had ever made love with her before. Sure, sex had been fun, but that wasn’t the same as making love. This was a first, and it was special.
She shoved against his chest, and Gavin complied by falling backward. She followed him down to the mattress, covering him in kisses.
“Not that I’m complaining about the reaction, but are you okay?” he asked once she let up on the assault. He caressed her cheek, wiping away moisture she hadn’t realized was there.
She nodded, rolling to the side and snuggling next to him. Running her hand down his chest, she followed the trail of dark hair and slipped her fingers on top of his pants, stroking the length of his hardness. “I’m better than okay, Gavin. I’ve never been so happy.” She laughed, squeezing him. “Or so ready. Make love to me.”
“Don’t have to ask me twice.” He quickly complied with her demands, standing up to unbutton his pants then kick his clothes away.
Shelley let out a soft whistle. Gavin might not be the most powerfully built man, but every inch of him was defined and solid in a sleek, compact way. From his shapely waist all the way down to his sexy legs, he was the vision of perfection.
A gleam of amusement shone from his green eyes. “Enjoying what you see?”
“Oh, yeah!”
“Good, because it’s your turn now in our show and tell.”
A momentary qualm squeezed her heart. This would be the first time a man saw her completely naked since she’d been shot. Sure, flashing her panties at Gavin to turn him on when she knew he wouldn’t do anything about it was fun. Baring herself completely for him was an entirely different matter.
Which was silly. She’d never cared before what a man thought of her body. In fact, she was confident most men didn’t really care when sex was in the offing. They’d pretty much go for anyone that let them.
Maybe that was why she felt so nervous. Gavin had already proven he wasn’t that type of man. On top of that, he loved her. She wanted him to be happy with his choice.
Puffing out a shaky breath, she finished unfastening the buttons on her shirt, letting it hang loose on her. She stood beside Gavin and kicked off her shoes, grimacing slightly when the motion flared the pain in her leg. Once her pants were off, she hesitated. Any more clothing, and it would be more than she’d showed off in a long time.
Love & Redemption Page 21