by Kristy Love
While my sister talked on speakerphone, I pulled up a text to Jax and told him Cassie was in labor. Within seconds, he texted back that he and Ben were on their way home. I pulled back onto the road and headed toward my sister’s house. There was no way she was going through this alone. “You’ve been through your fair share of shit. You were disowned when you got pregnant last time, you struggled for years on your own, you lost the love of your life to alcohol, you had to uproot your life . . . what more can happen to one person?”
She let out an ungodly pained screech. I checked the clock. Six minutes between contractions. This baby was coming whether she was ready or not. “Don’t you know you’re never supposed to say something like that, Roxie. As soon as you think things can’t get any worse, that’s when shit falls apart.” Her voice was strained and full of pain. My heart raced.
“Nothing’s falling apart. I promise.” I took a cleansing breath, trying to think of something to distract her from her current line of thinking. “Did you finalize names?” Cassie and Jax were crazy. They didn’t want to find out the gender of the baby and they weren’t sharing the names they were thinking about, even though I bugged the shit out of them regularly.
“We have a name picked out for a girl, but nothing picked out for a boy.”
“You better hurry up and pick one.”
“It’s tough because every name reminds us of an asshole. I don’t want my baby named after an asshole.”
“What about David?” The words came out before I could even think. Fuck.
“David,” Cassie said, trying the name out. “I like that name. It’s classic, it’d go with Ben. His name is classic. I’ll have to mention it to Jax.”
I wanted to punch myself in the vagina. She needed to stop calling the shots. Apparently, she wasn’t over the romp with David yet. “It’s definitely classic.”
“What were you up to today before I called?”
“Oh, a little of this, a little of that.”
“You’re being evasive.”
“I’m not being evasive!” Fuck her mom senses.
“Tell me what you were doing.”
“Let’s have this conversation when you aren’t having a baby, okay?”
She burst into tears. Holy fuck, were all women in labor this emotional? “Roxie, I’m not ready for this baby to be here!” Another pained noise.
When she was done panting and moaning, I responded. “I don’t think you have a choice. That was five minutes, sis. Does labor normally progress this quickly?”
“How the fuck should I know, Roxie? Do I look like a fucking labor and deliver nurse? A fucking OB/GYN?”
“You had a kid before, so I thought maybe you knew.”
“I don’t know shit, okay? All I know is that you end up pushing a human out through your hooha.”
“Thanks for the visual.”
“Stop being a bitch.”
We were now in the angry phase. Good to know. I pulled up outside her house and put the car in park. I disconnected the phone from Bluetooth and held it to my ear, walking toward the front door. I didn’t want to tell her I was here in case she flipped out on me. I opened the door slowly just in time to hear the pained noises my sister was making. I rushed forward, finding her on all fours on the floor, the phone dropped in front of her.
I ran to her side and fell to my knees, disconnecting our phone call. I put my hand on her back.
Cassie turned to me, her eyes wide and crazy. “Don’t fucking touch me!” she roared. I raised my hands in a sign of surrender. I did not want to anger the demon that had taken over my sister’s body. Cassie rocked back and forth, moaning and groaning. I felt completely helpless.
When she stopped, she sat back on her heels, her face dropped to her chest. Sweat had collected on her brow. I got a clean washcloth and ran it under cold water. I ran it across her forehead.
“Thank you,” she said in a weak voice.
Jax rushed in and immediately fell to Cassie’s side. The look of relief on her face and the tears that collected in her eyes made me look away. I felt like I was intruding on their incredibly intimate and personal moment. Ben came in, looking at his mom on the floor, his eyes wide.
“How far apart are the contractions?” Jax asked me.
“Five minutes, I think. I didn’t time the last one.”
He helped Cassie off the floor and then walked her around as she pressed on her lower back and rubbed a hand over her distended stomach. The way Cassie leaned into Jax and the way he looked at her brought tears to my own eyes. For the first time in years, I wanted that. I wanted someone to look at me that way. I wanted someone to look at me as though I was the most important person in the world and they loved me so much they couldn’t bear the thought of me being in pain.
My chest felt hollow as pain laced through my heart. I looked away and went over to Ben. I wrapped an arm around him. “Go get your stuff, buddy. We’ll head to my house, okay?”
He nodded, his eyes still on his mom and Jax. I gave him a gentle shove, which spurred him into motion. Jax caught my gaze and smiled, mouthing Thank you. He helped Cassie walk around until another contraction tore through her. She leaned heavily into him and he took her weight as though it were nothing. Tears burned my eyes and another wave of pain tore through my heart.
Would I ever have that? Was I so completely closed off that I’d never have anyone to help me through the pain? Not of childbirth, but of the fucking loneliness I felt. In this moment, it was all I felt, leaving me hollow. My heart was probably echoing through the emptiness inside me.
Ben came out of his room with a book bag slung over his shoulder. I wrapped an arm around him and ushered him out of the house.
BEN WAS IN the car, sitting next to me, practically bouncing out of his skin. Cassie had the baby last night and we were on our way to see them. Being the annoying twat she was, she kept the gender and name a secret. She wanted to surprise us when we got to the hospital.
The pain that had wrapped itself around my heart was still there, aching and constricting, highlighting the emptiness I felt.
Could I possibly want more than booty calls and one night stands? It didn’t seem possible, not with the way I’d felt for years, but I’d be in serious denial if I didn’t admit how amazing it was to watch Jax and Cassie together. A very large part of me wanted that.
Fuck, did I have an epiphany moment? Was there a way to return epiphanies? Was there an epiphany return aisle somewhere? Maybe some place I could mail this fucker back?
We pulled in to the hospital and Ben bounded out of the car. He kept amazing me with how excited he was to not be an only child anymore. His face was split into a huge smile and his eyes sparkled. He practically dragged me toward the maternity wing and his newly expanded family.
As soon as we walked in, another moment imprinted itself on my memory and heart. Cassie was holding a little bundle wrapped in a pink blanket with a pink bonnet, Jax was on the bed next to her, bent over the two of them. The love was palpable.
Ben rushed over, climbing on the bed toward his mom and his new baby sister. As soon as he was close enough, Jax wrapped his arm around Ben. I leaned against the doorframe, feeling like the intruder yet again. I blinked rapidly to try and hold back the tears.
This moment was beautiful. All three of them had ear-splitting grins on their faces and the new baby had her finger wrapped around Ben as he beamed down at her. They talked in quiet voices, not loud enough for me to hear.
After several minutes, Cassie lifted her eyes and they found me. She nodded me over.
“Can I hold her?” I asked as I looked down at the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. Cassie nodded and I reached out to take the gorgeous bundle in my arms. I couldn’t see much beyond her one hand that had long, slender fingers and her sleeping face. “What’s her name?”
“Haven Jade,” Cassie said.
“Hi, little Haven.” I looked up at Cassie. “Perfect name, Cass.”
“Thank y
ou.”
I held Haven and part of my heart filled, a part that was labeled especially for this precious baby. I yearned. I yearned to have my own baby in my own arms with someone who loved me the way Jax clearly loved Cassie.
Again, I wondered if there was a way to give this realization away.
Haven gazed up at me, her beautiful blue-green eyes catching on my face. I smiled down at her and rubbed her little cheek with the back of a finger. Her mouth immediately popped open and tried to latch onto my finger. After a few failed attempts, she started fussing.
“I think she’s hungry,” Cassie said. I handed her back her beautiful daughter and sat in the chair next to her bed.
Jax stood from the bed. “Ben, want to go check out the cafeteria with me? I heard they have some pretty awesome ice cream.”
“Yeah!” Ben said, clambering off the bed. Jax wrapped his hand around Ben’s and they left the room. Cassie situated Haven on her breast and looked up at me.
“So, tell me where you were yesterday?” she asked.
“What?”
“You sounded winded, like you were running for your life. Tell me what you were up to.” I gazed out the window. I wasn’t sure how to answer her. “Roxie? What’s wrong?”
“I ran into an old one night stand the other day.”
“Yeah?”
“Yep. His sister ended up calling me and asking to look at a house. I didn’t know she was connected to him at all, though.”
“So you had a chance to reconnect?”
I laughed, though it sounded bitter to my ears. “You could say that. I got the car through him and right before you called, he fucked me on his kitchen island.” My eyes sliced toward my sister, not missing the way her eyes widened in shock or the sharp intake of breath.
“Wow, Roxie.”
“Yeah. So, I left this time before he could kick me out like he did last time.”
“He kicked you out last time? I thought you normally did the kicking?”
“Not David.”
“David?” I cringed as she put all the pieces together. ”He’s different.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’s not different. He’s just like every other guy. He wants a warm body to get lost in whenever he feels like it.”
“It’s you that’s different.”
“I think so. I don’t know. Watching you and Jax together yesterday and then the way you all were in here just now . . . I can’t help but wonder if there’s more for me than one night stands and booty calls? But at the same time, I like my life. It’s uncomplicated. I do what I want when I want and I don’t have to answer to anyone. I’m not sure if I want the crap that goes along with being in a relationship.”
“Only you can know that, Rox.”
“I’m struggling with the realization right now. What happened to me?” I chuckled.
“Maybe you’re lonely, or maybe it’ll pass. I mean, babies do have that effect on people.” She smirked.
“Especially gorgeous babies birthed by one of my favorite people in the entire universe.”
The serious moment was over and I was glad. Feelings were brewing inside me—feelings I didn’t want to analyze.
The door opened and my mom walked in. I smiled and hugged her. “Hey, Mom. How are you doing?”
“I’m good.” She smiled, walking over to take a look at Haven. “How’s my granddaughter?”
“She’s amazing,” Cassie said, beaming up at our mother. It was another special moment, watching my mom regard our newest family member, loving on her and talking to Cassie. We’d been robbed of this by my father when Ben was born. Now, though, we could enjoy it. We could spend time with Haven and Cassie, watch Haven reach all of her milestones, and help Cassie. We were a family. A real, true family.
SCREW HARPER AND her stupid self. I leaned my chin into my palm, a polite smile plastered on my face. Her best intentions aside, I was out on a blind date, which she set up. I nodded and laughed softly, trying to appear that I gave a shit about this guy.
I made the mistake of telling her all the feelings and thoughts swirling through me as I watched my sister and her husband. She immediately told me she had the perfect guy for me. He was, according to her, sexy, interesting, and not the victim of a lobotomy. My number one requirement in men was that they not be boring or stupid.
His name was George. And George fell so far short of that hopeful mark that he set a new IQ low. I was amazed he could chew and talk at the same time without choking on his food. He was doing a good job of spraying it all over the table, and me.
I was going to kill Harper.
“Do you want to go back to my place and wrestle in the sheets?” George asked. Apparently he thought he was able to charm the panties off any woman.
“Oh, George, I’m not that kind of girl.” He didn’t need to know that I was exactly that kind of girl. I wanted to escape his bad jokes and stupidity. This date cured me of any misguided desire to have something more with anyone.
I let him pay the bill and then followed him outside with enough distance between us to keep from touching. Was stupid contagious? I didn’t want to find out.
As soon as we exited the restaurant, George leaned in to kiss me and I jerked away as though he were on fire. “I’ll see you around, George.” I left him there, his lips puckered and ready to launch.
I sped away as quickly as my heels would allow, got in my car and laughed to myself as I raced off. I called Harper and the bitch sent me right to voicemail.
“You are officially the worst best friend in the history of best friends. This guy had a combover, Harper! He had black hair dye on his forehead like he’d just had it touched up today! And I swear to God he hadn’t brushed his teeth in at least a year.” I took a deep breath to collect myself. “I love you dearly, Harper, but, if you ever set me up on a date again, I will poke holes in all of your husband’s condoms. That pesky-ass stork will be at your house all the damn time.”
I hung up and flung my phone on the seat next to me. I wasn’t sure what to do next. I didn’t feel like going home yet, but at the same time I wasn’t sure where to go. I pulled into the parking lot of a club named Allure. Maybe a drink would help me feel better. At the very least, I could lose myself in some music.
Once inside, I went to the bar and ordered a margarita. I sipped it, scanning the club, looking for any single guys and not finding any. It was a good thing I didn’t have any interest in hooking up tonight.
I finished my margarita and ordered another. My hips swayed to the rhythmic beat. Once I had my drink, I went onto the dance floor, holding my glass and dancing as best I could without spilling. My hips swung and my feet moved to the music.
I chugged the rest of my drink and set it on a table at the edge of the dance floor. Moving back into the crowd, I closed my eyes and got lost in the music. My arms were raised high above my head when big hands slid around my waist, pulling me back into a strong body. I smiled as we moved together. With my eyes closed, I enjoyed the feel of his strong body against mine and the way his hands glided over my curves.
We danced to three songs, my back to his front, before he spun me around and I looked up into David’s gorgeous blues. My breath caught in my throat and my heart slammed to a stop.
“Roxie,” he said as he moved his lips to my neck. His teeth nipped at the tender skin before he ran his tongue over it. My eyes fluttered as his hands kept moving over my body, even though we were standing still with a throng of people grinding and dancing all around us.
“David,” I breathed. He robbed me of oxygen. His lips traveled from my neck upward to my chin and onward until they captured my own lips. I got lost in his kiss and the lazy way his hands roved over my body. It was intimate and my chest felt as though it were cracking open. I was afraid I would come undone, so I pulled away to catch myself. “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”
“I was out with my friends when I saw you dancing here alone.” He nodded toward a table near the bar. “I had to f
ix that. You’re too gorgeous to be alone.”
“Your words are always so smooth.”
“I can’t help it if I’m a charming motherfucker.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “You are charming, for sure.”
He leaned in closer until his smooth lips brushed my ear and his whiskey scented breath tickled my skin. “Am I charming enough to be inside you tonight?”
My breaths quickened as his words lit me on fire. I couldn’t think of an adequate response. He gripped my hips and swayed them to the music, putting us in motion again. I lifted my arms around his neck and let him take the lead. The song was slow, so I rested my head against his chest. His hands kneaded the flesh on my hips. Every part of me filled with heat and desire and I wanted to be somewhere private so he could put out the blaze he was stoking inside me.
When the song ended, he kept my body close to him. I lifted my eyes to meet his. His face was etched in stone.
He guided me off the dance floor and toward the front of the club. My feet moved as though commanded by him. When we stood outside the club, he leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Will you come home with me, love?” God, his voice. My libido was already running free, and the way he spoke with his head dipped low so he could look in my eyes was almost enough to make me dry hump his leg.
“Yes,” I breathed.
He helped me into his car and then strode around the hood. As he drove, I stole glances at him. My chest tightened. He was undeniably attractive, and his body called to mine. Cassie’s words filtered through my head. You’re different. Maybe you’re lonely. Was I lonely? Did I want more? Why did these thoughts run through my mind in David’s presence?
“You left your friends back at the club without saying anything.” I needed to do or say something to stop this war waging inside me.
“They’ll be fine without me.”
I nodded, though I didn’t think he could see me as he sped down the road.
In no time, we were at his house and he was helping me out of the car. As soon as we were inside, his hands, lips, and tongue were on me, robbing me of thought and reason. He walked me backward as he devoured me. I soaked in the way he made me feel. Sexy. Sensual. Desired. I threw my head back as he kissed and licked his way around my neck.