by Kristy Love
The problem was I never knew which David I was going to get.
“Is everything okay?” he asked. His eyes touched on mine.
“Yeah. Mia’s just having a tough day.” I ran my hand down Mia’s hair again.
“I’m in the room,” Mia sat up and wiped under her eyes. “My marriage to Brock is officially on a countdown. In less than a year, I won’t be married to him and I can finally say good-bye to him forever.” David nodded. His eyes flicked between me and Gia. They were full of concern. “I’ll get ready to go to the hospital.” She forced a smile and stood, leaving me alone with David.
“How are you today?” I asked.
He let out a slow breath and ran his hand over his hair. “It’s a rough day, just knowing that Mia is hurting and Gia isn’t awake.” He reached down and pulled me to him, holding me close. “But you’re here.” He kissed the top of my head.
“I wanted to ask you something. My sister is having a little gathering at her place and I wanted you and Mia to go.” I peer up at him to gauge his reaction.
“You want me to meet your family?” he asked. I nodded. A small smile curled his lips up. “I’d love to meet your family, love.” He kissed me. “I have to get to work now, though. Would you go to the hospital with Mia? I’m worried about her.”
“Of course. I already planned on it. My schedule is clear.”
“Thank you, love. We’d be lost without you.” He leaned down and kissed me again before leaving.
I spent the rest of the day with Mia, holding her as she cried, holding her hand as she talked to Gia, and trying to be her strength.
There was nothing easy about this situation.
DAVID AND I walked up the front steps of my sister’s house. David fidgeted as though he was nervous and my heart warmed. Not much got to him, but it seemed important he make a good impression on my sister. He brought a bottle of her favorite wine and a bottle of Jax’s favorite soda.
“Stop being so nervous,” I said. I opened my sister’s door and he followed me in. His eyes flitted over the interior. “Cassie!” I called out.
“Roxie!” I heard my sister exclaim, though I couldn’t see her yet. She raced around the corner, the baby in her arms. She hugged me and I took baby Haven from her. “David, this is my sister, Cassie. Cassie, this is David.”
Cassie scanned David’s face before she broke into a huge smile. “David, it’s lovely to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.”
David cast an easy glance at me before he smiled at Cassie. “Likewise. Roxie talks about you all the time.”
“I hope it’s good things,” Cassie responded with a bump to my shoulder. “Come. Introduce your man to the rest of the family.” She grabbed David by the arm and pulled at him. I smiled, happy that David was meeting my family.
Cassie dragged David into the kitchen where Jax, Ry, Will, and their kids were. Will held Rosalie, and Ben gawked up at David, unsure who this guy was. Will and Jax studied David, clearly determining whether he lived up to their standards. It made me want to cry.
I had family who loved me enough to make sure the person I dated was good enough for me. I had David, whom I wanted to introduce to them and who cared about me enough to be here, meeting them. I lowered my gaze to Haven and fought tears the best I could as everyone bombarded David with questions. He answered them all with his arm wrapped around my waist and comforting.
When we sat down to dinner, the conversation flowed. “How’s work going, Roxie?” Cassie asked as she spooned food into Haven’s mouth.
“Fine. I’ve been busy, so I haven’t been showing as many houses, but it’s been good.”
“Will you be able to keep the house?” Cassie paused, her hand floating mid-air. When Cassie first moved to Fairfax, she rented a house for her and Ben to live in. After so many years apart, I didn’t want to lose touch again, so I moved in with them. When she reunited with Jax and moved in with him, I stayed in the house. She was always worried about me not being able to afford the rent.
“I will. I have a couple of houses closing in the coming weeks, so I can put a little money aside for if things get tight.”
David’s hand landed on my thigh and I looked at him. He gave me a pointed look, clearly unhappy. His lips pressed together and the corners turned down. His gaze drilled into mine. We’d had arguments about my finances. He wanted to take care of anything I needed; I didn’t want him to do that. I wasn’t with him for his money and I didn’t want him to think that. Things between us were tense as it was, I didn’t want to add to it. Plus, I didn’t need him, or any man, to keep me. I was able to take care of myself. I shot him a look back, letting him know I wasn’t interested in even thinking about this right now, let alone discussing it. He shook his head and turned away, his attention pulled to a conversation about cars with Will and Jax.
Dread filled my stomach and made it hard to eat.
The rest of the meal passed smoothly, though I was annoyed that he wouldn’t drop the money discussion. If we weren’t in front of everyone, I’d let him know exactly what I thought; unfortunately, I wanted them to like David, so I kept my mouth shut. I smiled and pretended I wasn’t agitated.
After dinner, we went outside and I played with Ben by the lake as David continued to talk to my family. I just hoped things were okay once we left.
“Aunt Roxie.” Ben pulled my attention back to him. “Are you going to marry David?”
My eyes widened and my heart rate spiked. “I don’t know. Right now we’re just dating.”
Ben threw a stick into the lake. “I like him. He seems nice. You should marry him.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, buddy. Now, do you want to build a sand castle with me?” I was desperate to deflect attention away from my relationship. The last thing I wanted to think about was marriage, especially right now.
As night fell, Jax, Will, and David started a bonfire that we all sat around. The babies were asleep in the house and Ben roasted marshmallows. We sat in chairs around the blaze, and David pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. He rested his chin on my shoulder.
“Your family is nice,” he whispered. His breath tickled against my neck.
“I’m glad you like them.” My eyes flitted over the people in front of me. It was a small group, and definitely not a traditional family, but it was mine and I loved them all.
“I like you.” He kissed my neck and a chill ran down my spine. This was the glimpse of David that kept me here. Through the ups and downs, the times when I felt he would rather I disappear, it was moments like this that made me believe he was still the David I’d been falling for.
DAVID STOMPED AROUND the house; this had become somewhat of the norm. He slammed the cabinets and glared at both Mia and me. After a while, Mia disappeared into her bedroom. I stood my ground.
After the amazing time at my sister’s, I thought we would be okay. I understood he’d still grieve and have bad days, but I wasn’t prepared for him to be an asshole so soon. In many ways I was ready to wash my hands of all this and say I was done.
As soon as I was ready to say fuck it and walk away, though, he’d pull me close and tell me how much he needed me. I felt like a yo-yo that he kept pulling close and pushing away. I couldn’t keep up and it was exhausting.
“Please talk to me, David. I’m here for you.” I tried the polite route, hoping it’d make him stop.
“I don’t need this bullshit.” He slammed a door shut.
“It’s not bullshit. It’s me trying to be here for you. I know it’s hard, okay? I know you hate seeing Mia at the hospital struggling and Gia unconscious, but that doesn’t mean you take it out on us.”
He scowled at me. “Don’t tell me how I feel. You don’t fucking know anything!”
I threw my hands in the air and practically growled, “I’m done with this shitty attitude!” I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder. “You know how to reach me when you pull your head out of your ass.”
&n
bsp; “Whatever.” He stormed away and I left with a tear in my eye and a crack in my heart.
David
ANGER WAS MY constant companion. It ate me alive and consumed my every breath. I couldn’t see straight . . . couldn’t even think. I was powerless against its pull.
Then there was the guilt. It warred with the anger, making me feel sick to my stomach. My mind hurt, my heart was shattered, and I wanted to give up. I couldn’t seem to stop hurting the people around me, and then the anger and guilt grew even larger, more powerful
I hated myself.
I’d been fucking everything up lately. Roxie hardly spoke to me. The guys at work avoided me. A few clients had taken business elsewhere. Then there was Mia.
She sat quietly in the passenger seat beside me, staring out the car window. Our visit at the hospital had been uneventful. Mia cried, I raged, the nurses checked on Gia. It was the same as it always was.
I hated going to the hospital now. I couldn’t stand seeing Gia in the bed. I couldn’t stand being there while Mia broke down. I couldn’t stand feeling so fucking useless. It was pathetic.
My thoughts swirled, fueling me forward. If I had protected her from Brock, none of this would have happened. Gia would be awake and perfect. Mia would have another child. Instead, I was in New York City with Roxie.
I’d even started blaming Roxie. If she wasn’t such a distraction—if I had gone to New York for one day instead of four—I would have been here and everything would be different.
The bitterness entered and fought for its place inside me.
I couldn’t stop the war inside me. The rage fought a bitter battle with the guilt and sadness. Everything fed into the rage: hopelessness, fear, sadness, and resentment. It was too much for me and I couldn’t seem to stop being so fucking pissed.
I couldn’t look at Roxie anymore without contemplating how much of a fuck up I was, without thinking how much I couldn’t stand the sight of her. I blamed her even though it was wrong. She didn’t deserve that and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop the feelings. I couldn’t stop blaming everyone and everything. I was falling apart. Pieces of me fractured and crumbled. My heart hardened.
I paced the house. It was a way to burn off the agitation and overflowing emotions. I needed to do something. Working didn’t help. Nothing was a good enough distraction because Gia was still in that hospital bed and Mia was still broken.
I was so useless.
After a while, Mia came downstairs and grabbed my shoulders. I stopped.
“You’re driving me crazy! I can’t take this anymore. I have enough of my own crap. I don’t need your constant moodiness and willingness to hurt everyone around you, as well! I never know which David will be around. The David who is angry and lashes out or the David who’s supportive. I just want you to be okay, David, because I’m trying like hell to be okay myself!” she yelled and shook the shoulders she was still latched onto. Anger and frustration rolled off her in heated waves.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Mia.”
“I want you to be my brother, the David who has always been here for me. The one who was my biggest supporter. This David? I don’t know him and I don’t like him.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have gotten in the car that day!” I yelled. She lurched backward as her face crumpled.
“I don’t like that you’re so angry and hateful, David. I refuse to be around it anymore.”
“Whatever.” I stared her down, my gaze hot and daring her to do something.
“I’m moving back home.” Her words hit me like a freight train. My heart raced even as I sank into the nearest chair. “I’d rather be around the ghosts and memories than whoever you’ve become. If you aren’t careful, you’ll push everyone around you away.” She turned on her heel and ran back up the stairs. Her door slammed and I buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t seem to stop fucking everything up.
I wanted to be what everyone needed me to be, but I hurt so much. I wanted everyone around me to hurt as much as I did because I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle this.
Part of me wanted Roxie to walk away. Then I could be alone and sink into the storm inside me. She didn’t deserve the way I lashed out at her, but I couldn’t stop myself. At the same time, I wanted her to stay. She kept my head above water; I feared I’d drown without her.
I needed Roxie. She kept me grounded and was always there when I needed her. She was an amazing support for Mia. We both needed her, for very different reasons. I wasn’t sure which part of me would win, whether I’d keep her or push her too far.
A FEW DAYS later, Roxie was at my house helping Mia take all her clothing out to her vehicle. At this rate, Roxie wouldn’t be able to drive because there was too much shit in her car. I had offered to help, but was met with icy glares from both of them, so I kept my distance.
Over the last few weeks, Mia and I fought constantly. I didn’t want her to go home, and she didn’t want to stay. She complained I held back her progress, that my constant anger made it hard for her to move forward with her life.
Apparently, she started therapy and was doing whatever she needed to help her recovery and empower herself. She sorrowfully declared that I was stuck in the same place of bitterness and regret, and that it would cost me everything. Her words seemed to be prophetic.
Roxie had called me days earlier after I took Mia to the hospital, and I shut her out.
“I understand you’re hurting,” she told me,” but there is no way in hell you can keep treating me this way. I won’t be your punching bag, verbal or otherwise.”
“I don’t want you to be my punching bag.”
“Then wake the fuck up. I care about you, David, but I’m not taking this shit from you.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything. Just . . . figure out what you’re doing. I talked to Mia last night and you really hurt her, too. She asked me to help her move back into her place.”
“I know.”
“As I said, you’ll lose everyone if you’re not careful.”
Her words cut me open. With that, she ended the call and I hardly heard from her until today. And now, watching Mia move out and my girlfriend give me the cold shoulder, I was torn apart. My sister moving on with her life should be a good thing, but it felt . . . wrong. Maybe because I forced her to it. I’d been such an arsehole that she couldn’t stand to be around me.
Before long, Mia announced she was ready to go. I offered to help her move back in and she said I could come, though I couldn’t fit in Roxie’s car. I’d have to take my own.
Maybe the drive would clear my head.
Outside Mia’s house, the ghost of memories plagued me. I saw Gia everywhere. I heard her laughter and her sweet voice. I had no idea how my sister would live here when I couldn’t even stand to look at it. Gia should be here, playing and giggling. She shouldn’t be in the hospital bed, unmoving.
Roxie wrapped her arm around Mia and helped her toward the door. I followed behind them, uneasiness churning in my abdomen. As we walked inside, I spotted Gia’s toys and clothing and I was gutted. It felt as though I walked the halls with the ghost of her as she tugged on my hand and climbed into my lap. Pain filled my heart and I wanted to leave. Instead, I entered the living room and sat on the couch. I buried my face in my hands.
The couch dipped next to me and Roxie’s scent surrounded me. It was comforting and I leaned into her to seek her comfort rather than try to hurt her.
“I know it’s hard, David, but I think Mia moving back home is a good thing. I think it’s time. She needs to keep living so when Gia wakes up, she has a mother and a house to come home to.” Her voice was low, her lips close to my ear.
“I’m not sure how to do that.”
“I’ll help you. We’ll do it together.”
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and buried my face in her neck.
The rest of the day was spent helping Mia settle into her house again.
The door to Gia’s room and the nursery remained closed. We couldn’t deal with that today.
Roxie knew the perfect way to help Mia say goodbye to Brock.
I was outside, stoking the flames of a bonfire I just built. Roxie and Mia were filling a wheelbarrow with Brock’s shit. I felt good for the first time in months. Mia seemed happy to be getting rid of Brock’s stuff.
Roxie pushed the wheelbarrow closer to the fire as Mia walked beside her. She held a picture frame in her hand and was staring at it.
“All right, you need to throw his shit in the fire,” Roxie decreed. “You’re purging him from your life. Say goodbye to the assfuck that was Brock.”
Mia’s teardrops fell onto the glass of the picture frame. I recognized it as one that contained a wedding photograph. She removed the backing and grabbed the picture.
“Goodbye, Brock,” she whispered. She ripped the picture in half and threw it in the fire. The edges curled as it went up in flames. As Brock’s face warped and disappeared, something inside of Mia snapped. She moved to the wheelbarrow, grabbed a shirt, and tossed it in. “I’ll never have to listen to you call me stupid anymore.”
She grabbed two more articles of clothing and fed the flames. “I’ll never have to tiptoe around you when you’re angry. You won’t be able to tell me what to do and how to do it. You won’t follow behind me while I’m cleaning and tell me how I mess everything up, that I’m such a fuck up I can’t even dust right.”
Mia seemed to find a resolve that had been missing. She loaded her arms and threw as much as she could on the blaze. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her chest heaved. She was yelling at the fire now, cataloging all of Brock’s faults. Anger swelled inside me. I hadn’t realized how truly awful he was to her. The guilt grew because I didn’t know and I didn’t save her.
But I couldn’t deny that this helped Mia. She unloaded her soul, thoroughly purged Brock and all of his shit from her life.