by Beck, Jamie
“No parent has the secret to getting through those years without bumps.” Bobby thought he had all the answers back then. Just like I had at that age. Fools, all of us.
“Probably not, although it seems like it gets harder with each generation. Technology has heightened a lot of anxiety and depression. Kids are bombarded with information. It’s overwhelming. Even here in this little town we can’t get away from it all.” She sighs and sets her cup on the table. “Did my dad give you trouble?”
“We didn’t argue a lot over little things—teen rebellions.” Oh, the long hair, the loud music! “I worried about the big things—like if he would get drafted to Vietnam.” That still makes me shiver.
The military—war—it all makes me nauseous. This country can’t stop waging its wars.
“Oh gosh, that must’ve been nerve-racking,” Annie says, eyes wide. “I guess we’re both lucky that didn’t happen.”
Lucky, yes. And grateful that he didn’t enlist like Billy did long ago. For me, Billy had said, but I never wanted that. I can still picture the look on his face when we argued about it—the day when everything had started to go wrong.
“I hate that idea,” I’d told him, pacing Angie’s living room in front of the unattractive cream-and-brown floral-patterned sofa while the upstairs neighbor’s TV blared through the ceiling. How Angie lived with that night after night was a mystery. It must’ve kept Ben awake. At two, he could be a real handful. Billy adored his nephew, though. They were darling together. He said he didn’t need kids, but seeing them together made me realize I might like having some after I’d had a few years to travel.
Angie was in Ben’s room, reading him a book before putting him down for the evening. I tried to keep my voice calm but wanted to shout and storm off. Yet I couldn’t walk away from the man I loved to share everything with, and who understood me.
“Marie, please settle so we can talk,” Billy said.
I spun on him. “Why would you join the army?”
“To be respectable. To be a hero.”
I didn’t care if he didn’t have what my family considered a respectable job. “I’m afraid, Billy. The military is dangerous.”
He shook his head. “The war’s been over for years.”
“But there are other options. You could go back to your parents in New York and train for a different career. After I graduate, I could look for an apprenticeship up there, too.”
“Moving and training cost money I don’t have. The army will train me and give me a steady paycheck. Later it’ll even give me money for college. And after meeting you and seeing your family, I want more for myself now, too.”
I couldn’t exactly argue against a chance for a free college education. “But if you go, how will we see each other?”
“We won’t for a while, but we can write. You’ll be busy finding an apprenticeship with a photographer somewhere, right? Maybe once you learn what you need to learn, I’ll be stationed somewhere interesting, like Europe or Asia. We could get married so you could come live with me. Imagine the things we might see—the cultures we’d experience. You could work freelance for newspapers or magazines everywhere.”
I was stunned into silence. The kitchen clock ticked on, and in the distance, Ben fussed.
Billy cleared his throat. “We don’t have to. I mean—”
“You want to marry me?” My thoughts kept skipping, like they were stuck in some kind of strange loop.
“Well, yeah, Marie. I mean, we love each other, right? I’ll ask you proper . . . but—” He couldn’t finish because I lunged at him and squeezed him hard. I didn’t even know I wanted to get married until he said that, and then I just knew. I loved Billy. I really loved him.
He kissed my head and kept talking. “I know you worry about not having your dad’s support if you don’t go to college, but maybe you could move in with Angie to live cheaply as an apprentice around here. Then, once we’re married, you can find work from wherever I’m stationed. We’d probably get moved a few times, so it’ll be a real adventure like you want. No more being stuck in Potomac Point.”
His plan held some appeal, yet all I could think about was how many people had died in combat not that long ago. I looked into his eyes. “The Communists aren’t giving up. There could be another war.”
“Don’t think of the worst-case scenario. Think of the best—we could be in Belgium keeping the peace and preventing the Soviets from taking over. Imagine the images you could capture.” His eyes shone with a determination that my fears would not deter. He tugged at his greasy work overalls. “I’d trade in this ugly thing for a service coat. Picture me, defending our country. Wouldn’t you be proud?”
My heart ached. I admired his courage and patriotism but hated him risking his life.
He cupped my face. “Your father’s right about one thing. I can’t ask you to throw all your chips in with me and expect you to live like this—with no chance at the life you want.” He nodded around his sister’s cramped place. “I don’t want to hold you back, but if you want me to be part of your future, this is the best way. And if you hate military life, I can quit in eight years and get a different job or go to college. No more greasy hands and oil-soaked clothes.”
Frightened tears clogged my throat and nose. I wanted to leave this town. And I wanted Billy. But a military life—even for a few years—seemed alien and rigid. “I don’t know. This is so sudden for such big plans.”
“No matter what future you choose, you won’t be happy with a rift in your family. Look at how much that eats at Angie. I don’t want that for you.” He kissed me. “If we run off to New York half-cocked with no real plan, your father will never accept me. But he’d have to respect me if I’m defending our country.”
My heart hardened against my father. If he would only have helped us instead of fighting me, we would’ve had more options.
Billy stared out the window as if watching the movie of his future life playing on the clouds, so he didn’t notice my scowl. “I can do this. I want to do this, actually. I think I’d be good at it.”
A toy basket with bright painted blocks was at my feet. “Does your sister agree with this?”
“She starts her new job next week, so she won’t need as much support from me.” Hagman’s Insurance firm had hired her as a secretary. “I’ll still send her a little money each month. Plus my leaving her ‘alone’ could be the push my parents need to finally reach out to her and Ben.” He pulled me into a tight embrace.
“Won’t you miss Ben?”
When Billy dropped his arms, I instantly grew cold. “I thought you’d be proud. Excited even. I support all of your dreams. Can’t you support mine?”
“My dreams don’t put me in danger.” I could hardly believe I was arguing against a plan that would enable us to leave Potomac Point together.
“You don’t know that.”
“Sciocco testardo!” I stomped my foot and pouted.
Billy laughed and kissed me. “I should never have taught you that.”
“Your sister’s right. You’re as stubborn as they come.”
“Must be why we get along so well.” He wrapped me in another hug and planted a kiss on my head. “I have to leave for work. Just think about what I’ve said.”
I squeezed him tight. He loved me enough to change his whole life to be with me. How could I be upset about that? “I’ll think about it, but don’t you dare enlist before I agree.”
If I could change my father’s mind about Billy and college, maybe he could help us come up with another plan. Maybe he’d even give me the money he would’ve paid for tuition to put toward studying photography, and then Billy and I could get married later and move to New York.
Billy kissed me. Lush and warm as always. Everything smelled better, tasted better, and felt better with him.
When we broke apart, he took my hand and led me out of the apartment and down the stairs to the lobby. “Will I see you later?”
“Tomorrow ev
ening my parents have bridge club at the Parkers’. I’ll meet you here.”
He nodded. “It’ll be nice when we don’t have to hide.”
I couldn’t argue with that, so I didn’t. Playfully, I pushed him out the apartment door, then waited two minutes before exiting and going the opposite direction, but not until I stole one last look at him as he rounded the corner.
My heart was simultaneously aflutter and heavy. Along the walk home, I kicked pebbles. Billy was right. I’d never made real plans, just bellyached about feeling constrained by expectations and imagined a more interesting life. The thought of Billy in combat gear made me want to throw up.
I didn’t expect a proposal today, but Billy’s version of life together wasn’t as dull as the marriages around here looked. I’d love to travel, but army life sounded as strict as life with my dad.
By the time I got home, my blood was pumping through me in hot spurts.
My family was in the living room. The stupid song “Buttons and Bows” was playing, making me angrier. How could I let Billy put his life at risk if I wasn’t even willing to fight here on the home front?
“What’s the matter?” My mother set her book on her lap.
Lonna glanced up from her dolls, and my father folded his newspaper in half.
I wiped the frown from my face and kept my voice even. “I need to talk about something serious.”
My father leaned forward. “What’s going on?”
“I’m worried terrible things might happen if you don’t try to see things my way.”
“Is this about your friend?” My father’s gaze narrowed.
I stood erect, as if defying a firing squad. “Yes, it’s about Billy.”
“Not this again.” He sighed. My parents exchanged a look, although my mother didn’t appear as adamant as my father.
“Yes. This again.” I was shaking because once I admitted that I’d continued seeing Billy these past months, I had no idea what kind of hell would break loose. “We’ve been spending time together, and now he’s got it in his head that if he joins the army and we get married, he can help me see the world and you’ll respect him. But I don’t want him to end up in a war in some backwards attempt to please you. Please, Daddy. Trust me. He’s a good person. Can’t you please give him a chance and also help me pursue something other than college?”
My mother sank her teeth into her lip. Lonna shook her head at me.
“If he were a good man, he wouldn’t have let you lie to your parents. And what kind of example are you setting with this behavior?” His cheeks were crimson; his eyes, hard. “Consider yourself grounded until further notice.”
I remained there, chest puffed out, but shaky inside. “You can’t ground me. I’m an adult.”
“Oh boy,” Lonna mumbled.
“I most certainly can.” Daddy rose from his chair, but my mother reached for his hand, stopping him from advancing on me.
I trembled, but kept picturing Billy lying on some field somewhere. “Not if I don’t live here.”
I didn’t know where that came from, but I wasn’t sorry. Billy’s plans frightened me more than my father tonight.
Daddy shrugged free of Mom’s grip. “And where, exactly, would you go?”
Good question. My heart raced.
“To live with Billy’s sister.” Heat filled my entire body. Lonna pulled her knees to her chest, her eyes wide and afraid.
My father’s eyes clouded. His face pinched so tight he spat when he spoke. “Lonna, go upstairs to your room.”
I gulped. This wasn’t a good sign. Once she left, he stepped closer, his voice low and hot. “Marie Jean, what has this boy done to you? Are you pregnant?”
“No!” We hadn’t done anything like that.
He looked at me as though I was a stranger. “I don’t believe you.”
“I swear, Daddy. He respects me. Why do you keep thinking the worst of him and me?”
“Because you’ve been lying to us,” he shouted.
“I only lied because you won’t be fair.”
“Lewis . . .” My mother’s gentle voice instantly disarmed the room.
My father scrubbed his face with both hands. “This boy is having a bad influence on you, whether you see it or not.”
“That’s not true. He’s been begging to talk to you again. It’s me that’s been lying, looking for a way to convince you.”
“Why, Marie?” my mother asked.
“Because I love him, Mom.” I was crying, which made me mad. I didn’t want to be a baby, but I was scared. For Billy, and for myself. I couldn’t honestly imagine life without my family, but I couldn’t imagine it without Billy, either.
“You can’t love him. You hardly know him. This is infatuation, and it will pass when you go to college.” My father crossed his arms.
“It’s not infatuation.” How insulting. “We want to get married.”
He waved his arm in a brusque manner. “Get that out of your head. You’re going to college, and that’s that.”
“You never listen to me, but Billy does. He’s willing to change everything to help me create a life that excites me. You only want me to live life your way. If you force me to choose, I’ll choose him. But if you give us a chance, maybe there’s a way to make everyone happy without him having to join the army.” I turned to my mother. “Don’t you want me to be happy?”
“Of course I do, but why won’t you listen to our advice?” she asked, her voice pained.
“Because it’s my life—”
“Your life, that we’ve sacrificed things for to make better,” my father interrupted. “I’m not going to let you wreck your future over this man.”
My arms slapped against my sides. “I don’t want to wreck my life, either! But I need to keep Billy from enlisting just to please you.”
My parents exchanged a look, and then Dad crossed his arms. “Marie, someday you’ll understand why we cannot support this relationship. I’m telling you that this Billy can’t make you happy. Not in the long run. You have to trust me.”
“Why can’t you trust me? Listen to what I want instead of what you think I want. I don’t need all these things that you think are important.”
My mother’s eyes watered, so she looked at her lap. Daddy inhaled slowly.
“This discussion is over.” He returned to his chair. “You start university in September. For now, you will come home after school until we can trust you. I mean it, Marie Jean. If we catch you lying again, there will be grave consequences.”
I chafed at his control, ready to burst into flame. There would be grave consequences either way, it seemed, but I’d be damned if I let him decide my future when he wouldn’t even consider my opinions. Without another word, I raced past them and ran upstairs to my room, closed my door, and fell on my bed in tears.
He’d called my bluff, so I’d have to make good on my threat. When everyone was asleep, I’d pack my bags and then go to Billy tomorrow. I couldn’t live in sin, so we’d have to elope right away. I’d find some way to convince him not to enlist. After graduation, I’d get a job and we would work together to make a new plan.
Move to a bigger city to find better jobs and make our own rules.
Someday, when my parents saw how happy we were, they’d forgive me.
What choice would they have?
“Gram, why are you crying?” A pretty woman with curly hair hands me a tissue.
I look around but don’t recognize this room. It’s not my bedroom. I don’t know where I am. Where did everyone go?
She touches my arm, looking at me with a pitying smile. “Gram? It’s me, Annie.”
“Annie.” I nod. Annie . . . Little Annie? “You’re so big now.”
“I am.” She chuckles. “Do you remember what you were thinking about a minute ago?”
I shake my head. It’s probably good that I forget, because my body feels heavy, like it was something sad.
“Well, my yoga class starts soon, so I need to
go. I’m trying to be Zen, with Katy up at Richard’s. Being single at this age wasn’t part of my plan.” She sighs, zipping up her little jacket.
I grab her hand. I didn’t end up with the life I first meant to create, but Annie has been like a summer breeze all these years. “Even the wrong road leads to some wonderful surprises. You have been a gift.”
Annie’s eyes water. “Thank you, Gram. So have you.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
KATY
The glass-and-wood house looks like a bunch of corrugated boxes stacked on top of each other. As cold-looking as Lauren. And it’s nothing like the house my dad had chosen for us. Our house had classic features like pillars and mahogany paneling and crown molding. He loves that stuff so much his office has them, too. Why did he let Lauren talk him into this ice cube when he never liked modern design before?
I slam my car door closed after grabbing my overnight bag from the passenger seat. Visiting my dad shouldn’t make my throat tight and my eyes sting. My mom’s advice about playing nice and not giving Lauren ammunition rattles around my brain, but my stomach blazes as I head into enemy territory. Blinking and breathing deep, I trot up the walkway and knock on the door. That’s weird, too.
My dad jogs toward me—I can see him through the glass. He’s wearing his game-face smile. The one he uses with friends and colleagues, not the one he gives me when I beat him in a tennis match or hand over my report card. He’s probably nervous that I’ll do something to upset Lauren. That he cares more about her feelings than mine smarts.
“Hey, honey. Come in.” He takes my bag from me as we ease out of a brief hug.
He’s probably still pissed about the suspension. I’d talk to him about that if Lauren and her kids weren’t here. “Hi, Dad.”
“Are you hungry?” He motions for me to follow him into the bowels of this museum. The floors look like hardwood but are tile. Fake and cold, like Lauren. “I’ve got hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. Chopped onion like you like. Fresh tomatoes.”
I nod, although the flames in my gut leave little room for an appetite.
Everything in this house is done in shades of white and gray. Like, everything. Even the art. Oversize black-and-white photographs in clear glass frames. Charcoal drawings and monochromatic paintings abound.