She’s a selfish parent, yet she thinks I’m supposed to help her when she needs it.
I refuse to help her give up on life and slowly kill herself.
I stare at the door for what must seem like forever, until I finally turn away and sink into the couch, wishing I could disappear from this world.
Not even this joint is enough to make that happen. I’ve learned over the months that it does help calm me though.
Maybe that’s why my mom needs them so much, but what do I know?
I’m only thirteen . . . almost fourteen.
I don’t have everything figured out yet.
My whole body comes alive; this small spark of hope filling me as the front door slowly creeps open to soft footsteps making their way across the carpet.
There’s only one person I know who can walk so softly and quietly.
“Jax, I’m cold.”
When I look over at the front door, Alexandra is standing there, holding a small blanket over her bare arms.
It’s cold outside; so damn cold, and she’s not even wearing a jacket.
It makes me so mad, but I do my best to stay calm for her.
It’s something I’ve mastered, thanks to my mom.
“Come here, Lex. Hurry.” I pull the thick blanket from the back of the couch and cover us both up once she crawls next to me and curls up into my side.
Her skin is cold against mine, so I take my hands and rub them over her arms to help her warm up faster.
We don’t say anything for a long while as I hold her close to me and finish my joint.
We just sit here as Alexandra watches TV and giggles quietly once in a while at something she finds funny.
I can’t help but to laugh too, even though I’m not watching TV, because the sound of her laughter gives me small tingles that tickle my heart.
The only time I feel anything other than anger is when she’s around.
Now that she’s here, finally, all I want to do is watch her smile so I can see that she’s happy.
Her dad won’t allow her to watch TV unless it’s a show he’s watching, so when she’s here I let her control the remote.
But lately, I’ve just been keeping it on the few channels she seems to like the most. It calms me some, but not as much as her being here does.
“Why aren’t you wearing a coat, Lex? What happened to it?”
She lets out a small breath that hits my ear, before she hides her face in my shoulder. “He took it away from me so I wouldn’t sneak out after he passed out on the couch. But I had to come see you. I don’t care if it’s a cold walk.”
I hate the idea of her dad being so mean to her all the time. I hate that he treats her so badly and never lets her go out and have fun.
“You’re my only friend, Jax, and I missed your beautiful face. It always makes me feel better. Safe . . .”
“I like that it makes you feel better. It’s my job to make you feel happy and safe.” Leaning in closer to Lex, I wrap my arms tighter around her and make sure the blanket is nice and snug around her.
“Why is it your job?”
“Because I’m the boy and I’m older.”
“Only by eight months. Soon, I’ll be thirteen too and it’ll be my job to make you feel happy and safe like you do for me.”
“You do,” I admit. “You’re about the only thing that can make me smile anymore, Lex. You make me happy.”
“Is that true?” Her voice is soft and sweet as she speaks up at me. “Do I really make you happy?”
I hold her tighter; to the point I’m almost pulling her into my lap. She’s so tiny compared to me and I just want to protect her. “Yes. I’m not sure I’d know what happiness was if I didn’t have you in my life.”
“You make me happy, too, Jax. Ever since my mom took off . . .” she wraps her arm around mine and tightly holds onto it. “My dad has been horrible. I can’t stand being at home with him all day. But when I come here after he’s asleep, I forget about all the bad that’s happened to me. I like it here with you. I wish I could stay here, always.”
I kiss the side of her head, because I want her to know that I love her. I’m not sure in what way yet, but I know that I think about her almost every second of every day.
“I would love that, too. Because then I could take care of you, always. I’d make sure no one ever hurt you. Especially your dad. He’s an asshole.”
“You’re the greatest, Jax.” Her green eyes are soft as she looks up at me, taking me in. The way she’s looking at my lips has me swallowing and licking them, nervously. When she leans in and quickly presses hers against mine, my heart beats in a way it never has before and in this moment, I feel more alive than ever. “Thank you for being you.”
We’re both silent after that, unsure of how to act for a few moments, before she stretches beside me and hides her face into my arm again. “I’m so tired. Will you wake me up in a little while, Jax? I can’t sleep when I’m at home.”
“Yeah. Get some rest,” I say, my heart beating so hard it feels as if it’s about to fly from my chest.
Exhaling, I close my eyes and get comfortable. I can tell by her breathing she’s already fallen asleep, but the only thing I can manage to think about is how it felt when she just kissed me.
I don’t know why she kissed, but it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’ll be sure she knows this after she gets some rest.
I listen to her breathing for a while, my mind replaying our kiss until I begin to fall asleep myself.
I don’t know what time it is, but I wake up in a panic when I hear something at the front door.
It takes me a few seconds to realize that it’s someone knocking. The realization has my heart beating out of my chest with fear.
This is not good.
“Oh shit.” I shake Alexandra awake. “Your dad is outside. Wake up, Lex!”
Another knock comes, causing her to sit up and look over at the door with wide eyes. “It’s my dad! He’s going to kill me, Jax. What do I do? I don’t know what to do. He’ll hurt me. I don’t want him to hurt me anymore.”
I can see the panic and worry in her eyes and it hurts me. I hate that she has to be afraid of him and I wish I could do something to take her away.
“Go home and pretend you were sleeping in the garage on the cot the whole time. You know he never looks for you in there. Tell him it was an accident because you were reading and didn’t want the distraction of the TV.” I grab her hand and help her to her feet, before giving her a quick hug. “Sneak out the back door. I’ll keep him here for a few minutes. Hurry! Run as fast as you can.”
She seems scared, but listens anyway and quickly makes her way toward the back of the house.
Her father knocks again, but this time I can hear him screaming at me to open up before he breaks the door down. I quickly mess up my blonde hair and rub my face, making it as red as possible.
I need to look as if I’ve been sleeping for hours. He can’t know that Lex fell asleep here again.
I have no idea what he’d do to her and I can’t let him hurt her again. I’d have to steal a gun and kill him myself.
Yawning, I reach for the baseball bat we keep on the wall and open the door, pretending as if I’m fighting to keep my eyes open.
“Alexandra!” he growls. “Where is she? I know she’s here. I told her not to leave the damn house and this is the only place she comes to. Alexandra! Get your ass out here now!”
I yawn again and pretend I’m wiping the sleep from the corner of my eyes. “I haven’t seen Lex in three days. Not since you told her she wasn’t allowed to hang out with me.” I shrug and cross my arms with my baseball bat, making sure he sees it. “Maybe she’s in the garage. She likes to hang out in there. All her books are out there.”
He looks around me as if he’s checking to see if I’m lying.
“You wanna come in and look, Mr. Adams? If not, then I’d like to go back to sleep. I have school in the morning and you
’re keeping me up past my bedtime.”
He growls out and takes a step back. Actually, more like a stumble back. “No. I’ll just check the damn garage. She better be there or you’re both going to be in a shit load of trouble.”
I watch as he stumbles back again, almost falling off the porch.
He’s so wasted that he either hasn’t noticed my bat or just doesn’t care at this point. So much for intimidating him.
“Need me to walk you home?” I give him a cocky grin. “You can lean on my shoulder like my mom does when she’s fucked up.”
This seems to piss him off, so I hold back saying anything else, not wanting him to take it out on Alexandra.
It’s another reason I haven’t swung my Louisville Slugger at his head yet, but if he doesn’t stop hurting her then I just might take my chances.
Once he leaves I sit here for thirty minutes, before I slip my jacket on and walk two blocks over to where Alexandra’s house is.
Every light in the house if off, except for the TV, so I slip around the back of the house and stop beside her bedroom window.
I’m just about to knock, but freeze when I hear her screaming and crying out.
My entire body begins shaking and something takes over me that I don’t quite understand, but before I know what I’m doing, I open the window and climb inside with my baseball bat in hand.
Alexandra’s screams are so loud—as her dad towers over her beating her with his old belt—that he doesn’t even realize I’m in the house until I accidently knock something over on her dresser.
But it’s not his looks to kill that scares me. It’s the broken look in her eyes and the welts and scars all over her half-naked flesh that scares the shit out of me.
I’ve never been so terrified in my life, but seeing her this way will scar me forever.
She looks at me, shaking her head as her entire body trembles in fear.
“Don’t ever touch her again or I’ll kill you!” The words come out of my mouth before I can stop them, as I raise my bat up and squeeze it in my grip.
Keeping his eyes on me, he drops his belt on top of his daughter’s bruised body and laughs. “You’re going to kill me with that, boy?” He comes at me, and even though I know I should be afraid that he’s way bigger than I am, I stand up straight and tall. “You think you’re man enough? Huh!” He pushes me back and I stumble. “Huh?”
I scream out in anger and swing the bat at his head, knocking him down and into the side of Alexandra’s bed.
He looks up at me with wide eyes and grabs the side of his head, but before he can do anything I come at him and repeatedly swing my bat, not caring where I’m hitting him.
I keep swinging over and over again, wanting to hurt the piece of shit who’s been hurting Alexandra all these years.
She’s broken inside and it’s all because of him.
I’m still swinging the bat, determined to hurt him, when he somehow manages to grab my arm and stop me.
Then, next thing I know the bat is in his hands and I know that I’ve screwed up by letting that happen.
He stands up and the first swing he takes sends a bone-crushing sound through my right arm. I scream out in pain and fall to the ground as I feel the bone snap.
I can hear Alexandra crying out for me to run, but I can’t, because the swings keep coming, until my whole body is in pain and I black out . . .
I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR over an hour now, numb, just staring at the wall while drinking straight from a bottle of my dearest friend: Jack.
The water has since turned cold, my skin now wrinkled and disgusting, but I can’t seem to find enough shits to give, so I stay put.
Closing my eyes, I tilt the bottle back and take a long swig. The more liquor I consume, the more my thoughts lead to Jaxon and what he might be like now that he’s a man. Especially since I’m back in town where he could very well still be after all this time. Questions tumble in one after the other.
Is he still caring and protective like he was when we were kids?
Does he ever wonder what happened to me?
Is he married?
Have kids?
Frustration takes over and I find myself setting the bottle aside to run my hands over my face.
Why does it bother me so damn much to think about Jaxon with a family?
I haven’t seen or spoken to him in thirteen years. Surely, he’s changed. There’s no way he’d be able to make me feel like he used to.
We’re both different people, living different lives now.
And from the looks of his childhood home last night, his mom is no longer around. With that thought, there’s a chance he’s not even here at all. What if he moved after what my asshole father did to him that night?
I’ll never forget it. The vision of him bloodied and bruised still haunts me to this damn day.
I suck in a breath and hold it, before sinking under the water, keeping my eyes open.
I feel dead as I lie here, full of hate for this world that’s done nothing but take from me over and over again until there is nothing left of me to give.
My lungs feel as if they’re about to burst, but it’s not for that reason that I finally sit up and gasp for air. It’s because my thoughts suddenly change to the guy I met last night at the bar.
He made me angry. Lit a fire in me that I haven’t felt in years. Actually, he made me feel more in just that short amount of time than I have since before we moved away.
I spent my night trying to pretend it was nothing, but it was far from it. When I walked out that door after he kicked me out, I was pissed, yet part of me wanted to climb his hard body and choke him as he fucked me hard against a wall.
There’s nothing I hate more than a man telling me what to do, but shit if it didn’t slightly turn me on when he did it.
I didn’t even get to ask about that tattoo I went in there thinking I’d get.
My phone vibrating across the floor has me leaning over to reach for it.
“Oh, come on. Not now.”
Releasing a long, slow breath, I open James’ text.
James: Let me come over tonight and we can spend the night having sex and eating pizza.
Alexandra: No, James. I already told you we’re not going to make this an every night thing. We’re not a couple so let’s not pretend to be something we’ll never be.
James: Why? What is so hard about being with me? We’ve been fucking for longer than I’ve ever messed around with anyone else before. Is that all I’m good for?
Alexandra: It’s not about you, James. You want something I’m unable to give. I don’t know shit about love and I won’t pretend to either. I was upfront with you from the beginning. You were fine with it then. You changing is not my problem.
James: Come on, Alexandra. Let me come over for a quickie. You said it before . . . I don’t last long. Then I’ll leave.
Alexandra: No. You know my limit. Two times a week.
James: I scored some Xanax, Oxy, and Cocaine . . .
I think about it for a minute; my need to forget considering it. But the part of me that tries to survive without the pills wins out . . . for once.
Alexandra: Goodnight James.
Before I can change my mind, I toss my phone down and sink under the water. When I come back up, I sit here for a while, looking at the random scars that cover my flesh.
Some are faint, barely noticeable, while others are so visible that it’s hard to believe it’s been almost ten years since my father placed the last one on me.
The more I sit here and allow myself to think, the more the craving for some kind of relief consumes me. I’ve been sick for some time now, relying on anything I can get my hands on to numb the bullshit of my life. But even I’m tired of my own sick habits.
If I don’t get out of this damn house I know without a doubt I’ll be messaging James back and giving him permission to come over tonight.
Standing up, I step out of the tub and reach for a towel,
before I make my way through the house to find some clothes.
Thirty minutes later, I’m out the door and in my car, heading toward the only place I feel like being right now.
There’s a small chance this sexy, bossy, and possibly even dangerous man might be the only thing able to distract me from my past long enough to feel something other than what I’ve been feeling since I lost Jaxon.
Maybe what I need is to challenge myself. Something to get my blood pumping and to make me feel again. He did that all within a couple of hours.
It’s just past eight, so I have a feeling that sexy bartender isn’t going to like me showing up past dark, but he doesn’t get to make that decision this time.
If he wants to kick me out again, he’s going to have to carry my ass outside to the parking lot himself. A part of me believes he probably would too.
When I pull up at Savage & Ink, the parking lot is so full that I have to park across the street, unlike last time.
A majority of the vehicles parked outside are motorcycles again, which doesn’t surprise me, given the crowd I saw here yesterday.
I smile as I run my hand over a shiny, new Harley parked right outside the door. It’s so damn sexy that I can’t help but want to straddle it, so I do.
A throat clears behind me, probably expecting me to get scared and jump off in a hurry, but instead, I turn around and straddle it so I’m facing some guy leaning against the building with a joint resting between his lips.
He looks me over while bringing his tattooed hands up to light it. “You like my buddy’s new bike? It’s pretty fucking powerful.”
“Is that right?” I place my hands on the seat between my legs as I check him out in his white t-shirt and black jeans. His body is just as sculpted as the bossy bartender I met here last night. I think I could get used to this place. “I like powerful. Especially when it’s between my legs.”
“Well, fuck, baby.” He reaches down and grabs his dick with one hand, holding the joint with his other. “I’ve got a lot of power right here, gorgeous.” He releases his dick and takes another hit off the joint. “My buddy may not like it if you test drive his new bike, but I sure as fuck don’t mind if you test drive my cock.”
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