by Aria Ford
“Yes,” I said to the lady from human resources at the other end. “Hi, Aaliyah I'm filling it out now...”
I shuffled through the papers on my desk, finding the form she meant.
“Will you send it down urgently?” she asked.
“Yes,” I sighed. “I'll ask our secretary to take it down.”
“Thanks.”
She hung up and I collapsed on my desk. I was drained. The flight had been good, but coming straight back into work was proving to be really hard. I felt as if I'd been working non-stop for a week and it was only twelve-fifty.
“Darby?”
“Yes? What?” I looked up tiredly into Leo's face. A senior lawyer and a good friend, he looked at me with a concerned frown.
“I wanted to ask if you're joining us?” He said. “It's lunchtime.”
I sighed. “I'll pass. Catching up.”
He grinned. “I understand. See you around. Take care, hey?”
“I'll do that. See you, Leo.”
“You sure you're not joining?” Margot, my office-mate asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded sadly. “I'm sure. Too much to do in here.”
“Okay,” she said, resigned. “See you.”
“See you.”
When she'd gone my office was empty, finally. I leaned back on the chair and looked at the ceiling. I was sad. Really sad.
Ignoring this was not going to make it go away, but what could I do?
I'd followed my friend's advice. I tried to corner Alex and tell him about Jared the day I left. I'd got as far as the first sentence before I'd lost my nerve.
“Alex, I...” I'd started.
“What, Darbs? You look stressed.” My brother lifted an arched eyebrow in a frown.
“I wanted to tell you I, um... never mind.”
I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Faced with Alex fresh out of the shower in a crisp shirt and jacket, I couldn't find my nerve. My brother was everything that was completely different to Jared. Seeing him that morning had just made it all the more obvious: crisp suit, trimmed beard, neat hair. He would have tried to understand my viewpoint, which would have made it even worse. I felt like a teenaged girl trying to tell her parents she was seeing a guy from reform school.
If I can't even tell Alex about it, what am I even thinking about him for?
It was stupid.
I reached for the form that needed to be filled out and sent to human resources. Ironically, it was the form about the leave I'd just taken. Filing it out had a sort of eerie finality to it. The last full-stop on that time. That was it – my fun was over. It was time to get back to work
I stood and went heavy-footed to put it on our secretary's desk. When I got back to my own desk, I sat down heavily.
“What you need, Darby, is a distraction,” I said to the empty space of my office.
I would forget about Jared. Of course I would. It had been a crazy, fun thing in my otherwise mundane, routine existence. But that was it.
I wasn't serious about him, not really.
But I knew that wasn't true. Looking into his eyes, sleeping beside him...it felt different than anything I'd ever experienced in my life. And besides, if I wasn't serious about him, why didn't I just forget? I kept on recalling little things: the sound of his voice, the way he touched me, the warmth of his touch.
Yes, the sex had been... incredible. My body wanted to explode with pleasure. But it wasn't just the sex. It was his eyes that stayed with me. That sweet, sad, trusting look. He had trusted me.
And I had walked away.
It wasn't that I felt bad. I didn't. I had fallen for those blue eyes and the sweetness deep inside him. He had a rough life, but in some ways he was less hard, less city-slick and fake, than the people I saw every day.
“Darby?”
I jumped. It was Mr. Northern, my boss.
“Yes?”
“You know that case you're working on?”
“The tax evasion?”
“Mm.”
“Yes?”
“I want you to work with Sheri on that – she's a tax lawyer...get some pointers from her. We need to win this one. It's big.”
“Yes, sir.”
“If we can pull this off, we can get this place a reputation that'll bring us more work than ever before. Got it? Don't let me down.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I know it looks straightforward. But it isn't. Trust me.”
I sighed. It did look straightforward. To me it looked as if our client was only very tenuously in the right. I was fairly confident he was doing something a bit shady, but if my boss thought we should defend him, well...
Darby!
I was shocked at myself. It was another world, my job. I loved it – I really did – but sometimes we had to deal in things that weren't exactly what I would have considered clear cut moral issues.
I went to go and talk to Sheri. She was the most experienced lawyer in the practice and I felt somewhat nervous as I waited at her door.
“Hi?”
“Ms. Gilmore! Hi.” She waved me in. “You have something you want to ask me? I have about ten minutes if you do...”
“Oh. Thanks. Mr. Northern wanted me to ask about that tax case. It seems straightforward...” I trailed off as she laughed.
“Dream on.”
We both laughed.
“You have any ideas about it?” she asked.
“Well...” I reached for my pen and the paper I'd brought with me – I like to make mind maps of these things. I find it helps me to follow the thread of ideas. “I was thinking that, since there is that clause you mentioned already that says...”
As I worked, I realized something. I really loved my job. No way was I going to compromise it for anything. Yes, we had to do things I didn't like sometimes – defend people I knew were probably doing bad things – but the challenge drove me. It got me out of bed in the mornings.
At that thought, I suddenly remembered Jared. Those blue eyes, his rippling shoulders.
“And... Darby?”
“Oh!” I blinked. “Sorry, Ms. Hudson. I was distracted.”
“Mm. Now, what I suggested was...”
We discussed the job a bit more in detail and by the time he left I felt even more frazzled and stressed out than I had before. I was falling behind. I knew she was concerned about me. I was concerned too.
I think I'm going crazy.
I was back. But half of me was still in an apartment in Wyoming, looking up at a retro ceiling, falling in love.
I knew this was stupid. But at the same time, it was the first time in my life I'd felt like this. I couldn't remember ever feeling about Alan or any of my former boyfriends the way I felt now. Why?
Maybe Jared just suited me more. I trusted him. He trusted me. I felt safe with him. I missed that.
My phone rang.
“Hey, Darby. You okay?”
It was my brother. “Yeah. I'm fine.”
“Good. Still joining in that hike on Saturday?”
“Yes,” I said, surprised. “Why do you ask?”
“Just thought it would do you good. I worry about you.”
“Alex, you know I'm okay. You do spend a lot of time being my big brother.” I sounded exasperated but I hoped he could hear that I was actually quite moved by his concern.
He laughed. “Yes, I do. I love you, Darbs.”
I felt a lump in my throat. “Love you, Alex. Bye.”
I put the phone down and was surprised that I was crying. I hadn't expected to. It was Alex's care for me that caused that. I realized I missed the way Jared cared about me.
I would forget that, I thought. I bit my lip, holding in the tears. It had happened and now it wasn't happening. I was here.
I knew that what Alex – and the rest of my family, fine, but Alex in particular – thought, meant a lot. Second, I knew that I would never do anything that would compromise my work.
Jared might compromise both those things.
I should forget him.
I leaned back in my desk and looked up at the ceiling, my heart aching. I knew what I had to do. I also knew I was being stupid for having taken so long.
“He's probably forgotten me.”
I bent over my desk and moved on to filling in forms – that was part of my life: my real life, not the sweet, amazing idyll I'd lived for the last week. I had to forget that – I was sure Jared had.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Jared
The morning sunshine woke me and I groaned, sitting up. I felt confused, mad and sad.
I couldn't forget her.
It was terrible. My mind went around in crazy circles trying to make myself forget, but I couldn't. It was impossible. When I woke up, I smelled the scent of her. I had washed the sheets, but it didn't seem to help – the lavender sweetness was just stuck in my nose.
When I drove to work I thought about her. My mind made pictures of that stunning body, those long legs and those shapely curves. I gritted my teeth and tried to think about something else, but it didn't help.
“Dammit!” I yelled. It was the fourth morning after she'd left. I was driving to work, and I kept on thinking about her. I pulled over and stopped the truck, leaning on the steering-wheel.
“My life is a mess.”
For the first time since I had met Alex, since my life had changed, I found I was missing a drink. I wanted to just throw it all in. I was sick of this. Who was I kidding, anyway? I was meant to be no-one. Why was I even trying to be anything else?
I considered turning around, just driving. Handing in my notice on the apartment, leaving this town. I was a city boy. I lived hard. I had the marks to prove it. The scars, the knotted knuckles. The gang-marks.
I ran a hand down my face, noticing I hadn't even bothered to shave. My life was crazy at the moment and I just wanted out.
If I turned back now, though, what would happen to me. Once you've left a street gang, you can't go back. They don't take treachery well. They would kill me if I went back to my old neighborhood, gang marks or not. Especially gang-marks.
“Fine. I'll give it one more go.”
I pulled out of the side of the road, headed back to the ranch.
I went into the shed to change into my working clothes.
“Hey!” Cody greeted me. His face, so open and friendly at first, suddenly fell. “Hey. What?”
I shook my head. “Nothing, Cody. I'm fine.”
I wasn't, of course. I had been crying, but there was no way he was going to know that.
“Listen, Jared, something's up,” he said gently. “You don't need to tell me. But if you want, I'm here.”
I sighed. Actually, telling someone – if I could find words – would be good. I should, if nothing else, pass on the information about the gang member who'd threatened to expose my past.
“You know,” I began, looking at the floor, “I'm... I had a past. I mean, sure, everyone does. But like, I have history. Bad stuff.”
“Jared, you...”
“No,” I cut him off quickly. “You don't need to say you understand and it doesn't matter. It does matter. It would matter of Haddon found out. He wouldn't want an ex gang-member working on his ranch, now, would he?”
Cody's eyes widened fractionally. I watched his face carefully, but he didn't show any other sign of surprise or displeasure. He pursed his lips in thought. Then grinned.
“Well, I dunno. If he's had one working on his ranch for two months, he can kinda put up with it, right?”
I chuckled mirthlessly. He was right, really. But I didn't think our boss would see it that way.
“I dunno.”
“Jared, listen. We all know you have history. It doesn't matter to us. We all like you. And if Haddon didn't like that, well...we'd sort him out. He'd listen to us. Trust me.”
I stared at him. Did I trust him? Good question. I had trusted Darby, but she'd turned away. Not that she hadn't actually warned me she would – she'd said that from the start.
“I...” I paused. “Well, I told you and you didn't say anything,” I said. “So yeah, I trust you. And... yeah, I trust the others too. Jeff and Nics.”
“Good,” Cody said. “So whatever you're worried about, you don't have to be.”
I sighed. “It's not just my past coming up that's worrying me,” I confessed.
“Oh?”
I sighed. “Well, it's lots of things. But yeah. Mainly that.”
“Hey!” Nics was shouting through the wall. “Come on, guys!”
Cody closed his eyes a moment, exasperated. “Keep your hair on, Nics,” he yelled.
Nichol laughed. “I wish I could, Code. It's been falling out for years.”
We all laughed and Cody, dressed in his work clothes, went out.
“Fine. You restless son of a gun. We're ready. I've got to go see the boss anyway.”
We all trooped out to get working. It was still early – the sun had risen about half an hour ago and the scent of crisp morning air was good and fresh. I breathed in strongly, letting it wash through me and clean out the nameless worries.
Work was one distraction after another and I found it hard to focus on my memories of Darby, which was a good thing. I didn't need to be thinking about her. She hadn't called back or answered my texts, not once. Why was I so stubborn? Why didn't I just forget about it?
We took the herd out – me, Nics and Jeff did. Cody had to go have a word with the boss. When we rode back, Cody came running up.
“What's up?” Jeff frowned. “We all fired?”
I felt my heart sink. Had he heard something? What was so urgent. I felt sick with worry.
Cody laughed at Jeff. “No. Nothing about the boss – sorry,” he added to Nics, who had gone white as a sheet. “It's a message for you.”
I frowned. He was looking at me.
“A message? From who?”
My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew what I hoped – I hoped it was a message from her.
“It's this. I dunno,” Cody said. “Boss found it outside the main building yesterday. Dunno what this is all about.”
He was holding an envelope. My heart sank. There was no way it was from Darby. How could she leave an envelope on the path outside the main building? She was in Massachusetts now.
“Let's see it?”
He handed it up to me with a frown. I took it. It had my name on it, but no other identifying marks. I felt my heart start to pound. I knew what this was. It was from the gang.
I read it. Crumpled it up in my hand. I was shaking. I saw Cody and Jeff stare at me. I shook my head.
“Don't worry,” I said confidently. “I can deal with it.”
I wasn't sure that I could, of course. I had no idea of anything right now. All I knew was that the note meant real trouble for me.
I dismounted and tried to stop shaking as I led my horse into the stable. I took off his harness and saddle and then headed outside, where I leaned against the wall and covered my eyes with my hand.
The note had been short and explicit.
We're watching you and we know where you work. We're telling your boss.
How the hell did they know where I worked? I sighed. I knew how. When Cody came to fetch me from the hospital, he'd used the pickup from work. The one with Haddon Ranch emblazoned on the side. One of the guys visiting their gang-member in the hospital must just have seen it. That would be it.
I might as well hand in my resignation now. Save them the trouble.
“Jared?”
“Dammit, Cody,” I swore. “You scared me. I'm fine. Really. Stop freaking me the hell out.”
Cody looked hurt, but I wasn't about to worry who I was offending. “Okay, fine,” he said defensively.
I closed my eyes and ignored him. Stayed where I was, leaning against the wall in the late-morning sunshine.
I thought through different courses of action. Tell the boss myself and hope that I beat whatever smear campaign those guys were trying to star
t against me? Leave? Tell my buddies and see if we couldn't stop this happening?
I sighed. I didn't know. I didn't even know if any of those scenarios would even work. The boss would probably fire me. The guys would probably be shocked. And if I left? Where would I go? It wasn't like I was sticking around for a good reference letter from Haddon. So I'd likely end up on the street again, running for my life.