“I certainly don’t need your money.”
She had to convince him of the madness of his thoughts. “Love is a convenient emotion for you, Banning. You decide we should marry because I fit into your little box,” she made a square in the air, “of what makes a perfect wife. So you must love me.”
“This has nothing to do with your qualifications.”
“Oh, I believe it does.”
“I took your virginity. You may be ruined.”
She released a coarse laugh. “Dear Lord, do you propose to every woman you sleep with?”
“Only when I take their virtue,” he retorted.
“Did you plan this? Your sister told me you were searching for a wife. Was I just a convenient woman who might fit into your plans of marriage?” She stared down at him.
“No. And I never planned this.” His anger emanated from him like the strong breeze at the shore. He eased himself off the sand to stand next to her. His hands clenched into fists. “Well? I made you an offer.”
“No.”
“Pardon?”
“I cannot marry you, Banning.”
He drew in a deep breath. “Why not?”
“Because…” How could she tell him? He would only try to convince her that she was wrong. But she wasn’t. He couldn’t truly love her. He didn’t know what love was. Marriage was a death sentence to a woman especially if she loved her husband. All her freedoms, all her loves, taken away from her until she died a pathetic old woman, or worse, a pathetic young woman like her mother.
“Well?”
“I’m sorry. I just can’t.” Avis lifted her skirts and ran from the shore. By the time she reached the house, she was panting.
Knowing he must be following behind her, she fled to the sanctuary of her writing room. She searched the room until she found the key on top of the old bureau. Only after locking the door did she allow herself to sit and catch her breath.
“Avis,” Banning shouted from the hallway.
She watched the doorknob turn and the door rattle, but the lock held him at bay.
“Unlock this door so we can talk.”
“No. There is nothing to discuss. I cannot marry you.”
If only she felt as confident as her voice sounded. She couldn’t marry him. But every time she thought those words, another voice in her head told her she could. Listening to that voice would only bring her ruin.
“Open this damned door or I will knock it down.”
She almost smiled. As if he could knock down a locked door. But the sound of splintering wood turned her head toward the open threshold.
He stood at the entrance, his hands on his hips and an angry grimace on his face. “Don’t ever lock me out again.”
“Get out, Banning. I need some time alone.”
“No,” he answered, stepping into the room. “I want some answers.”
Avis stood up and faced him. “I do not wish to marry you or any other man. You’ve always known that. My God, you’re the one who named us the Spinster Club.”
He eased toward her. “Even a spinster can change her mind.”
“Not me.”
“Give me one good reason.”
She had plenty of excuses—reasons. But as her mind processed them, none of the explanations sounded plausible. She didn’t want to hurt him, but he’d left her no choice. “I don’t love you.”
He stared down at her for what seemed like minutes. She trembled under his scrutiny.
“I don’t believe you,” he said finally.
She jerked her head upward and looked into his eyes. Those beautiful, sparkling blue eyes that normally shined with happiness, contentment, even love, now hardened like the icy waters of the North Sea.
She glanced away from his prying stare. “It’s the truth.”
“Prove it.”
Before she could determine his meaning, he picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder as if she weighed no more than a stone. He strode to the bedroom.
“Put me down. This is not the Middle Ages where you can just take any woman you choose.”
His hand caressed her bottom, kneading the flesh he found under her skirts. Even angry with him, all the sensations that flooded her senses when he was near started again. She didn’t fear his show of strength, but she was madly aroused by it.
“Put me down!”
He eased her down his chest, slowly, deliberately. Her breasts rubbed against him, her nipples hardened with his nearness. She didn’t want him this way, full of anger and frustration. But before she could have another thought, he kissed her with a hot passion that she couldn’t refuse.
She knew she should push him away. Tell him he was a fool for trying to seduce her after she’d told him she did not love him. But she didn’t. She was lost to the wondrous sensations of being seduced in a fury.
Her dress slipped from her shoulders, baring her body to his perusal. She should be stronger.
“Push me away, Avis,” he mumbled against her neck. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
She really should do just that. She had only a few more days with him. The memories of their time together would have to last her a lifetime. She tore at his clothes with a ferocity greater than his own. Her body already ached for him to fill her, to send her to ecstasy at least one more time. She arched toward him as he took her nipple into his warm mouth. Pulling him closer, she felt as if her knees would buckle. Then they did.
He caught her in his arms and carried her to the bed. Covering her with his hard body, he mumbled against her breast. “Tell me you don’t love me, Avis.”
“I—ahh.”
He suckled her deeply. “Tell me, Avis.” He skimmed his lips across her belly, downward to her core. “Tell me.”
“I—.” She couldn’t get the words to come out when he laved the tender nub between her legs. She couldn’t think a coherent thought.
“Tell me, Avis,” he said again as he sank one finger deep inside her.
She closed her eyes as her muscles tightened around his finger. The pressure increased with each steady stroke but it wasn’t enough. She wanted him one last time. Closer and closer she came to release, and then his finger was gone. The tip of his hard shaft entered her and stopped. She tried to move, but his weight made it impossible.
He grasped her hands and held them above her head. “Tell me, Avis,” he whispered in her ear. “Tell me you love me.”
She couldn’t take another minute of this unfulfilled passion. Slowly, he eased out and again let just the tip of his cock fill her. She needed him. She wanted him. She loved him.
“I love you,” she rasped.
He filled her completely, stroking her with a wildness that she’d never felt before. He glided his hands down her arms until he clutched her hands tightly to his. “Let me love you, Avis.”
She went still and stared at him. The man from her dreams. All those weeks she had been dreaming of Banning and hadn’t even realized it. She lifted her legs and wrapped them around his hips, letting every stroke send her higher with him. Certain she could go no further she arched her back and shuddered with abandon. He followed quickly behind her, spilling his seed inside her.
It wasn’t until her heart calmed that she realized just what he’d done.
She had no protection. And she was certain he’d known it.
Banning rested his head on Avis’s shoulder basking in the glow of their lovemaking. She loved him and the feeling was indescribable. Contentment filled him with every breath he took. They would marry, have a handful of children, and make love every night.
He would have the best of both worlds. A good, strong marriage bound by love not duty, and a passionate wife who wanted him to satisfy her. She satisfied him both emotionally and physically. Everything was perfect.
“How could you have done that?” she shrieked, pushing him off her. She scrambled off the bed. After grabbing her wrapper, she tossed it on and stared down at him.
“What exactly did I do?”<
br />
“You stayed inside me when I had no protection!”
He shook his head in confusion. “Why does that matter now? Even if you do get pregnant, I’ll have the special license in a few days so the baby will be born just about nine months after the wedding. No one shall talk about that.”
She clenched her fists in front of her. “Have you heard nothing I told you today?”
He sat up slowly and grinned at her. “I heard you say you love me.”
“Under duress.”
“Duress?” he asked, raising a brow at her.
“Yes.”
“Call it whatever you like,” he said, anger slowly welling inside him. He gathered his clothes and put on his trousers. “You might be pregnant—we’ll marry.”
“I am not marrying you.”
“Yes, you will.” He was done with this conversation. He tossed his shirt over his head and quickly fastened the buttons.
“How exactly will you force me to marry you?”
His fingers faltered on the last button. Damned good question. Her father was dead. She had no true guardian and was well past the age of majority. Would she fall for the blackmail ruse again? He highly doubted it but what choice did he have?
“Shall I tell the world how the Ice Maiden is really a passionate woman who loves to swive a man until she can’t think, until she confesses she loves him?”
“I daresay you won’t go through with it.”
He stalked her until he stood only a few inches away. Her angry breath heated his face.
“What do I have to lose?” he whispered harshly. “People love to believe you are so proper and would never take a man to bed. I know you are hot. You burn with desire and passion. The ton would love to hear about the woman I know.”
“You bastard!”
He flinched as her hand made contact with his cheek. No more than he deserved. Still, the woman had quite an arm on her, his face hurt like the devil. Without looking at her, he turned and left the room.
He made his way down the stairs as a knock sounded at the door. “Just a moment,” he shouted.
The footman wore the Selby livery, but Banning didn’t recognize him. “My lord, I have an important message from your sister.”
“Are you to wait for a reply?”
“Yes, my lord.”
Banning scanned the note and cursed. “Tell her I shall arrive home as quickly as possible. Go around to the groundskeeper’s house and tell Mr. Hathaway to ready my coach. Make haste, lad.”
The boy took off running for the Hathaways’ home. Banning slammed the door shut. He took the steps two at a time. So much for giving her time to calm down and think rationally. He rushed into the room and stopped dead.
Avis sat on the floor with her hands covering her face weeping. He crouched down beside her and slowly removed her hands. She attempted to twist away from him.
“Go away,” she cried.
“I cannot do that.” He attempted to draw her into his arms, but she turned the other direction. “Unfortunately, we must leave for London immediately. The Duke of Kendal has died.”
The Duke of Kendal had been a dear friend of his family, and more importantly to Avis, her best friend’s father.
“What? Oh God, Elizabeth!”
“We must pack and get back to town.” He stood and started packing his bag.
Avis nodded but still remained on the floor, staring at the floral design on the carpet. “I’m sorry.”
“We shall discuss this another time. We may miss the service if we don’t hurry.”
He held out his hands and assisted her to her feet. All he wanted to do was draw her into his arms and comfort her.
“Please remove yourself while I dress,” she said in a firm voice.
“I’ve seen you naked before.”
“Our time is over. We must go back to proper morals and values and—” She stifled a sob.
“As you wish.”
He left her to sort through her emotions and change into a more suitable outfit. He packed up her papers in the other room. Unable to stop himself, he read a few pages she had written and smiled. She never needed to learn about passion, she had that in droves. All she ever needed was to let go and become the writer that was always inside her.
Now if she’d only free herself from the emotional ties that held her bound. Something or someone was keeping her from marrying him. And he was determined to discover what secret she’d kept from him.
Avis stared at the room once more before she left it forever. The white coverlet was back in its appropriate position and not twisted from two writhing bodies locked in a passionate tryst. The cotton curtains blew out like ghosts haunting the room. Or more fittingly, like the memories that would haunt her forever.
She glanced around once more. Not that she’d forgotten anything. No, she wanted to remember this room for the rest of her life. All she would have was her memories of these past few days. This was for the best, she attempted to convince herself. She had to get back to her normal routine, and no time with Banning was ever normal.
In the short time they shared, she had never laughed as much as she had with him. She felt safe, happy, and for once in her life, loved by a man. All she had to do was say yes to him. A simple three-letter word.
But life was never simple.
Marriage was a prison. She would rather live by herself than subject someone to what she feared was inside her. Being like her mother had never been an overwhelming concern to her because she’d always known she would never let a man abuse her. All her life she’d tried to control her anger. Her mother had forced Avis to learn how to restrain herself so she wouldn’t hurt another person. Today, she failed. She’d hit the man she professed to love.
Fearing Banning. Fearing that he might change, might grow violent was just a cloak she hid behind. A cloak to disguise what she feared most—the truth.
She was no better than her father.
Chapter Fourteen
Neither Banning nor Avis spoke as the tension in the coach grew thicker with every mile that passed. She pulled at her silk gloves in her lap, stretching each empty finger. Even before their affair started, she had thought their parting might be difficult, but she’d expected after such an intimate time together they could still be civil. Given his stubborn silence, she realized civility wasn’t an option.
They were bound to run into each other at most of the ton’s social occasions. As it was summer, she shouldn’t have to worry overmuch about Society and balls and parties in town.
The Kesgrave country party was only a few weeks away, and it was the only summer obligation she’d agreed to attend. She had also promised Jennette that she would brave her motion sickness and attend the party. Banning would be there. They might have to talk to each other, at least while others were present. She doubted they would ever speak privately again. She would never have an intimate conversation with him, or listen to him play the pianoforte, or edit naked with him, which was deliciously wicked. She’d never have anything but this blasted tension with him.
Acid burned the back of her throat. She had to get out of the coach.
“Stop the carriage, Banning.”
He stared at her for a moment then banged his fist on the roof of the carriage. They came to an immediate halt. Avis didn’t even wait for the coachman to open the door. Scrambling past Banning, she fled the vehicle and raced for the nearest tree. After emptying her stomach, she leaned weakly against the trunk. The fresh air slowly settled her stomach down again.
“Avis,” Banning said, concern lacing his voice. He handed her a handkerchief. “Do you need to rest here for a short time?”
She shook her head. “We should be able to travel again. My stomach is empty.”
“Is this a problem with motion or should we travel to the nearest church and marry immediately?” He cocked a black brow at her.
She brushed past him. “I am not with child.”
“Or you just haven’t discovered tha
t you are yet,” he replied softly.
Her feet refused to move further. She turned around and leveled an angry glare at him. “I have this problem every time I travel.”
“You didn’t on the way here.”
“I slept most of the way.”
“Hmm,” he said, disbelieving her. “My proposal still stands. If you find out there is a child from our affair, you know where I live.”
In her heart, she knew Banning would be a wonderful father to any woman’s child. But she couldn’t be trusted with a baby. Slapping his face earlier today had proven that to her.
She couldn’t be pregnant, she thought rubbing the scar on her arm. While the physical marks on her had faded, the memories never would. She would never forgive herself if she hurt a child in anger. The only way to prevent that from happening was to never marry and have children. And never have sexual congress again.
No matter how difficult it would be to live without Banning, she had no choice. Only difficult didn’t even start to encompass how hard this would be. She felt as if her heart had broken into shards too small to repair.
She walked back to the coach and climbed inside. The ride would take another four hours before they even reached the inn. Four more hours of his company today. She prayed he would get them separate rooms for the evening.
Banning reached down under the seat and pulled out a pillow. He placed it on his lap. Patting the pillow, he said, “Put your head down and sleep off your sickness.”
She did as he suggested though her mind warred with the idea that she was succumbing to his charm again. But she certainly was not because that would mean there remained a chance she would change her mind.
As she inhaled his heady, spicy scent, her mind wandered to a future without him. Her nights would never be the same. She wouldn’t wake up to his soft snore in her ear or the weight of his leg over hers. Instead, she would have her cold, lonely bed. She pressed her lips together to keep from crying.
His hand gently caressed her hair as she drifted off and she wondered if life could be any more complicated.
Christie Kelley Page 13