“We were seen?” she whispered.
“Not entirely,” Banning said, stepping closer to her. “No one saw your face, only mine.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to worry needlessly.”
“Oh my God,” she mumbled, holding her trembling hands together. “This is my punishment for rash behavior.”
“No, it is not,” Banning replied, caressing her cheek with his gloved hand.
“I bid you both a goodnight,” Kesgrave murmured. He drained his brandy and then headed for the door. He closed the door behind him, leaving Avis and Banning alone in the study.
If Lord Kesgrave had figured out their secret, chances were good someone else might too. Then her life would be ruined. The urge to lay her cheek against Banning’s chest became almost too much for her. She wanted his comfort. She desperately needed him to tell her everything would be all right. But he couldn’t do that because her life was such a dreadful mess.
She couldn’t stop her head from dropping to his shoulder. He encased her in his strength and comfort. Lately, Banning appeared before her every time she needed reassurance. She was coming to depend on him far too much.
“Trey won’t speak of this.”
“I know,” she whispered.
She should leave before someone discovered them. She pushed against his chest to ward him off.
“Goodnight, Banning.”
“Don’t go.”
She turned back to face him. His blue eyes sparkled at her in the dim candlelight. “I have to. We both know what happens when we’re alone in a room such as this.”
He smiled, walking closer to her. “A study?”
“Yes,” she answered, taking a step away from him.
“Is there something wrong with that?” He stepped nearer to her again.
This time she could smell the rich aroma of the brandy he’d been drinking. She slowly backed up until her bottom hit the closed door. He stalked her, never taking his ardent gaze off her.
“We just cannot leave this room without a kiss,” he whispered. “It’s what we do.”
But could he leave it at just one kiss? Could she? Memories of making love with him overwhelmed her senses, the taste of him, the spicy scent of the soap he used, the feel of his chest hairs tickling her breasts, the sound of his moans when she kissed him, and the dark look in his eyes as he watched her reach her climax. She wanted him again. Who was she fooling? She had never stopped wanting him.
And she never stopped loving him, either.
He lowered his head slowly as if waiting for her to reject him. But she felt powerless to do anything but watch his full lips come closer to hers. His lips grazed hers, a mere whisper of a touch. A tease of a kiss.
She grasped his lapels and pulled him closer, if only for a moment. Seeing the smug smile on his face just before he passionately kissed her should have cooled her desire—it didn’t. She couldn’t take this further than a kiss, but that didn’t mean she had to be the one to break the exhilarating contact.
His lips trailed a path to her ear. After circling the outer shell, he whispered, “Come to bed with me, Avis.”
Oh dear Lord, how she wanted to do that.
“I want you,” he muttered. “Right now. I want to feel you naked in my arms again.”
He tempted her with his words of passion. It would be so easy to give in to his allure. But it would not be smart.
“No, Banning.”
He smiled against her cheek. “You want me, Avis. I feel your heart pounding against my chest. I hear your ragged breathing. Tell me you don’t want me.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Then we should go to my room.”
“I can’t do that either.”
“Why?”
Such a simple question, but one with far too many answers. “I cannot marry you so this isn’t the right thing to do. Besides, you rescinded your offer of marriage.”
“I might be willing to make another offer.”
“I might not be willing to accept it,” she said with regret.
“I’m not like your father,” he whispered in her ear.
She froze in disbelief. He did not just say those words. He couldn’t have because no one knew except her best friends and they would never tell him. Except one.
“Did your sister tell you about him?”
“Yes.”
She pushed him away as white-hot anger flowed through her veins. “She had no right to talk to you about my private life.”
“You are getting upset over nothing.” Banning attempted to pull her back into his arms, but she shrugged her shoulder out of his grasp. “Besides you should have trusted me enough to tell me about this.”
“My family life is of no concern to you.”
“It is when it prevents you from being happy and marrying me.” He softened his voice. “You are not like your mother. And I am nothing like your father.”
“You’re right, I am not like my mother,” she said, thrusting the door open. She glanced back at him. “But I am just like my father.”
As the door slammed behind her, Banning grabbed the brandy and sank into the nearest chair. How could she believe she was anything like her father? Her father was a monster. Any man who needed to beat his wife and child to prove his manhood disgusted him.
He had no idea how to prove to her that she was wrong. She had none of her father’s traits. She was a loving, passionate woman. He sipped his brandy. Somehow, she had to see how much love she had for people. Including him, he hoped.
How had he gotten himself so involved with her? He never thought he would fall in love as deeply as he had. And now that he had, he wouldn’t let her walk out of his life without a fight. He wanted her as his wife, as the mother of his children, as his lover for the rest of his life.
Talking to her seemed the most sensible solution. Yet, every time he tried to speak to her lately, she pushed him away. Unable to think of anything he could do, he drank. And drank until the pink fingers of dawn slowly spread upwards from the horizon.
The alcohol infused him, turning his ineffectual musing into anger. Anger at her, fury at himself.
This should have been easy. His father had warned him of all the women who might throw themselves at him in order to become the next Countess of Selby. But not Avis. No, she had to make this harder than anything he had ever attempted. He compromised her, and she still would not concede to marriage. He had told her that he loved her and she wouldn’t agree to marry him.
What else could he do?
He needed to find something to ease the anger and frustration warring in him. Looking outside, he realized exactly what he should do.
He strode to the stables, woke the stableboys, and kicked them out. Then he moved every horse into the fenced field and set to work in one of the stalls. There was nothing like a little hard labor to work off his ire. He tore off his jacket and cravat, loosened his shirt, and set forth to clean the stables. After he finished one stall, he removed his damp, linen shirt and started on the next stall.
“I do have some lads that are paid to do this.”
He looked behind him to see Trey leaning against the wall with a smirk on his face. Banning frowned. “Leave me alone.”
Trey’s smug grin turned into a full smile. “Something tells me that my leaving you and Miss Copley in the study last night did not end the way you had hoped.”
“Get out.”
“And miss your misery?” he asked with a laugh.
Banning took a deep breath and attempted to ignore his most annoying friend. Unfortunately, Trey’s chortles made it impossible. He turned and faced him. “What is so damn funny?”
“If I remember correctly, you took great amusement at my contorted courtship. It is a pleasure to watch you have the same issues.”
“Bloody hell,” he mumbled. “Some courtship. The woman wants nothing to do with marriage.”
“There’s always Miss Roebuck,”
Trey said then fled the stables before Banning could throw something at him.
He didn’t want Olivia Roebuck or any other young, silly girl. He wanted the passionate woman who warmed his bed only a few weeks ago. He only wanted Avis.
Avis took a deep breath then headed for the stables. A footman had told her Banning had been down there for an hour. After spending hours contemplating the situation, she finally knew she had to tell him everything. He deserved to know why she couldn’t marry him.
As she walked along the pathway, she hoped he’d decided to wait for her this time. She walked along the stone path, noticing the horses out in the fields. They really were beautiful creatures, just large—very large—and very high off the ground.
Lord Kesgrave approached her, returning from the stables. “I would think twice about going down there if I were you.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Selby is in a mood.”
She had never really seen Banning in a foul mood. Other than the day she refused his offer of marriage. “I see,” she replied. “How bad?”
“He is mucking out the stalls,” he answered as if that said it all.
“Oh.”
Kesgrave held out his arm. “May I escort you back?”
Avis bit her lower lip. She had to face her fears and one of them concerned horses, and another involved the man in a black mood. “No, thank you. He promised to help me overcome my fear of horses today. And he shall keep that promise.”
“As you wish, Miss Copley.” Lord Kesgrave continued up the path without her.
With a breath for courage, she walked to the out-building. The door creaked open. She wrinkled her nose as the acrid smell of horse manure wafted past.
“I told you to get out of here, Trey.”
“I am not Trey,” Avis said softly.
He whipped around, his blue eyes icy with rage. Perhaps Lord Kesgrave had underestimated Banning’s mood.
“What are you doing here?”
“I believe we were scheduled for a ride.” She licked her lips. “If you can actually get me on a horse,” she joked.
“This is not the best time.” He turned his back on her, continuing to rake the hay out of a stall. The muscles of his back strained with the movements.
“Banning?”
“I want to be alone.” Using a pitchfork, he tossed fresh hay down in the clean stall.
“Are you angry with me?”
Her question halted his movements. “I’m angry with you, with me, everyone.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She approached him slowly, carefully as if she expected him to bolt. Her hands slid around his waist as he stiffened. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
He remained silent. She let her head drop to his back. Every muscle in his back tensed with the contact.
“I’m sorry.”
“Enough, Avis.” He twisted out of her arms and faced her.
Seeing his bare chest set her heart pounding. She wanted him. But not just for the pleasure she knew too well would happen. She wanted to comfort him. She had to let him know just how much she loved him.
“I think you should leave.”
“I really don’t think I should,” she replied, stepping toward him.
He backed up until he reached the wall of the clean stall. His eyes darkened like the sky before an approaching storm. “Avis,” he warned.
She drew her gloved fingers up his chest until she reached his neck. Twining her hands behind him, she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. His lips, normally soft and pliant when he kissed her, remained hard, immobile. She deserved his anger.
Pulling back from him, she looked into his eyes. “Take away my fears, Banning. Please,” she whispered.
Something flickered in his eyes and then his muscles slowly relaxed. “Very well. Shall we work on your fear of horses first…or me?”
Avis bit her lip. The more time she spent around him, the more her fear lessened.
“I’ve never been afraid of you,” she whispered. “Only my anger. How much did Jennette tell you about my family?”
“Enough.” His gaze fell to her scarred arm.
“Then can you understand my fear that I might be like my father? How can I marry someone when my anger might get the better of me? What if I hit a child? Our child?”
He blew out a sigh. “I understand your fear, Avis. But you have more control than you give yourself credit for.”
“What if I don’t have the control you think I have?”
“I would be there to help you,” he whispered.
Avis let her head rest on his shoulder. “Every time I think I can do this, I remember my parents’ marriage.”
“And the fear returns?”
“Yes.”
He kissed the top of her head gently. “Shall we try a horse, then?”
“I believe it might be easier to get me on a horse than to bring me to the altar just yet.”
“I thought as much.” Banning turned away and grabbed his shirt and jacket. “Come along, Avis. Your lesson is starting.”
She followed him out to the yard and watched as a boy saddled a mare for her. The horse seemed larger the closer she got to it. “Banning,” she whispered.
He turned and flashed her a smile. “You can do this, Avis.”
She swallowed and took a step toward the mare. “What is her name?”
“Buttercup, and she is a very gentle horse.” Banning grasped her hand and brought it to Buttercup’s head. “She can sense your nervousness. Try to calm yourself.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. I will be here with you the entire time.” He held out his hand to her. “Are you ready?”
Avis blew out a breath to relax, as if that could possibly happen when standing between her two biggest fears—a horse and Banning. “Yes,” she finally said.
He helped her up and then winked at her. “Did you fall when you were young?”
She nodded.
“How old were you?”
“S—Six,” she muttered. Her hands grew damp as she clutched the bridle.
“You can do this, Avis.” Banning moved toward the front of the horse.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to lead the horse so she doesn’t startle.” He grabbed the lead and slowly walked around in a circle.
The entire time Avis forced herself to keep her eyes open and breathe. The slow canter wasn’t dreadful. In fact, the more Banning led her around, the more she started to enjoy the sensation of the horse under her and the view from the saddle.
“How are you doing?” Banning said, looking back at her.
“I am doing fine…better than that, I’m actually enjoying it.”
He smiled at her. “I thought you might. Should I let go so you can lead her?”
“No!”
A chuckle was his only reply. After a few more rounds in a circle, he stopped Buttercup and turned back toward her. “Had enough for one day?”
“Yes.” She smiled down at him. “But I wouldn’t be averse to trying this again some time.”
Avis glanced down the field and noticed the group of men with their rifles riding across the grass. She had forgotten about the hunt. After Banning helped her down, she said, “Why didn’t you join the hunt today?”
He stiffened slightly and looked away from her. “I must have forgotten.”
“But weren’t you out here when the men left?”
“I wanted to teach you how to ride,” he said quickly.
“But you love to hunt. I remember years ago at a country party at Talbot Abbey how you talked about the entire hunt from start to finish. My goodness you must have gone on about it—”
“Avis, I didn’t want to hunt today. I have to go now.” He stormed off, leaving her standing near Buttercup unsure what to do next.
A stableboy took the reins and led the horse away while Avis remain motionless, watching Banning stride toward the house. What was it about the hunt that an
gered him so? Even Jennette had remarked on how much pride Banning took in his hunting abilities, so why the change? Avis halted her steps.
We both know you’d never use a pistol.
Somerton had said those words outside the carriage at the inn. Could Banning have an aversion to pistols now? If so, what could have caused that to happen?
Slowly she walked to the house and then toward her room to spend the rest of the day mulling over her situation. Banning had helped her overcome one of her fears. But could he assist her with her biggest fear of all? She wanted that above all else. She missed him when he wasn’t near. She missed his smile, his humor, and his conversations. More than anything, she missed the look of love in his eyes for her.
As she neared her room, the sound of children crying made her stop in front of the open door. Mary Martin stood in the middle of the room, a screaming infant in one arm, and a raging two-year-old pulling at her other hand. Tears fell down her cheeks.
“Do you need some assistance?” Avis asked.
“Oh please,” Mary answered. “Our nursemaid fell ill. Sarah has soiled herself. Ethan is screaming for no apparent reason.”
“It’s all right. I will help Sarah change—”
“No!” Sarah shouted. “Don’t want you. I want my mama.”
“Would you mind terribly if I help Sarah?” She held out the red-faced infant to Avis.
Avis’s eyes widened. “I honestly do not know much about little babies.”
“Just walk him around and maybe he will calm down for you.”
Avis stared at the boy and then reached for him. She could do this. How long could it take to change a small girl? Five minutes, maybe ten.
“Hold him up to your shoulder, maybe he needs to pass some gas,” Mary said, showing her how to lift the baby up. “Pat him on the back.”
Avis slowly patted Ethan’s back and walked the room. Mary and Sarah left for the nursery. As Avis paced and patted the infant, she noticed the lovely smell of powder and soap. She couldn’t help but rub her cheek against his bald head.
“Shh, Ethan,” she murmured. “Mama will be back in just a moment.”
He replied with a loud belch that made Avis giggle. After a few more gaseous sounds, he calmed himself. His blue eyes grew heavy with sleep.
Christie Kelley Page 20