Please Don't Tell My Parents I'm a Supervillain

by Richard Roberts

  Vera. No one would see me in costume indoors, but Vera liked windows. I reached up and tapped her crystal ball. “Sleep.” She fell into my other hand as her ceramic casing slid into place. I hurried back to my room and put her behind my computer monitor. Then I hurried back to the kitchen and found the pot boiling.

  I tipped in the macaroni, set the timer on my phone, and stared at the opposite wall, kicking my foot. Ten minutes later, the alarm beeped. I drained the macaroni, stirred in cheese, and behold: A convincing simulacrum of food.

  I ate it. Slowly, tired and with little appetite, but I ate it.

  I felt a bit stronger after that and went back to my room through a silent house. I flipped on my computer, grateful for the whine and whistles as it started. Scooping up my stack of Sentient Life comics, I dropped heavily onto my bed and cracked one open. That left me staring at my gloves. Still in costume.

  I pulled the whole costume off and shoved it and my sugar tank under the bed.

  Since I was standing again, I wandered back to my computer and clicked on my web browser and favorite programs. My friends list dutifully reported Claire and Ray were online. Nevermind. I shut the programs down again.

  Now boredom was the problem. I wanted to play Teddy Bears and Machine Guns, but I could only play it online and Claire and Ray would see me. Most every game I had would have that problem.

  I let out a sigh and turned around, leaning against my desk as I stared at my room, wondering what to do. The comics scattered on my bed wouldn’t keep my focus in this mood. I could see one arm of my jumpsuit peeking out from under the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t have that.

  I cleaned my room. Might as well. I’d let it get horribly untidy. I had books and shoes and clothes lying around. I put everything away where it was supposed to be and shoved the jumpsuit way back under the bed out of sight. The bed was a mess too. I’d kicked the covers loose again. I went and got new sheets and remade it. On the way I saw my macaroni bowl sitting on the kitchen table, so after I remade my bed I went and washed all the dishes.

  Drying my hands afterwards, I looked at my phone. Nine forty-five. That would do. My whole body was falling out from under me with exhaustion. I went to bed.

  I woke up to bright sunshine and stared at the white, bumpy spackled ceiling. I’d gotten used to waking up and feeling nicely lazy about lying around. The exercise and satisfaction of supervillainy made for pleasantly relaxed mornings. Not this time. I couldn’t lie here for long. I felt much too tense.

  The reason for that was obvious.

  Spider knew who I was.

  He knew my name, my real name and my supervillain identity. He knew where I lived. He knew who my parents were. That had to be why he contacted me. The insincerely friendly letter screamed blackmail.

  He was going to use me to get at my parents.

  No. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t. When I refused, Spider would reveal my identity to the world, and even my parents would have to believe it.

  Everyone would know I’m a supervillain. I would never get to be a superhero. Who would trust me? Even my parents wouldn’t trust me. They’d watch me, never let me use my super powers again. I would have to say goodbye to that crazy, all-knowing thing in the back of my head. I might not get to say goodbye to Ray and Claire. There was no way they’d let me hang out with my partners in crime anymore.

  I might get sent to jail. Probably not. But maybe.

  My phone rang. I lay in my bed and let it ring. I had bigger problems. What would I do? I had no idea. Was there anything I could hope to do against the ruler of the supervillain underworld in LA?

  The doorbell rang. I tried to lie there staring at the ceiling, but it rang again. Someone at the door was harder to ignore than a phone call.

  I grabbed a sweater and sweat pants, the fastest clothes I could pull on, and went and answered the door.

  It opened to reveal painfully bright sunshine and Marvelous, smiling at me. I’d last seen her drugged and glued to a floor. The disconnect left me feeling off-balance. She’d lost a couple of inches of hair from my fabric-eating enzyme mixture, but didn’t look bothered by that at all.

  Her voice chirped happily as she reached out and ruffled the top of my head. “Wow, I’ve never seen you without your hair braided. No wonder!”

  “Yeah, it goes everywhere,” I admitted.

  Leaning forward to look past me into the house, she asked, “Can I talk to Brian?”

  “He’s at the conference. You can call him as easily as I can.” I sounded crabby, but I wasn’t sure how not to right now.

  Marvelous didn’t take it badly. She smiled even more. “I know. The thing is, I don’t just want to talk to him. I want to show him something.”

  I swallowed my reply, because obviously she felt an email or webcam wouldn’t do the job. I couldn’t just brush this off. I pulled out my phone and dialed up Dad.

  “Is everything alright, Princess?” he asked as he picked up. His cheerful tone suggested he had a lot more confidence in me than I did right now.

  Dutifully, I said, “Marvelous wants to talk to you, Dad. Are you able to use your video chat system where you are?”

  “Sure. My laptop can handle it, if you can get it running on your end.” If Dad told me his laptop unfolded into a sports car, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

  I beckoned to Marvelous with one hand and led her into Dad’s office. His computer booted in seconds, and it only took a couple of seconds more to find his projection chat system and turn it on. The window reported a connection, and Dad hung up on me as his head and shoulders appeared hovering in front of the monitor.

  “What’s up, Marvelous?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. I had to admit, it was better than any webcam. He might as well have been in the room.

  Marvelous answered solemnly, “I ran into The Inscrutable Machine.” Ow. My heart locked up, cold and tight, but all I could do was listen.

  Dad tilted his head curiously. He sounded almost teasing as he asked, “Did it change your opinion of how to treat them?”

  Marvelous shook her head. Her smile was back. Sure, she was serious, but I was the only person not enjoying this conversation. She pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket and carefully unfolded it. “Not much. They were better than I expected, but they acted like professionals and we should treat them that way. I wanted to ask if this is what I think it is.”

  She held up her unfolded paper. The painting of Vera on it was impressive, almost photographic.

  Long, silent seconds went by as Dad examined it. When he answered, it came as a grudging admission. “Yes. It’s a Conqueror orb. Where did you see it, and how big was the orb itself?”

  Marvelous nodded her head down at the page. “This is life size, I’d guess four inches diameter. I saw it following Bad Penny around like a puppy dog.”

  Dad’s smile had completely disappeared. My heart managed to knot itself tighter, but I forced myself to relax. He looked much more thoughtful than worried. He only sounded as solemn as if he were taking a puzzle apart. “That’s not right. The body is a command configuration. Command level orbs are basketball sized, or greater. What powers did it display?”

  Marvelous shrugged and sounded whimsical and only a little embarrassed. “I didn’t see it do anything. Bad Penny didn’t need to use it to beat me. I believe it was responsible for overriding all local communications in the area, jamming firearms and stalling cars. I did see a pink energy pulse come from the building. Witnesses reported a heat beam, but they were hired thugs for the Council Of Seven And A Half. Not exactly trustworthy.”

  Dad nodded slowly, his hand coming into view as he laid it against his chin to look thoughtful. “That’s Conqueror technology. We might be looking at an elite reconnaissance unit, a combination commando and spy. Cutting edge technology, even for aliens.”

  Marvelous changed the subject. “The big question is, where did Bad Penny get it?”

  Dad answered that one immediately. “They dug it out o
f the landfill. It’s been buried there since the invasion. Did she have any other Conqueror tech?”

  Folding her arms over her chest, Marvelous shook her head. “Nope. Basic body armor, she can teleport, and she’s ditched the high-tech weapons for a toy and candy set. Plus the Conqueror orb and some magic cursed pennies. An ugly, subtle little curse.” She sounded impressed.

  Dad, of course, ignored any reference to magic. “Mad scientists almost always have a coherent theme. If Bad Penny is building her own equipment, her super power is as strong and flexible as mine. Maybe stronger. More likely she has an outside supplier, and she’s collecting weapons and getting more powerful with each crime.”

  “When I ran into her, she was stealing a bottle of dragon’s blood. I’ve recovered the bottle, and if she used any blood it wasn’t much—except it doesn’t take much to give a human super powers.” Even as tense as I felt, Marvelous’s words penetrated. I could have given myself more powers, and I missed it?

  Dad frowned, considering it all. “If they’re stealing weapons, someone is telling them where to look. Who’s controlling The Inscrutable Machine?”

  “The Conquerors? They wouldn’t hesitate to mix their own, human technology, and magic,” Marvelous suggested.

  The grimace that clenched up Dad’s face looked actually worried. “I hope not. I’d like to think they’ve written off Earth as not worth the trouble.”

  Marvelous waved a hand. “We’ve never seen Bad Penny, and she’s smarter than any middle-school kid I’ve ever met. She might be an android shell operated by the orb.”

  “Then why tip their hand by revealing the orb at all? This isn’t a Conqueror plot. They’re controlling it, not it controlling them.” Dad sounded downright relieved about that.

  Letting out a loud, long sigh, Marvelous concluded, “Which leaves us with the obvious explanation.”

  Dad nodded. “Spider.”

  Dad’s eyebrows shot up, his grim expression interrupted as Mom’s voice called from offscreen. “Spider can’t be behind everything. The obvious explanation is that the children really are that good.”

  Marvelous cracked a grin at that. “It’s never safe to think that anything is obvious when Spider is involved. Thanks, Brian. Enjoy the convention. Kiss Dionysus for me!”

  “No,” Dad drawled theatrically, and cut the convention.

  Turning, Marvelous reached out and mussed my hair again. I was starting to resemble a brown dandelion. “Thanks, Penny. Welcome to superhero talk. A lot of speculation, no real answers. See you soon!” She’d already turned to leave the office, and with that she walked right out the kitchen door and shut it behind her.

  I walked back to my room, reached behind my monitor, and pulled out Vera. Deactivated, she didn’t look like much. Pretty, sure, but not high tech. An off-white shell concealed most of the fist-sized crystal ball that was the real her. It looked rather like an eye, and, if I looked deeply and carefully into the iris, I could see the gold filaments between rings of cloudy pink that gave Vera her color.

  I tapped her with one finger. “Wake up.” Her shell came apart, unfolded, and she floated off my hand as a very art deco fairy.

  “Do you know who the Conquerors are?” I asked, not expecting a response. I actually got one. She stared at me at first, but then slowly shook her head.

  So, Vera resembled a weapon belonging to the aliens who secretly tried to invade Earth. That couldn’t get me in more trouble than I was in already.

  My phone rang. Roared, in fact. Claire was calling me. I ignored it. Again.

  Thanks to Marvelous, however, I was up. Maybe I’d feel less sick if I was clean. I went and took a shower. With the water running I wouldn’t be able to hear if Claire tried to call me again.

  I let the shower run long just in case, although even soaking in hot water didn’t make me feel any less stiff. I trudged back to my room, grabbed my stack of Sentient Life issues off the shelf where I’d just put them away, and dropped onto my bed. Lying back against my piled up pillow and comforter, I tried to read.

  The second time Vera turned a page for me, I had to face it. I hadn’t actually read anything this whole time, just stared. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t do anything.

  The doorbell rang. I lurched out of bed, grabbed my pants, and pulled them on.

  You know what? Forget it. I lay back down again.

  Next to me, Vera turned another page. I couldn’t focus on the comic, but at least I could watch Vera’s pink crystal eye move from panel to panel. She stopped at a frame of Delph’s elongated face staring close into a monitor. The original Vera was just a shadowy hint of a face on the screen. My Vera ran her tiny hand over both of them. She liked the comic more than I did.

  Was that faint rattling a real sound? The click of the kitchen door opening was real. I didn’t hear my parents’ voices.

  Someone was breaking into the house.

  That was insane. We didn’t need alarms. This was Brainy Akk and The Audit’s house.

  Someone had broken in anyway. Someone who didn’t care.

  I had seconds. I wasted too many of them grabbing my sweater and jamming myself into it. I’d pushed my sugar tank too far under the bed. I couldn’t dig it out in time!

  Which didn’t mean I was unarmed. I never wanted to do this, but someone was about to get a face full of Vera’s heat ray. A flick of her globe got Vera’s attention. I stepped out into the hall, pointed at Ray and Claire, and snapped, “Vera, k—” before I strangled the command.

  “What are you two doing here? How did you get in?!” I yelled instead.

  Claire held up an adorable pink plastic packet full of little metal tools. “I can pick locks, remember?”

  She tucked them back into the pocket of her jeans. They were both in civvies. Not that there was a big difference for Ray, but at least he left the gloves, jacket, and mask off. He’d left off his usual grin, too. He sounded unusually serious as he answered my real question. “You haven’t been answering your phone. We were worried you were freaking out over the invitations.”

  I balled my fists and shouted, “Of course, I’m freaking out! We’re being blackmailed by Spider!” I could hear the screech in my voice. Suddenly, my whole body trembled, and my eyes stung with tears.

  Claire walked calmly down the hall to me, hands held up. “I’m not sure it’s blackmail. It could be exactly what it says: an invitation.” Reaching out both arms, she took my hand in hers and squeezed it.

  I shook my head, my voice hoarse. Criminy, my nose was starting to run too. “No way. Spider always has an ulterior motive. He’s always playing some kind of game. We’re thirteen. We’re—we’re good at this, but we’re just kids. There’s no way we can outwit him.”

  “Her,” Ray corrected me. It was a nothing detail, and he kept his voice light. I expected to want to slap him for nitpicking. That anger didn’t happen, which felt so good. By the time I ran through those thoughts he took my other hand. Bringing his face close to look right into mine, he told me, “We don’t have to outwit Spider. We just have to keep her from outwitting us.”

  I sniffled. “Do you think we can do that?”

  He straightened back up, squeezing my hand hard enough that it hurt just a little. A slight, proud smirk broke his serious expression. “I know Bad Penny, Reviled, and E-Claire can.”

  E-Claire. It hit me. I turned and glared furiously at Claire, yelling, “Your mystery contact was Spider all along?!” Her eyes went wide, and she shrank back but didn’t let go of my hand.

  Then her face turned down sheepishly. Was she using her power on me? I didn’t think so. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and explained, “There never was a contact. I’ve spoken to a couple of supervillains, but they mostly don’t hang out online. It’s not about who you know anymore. It’s about how well you use a search engine. I ordered us the bank cards first thing after the gymnasium fight, but they only just arrived in the mail.”

  That baffled me. “Why lie about it?�
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  Claire peeked up at me, a hint of accusation in her own stare. “I didn’t think you’d trust me to be a bigger geek than both of you put together.”

  Ray’s grin came back. It was never far away. “Not a problem. Buy some bigger glasses and switch out the bear suit for cosplay.”

  “I will, if Penny fixes up the inserts she made for my pajamas. They fit really badly into regular shoes.” She sounded downright eager. Of course, she did. She was pretty and friendly, but she was right. She was a bigger geek than either of us. She’d always loved this stuff.

  Ray moved a hand up to my shoulder. “Are you going to be okay? We can do this.”

  Now Claire’s grin lit up. She jerked my hand up to her chest and squealed, “Do this? Are you kidding? It’s going to be a blast! Chinatown shuts down early every Friday afternoon, for the whole weekend. I had to comb the internet to find even a hint of why. It’s a wild supervillain party! Every single week!”

  “You could have just asked your Mom,” Ray pointed out slyly.

  Claire opened her mouth. Claire closed her mouth. “Point,” she finally admitted.

  Villains took over Chinatown to party every weekend?

  Of course. My parents had been hinting at it all my life. If Spider lived there too, no wonder there was never any crime in Chinatown and no superheroes ever patrolled there.

  We’d be stepping right into Spider’s web.

  Claire leaned in closer, squinting as she looked my face up and down. “Penny’s still sulking.” Straightening up, she told Ray, “I prescribe going out and having a good time.”

  He nodded. “We’ll go out for pizza. We can afford it. We can afford anything we want.”

  He was right about that. I started to nod, but Ray interrupted me. He put one hand on my shoulder and one on Claire’s and gave us gleeful grin. “Hey, it just hit me—did all three of us try the same stupid ‘hide what I can do’ trick when we got our powers?”