NoTifSoSher
NoTifSoSher (North of Tiffany’s, South of the Sherry-Netherland) is a two-block stretch of Fifth Avenue much favored by shoppers, hotel guests, and strollers from all walks of life. Its attractive jewelry displays and one-way traffic have made it one of the most desirable locations in the city. The undisputed king of the parade route, NoTifSoSher is beloved by Irishmen and war veterans alike. A must-see for taxi-hailers.
BeJelfth
A little-known section of town, BeJelfth is a whimsically placed block of West Fourth Street (Between Jane and Twelfth). Truly a cabby stumper, BeJelfth is a favorite meeting place for dogs both large and small. The delicatessen on the corner is a veritable Mecca for thrill-seekers who never fail to be amazed by the dizzyingly skyrocketing prices.
Little Humility
Long a bastion of male camaraderie, this eccentrically shaped area is bounded on the east by the beginning of Christopher Street and on the west by the Hudson River. Although positively reeking with unconventional charm, Little Humility is a snap to find as it deviates not an inch from the beaten path and abounds with cunning little bars and irresistible tractor-trailer trucks. Those who frequent this district have every right (and every left) to refer to it proudly as the Keys to the City.
Food for Thought
and Vice Versa
Summer has an unfortunate effect upon hostesses who have been unduly influenced by the photography of Irving Penn and take the season as a cue to serve dinners of astonishingly meager proportions. These they call light, a quality which while most assuredly welcome in comedies, cotton shirts, and hearts, is not an appropriate touch at dinner.
It is not surprising that a number of such hostesses seem to be associated with the world of high fashion, for it follows that a person whose idea of a hard day’s work is posing for Deborah Turbeville might also be of the opinion that parsley is an adequate meat course.
Thin, almost transparent slices of lemon do indeed go a long way in dressing up a meal but they should not be counted as a separate vegetable.
* * *
Cold soup is a very tricky thing and it is the rare hostess who can carry it off. More often than not the dinner guest is left with the impression that had he only come a little earlier he could have gotten it while it was still hot.
* * *
A salad is not a meal. It is a style.
* * *
Japanese food is very pretty and undoubtedly a suitable cuisine in Japan, which is largely populated by people of below average size. Hostesses hell-bent on serving such food to occidentals would be well advised to supplement it with something more substantial and to keep in mind that almost everybody likes french fries.
* * *
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
* * *
Water chestnuts are supposed to go in a thing, not to be the thing itself.
* * *
White grapes are very attractive but when it comes to dessert people generally like cake with icing.
* * *
Candied violets are the Necco Wafers of the overbred.
There are a number of restaurants in New York that cater primarily to the confirmed bachelor. These establishments share many characteristics with the summer hostess and then some.
One such local eatery is a remodeled diner that looks like what Busby Berkeley would have done if only he hadn’t had the money. It is open twenty-four hours a day—one supposes as a convenience to the hungry truck driver who will belly up to the takeout counter and bellow, “Two cucumber soups—good and cold; one endive salad—red wine vinaigrette; and one order of fresh asparagus—hold the hollandaise.”
Saffron should be used sparingly if at all. No matter how enamored one might be of this seasoning, there are few who would agree that it is equal to salt in the versatility department.
* * *
A native-born American who has spent the entire day in what he knows to be New York City and has not once stepped aboard a ship or plane is almost invariably chagrined and disoriented by a menu that uses the French counterpart for the perfectly adequate English word grapefruit.
* * *
Watercress is pleasant enough in a salad or sandwich, but when placed alongside a hamburger it is merely an annoyance.
* * *
While it is undeniably true that people love a surprise, it is equally true that they are seldom pleased to suddenly and without warning happen upon a series of prunes in what they took to be a normal loin of pork.
* * *
People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding fresh lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand that there must be a reason for this.
Technological innovation has done great damage not only to reading habits but also to eating habits. Food is now available in such unpleasant forms that one frequently finds smoking between courses to be an aid to the digestion.
A loaf of bread that is more comfortable than a sofa cannot help but be unpalatable.
* * *
The servant problem being what it is, one would think it apparent that a society that provides a Helper for tuna but compels a writer to pack her own suitcases desperately needs to reorder its priorities.
* * *
Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.
* * *
Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.
* * *
When one asks for cream one should receive either cream or the information that the establishment in question favors instead a combination of vegetable oil and cancer-causing initials.
* * *
Cheese that is required by law to append the word food to its title does not go well with red wine or fruit.
* * *
Thoroughly distasteful as synthetic foods might be, one cannot help but accord them a certain value when confronted with the health food buff. One is also ever mindful of the fact that the aficionado of whole foods is a frequent champion of excessive political causes.
* * *
Brown rice is ponderous, overly chewy, and possessed of unpleasant religious overtones.
* * *
Civilized adults do not take apple juice with dinner.
* * *
Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.
* * *
Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.
* * *
Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.
Food is such a common occurrence in our daily lives that few have taken the time to consider it in the broader sense and thus cannot truly appreciate its impact on society.
Food is welcome at both meal and snack time. It goes well with most any beverage and by and large makes the best sandwich.
* * *
Food gives real meaning to dining room furniture.
* * *
Food goes a long way in rounding out a CARE package.
* * *
Food offers the perfect excuse to use the good dishes.
* * *
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
* * *
Food plays a crucial role in international politics. If there was no such thing as food, state dinners would be replaced by state bridge games and, instead of fasting, political activists would probably just whine.
* * *
A foodless world would have the disastrous effect of robbing one’s initiative. Ambition has no place in a society that refuses its members the opportunity to become top banana.
* * *
Without food, one of man’s most perplexing yet engaging problems would be rendered meaningless when one realized th
at the chicken and the egg both didn’t come first.
* * *
If food did not exist it would be well-nigh impossible to get certain types off the phone, as one would be unable to say, “Look, I’ve got to run but let’s have dinner sometime soon.”
* * *
Food was a very big factor in Christianity. What would the miracle of the loaves and fishes have been without it? And the Last Supper—how effective would that have been?
* * *
If there was no such thing as food, Oyster Bay would be called just Bay, and for the title of The Cherry Orchard Chekhov would have chosen A Group of Empty Trees, Regularly Spaced.
Arts
Arts
Perhaps the least cheering statement ever made on the subject of art is that life imitates it. This would doubtless be more heartening news were its veracity not quite so capricious. For upon inspection it is immediately apparent that life is at its most artistic when such a condition is least desired. It is, in fact, safe to assume that, more often than not, life imitates craft, for who among us can say that our experience does not more closely resemble a macramé plant holder than it does a painting by Seurat. When it comes to art, life is the biggest copycat in the matter of the frame.
Wishing to investigate the matter more thoroughly, I gathered about me a group of like-minded associates and began the long, hard work of imitating art in its most contemporary manifestations.
Conceptual Art
We positioned ourselves randomly on a hardwood floor and pretended to be cinder blocks. We affixed to our shirtfronts labels bearing words unrelated to one another in a linear sense. We were not understood and we were greatly admired. We found this to be not unfulfilling.
Graphic Design
Some of us dressed up like bold, daring lines; others, like large, clear, easy-to-read letters and numbers. All of us wore simple yet childish bright colors. We arranged ourselves in the shape of an airport and adopted a manner both useful and sprightly. We were most popular with those similarly dressed.
Magazine Layout
Quite a few of us wore the same things we had worn when following the example of Graphic Design, although we went to considerably smaller sizes. The rest of us divided ourselves equally into two groups—one being airbrushed color illustration; the other being out-of-context, blown-up quotations from articles. All of us stationed ourselves for maximum intrusion value. Everyone crowded together in the form of a single page but kept our distance by the clever use of numerous black borders. We were a big hit and proved once and for all that you can take the art out of art direction but you can’t take the direction out of art, at least not if it’s headed that way.
Furniture Design
We researched this one carefully and decided to be both fun and functional. We wore molded plastic, durable fabrics, and lots of butcher’s block. We assumed the shapes of gigantic bean bags, inflatable rafts, hard-edged paintings, and cumulus clouds. We were rather reminded of our days as Graphic Design and felt more than ever that we had a multi-purpose in life.
Architecture
We thought a lot about glass and new, lightweight building materials. We imagined ourselves schools, shopping centers, office buildings, public housing, and luxury apartment complexes. We hoped that at least a few of the others would imagine themselves signs so that people could tell us apart.
Popular Music
We attired ourselves in shiny garments so as to accurately reflect the hopes and dreams of the general public. We entered elevators, cars, planes, telephones, and just about every place else you couldn’t think of. We were an inescapable influence on the culture and inspired a fanatical devotion, for we made a joyful noise unto the bored.
Movies
We were careful to adopt only those attitudes associated with work of serious intention, being well aware that life generally does not imitate entertainment. We exhibited extreme sensitivity and technical prowess while motioning lyrically. We explored the themes of violence, despair, and social injustice that lurk beneath the slick surface of our society. We were nice and quiet, saying little and keeping pretty much to ourselves.
Fashion
Some of us borrowed quite heavily from others. Some of us were unduly imaginative. A lot of us felt silly making these statements but we attempted to invest them with deeper meaning. This was not, in light of the preponderance of polyester, easy, but people bought it. Believing us to be expressions of their true personalities, the public clasped us to their bosoms and added a few fun touches of their own.
Not in the:
Mood Jewelry
As one whose taste in mental states has always run largely toward the coma, I have very little patience with the current craze for self-awareness. I am already far too well acquainted with how I feel and frankly, given the choice, I would not. Anyone who is troubled by the inability to feel his or her own feelings is more than welcome to feel mine. It should not be surprising, then, for you to learn that I am something less than enchanted with a concept such as mood jewelry. For those of you fortunate enough to have your lack of awareness extend into the realm of advertising, mood jewelry is jewelry that tells you your feelings via a heat-sensitive stone. And although one would think that stones would have quite enough to do, what with graves and walls and such, it seems that they have now taken on the job of informing people that they are nervous. And although one would think that a person who is nervous would be more than able to ascertain that fact without the aid of a quite unattractive ring, this is apparently not the case.
Mood jewelry comes to us in many guises: necklaces, rings, watches, and bracelets. But whatever form it takes, it is invariably equipped with the perceptive and informative stone that not only relates one’s present mood but also indicates in what direction that mood is headed. The stone performs this newsy feat by means of color change. The following, chosen solely on the basis of crankiness, has been excerpted from an ad:
EACH COLOR CHANGE
REVEALS THE INNER YOU!
ONYX BLACK … Overworked.
AMBER RED … You are becoming more strained, even anxious.
TOPAZ YELLOW … Somewhat unsettled, your mind is wandering.
JADE GREEN … Normal, nothing unusual is happening.
TURQUOISE BLUE-GREEN … You are beginning to relax … your emotions are turning up.
LAPIS BLUE … You feel comfortable … you belong. Relax … your feelings are beginning to flow freely.
SAPPHIRE BLUE … You’re completely open … feeling happy … concentrating on your strong inner feelings and passions. This is the highest state.
One can safely assume that a person who finds it necessary to consult a bracelet on the subject of his own state of mind is a person who is undoubtedly perplexed by a great many things. It follows, then, that in such a case a piece of jewelry that reveals only emotions can hardly be called adequate—for here is a person besieged and beset by questions far more complex than “Am I strained?” This is an individual who needs answers—an individual who should be able to look at his heavily adorned wrist and ask, “Am I tall? Short? A natural blond? A man? A woman? An elm? Do I own my own home? Can I take a joke? Do I envy the success of others?”
Clearly, if there is to be such a thing as mood jewelry it must become more specific. In the interests of hastening such an occurrence I offer the following:
THE FRAN LEBOWITZ GUIDE
TO EVEN GREATER SELF-TRUTHS THROUGH COLOR CHANGE!
REDDISH BEIGE … You are an American Indian who is boring … you are of little interest both to yourself and to other American Indians.
BEIGISH RED … You are a white person who is boring … you are deeply embarrassed by your complete lack of interesting qualities … humility is no substitute for a good personality … this will not change.
LAVENDER … You are either a homosexual or a bathroom rug in a house where you match the tile … if you decide in favor of being a bathroom rug just remember that as a homosexual you c
ould have been on the David Susskind Show.
HORIZONTAL STRIPES … You are extremely thin and have reacted to this fact excessively … this is the lowest state.
MULATTO … One of your parents is turning into a Negro … if your parents are already Negroes one of them is turning into a white person.
IRREGULAR, FINE LINES … You are getting somewhat older … this will probably continue.
BURNT UMBER … You are turning into an artist … possibly Hans Holbein, the Younger. This is the highest state.
Clothes with Pictures
and/or Writing on Them:
Yes—Another Complaint
Now, I’m not just talking about Vuitton bags. Or Gucci wallets. Or Hermès scarves. Designers and/or business concerns who splash their names and initials all over overpriced accoutrements of dubious quality are of course sorely lacking in taste, but I am not going to be sidetracked by trivialities. I’m talking about the larger issues. Open-necked Deco-ish shirts with a repeating pattern of middle-sized silhouettes of sailboats. Blue jeans depicting the death of Marilyn Monroe in waterproof pastels. Dresses upon which one (but preferably two) can play Monopoly. Overalls that remind toddlers, through the use of small pink animals spouting comic strip balloons, to brush their teeth. T-shirts that proclaim the illegal sexual preferences of the wearer. Etcetera. Etcetera.
The Fran Lebowitz Reader Page 9