The Retreat...
(A Studs & Steel Novella)
(Studs & Steel #8.5)
Kindle Edition
Heather Mar-Gerrison, Copyright 2018
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work.
Prologue
Nathan
I stared at Sophie in disbelief as my world tilted on its axis and everything I thought I was confident about slid sideways. It almost felt like I was standing on sand that was being washed away from beneath my feet where I stood. What was that? She’d met someone else? She’d fallen in love? She wanted a divorce…? Hell fire, we’d only been married five minutes… Well, five months but still – that was what it felt like.
“But I don’t understand.” I stammered, “I thought we were happy?” Surely we’d been happy? We’d been together since we’d met in high school… I thought we were in love…
Her eyes filled with tears and she nodded, “We were, Nathan,” she assured me before delivering the killer blow, “but if I’m going to be completely honest, I had my doubts about us before we even got married…”
My stomach went tight. Shit. What sort of doubts? Doubts about me? “What about?” I asked stupidly. I was absolutely floored. I really hadn’t seen this coming and I was so shocked I thought I might be sick. Why the hell hadn’t she said anything to me before about it? Why the hell had we gone along with getting married? Fuck, it had cost an absolute fortune. I wouldn’t have chance to even pay off the credit card debt before I was swamped with solicitors’ bills…
She looked at me in exasperation, “Well, there’s your questionable relationship with your best friend for starters.” She said, “You and Bailey have always been far more than close.”
I frowned. Well of course we were close. We’d known each other forever, “I’ve known Bailey for years.” I snapped, “He’s like my brother.”
She snorted, “Brother?” she said, “You spend more time with him than you do with me. He’s more like your lover than I am.”
My jaw dropped. Was she actually serious? “I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous.” I spluttered. I had never overstepped the mark of friendship with Bailey to make him think we could be anything more than friends. He was gay, granted but I most certainly was not. This was all just her trying to put the blame on me for her own infidelity. The sneaky bitch…
She put her hand on mine and gazed at me earnestly, “You had a total meltdown when he introduced you to his new boyfriend, Simon.”
I blinked. That was as maybe but it was just that I was looking out for him. He needed protecting. That foul creature, Joss, his ex-boyfriend from hell had just about broken him with his disgusting behaviour. I didn’t want some other joker coming along and finishing him off altogether – so yeah, maybe I had been a little aggressive towards his new boyfriend, Simon. It didn’t mean that I wanted Bailey for myself. I was a happily married man for goodness sake. Well, I thought I was – until she cheated on me with this guy from work, anyway…
“What’s his name.” I asked, rubbing my eyes and hoping I wasn’t about to start bawling about it.
“Richard.” She said, her voice going soft as she talked about him. She clearly felt a lot for him and I instantly hated the bastard. “He’s a bit older than me – he’s thirty-three and divorced.”
Thirty-three? Divorced? So, she was ditching me for an old bastard who either couldn’t keep it in his pants or had already been traded in for a newer model. What sort of a prospect was he?
I tuned back in to hear her say, “He’s got two kids that live with his ex-wife. I’m really sorry Nathan but I’ve fallen in love with him – this is real.”
And what we had together was not, as far as she was concerned. Clearly, she’d never really loved me – if she had, she wouldn’t have fallen for this fucking joker.
I nodded, stalling for time. I didn’t know what to say. What the hell was there left to say? She’d made up her mind. No matter what I said now, she wasn’t going to fall out of love with him and back in love with me.
My blood ran cold. Shit. I was going to be divorced by the time I was twenty-five. What a fucking failure – and Mum and Dad were going to blame me for the failure of my marriage no matter what I told them. They always did. I sometimes felt sure they preferred my sister. But then, she never gave them any reason not to love her. She was a wonderful person and I loved her to the moon and back too.
“I’ll move out.” I said, my head spinning. There was no way I’d go crawling back to my parents’ house but I couldn’t stay here, knowing she was thinking about another guy all of the time.
She shook her head, “There’s no need for that, Nathan.” She said, “I’m going to move in with Richard. We can discuss what to do about the house later.”
Fuck. She’d got it all planned out. “How long has this been going on?” I asked. It was torture being told all the gory details but I had to know.
She looked down sheepishly, “A while.” She said quietly
I raised my eyebrow, “How long?” I persisted.
“A few months.”
Fuck me. We’d only been married a few months. “So, you were seeing him before we even got married?” I felt sick to the stomach at her betrayal.
She burst into tears…
*
“Oh, babe.” Bailey looked at me with such a look of dismay at my depressing news – that my wife had been cheating on me since before we’d even got engaged – I instantly wanted to throw myself into his arms and sob.
Simon was there though, and I hadn’t exactly made the best impression on him when we first met. I sniffed and nodded, “Yeah,” I said, trying my best to hold it all together, “It sucks but what are you gonna do?” I let out a long sigh, feeling extremely close to tears but determined not to break down in front of him.
Simon frowned, “I’m really sorry to hear that, mate.” He said, “You’re welcome to stay here tonight if you need Bailey to talk to – I can go over to Studs and have a drink with my brother if you want him to yourself.”
Jesus, I’d totally misjudged him. He was solid gold… “Thanks man,” I croaked, “But if you don’t mind me staying to offload for a couple of hours – I’d rather you be here too. It’s really nice to be around people who are genuinely happy with each other and know what they want in life.”
“Well, you knew what you wanted.” Bailey said loyally, “Sophie let you down, that’s all.”
I bit my lip and shook my head, “I’m not all that sure I did.” I said softly, “I’ve really been analysing everything since she dropped her bombshell and I think I just got comfy. In all honesty, she was right. I always preferred being with you – it just never occurred to me that my affection for you as my best friend could be misconstrued into something else – something more…” I turned tortured eyes onto my best friend and told him the worst of what she said, “She was suggesting that I’m gay, Bailey.” Even if she was right, it still stung that she was labelling me without discussing it with me first.
Bailey’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened. “Oh, my God, Nathan.” He said, “I’m really sorry. I had no idea…”
I shook my head, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” I said, “I can’t deny that I love you – but only ever as my best friend.” It was true. I had never once in my whole life had feelings that were remotely romantic and definitely not sexual for my best friend. He was jus
t Bailey – gay as a rainbow and adorable – but most certainly not the one for me in that way.
He nodded, looking relieved. “I feel the same way about you – and I’m sure you’ll meet someone as wonderful as Simon one day, I know it.”
I blinked. “What? A guy you mean?” I asked incredulously, “You think I’m going to meet a guy? You think I’m gay too?” My voice had gone squeaky with surprise and I had to clear my throat. What the hell was wrong with everyone all of a sudden? When had I ever shown any outward signs of fancying dudes? I thought I’d always been so damned careful about my secret desires.
Bailey floundered but Simon didn’t. He nodded, “I have to say, you totally pinged my gaydar when we met – and you were so protective of Bailey too. I really thought I had serious competition. I’ve got to admit, I was well jealous of you – and it was a surprise that you were in a relationship with Sophie too.”
My jaw dropped. Fuck. I’d been jealous of him too… Maybe it wasn’t all about being protective of Bailey after all – maybe I’d felt threatened. Maybe in some horribly hidden and subconscious way I really had been in love with him my whole life. I looked at him but absolutely nothing stirred downstairs. No way. I was being ridiculous now. Just because I had an attraction to some guys, Bailey had definitely not been one of them. Not ever.
I nodded thoughtfully, “Shit.” I murmured, “I’ve admired guys before but I thought that was just normal – you know, admiring them for being hunky or fit or whatever…” I trailed off beginning to feel a little stupid. These two were gay and totally knew it. How could I have ignored the feelings I’d had towards guys, that they were happy to embrace? Well. I didn’t really need to ask myself that question. I’d supressed the real me because Mum and Dad would never have worn having a gay son, that was why…
Bailey and Simon nodded, “Yeah,” they both said, “Gay.”
I wiped my hands down my face. “Oh, God,” I groaned, “You’ll be telling me to download Grindr and check out a few guys next.” It seemed like the most alien thing in the world to do but there was no denying it anymore – I was clearly not as straight as I’d always thought I was.
Simon frowned, “Oh, no.” he said, shaking his head vigorously, “I really wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He said, “You’re not ready for anything like that yet. Grindr’s okay for guys looking for a hook-up. You don’t really strike me as the type to want to just have a night of dirty, rough sex with no strings attached.”
I grimaced. Fuck, no... That really wasn’t my thing… It was one thing admitting that I quite fancied football players and rock stars and actors, quite another wanting to meet up with random guys for gay sex. I really wasn’t ready for that. I swallowed. I wasn’t all that sure I ever would be. The idea of someone putting his penis in my anus really didn’t appeal to me. Surely that would hurt? I shuddered at the thought, “Uh, no.” I agreed, “Maybe not.”
Bailey beamed at me, “Ooh, I know!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands together with glee, “Alfie told me about something Blaine and Denny were doing at their Retreat. They’re meeting with some wedding planner guy who’s also developed this amazing new app that’s for gay guys looking for a real relationship – I think it’s called the Perfect Partner app or something like that – it’s a side-line of his main business, My Perfect Wedding. Oh, my God! Wouldn’t it be amazing if he was there when you go to build the cottages?”
Oh, Christ. Why the hell had I ever thought it would be a good idea to tell Bailey I admired football players? He was never going to let this go and I really didn’t want to accept that I was gay. Hell, I’d got married so I never had to face it. And I’d enjoyed having sex with my wife. Surely, I wouldn’t have done that if I was really gay? I grant you, looking back, that it hadn’t set my world on fire but I was always sure that people were exaggerating when they said that had great sex. What was so great about it?
I raised an eyebrow, “Don’t you think it’s a little soon for that?” I asked, trying to look all cool about the fact that my wife had just dumped me for a straighter model and that maybe I really wasn’t as straight as I’d always assumed, since it was beginning to occur to me that our sex life had been as boring as shit.
Did I dare ask Bailey what his sex life was like? I looked at him, the question was right on the end of my tongue. I opened my mouth but the words just died on my breath. I couldn’t ask him that. For starters I really didn’t need details and secondly, I wasn’t sure I’d like sex with anyone and I didn’t want him thinking I was weird. “I’ll probably just come along to Studs with you guys,” I lied instead, “check a few guys out there…”
“Oh, okay.” Bailey looked a little crestfallen. He clearly wanted me to find ‘the one’ and to live happily ever after the same way he had. And you know, it was kind of appealing in a way – to find someone that would actually love me for being me instead of lying to me and cheating on me behind my back… but would I really find true love through an app? It was rather unlikely, wasn’t it? How likely would it be to find a guy that would go along with me not wishing to partake in anal sex? Christ I was so uptight it made me want to punch myself in the face. If I was anyone else and I met me, I was quite sure I’d hate me…
As it turned out, I was perhaps not quite as uptight about my newfound sexuality as I thought. The app played on my mind and I couldn’t resist looking it up. And then I couldn’t resist downloading the app and reading the terms and conditions. Call me anal if you will… Some of the conditions were really quite funny – well, the way they were written was anyway. The guy who owned the company clearly had a quirky sense of humour.
I’d scrolled through a few of the faces on the app and had read a little about a couple of guys and all I felt was overwhelming anxiety. I couldn’t possibly be gay…Well, maybe I was a little bit gay, like maybe I was bi or something… but was I ready to embrace it? No. Not really…
I closed the app and threw my phone down on the bed with a groan, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Nathan?” I asked myself. “You don’t even know how to feel.” That said, there was only one face that had appealed – but that was the guy who ran the business. The one Bailey had mentioned, actually. Had he seen this guy before? Did he know that I had a type? Hell, I hadn’t even known I had a type until I saw his picture…
But when I really examined my feelings, I found that that wasn’t true. All of the footballers I liked were either blonde or at least light-brown haired that had a propensity to go blonde in the summer. Hell, David Beckham had been on my wall for years as a blonde – and I totally had what could only be described as a David Beckham appreciation board on my Pinterest – although I had to admit he looked better with his darker hair than he ever had blonde…
The guy, whose name was Dylan, had an ingenuous look of vulnerability – which was probably what I’d been most attracted to. I couldn’t help it. I really loved a pretty face and his was possibly the prettiest face I’d ever seen. Blonde hair, big blue-green eyes, a generous mouth and a look about him that made me want to wrap him up in my arms and protect him. He looked like he’d been hurt in the past and needed a pair of strong arms around him – like mine… Jeez, you’re pathetic. I thought, you only realised that you were gay five minutes ago and now you think you’ve got this guy all figured out. You total twat. He’s probably married with five kids already…
Chapter 1 – First impressions…
Nathan
“I’ve had the worst year possible so far. I lost a long-term contract, my wife cheated on me and left me – for a guy she works with…” Oh, God, Nathan. Shut the fuck up.
Blaine and Denny exchanged a look between them and I knew I was making them feel uncomfortable. Christ, I’d only been here five minutes and what had started out as a question about how good business was had turned into a lament about my own shitty non-existent love-life. I couldn’t help it though. I was kind of heartbroken and pissed off with my life in general.
“I liked bein
g married.” I grumbled. And I really had – because it was fair to say that I was no longer married. I was now officially separated...
I’d loved going home to Sophie every night after work. Loved having someone to cook for and to chat to over dinner. She clearly just hadn’t felt the same and had been having an affair with a man she worked with for the entire duration of our marriage, which was, you know, crushing. I didn’t know anything about the guy she worked with. She said it had been accidental – that she’d just fallen for him… What did I know? It was probably true. “I just need to find myself a new partner.” I finished lamely.
Denny grinned, “Well, you’re in the right place for that.” He said, “So long as your new partner’s a guy.” He chuckled as if he’d made a really funny joke.
I smiled blandly. Denny clearly didn’t think I was gay… Yeah, right. This place – coupled with my super-duper Perfect Partner app, I’m all set…
At that moment, the door burst open and stood there, looking absolutely stunning with his perfectly styled blonde hair, massive blue-green eyes and perfectly flawless skin was the Perfect Partner guy. Well, who’d have thought it? I’d never seen him before I’d downloaded the app the other day and now he was here – as large as life and even more beautiful in the flesh. I was aware that I was staring at him, which he’d at best think was really rude, at worst, he might think I was attracted to him – and if I was being completely weird and yet honest with myself – I actually was. I couldn’t help it. He was just so lovely to look at…
Denny stood up and extended his hand, “Dylan!” he said, “Good to see you.”
Dylan. He had the perfect name for my Perfect Partner…
He spoke and his voice really was just as perfect as the rest of him. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” he said a little breathily. “I missed the first train and then the second one was delayed…” his eyes darted between Denny and Blaine, who had also stood up to shake his hand. Finally, his eyes found mine and widened a little, “Oh,” he said, looking instantly intrigued, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there.” He stepped right past Denny and Blaine and stood right in front of me. He extended his hand, never breaking eye-contact and I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t think I could if I tried. I was totally and utterly mesmerised.
The Retreat Page 1