“Oh no, you don’t. No way. No bride of mine will be wearing a second hand gown. I’m sorry, Elisabeth, but no. I don’t care how much your dress costs. I want you to go and pick something out that you like. I insist. I’m paying for it and I will hear no objections,” he declared. “I love you and I want only the best for my bride.”
“Carson…” She began to protest.
He reached for her hand and rubbed his thumb over the top it. He met her eyes. “Please? Let me do this for you?”
Elisabeth’s mouth hung open and she sat speechless. What could she say? How could she argue with that? A sudden excitement sprung up in her soul as she thought about picking out her very own wedding dress—where price was a non-factor. Not that she’d ever pick something ridiculously expensive anyway. She was overwhelmed with gratitude and love for this special man that sat by her side. Tears welled up in her eyes.
“Thank you, Carson.”
<><><>
Brianna joined the baptism class with the other candidates during the church meeting on Sunday morning. Fortunately, Bishop Hostettler had allowed her to make up the classes she’d missed. As she learned the tenets of the faith, she became even more excited about her Christian walk. Since accepting Christ, Luke and she had regular Bible studies and discussions. It seemed that every day she learned more about God and His wondrous love.
Just two weeks hence, she and the others would be baptized in Millers’ pond. Luke explained to her that before Bishop Hostettler’s district broke off from Bishop Mast’s district, baptism was performed according to the Old Order church tradition with the pouring of water into cupped hands and released over the believer’s head. However, after the split, the elders began searching the Scriptures diligently and realized that Biblical baptism indicated total immersion. Brianna was impressed by Bishop Hostettler’s boldness at snuffing tradition to follow God’s Word, surely it took gumption to break off and form a New Order.
Excitement and joy filled Brianna’s heart at all that would take place in such a short time. She would soon be identifying with the Lord in believer’s baptism and proclaiming to all that she is a follower of Christ. Soon she would begin sewing her wedding dress, and then be wed to the most wonderful man on earth. Her future couldn’t be any brighter.
<><><>
“I can’t tell you how proud I am of you, Beth. Proud in a good way, I mean. You’ve grown and changed so much, I hardly recognize you from the old Elisabeth I used to know.” Luke smiled, rowing the dory further out into Millers’ pond.
“Denki, I think.” Brianna smiled unsurely, leaning over and dipping her hand into the cool water.
Luke chuckled. “Don’t worry. It’s a gut thing for sure and for certain. You used to be so different—always kicking against the pricks, so to speak. I have to admit that you’re much easier and more fun to love now, even for me. I don’t know what happened to you when you were out in the world, but when you came back, you were changed.”
“Maybe it was a gut thing that I didn’t remember who I was, jah? I guess God had a better plan for me than where I was headed, so he brought me back home,” Brianna said thoughtfully.
“And I will be grateful to Him every day for that precious gift. He gave us a chance to start over, to start better. I am looking forward to spending my life with you, to showing you every day how much I love you, and to building a family with you. I can’t wait to hold our first kinner in my arms. I will try to be the best vatter and husband I can be.” Luke’s eyes sparkled with joy as they came to a stop at the small island in the middle of the pond. He hopped out of the boat and held out his hand to Brianna to help her out.
Panic suddenly seized Brianna.
Children? Of course, all Amish families had children—usually a lot of them. Why had she never thought of this when Luke mentioned it before?
The doctor’s words played in her mind, “I am sorry, Miss Doe. But due to the extensive damage from the accident, you will most likely never be able to have children.”
At the time, the words hadn’t meant much to her. They didn’t hold any implications. But now? If she couldn’t give Luke children then she would never be a proper Amish wife. She could never be the wife that he wanted. She couldn’t do this to him.
Her heart ached at the thought of breaking up with such a wonderful man. She’d been correct—it was too good to be true.
“Luke, I…I’m not feeling well now. Will you take me home?” Her hands shook and she quickly hid them behind her back so he wouldn’t see.
“But you seemed fine a minute ago. Are you sea sick?”
She shook her head.
“I don’t understand, Beth. Did I say something?” He came and stood in front of her and raised her chin so that she had to look him in the eye.
She moved away and stood by the shore. “I just don’t feel well now. I need to go home,” her voice quavered and she couldn’t help the lone tear that slipped down her cheek and dropped into the shallow water near her feet.
Concern shown in Luke’s eyes and he moved toward her. “Something is wrong. Talk to me, Beth.” He gently placed a hand on her shoulder.
She shook her head in defiance. How could she talk to him about this? He just said that he wanted children—probably lots of them. It wouldn’t be fair to hold him back from his dreams, to deny him the opportunity to see his own offspring. She just didn’t have the heart to do it. It grieved her heart at what she knew she must do. It would surely hurt them both now, but in the long run it would be best.
“We can’t be together anymore, Luke.” She hung her head and sobbed into her palms.
He dropped his hand. “What do you mean?”
“We can’t marry.” She gathered her resolve and determined to remain strong, brushing away the tears.
“Why? You’re not making any sense, Beth!” Luke’s voice raised an octave.
“I…I don’t love you,” she lied. Oh, it hurt so much to say the words. She hurried back into the boat. “Please just take me back.”
“Beth, please.”
The pain in Luke’s voice was evident and she knew that he, too, must’ve shed a tear or two. She couldn’t give in no matter how much it hurt. Luke was a good man and deserved someone who could give him everything he wanted—and it wasn’t her.
“Why are you doing this?”
She shook her head, unwilling to answer.
Luke quietly rowed the dory back to the shore, but she didn’t dare meet his eyes. As soon as they landed, Brianna took off in a sprint toward home.
“Elisabeth, I don’t know what I did or said, but please give me the chance to make it right,” Luke called out after her, desperation in his voice.
Shutting out Luke’s words, Brianna ran all the way home and cried until her tears ran dry. She didn’t know what she would do now. Her future had all been planned out and now it crumbled in front of her. The thought of remaining single and alone was not appealing, but perhaps it was her only option as a barren Amish woman. But Luke deserved better, and she knew it.
She closed the door to her bedroom and lay on her bed, exhausted by the day’s events. Turning over on her side, she spotted her Bible on the night stand. With trembling hands, she picked up the antiquated black book and opened it. Expecting to receive a rebuke, her heart lifted when she read the words on the page, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”
“Thank you, God. Thank you for showing me that you’ll always be there for me. I need you now more than ever. Please comfort my heart. And please be with Luke and take his pain away. Help him to find a good Amish wife.” As she finished the prayer, she drifted off into a fitful sleep.
<><><>
Chapter 13
“Elisabeth, you need to talk to Luke.” Jacob stomped his foot, after placing his hat on the rack near the back mudroom. “What you’re doing to him isn’t fair.”
Fair? What did he know about fairness? Was it fair that she’d never be able to have children? Was it fair that she
had to leave the love of her life? Was it fair that she would probably have to stand by and watch the man she loves marry another? No, it wasn’t fair. Not one bit.
Jacob didn’t understand. He had Rachel. Rachel was perfectly healthy, not flawed like she was.
“I don’t want to talk to him. I have nothing to say,” Brianna said frowning, swinging around to face him as she stood at the kitchen counter.
“Then talk to me, Lis,” Jacob urged. “What’s buggin’ you? You’re not the same, so I know something must’ve happened. Did he do something?”
“No. Luke would never…” She shook her head.
“Then what is it?”
“It won’t matter. I can talk until the moon turns purple and it won’t solve anything.” She turned her attention back to the dishes and sighed. “Please. Just leave me alone, Jacob.”
“Fine. If you want to be left alone, then I’ll leave you alone. But just remember that loneliness is a choice.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re turning Luke away. He’s waited so long for you already. Can’t you see that he cares for you? If you’d rather live a life of loneliness than with someone who loves you, I think you’re ferhoodled.” At that, Jacob stuffed his hat back on his head, turned, and walked out the door.
Tear after tear slid down her cheek and into the dish water. Please help us through this, God.
<><><>
Brianna reached down into the basket and lifted out a pair of Michael’s trousers. She enjoyed the time spent with Mamm, helping pin the wet laundry to the clothes line. The changing of seasons was evident as a cool breeze blew through her hair, causing her kapp strings to fly. All around her, the hues of leaves were transforming, preparing for a new season of life. The green leaves of summer had turned, reminding her of Joseph’s coat of many colors, boasting purple, red, orange, and gold. She breathed in the crisp autumn air, hoping the loveliness of nature would somehow cleanse her soul and overshadow her sorrow.
Mamm and Dat hadn’t mentioned anything to her about the situation with Luke. Although he had stopped by several times, they respected her wishes and sent him away. She hoped that he would get over her soon, because he deserved somebody special. She suspected that part of the reason her folks hadn’t pressed her was due to the presence of the other kinner, which always seemed to be around.
“I remember a time when Ben—your father—and I were courting,” her mother began, shaking the water residue from an apron before pinning it to the line, “we broke up for a time too.”
Brianna watched as her mother was transported back to a time before she was born. “What happened?”
“I had been out in the Englisch world, like you had been. To tell the truth, I was scared of marrying your father. I thought that I could never be good enough for him, so I lied and told him that I didn’t love him anymore,” Mamm confessed.
How similar her situation was, Brianna thought. “What did he do?”
“Same as Luke, pretty much. Came around and tried to get me to talk to him, but I refused.” Mamm laughed, taking Dat’s shirt out of the basket. “Oh, how stubborn I was. Everyone else around me could see that I still loved him, plain as day.”
“So, what happened?” Brianna asked curiously.
“Well, God finally got ahold of me. I discovered that I needed to be truthful with myself, and with your dat, and with God. Me, running away from my problems wasn’t going to help, nor make them go away. I hadn’t been trusting God. If I had, I would have been honest in the first place. It wonders me how we sometimes let fear take over our lives and control us. We should be trusting Der Herr.” Mamm placed a loving hand on Brianna’s shoulder and smiled.
“But, what if your problems can’t be solved?” Doubt flooded her mind as she considered sharing with her mother. Was that fear? She desperately needed to talk to someone about her troubles. Perhaps Mamm could offer a fresh perspective.
“There is no problem too large that God can’t handle,” Mamm assured. “Besides, God showed me a wonderful verse from His Word. Romans chapter eight verse twenty-eight. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
Brianna soaked in the verse, contemplating each word. “You mean that God can take something bad and make something good out of it?”
Mamm smiled and draped an arm around Brianna. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
“The doctor said I will probably never be able to have children.” Tears clouded Brianna’s eyes as she divulged her secret.
“So, that’s what all this has been about,” Mamm sympathized. “Have you told Luke?”
“No!” Brianna cried. “He wants kinner.”
“Don’t you think you should let Luke decide whether he still wants to marry you or not?” Mamm raised an eyebrow. “You can’t just call off your wedding and not give him a gut reason, Elisabeth. He has a right to make his own choices. Choices that are based on truth.”
“But he’ll be happier with someone else. Somebody who can give him children,” Brianna asserted, brushing away another tear.
“No, I won’t,” a male voice echoed from behind her.
“Luke.” Brianna startled. “How long have you been listening?”
“Long enough,” he stated, walking purposefully toward the clothes line from the barn.
Mamm smiled at Brianna, picked up her empty basket, and quietly disappeared into the house.
Luke came near, ducking under the clothes line. He took Brianna’s hands in his. “You are enough for me, Beth. I love you. I don’t want anybody else. I’ve never wanted anybody else.” He stared into her troubled blue eyes, patiently waiting.
Brianna fell into his arms and wept, releasing her burden. Both tears of sorrow and tears of joy washed away her fears. Fear of a life of loneliness. Fear of being unwanted and unloved. Fear of a life without someone special to share it with. How could she be so happy and so sad all at the same time?
“But what if we never have children?” Another fear. She stepped back and searched his eyes.
“Then it will be as the Lord wills. But doctors are not always right. And we can adopt bopplin if we choose to,” he stated, gently stroking her damp cheek. “You are God’s child, remember, Beth? You can trust Him to do what is best. We will trust Him together.”
Brianna looked up at Luke in disbelief. She knew she didn’t deserve him. He was so good, so kind. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Her eyes shined with tears.
“Not today,” he said, then bent down and lovingly pressed his lips to hers. “And one more thing, I spoke with Bishop Hostettler and our wedding date is scheduled for the first week in November.”
“But that’s just a few weeks away!” She gasped.
“I know. Isn’t it wonderful?” He smiled broadly, exhibiting his beautiful pearly whites.
“You are wonderful!” Brianna giggled as Luke lifted her into the air and spun her around.
<><><>
Chapter 14
Elisabeth smiled with contentment as she watched the other diners. Most of them were obviously well-off, as evidenced by their attire. Women with fancy hairdos, strings of jewels, and the latest fashions accompanied men with well-tailored three piece suits and shiny black shoes. It almost seemed as if they dressed just to impress the people around them. Unmistakably proud and fancy indeed.
It sure was a far cry from where she’d come from. Pride, or hochmut as they called it, was definitely not an admirable quality in Paradise. Instead, the Plain people valued humility, as the Lord exemplified while He was on earth. Plain dress was expected of all in her home community so as not to give one person more clout than another. A Bible verse that Elisabeth had heard her whole life popped into her mind, Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. She figured the verse probably went both ways. It was surely possible to have ‘Plain pride’ as well—thinking you were better bec
ause you were more Plain than others around you.
Elisabeth looked down at her own clothing in comparison. Although it wasn’t anywhere near as flashy as some of the ladies in the restaurant, it definitely wouldn’t be considered Plain. She felt it was a good compromise between the two worlds—modest yet stylish. And it complemented Carson’s collared button-down and pressed slacks.
There was one thing about her outfit that she felt was a little out of place, though. She glanced at her left hand, espying her fancy diamond ring. It was unquestionably more exquisite than anything she would have chosen for herself. She cringed at the thought of what Carson may have paid for it. Mattie had guessed upwards of ten thousand dollars, being that it was one and a half carats. Elisabeth didn’t doubt that, since Carson seemed so blasé when it came to money. It was obvious that he owned his money as opposed to letting his money own him. She had no idea how much he had, but she didn’t doubt for a moment that he could afford such a fancy ring. She’d once mentioned something about money, but he’d assured her that he had enough. Her lack of currency didn’t seem to bother Carson one bit, and for that she was thankful.
“This is a very nice restaurant,” Elisabeth commented as she perused the high-priced menu.
Carson lifted a brow. “You don’t mind, do you? I know we usually don’t eat at places this extravagant, but I wanted to treat my fiancée to something special.”
“Oh no, it’s fine.” She smiled. “So, are the prices any indication of the quality of food?”
Carson laughed. “We shall see. I like it because they have some pretty awesome vegan entrees.”
“I figured they must’ve had some. So, what do you suggest?” She turned to the vegan section of the menu.
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