I nod, but I can’t speak because my voice will crack, which is only going to make me cry more. I just have to go. I don’t even have my car here. Looking at the door, I refuse to turn my head toward him, hoping he’ll take the hint.
“I’ll call you a cab, Tara,” he says. “It will take you to wherever you want. When you’re ready to talk, call me.”
I nod my head and go toward the door. With the handle in my fingertips, I twist it and pull the door slightly. I want to say ‘goodbye’ or ‘see you soon’ but I can’t bring myself to, so I just bring it open all the way and step out.
***
I sit on the stoop for what I guess is twenty minutes before the luxury driver pulls up. I look in the tinted windows before walking up, because I am not going to take a vehicle sponsored by Denver D. Phillips. On the dashboard sits a Gogo sign, so I know that he at least thought about me enough to get a public service.
On the way to Burbank I just stare out the window. I don’t want to replay a single thing until I can lock myself in my apartment and rethink things. The driver doesn’t speak a word to me, and I think it’s because when he looks back at me he can see that my eyes are baggy, weighed down. Maybe Denver told him that I wasn’t much of a talker. He’s probably a good tipper.
The driver drops me off and I walk up the long stone path to my gate where I punch in my code. The interior of my complex is one big, gated court facing in on itself. It’s not much, but right now it’s all that I have. Taking the steps up to my apartment, I smell the familiar stench of Mrs. Almadi’s spiced curry, and the college student next door’s reefer. When I unlock my door, I take in the aroma of my place, which I haven’t been in in days—lilac and coriander. I like the soapy, clean smell that they give me every time I come back.
Even though it’s old school, I still have a landline, and it’s full of messages. I don’t even want to bother going through them. I scan through the caller ID and see that most of them are from Dominic, some from my parents and friends. The others are bill and loan collectors. Nobody I really need to call back right now.
I double-check that my apartment is locked tight. After having a gun in your face, there’s nothing like returning to an empty apartment in a not-too-great section of Southern California. The first thing I do is plug my phone in, and then I take a hot shower. When I come back, I see that Denver has tried to reach me. He doesn’t have my landline, but I’m actually excited to see that he’s blown up my cell with texts and calls. They’re all positive, filtered with different ways to tell me he loves me without wearing the word down to nothing.
Right now, I have the upper hand because he knows that my phone has been off, so I text him that I’m going to bed, I’m shutting my phone off, and I’ll get at him when I’m ready.
Deep down I want to send him every heart or kissy emoji I can find, but I have to act hard for a night and make him think I don’t even care. Really, though, I care a hell of a lot.
In the comfort of my own bed I finally close my eyes, feeling protected. It’s funny that even the “safety” of a billionaire feels less guarded than my own, in-need-of-washing sheets. This smell just reminds me of me. Before all of this, I spent so much time with Dominic that my own apartment basically became a place where I store and dump stuff off.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll get around to cleaning. I plan on sleeping for as long as possible. If I didn’t see the police take Martin and Jill away with my own eyes, I probably wouldn’t be able to fall asleep right now. I wouldn’t be able to imagine Denver’s smile, the way he stood in front of a gun for me, or how his eyes rolled back when we came together.
Drifting to sleep, I hold my phone as close as it will go while staying plugged in. I go through all of Denver’s texts—they’re like letters in time, telling me how amazing I am. How he wants to give me the world. How I changed his world.
This is the stuff dreams are made of, Tara, I tell myself. Suddenly my phone lights up and he sends me a picture of himself, lying in the purple sheets where we made love earlier. The text bubble simply reads “wish u were here”. It’s his face, lip pouty, eyebrows scrunched in—and those deep, brilliant blue eyes.
My man.
I take one of myself, but I don’t use the flash like he did. I let it remain dark and slightly blurred. With a little time I’ll let myself come into focus, and hopefully soon there will be room in the frame for Denver, too.
THE END
Bonus Story 36 of 40
The End Zone
Chris Watson had no idea what he was doing here. He leaned against the clean red and gold painted sides of the stands on the field waiting for a bus full of loud and probably sticky kids. His head still throbbed from last night's party and the world around him continued to look fuzzy through his darkly tinted glasses.
"Here," a much too loud voice said from behind him. He winced and turned to see his agent, Harry, handing him two pills. "You look like you could use some aspirin."
"Thanks," Chris mumbled as he palmed the small pills and shoved them down his throat. Harry automatically handed him a large bottle of water. Chris took a sip then sank back against the siding.
"Harry, remind me what I'm doing on this field on a Saturday when we don’t have to train,” Chris said. His cracked voice sounded tired even to his own ears.
“You agreed to this, remember?” Harry answered. “You said you’d be willing to do volunteer work to get your PR back where it needs to be.”
“I didn’t agree to wake up at 8 am on a Saturday to drive forty-five minutes away from the city,” Chris grumbled. “What school has a football league during the spring anyway?”
Even though Chris kept his bleary eyes fixed on the field, he could feel Harry’s half amused and half annoyed gaze on him. This was confirmed when Harry let out an ironic chuckle.
“Wow,” he said. “You really were plastered last night, weren’t you?”
“What makes you say that?” Chris asked defensively. Chris turned and looked at Harry squaring himself up to his full height. At 6 foot 4 he was usually very intimidating, especially to shorter men like Harry. Harry, however, simply shook his head and chuckled at Chris again.
“I know because you’ve forgotten everything I told you when we met about this yesterday,” Harry said.
Though the agent was shorter not only than Chris but most men, he had a commanding voice that belied his blonde balding hair and beer belly hanging over his dark suit.
“You’re not doing this workshop for a school,” he said. “It’s an after-school league. They play light tackle football in the fall, and they keep the kids busy with tag football in the spring and summer.”
Chris rolled his eyes but nodded. He knew Harry was right. After his latest DUI, he desperately needed some good press.
He usually tried not to think about how or why he had let things get this out of control. He usually told himself that all the big name athletes went to clubs and that all of them partied after games. He told himself he was no different, that he deserved a little celebration every now and then.
He’d defied the odds by getting this far. Just looking at him, you wouldn’t expect Chris to have been selected in the first round of the draft as a quarterback for a major team. Tall and good looking with light skin and bright blue eyes, he was much leaner than your typical football player. With an arm not as skilled at throwing as some, few had expected him to make the NFL at all before he got to college. He’d worked hard and proved them all wrong.
But now, as he was standing here in an empty stadium after a second losing season and facing his second DUI charge in as many years, he had to admit to himself that maybe some self-reflection was in order.
Before he could go too far down the path of meditation however, a rumble of small voices could be heard in the entranceway coming from the locker room.
“Sounds like the cavalry’s here,” Harry muttered pulling Chris away from the siding so that he was facing the entrance way.
“Take
those off,” Harry said. He actually stood on his toes, reached up and snatched the sunglasses off the bridge of Chris’s nose. Chris was too tired to protest. “Nothing, not even bloodshot eyes say ‘I’m hung over’ louder than sunglasses.”
Chris, who realized he had no argument for this, fell silent.
A moment later, he found himself being confronted with a sea of shouting ten-year-olds. He knew, logically, that there couldn’t be more than twenty of them, but the empty stadium amplified their excited shouts tenfold making their size double.
All the same, Chris forced a smile onto his face as he watched Harry move in front of them.
“Good morning!” Harry called in his usual authoritative voice.
To Chris’s amazement, the voice that commanded the respect of NFL managers failed to register with the fourth-grade students in front of them.
A few kids looked to Harry and shouted excited good mornings, but many more were still talking excitedly to their friends and standing on their tip toes trying to peer over the arms of the security guards. Chris knew that they were trying to see him. Obligingly, he smiled and waved at the kids who did manage to catch his eye.
He felt slightly guilty when this created even more of a ruckus.
“If you settle down we can get started!” Harry tried again.
A few of the kids seemed to settle obediently. But not enough for even Harry’s voice to cut through those who were still talking.
Chris almost laughed when he caught sight of Harry, who was red-faced with embarrassment and annoyance. He was about to go over and ask if the agent needed help when a whistle blew and a strong, female voice cut through the chaos.
“Team! Team! Team!” It called calmly.
Immediately every voice went silent and turned towards the voice before responding in unison as crisply as a military unit.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!”
As soon as the response was spoken, an almost eerie but complete silence fell over the field. Chris looked towards the back of the group where the voice of Harry’s savior had emerged from.
He received another shock when he discovered not only a woman, but an incredibly, tall, slender and attractive woman with flashing green eyes and long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. The coach's whistle which had blown to call the group to silence now hung around her neck, and she was eyeing the children around her as though she were a general inspecting her troops.
“Who can tell me what I said yesterday about coming to this workshop?”
A few voices began to speak at once but stopped immediately when the woman raised a firm hand.
“Raise your hands, please,” she said in a gentle but firm voice. Several hands went up into the air.
“Deshante,” she said pointing to the small black boy who Chris had waved to earlier.
“You said coming here was a privilege,” he said in a voice so small Chris had to strain to hear him.
“And what does that mean?” she asked. Again several hands raised in the air. She pointed to a large Hispanic boy at the front of the group.
“It means you can make us go home if we ain't good,” he said.
“That’s right,” she said. “Now, are you going to be quiet and listen to the rules?”
“Yes,” they answered in unison. Some of them even hung their heads in shame.
The woman simply smiled and looked over to Harry extending her hand and giving him permission to continue his introduction.
“Ok then,” he said, clearly still a little surprised but obviously impressed. “Well, welcome to Levi’s Stadium. We’re glad to have you here.”
Harry introduced Chris to the kids at which point their applause almost turned to anarchy once again. This time, nothing more than a loud and pointed cough from the female coach prevented this.
Chris found himself smiling gratefully at her more than once as he explained the workshop to the kids and answered their questions. Every time it seemed like the kids’ excitement had reached a boiling point, a word from her was the only thing able to get them back on track. As Chris’s introduction speech came to an end, he found himself looking forward more and more to meeting this unlikely general.
When the kids were instructed to go out onto the field and begin the throwing drills he’d described, he got his chance. Before he could confidently swagger up to her as he usually would, he was once again surprised when she moved confidently towards him.
“Hey,” she said with a bright smile that reached her eyes, “I’m Michelle. I’m the one responsible for that horde over there.”
She stuck out her hand to him.
“Chris Watson,” he said taking her hand. Her grip was firmer than most men he’d shaken hands with. She also showed no trepidation upon meeting one of the highest paid football players of all time.
“I know you, of course,” she said with amusement in her voice. “I was a big fan of yours when you were in college.”
“I’ll try to take that as a compliment,” Chris said, feeling a hint of embarrassment creep into his cheeks. He wasn’t used to being surprised by women.
“You should,” she said seeming completely nonplussed. “You were an amazing player.”
“I guess that’s changed now?” he asked letting go of her hand. He expected her to stumble and backtrack as people usually did when they accidentally pointed out that his game had slipped recently.
She simply smiled and shrugged.
“The NFL’s different,” she said unapologetically. “Most players go through a transition period. Of course you’re still a great player. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.”
Most players he knew would have their egos shattered by that statement. And, even Chris had to admit, his gut reaction was to feel offended and affronted. But he discovered that he didn’t mind at all.
Maybe it was the fact that she was pretty. Maybe it was the bright smile she still wore. Maybe it was the authority she’d commanded with the kids. But he suddenly discovered that he didn’t mind her laying down a few harsh truths.
“Wow,” he said smiling all the same. “You don’t pull your punches, do you?”
“I learned a long time ago that pulling punches doesn’t do anyone any good,” she said. “Best for everyone to just be honest straight out the gate. Sorry if it comes off as rude.”
“Nah,” he said. “Well . . . I mean . . . it’s a little unexpected but . . . I don’t mind.”
“That’s good,” she answered. “You’d be surprised how many people can’t take even a hint of criticism.”
He found that he could not do anything but nod at her. They both turned to watch the various volunteers helping the kids with their drills.
As expected, a few of the ten-year-olds showed some promise. Many more looked like they might be better at watching sports than playing on the field.
As Michelle continued to watch her team carefully, Chris couldn’t help but watch her. Occasionally she would yell out instructions to kids who were off task. “Marcus, pay attention!” and “Antonio, don’t make me come over there!” were the most frequent refrains.
It seemed odd, but she fascinated him more than he seemed to fascinate her. Finally, as the team transitioned from throwing drills to tire running, Chris got up the nerve to ask her what he had been wondering since she caught his eye that morning.
“So,” he said hesitantly, “how did you end up coaching these guys?”
She turned to him with an expression that almost made him sorry he’d asked the question.
“You don’t expect a woman to be a football coach?” she asked, though it seemed more like a statement than a question.
“Well, you don’t see it a whole lot,” he answered firmly. If she wasn’t going to pull her punches, he wouldn’t either. Her smile didn’t return but her face softened slightly as though he had impressed her.
“I got to be a coach the same way you got to be a first round draft pick for an NFL team,” she answered. “I was the best one for the
job.”
She stood looking at him with a hard and defiant gaze. He couldn’t help but smile down at her though he knew he probably wasn’t helping his cause. But he couldn’t help it. She seemed to have more balls than most of the men he’d ever met.
He was about to open his mouth to give a slightly flirty retort when something behind him seemed to catch her eye.
He heard the high-pitched sound of a ten-year-old in pain yelling “Antonio, stop it!” a second before Michelle’s whistle blew.
“That’s it, Antonio!” she yelled.
He turned around to see the large Hispanic boy holding on to the jersey of the small black boy named Deshante. Antonio’s eyes widened in fear as he looked up at Michelle, and he immediately let go of the smaller boy's shirt.
“I’m taking you out of the game,” Michelle said. Chris saw her march purposefully towards the large boy. No matter how many times he stammered that he was sorry, she still took him by the arm and marched him towards the sidelines.
Michelle stayed with Antonio the rest of the day while Chris spent most of his time walking around the kids and volunteers giving encouragement and occasional advice. Throughout the day though, he couldn’t help but sneak a few occasional glances back at the coach.
Michelle was clearly a different kind of woman. But she was definitely the kind that Chris wanted to get to know.
*****
Angrily Michelle clicked her cell phone’s end call button more forcefully than she had intended. But, she couldn’t help it. Her best friend, who was supposed to pick her up after the workshop, couldn't come. Her daughter was sick and there was no one else who could watch her.
That meant that Michelle was stuck in Santa Clara, a forty-five minute drive from the city. Now she was going to have to rely on some stranger to drive her all the way back home.
She headed back to the bench at the front of the stadium. There she watched as the last boy, little Deshante, threw a brand new ball up and down for himself. All the kids had been given footballs. Chris Watson had handed them out himself.
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