The
Beginning
Isabella Redwood
The Beginning Copyright © 2013 Isabella Redwood.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be re-produced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including copying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without express permission of the author. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or to businesses, companies, events, institutions, or locales is completely coincidental.
Cover art and copyright © Isabella Redwood.
To my beautiful daughter Alannah Leigh; always remember to dream.
“You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
-Christopher Columbus.
Who am I you may ask?
What lurks behind the folds of that troublesome mask?
Am I made of flesh and bone or circuits and wires an intelligent drone?
Would you really want to see the real me or is it more digestible to simply make believe?
I can be anything you want in the foundations of your imagination, a smooth flat surface for you to lay each wishful brick
But, if you knew the real me, would the bricks sink deep down through the cracks of the earth, blister and burn at the core of what is deemed my worth.
CONTENTS
1 CAITLAN- Into the wild
1 Lexi- Just like you
2 Caitlan - Waiting
2 Lexi - College
3 Caitlan - Birthday
3 Lexi - Christopher
4 caitlan - aftermath
4 Lexi – Curiosity killed the cat
5 caitlan – no place like home
5 lexi - missing
6 caitlan - bombshell
6 lexi – woe is me
7 caitlan – becoming lexi
7 lexi – new life
8 caitlan - ballet
8 lexi – the meeting
9 caitlan - plans
9 lexi – the future
10 caitlan – the truth be told
10 lexi - money
11 caitlan - confessions
11 lexi – birthing class
12 caitlan – shower me
12 lexi – hospital party
13 caitlan – baby JC
13 lexi – new mom
14 caitlan – the new girl
14 lexi – everything changes
15 caitlan – hidden secrets
15 lexi – returning ghosts
16 caitlan – last day
16 lexi – moving forward
17 caitlan – realisation
17 lexi – apartment hunting
18 caitlan - getaway
18 lexi – packing
19 caitlan – audition
19 lexi - revelations
20 caitlan – in the end
20 LEXI - ECHO
CAITLAN- Into the wild
Camping and hiking were two of my favourite things to do, but not today.
I wanted to practice; I wanted to dance until I could not dance any longer. Falling into an exhausted, but endorphin fuelled slump onto the deep auburn hard wood floor that smelled fondly of sweet cherries and honey. The polish, no doubt, laboriously tweaked until it was just the right consistency of aroma that Madam would approve of.
She was my master and I was her slave and right now, the thought of hiking, listening to Lexi and dad constantly bicker over every little thing sent my mind sprinting back to that room. Pirouetting under the star lit ceiling and receiving my first applaud as principle dancer for the New York Ballet Company.
‘Caitlan, where are you? I need help.’ Lexi’s voice rose at the end. She was never one to panic easily and this brought me crashing back down to reality. The damp chilled air caressing my skin as I pulled my jacket on and left my tent of dreams.
We had been to the same campsite for the past seven years. I knew the layout so well I could walk in complete darkness and still stumble into the restrooms without issue. I had never been this time of year though, usually spring when the fields nearby danced with newly erupting flowers and the trees swayed in time to my adagio.
This years trip had been delayed with my dad being on deployment for longer than expected. Something that he and Lexi had argued about constantly on the way up here. Just one of many things they disagreed over from the clothes she wore, to the friends she had.
It was secluded; few knowing of its hidden location and I would sit by the campfire toasting marshmallows, gazing up at the stars and wondering what they had in store for me. Well, who, really. I had never had a boyfriend and at almost sixteen Lexi had just ended with her third. Something she constantly reminded me of.
The words spinster and alone were her preferred vocabulary choice.
No one had come close to the stories I had read and until they did, locked in my imagination with dance as my soul mate was enough for me.
Locating Lexi and seeing the crumpled state of her face, quickly removed the smile off mine.
‘What’s wrong, Lexi?’ The look of fear enveloping us both. My expression mirroring hers as identical as you could get.
‘I can’t find it, my journal. Caitlan, help.’ She was starting to freak out and I willingly joined in the quest, hunting the campsite from top to bottom in search of the scarlet red leather bound journal Lexi would not be parted from. An extension of her as much as I was.
‘Don’t worry, Lexi, I will find it.’ My vow as strong and pure as the love that fuelled me on to dance even though my feet were bruised and bleeding. She was my soul sister and I would never let her down.
After searching for hours and coming up empty-handed, I peeped out from under the bobble hat that was now turning into more of a blindfold, the rain soaking it to my head. Lexi, once panicking was now distraught and my dad was not helping.
‘For goodness sake, it is just a pad of paper; you can buy another one. We need to go.’ I hated how he always belittled Lexi’s feelings to be an inconvenience whenever he had chance.
‘Dad, please, we can’t go. I need my journal, you don’t understand…’ Before Lexi could finish her thought my dad had already thrown the last of the hiking equipment into the trunk and sat ready to go in the driving seat. We were leaving.
‘Lexi, just wait. I’ll speak to him. You keep looking, okay?’ I gave her a reassuring smile, as much as I could muster, my muscles frozen with the ice-cold wind blasting frozen waves of rainwater at my face for the last hour and a half.
‘Okay.’ I heard her audibly sigh; I knew she would not give up. She was the most tenacious person I know. Walking to the hire car, I practiced the words in my head, timidly reciting my speech, like rote.
‘Dad, please, you know how much we both love our journals. If it was mine, I would be heartbroken, please, just thirty minutes longer. Leaving at 16:00 would get us on the I76 after the traffic, saving fuel.’ I knew if I attempted logical thought, coupled with a bit of military thinking and my feelings of angst, he would come around. That thought squeezed my heart in my chest, stopping the circulation flowing to my lungs and making me cough.
‘Sweetheart, what’s wrong? I hope you are not getting a cold because of your sister’s incompetence. She can’t keep anything safe for two seconds.’
I wanted to scream, why do you love me more than her? Why do you make it so obvious? She is my identical twin, why me? But these are all thoughts I would never share, because deep down I loved that he loved me more. I am a b
itch right? How can I say that about my sister? She is the epitome of perfection; smart, funny, gorgeous, so confidant, and I’m just stuck in her shadow, invisible to most or just another Lexi.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me by my sister’s name, only to be disappointed when they realised it was just Caitlan, I could buy Lexi all the designer clothes she dreamt of every night.
‘I’m fine, Dad. Please, for me, can you think of anything to help Lexi?’ keeping my eyes low and submissive, just as he always liked me to be.
‘For pity’s sake.’ He ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation and gave me his award-winning smile. My mother was the envy of many at the PTA meetings. Blond, beautiful and brilliant. A senior officer in the Navy, every married woman who had settled dream guy.
To me he was just dad. Like any other, except he was often away for weeks at a time and I really missed him. But I saw them watching, drooling over him at every family event we attended and I vowed never to get married to someone who was not my soul mate. Who was I kidding? If I ever found anyone to look past my sister and see me. I would probably end up alone, sleeping with my ballet slippers and I shuddered.
‘Get in the car right now, I will fix this.’ Assuming I was cold, he cranked up the heat and trudged off in the mud that was caked all over my new jeans and hiking boots. My mom would flip.
I sat in my seat, buckling myself in and began to thaw my frozen toes on the radiator. Agreeable Caitlan as always. I opened the window a crack to breathe in the mountain air one last time and tried to freeze my thoughts away.
‘I will have the platoon on exercise in the area look for it, now get in the car, your mom will be panicking if we are not back soon. You know she watches the weather report when we are away and will know the weather has turned. I do not want her worrying over you again as per usual. Get in the car now,’ he bellowed. Lexi looked destitute and I shot her my unspoken hugs look as she reluctantly clicked her seat belt in and turned to face the road ahead. Ready for the inevitable arguing that would ensue in three, two, one…
‘You don’t care at all; I want to go back right now. It is there I just need a little longer.’ Lexi always knew just how to rub dad up the wrong way. Did she do it deliberately? I could never figure them out. They were so alike, yet complete strangers at the same time and asking the way she just did would not go down well.
‘Listen, girlie, I’m the father, not you. Don’t tell me what you think I feel. You are lucky your sister cares enough about you to spend two hours looking for your incompetence. I would have given in ten minutes later.’
‘Can we put the radio on, Dad, please?’ Trying in vain to direct attention elsewhere.
‘I hate you; can’t wait until you are back on deployment, that’s the only time I have any fun.’ Oh Lexi, please just be quiet. I willed my mind to reach hers, but she was too angry to listen.
‘Hate, now that’s a strong word. Wait until you know the true meaning of it and then we will talk. For now, shut that mouth of yours before you are grounded until you’re eighteen.’ The vein that appeared on my dad’s forehead whenever him and Lexi fought was pulsing and I once again tried to distract them.
‘Lexi, remember you put your email address in it. When someone finds it, they will contact you. I just know it.’ Craning my neck around to see her, my body defrosting and I sneezed, my hair still soaked through. Oh, crap.
‘See, this is what I mean, you’re so thoughtless and everyone else gets to pay for your mistakes. Get your head out of the clouds and back to reality and maybe you would not lose things you say you care about so much. Caitlan, you feeling okay, sweetie?’ He reached across and rested his hand on my forehead.
‘I’m fine, Dad, just allergies.’ He was not buying it and neither was I, but it was worth a try and gave a moment of peace while my sister asked if I was okay before the arguing once again commenced and it continued all the way of the four-hour journey back to the cabin where my mother and brother were waiting.
This was meant to be our annual father, daughter camping trip, but the weather had brought it all to an abrupt stop. I would normally have been disappointed, but this just meant more time to practice. I wanted the part of Juliet in my school’s ballet recital so badly; I would practice day and night if I could. Sitting here almost at our destination, my feet were itching to be reunited with their ballet slippers.
We had finally arrived and I could not wait to get out of the car, my head pounding, my throat feeling like it had tentacles of loathing resentment encircling it.
Looking at the house in front of me, I could not help smile.
The cabin was beautiful, five bedrooms, four bathrooms, log-burning stone fireplaces in the recreation room and main living room. Positioned on top of a natural ridge it had tranquil nature views. The living room featured towering cathedral ceilings, huge windows and an expansive deck. There was a private hot tub, an entertainment room with a pool table and a 42-inch plasma screen TV with a playstation that I knew Seth would be glued to from the moment we arrived until we left, if he had his way.
My mom was waiting to greet us at the door and Lexi walked straight past her and up to our room without uttering a word. My mom gave me her knowing look and hugged me before I too followed her upstairs, ruffling Seth’s hair on the way past the TV.
‘Hey, you, I’m going to practice, but later you and me, pool game, okay.’ I got a grunt of acknowledgement, the lure of the playstation beating even me.
Opening the door to our room gingerly, Lexi was slumped on the bed, head in hands.
‘Lex, it will turn up, I just know it,’ stroking her back and desperately wanting to brighten her mood.
‘Caitlan, it had his number in, the guy I told you about that I met on the bus. I never memorised it and now it is lost forever.’ Tears were welling in her eyes as I pulled her into my arms. I had never seen Lexi so caught up over a guy before.
‘He will be leaving for basic training soon and now I will never see him again.’ She was really sobbing and I wrapped my arms around her, remembering that day.
‘OMG, Caitlan, I just met the most amazing, gorgeous, smart, funny, perfect guy on the bus. He is eighteen and just joined the army. Caitlan, he gave me his number and I was so stunned, I could not respond. Just nodded like the dog on the dash in dad’s pickup. He probably thinks I’m a moron. Oh, God.’ She threw herself onto the bed and hid under the blanket grandma had crocheted for us when we were babies. The topaz blue, almost matched our eyes, offset against the Palomino white horses galloping, hair outstretched, ready for their adventure and it was one of my favourite things in the whole world.
‘I highly doubt he could ever think you were a moron, Lexi, he wouldn’t have given you his number if he didn’t like you. It is you we are talking about, not me. Come out and we can call him or text or something, just come out.’ She lifted the cover off revealing her eyes, as identical as mine as if we were looking into a mirror, though we could not be farther from different if we tried personality wise.
‘No way, I can’t call him now, I will wait until after our trip, I don’t want him to know I like him silly. Gees, Caitlan, for someone so smart, you know nothing about guys.’ Lexi shook her head with horror. Socially inept, was one way to describe me.
A knock at the door bought us both back to reality and Lexi left to help our mom with dinner and I started warming up for practice. Nothing had ever made me feel the way ballet did. I was complete when I danced. Gone were all the doubts, self-loathing and inept thoughts. I was a swan serenely floating around the room, my touch so gentle, you couldn’t hardly hear the steps.
I would never be Lexi, but when I danced, I could truly be Caitlan.
Finishing my shower after practice, I was plotting my dance routine for the audition in my head when the idea once again hit me. We had not been able to find Lexi’s journal, but what if someone else had? We had both written our email address in our journals, so excited at the fact mom had finall
y agreed to let us have an account and that thought warmed my now frozen skin. Realising the hot water had run out long ago while I was daydreaming and only an ice-cold spray was torturing my skin now.
This was not a rare occurrence, locked in my dreams most of the time; I often ended up missing conversations and agreeing to things without consciously realising. Guess that is where my nickname, the people pleaser, came from.
The next two days went torturously slow with Lexi and my dad constantly bickering over every little thing and my mom trying to haul in the peace blockade, fruitlessly. Finally it was time to leave and driving home my thoughts had been set on checking our email as soon as we arrived.
I hadn’t mentioned anything to Lexi again, not wanting to get her hopes up, but I felt so strongly things were about to change and I pushed all the positive thoughts to the forefront of my mind as my eyes drifted closed and dancing filled my dreams.
Turning the computer on I drummed my fingers across the granite worktop. My heart thrumming along with the motor as the pc roared to life. Knowing Lexi’s password I logged into her email and held my breath as the new messages flashed up.
There it was, subject, lost journal. I flew down the stairs, practically dislocating her arm to drag her upstairs so we could read the message together.
Hi, Lexi, I found your journal when I was hiking back to our campsite. It was protected from most of the weather, caught underneath a log. If you reply back with your address, I can send it to you.
Thanks, Lucas.
My heart was hammering as I read the words repeatedly. Lexi had speed read the message and was already speaking to our mother to see if she could give out our address.
I just wanted to sit by the computer and re-read the message from Lucas. Just the sound of his name was giving me goose bumps and I marvelled at the thought of who he was and what he was doing right now when Lexi crashing through the room brought me back to the present.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 1