‘Lexi.’ Her sharp voice made me lose balance and almost fall flat onto the cherry lacquered floor.
‘Yes, Madam?’ Regaining composure, I faced her quizzically, eyes head on.
‘There is a place available in the regional dance finals and now that your sister is indisposed, I thought you may like to try it. Participation is expected for college applications, should you be considering that avenue,’ sauntering off after dropping her news bomb, greeting the late arrivals with disdain.
I knew of course about the audition and had been practicing for weeks, but was not sure how I, being Lexi, could suddenly have this overwhelming interest to compete. Now that problem was solved, and I floated around as though on air for the rest of the practice session. Each intricate position laboriously practised until I could find my way blindfolded.
Ballet was my dream, my life, before Lucas; maybe all was not lost. Changing and packing up my things, I once again was startled to find Madam stood appraising me, as though I was a piece on auction.
‘Dear, tell your sister I am very sorry,’ her voice dropped an octave and I swear I caught a tear filling her eye, before she sucked it away, as only a dancer can do. The show must go on and sashayed across to her office without another word.
Walking home, I could not help but divert all my attention to Lucas; I had not spoken to him, electronically speaking, for the past week. After he was discharged from hospital, he was sent to a rehab facility under the guise of providing a holistic environment for his recovery. His mother had booked him in for one month’s stay and no computers or phones were permitted.
If it had not been for his brother sneaking in a phone to Lucas, I would have spent the last month alone. He had been caught using the phone a week ago, and it was confiscated, but finally he was coming home today and I longed to hear his words, as much as I longed to dance.
The house was eerily quiet when I arrived home, my mom and sister had gone shopping for some new clothes, no longer able to fit into any of my imposter clothing and Seth was at a sleepover.
I climbed the stairs two at a time, desperate to get to my computer and check my emails. Cranking it up, I waited, thrumming my fingers against my leather bound journal in eagerness. My heart almost catapulting itself out of my chest at the message awaiting me.
Lexi, you have no clue how much I have missed you. This past week has been so torturous I couldn’t bear it any longer. I checked myself out and my brother has said I can move in with him. I’m finally going to be free and to celebrate; I have a proposition for you. My brother has an architecture convention in Seattle next week and I am going with him. We will be staying at the Radisson and I would love you to meet us there. I know you have your dance competition that day and will be in town. We could meet afterwards. No pressure, just an idea. God, I love you.
Speak soon.
Love always,
Lucas.
My heart was beating so fast I could barely catch my breath. He would be here. What was I going to say? The thought of seeing him, sent me into a blind panic of fear and pleasure. The time I had spent in the airport waiting for the flight that never was, I had convinced myself this was for the best. We were not meant to meet that day, but now the stars were aligning perfectly and I opened the laptop that I had been hugging so tightly in my arms, I had left imprints in my skin.
The sound of Seth bounding up the stairs and my mom returning with Lexi, ended that moment abruptly.
‘Hey, sis, you want to see my new clothes?’ Grinning that infectious grin that only my sister could pull off, making you lose any semblance of what you were thinking or doing and focusing only on her.
‘They all look fantastic, really, I would never have thought they were maternity clothes,’ I gushed, feeling her warmth emanating from her body into mine. She was glowing in this stage of pregnancy and looked so happy. The fact that my father had left for another deployment, no doubt helping matters.
The air that was once stifling with unspoken truths and lies, cleared, just as quickly as he pulled away down the drive. My mother was returning to her old self, clearly too distracted by my sister’s pregnancy to dwell on her own problems and the sound of the doorbell, brought me crashing back from my musing.
‘Lexi, something has just been delivered for you,’ I could feel my mother’s intrigue wafting up the stairs as I took off at full speed to meet her at the door. She presented me with the most exquisite bouquet of flowers I had ever seen. Lilies and pink roses, filling the room with their decadent scent as all eyes were on me, penetrating into the recess of my mind, like talons trying to hook the information out of my subconscious, unwillingly.
‘What, Mom, why are you staring at me like that?’ The perfect go to response from Lexi. I was getting so good at impersonating her; it frightened me sometimes.
‘Nothing, just happy for you is all,’ she sighed and pottered back to the kitchen as a rush of guilt consumed me. Yes, I had to act like my sister, but maybe I was using this as an opportunity to say everything that I had ever wanted to say, the fear enveloped me. No, I would not do this, and taking the flowers upstairs to my room, I grabbed my practice clothes and headed for the loft.
The contest was in three days’ time and if Lucas was going to watch, I wanted to be the best I could be.
‘Hey, I saw your flowers, they are amazing,’ my sister shouted above the music I had blaring as I pirouetted around the room.
‘Thanks,’ was all I could muster, wanting to be lost in the rhythms and the melodies with only one thought, Lucas. The music abruptly ceasing, put a stop to that.
‘What is wrong? And don’t tell me nothing, I can feel your angst from here,’ throwing me her, all knowing stares, I began a simple warm down.
‘Lucas and his brother are coming to Seattle in three days,’ I uttered, barely audible.
‘That is the best news; you will finally get to meet. Is he coming for the dance contest?’ She asked questioningly, and I felt panic stoking itself once again.
‘No, his brother is coming here for an architecture event; he is studying it at college.’ Collapsing onto the floor with exhaustion and gulping water out of my sports bottle I lay my head against the floorboards.
‘I know you are nervous, but this is going to be amazing. You have wanted to see each other for so long. Look at those flowers he sent, he is in love with you and I cannot wait to meet him in person.’ That last sentence had me up off the floor within milliseconds.
‘No way, I am not introducing him to my whole family on our first real date.’ That was not the reason why I did not want them to meet. The real reason left a bitter bile taste in my mouth and taking another gulp of water, I tried to wash it away. No, I was not frightened that my first real love would fall in love with my sister. That is ridiculous. Taking my self-deprecating frame out of this conversation, I headed for the shower, feeling the cold water drowning my irrational thoughts as quickly as they tried to flail back up onto the surface.
Dinner was uncomfortable, me just wanting to be lost in my own panic, Seth jubilant about his win at soccer, and mom and Lexi talking all things baby. Shaking myself, I tried to join in the conversation and watched Lexi animatedly talking about decorating the spare room as a nursery and a stroller she had seen online.
It was so surreal; going from what pair of shoes she must have to strollers within months. This was the reality now, and it just made me feel farther away from them all. The only person I felt connected with would be in my city within three days and I did not know what to do.
Helping clear up from dinner, I absentmindedly scrubbed over and over the same baking tray, the bubbles long since dispersed, and the water now cold.
‘Don’t meet him,’ her whispered voice brought me back from my reverie.
‘What?’ I replied, confused, but intrigued.
‘If it is causing you this much worry, then don’t meet him. You can say you are injured and not competing, it is really upsetting for you and you will con
tact him again soon.’ I felt her eyes gouging out holes in my back as I drained the sink and watched the water escape down the plughole. Why did her reply suddenly make me feel nervous? The thought of not seeing him was worse than the realisation that he may not want me.
‘No, I want to see him, I’m going to tell him right now,’ suddenly feeling jubilant. She always knew what to say to make me see reason and right now, I could not have loved her more. Grabbing her into my arms, I felt the newly expanded bump against my stomach.
‘Oops, sorry, JC,’ I whispered, patting her stomach and watching her wide eyed as I ran up the stairs. Saying goodnight to my mom on the way, I was finally going to do it.
Opening the laptop, I waited for the email file to open and grinned impishly at my newly received mail.
Hey baby, I am so sorry about this, but I failed my midterm from all the time I missed while in hospital. I have to start a summer session this week and I can’t come to Seattle. I am so sorry.
Forgive me, your Lucas xxx
My heart once jubilantly pumping life around my body became sluggish and heavy. Throwing the blanket over my head, I let the tears escape, crying for everything that had happened with Lexi getting pregnant, us switching places and my father despising me. To never being able to meet Lucas. The door opening made me startle as my sister joined me on the bed, wrapping her arms around me.
‘Caitlan, what is it? Shush, it will be okay.’ We had vowed never to say our real names, but in that moment, it was all I wanted to hear and it brought me comfort. Once again, my sister knew me more than I knew myself.
‘Listen, I know this was so much to ask of you, us switching places and if it is too much, we can stop.’ Hearing those words, I wiped the tears that had flowed in copious amounts down my face away and sniffed.
‘It is harder than I thought it would be, but no, it is not too much, I can do this,’ deciding honesty was the best policy. I could not let her down, not ever. ‘Lucas is not coming after all, he needs to do summer school and the session starts this week.’ My heart was flailing with that revelation and I once again lifted the laptop onto my knee to respond. Lexi went to get us both ice cream, and I started to type.
Lucas, thank you so much for the flowers, they were beautiful. I understand completely about summer school, I know how much getting into the law program means to you and you will do it. We will meet again soon; I know it.
Love always, me xxx
I felt a little lighter until I consumed two pints of ice cream with my sister. Both falling asleep from an ice cream coma.
I awoke first the next morning, making breakfast for everyone, strawberry pancakes, though Lexi made the best ones of the family and bacon. I had a fitting for my costume this morning and gulping down my orange juice I grabbed bus fare money and left before anyone had gotten up.
Walking to the bus stop, I could not shake the feeling someone was watching me and twice I turned around, only seeing a blonde woman around the same age as my mom and a younger guy. He would not have looked out of place in a gangster movie.
Pulling my coat tightly around myself, I picked up speed and ran when I saw the bus pulling in. To my relief, neither boarded the bus, but as we drove past, I felt like daggers were penetrating my soul from the hostile look she was giving me. Shaking it off as just my imagination, I joined Madam and the other competitors from my ballet group at the dance apparel store.
An outfit had already been custom made for my sister, and I smiled to myself as the fitter marvelled how it fit me perfectly. Panning around in the mirror to check the costume from all angles, I pictured myself in eighteen months’ time wearing the same outfit, although that would be for the New York Ballet audition and I felt warmth tingling up my spine.
Madam had drummed it into us that this was the last contest before the audition that would decide if ballet was in our future and I was prepared for it. I had been working for this moment for all my life and a part of me felt forlorn that Lucas would not witness it, but a little relieved at the same time.
I needed to focus on only this, ballet had been my world until Lucas arrived, and having them both, completed me in ways I never felt were possible.
I paid the assistant and smiled as I passed Madam, tentatively. Despite all my years of instruction from her, I was still wary of showing any kind of emotion. She was the most closed person I had ever met, and at one time, I feared I would end up the same way, before Lucas. The warm feeling his name always generated enveloped me as I proceeded to the bus stop.
My phone ringing startled me and I answered, the feeling of dread consuming me.
‘Lexi, there has been an accident, Seth is in the emergency room, he broke his arm, hurry,’ my mom’s voice strained as I took off at full pelt to the local hospital. Running all the way, my heart struggling to keep up with the constant demand of my speed.
‘Seth Thomas,’ I near screamed arriving at the reception area, my face scarlet red from running and the fear was coursing through my body.
‘Lexi, over here.’ I heard my sister’s voice and ran to her side as she ushered me into the room where Seth was lay on a gurney having his arm put into a cast. My mom was sat at his side stroking his hair and reassuring him as he watched in amazement at the mummy like bandage being wrapped around his arm.
I kissed him on the head and the doctor asked for us to go get drinks while she chatted to my mom. We walked, arms linked to the nearest vending machine, something we used to do as kids, skipping together joyfully. Now we were both as upset as each other though there was more than that. I could feel her secrets flowing through me. A connection we had always felt since as long as I can remember.
‘What is it, what are you not telling me?’ I stopped abruptly turning to look into her eyes. She pulled me into the bathroom and after locking the door, began
‘Caitlan, Seth said a woman tried to grab him and pull him into her car. Someone tried to kidnap him.’
lexi – the meeting
I watched as the colour drained from my sister’s face, just as it had mine only thirty minutes early. How could this be happening? What evil person would try to hurt Seth, our innocent sweet brother?
This just did not compute and the fact he said it was a woman made it feel a million times worse. Women were supposed to nurture. No something was not right here.
‘Lexi, how can this be happening? Who would do such an evil thing?’ I watched her eyes fill with horror as the tears flowed down her face. There was nothing I could say to make any of this better so I just wrapped my arms around her and cried with her.
We both went to Seth’s room and tried to make light of everything as our mother had requested. Signing Seth’s cast, drawing silly little cartoon faces across his arm and not leaving his side for a second as our mom talked to the police.
We were allowed to leave the hospital two hours later, and the police confirmed they would stop by in the morning to update us. My mom was telling my dad everything that had happened on the phone as I tried to help making food for lunch with Caitlan.
‘Seth, you want peanut butter and jelly?’ Caitlan was fussing over him like a mother hen, cutting his crusts off and using a stencil of his favourite hero, Spiderman to shape the sandwich into. I could not shake the feeling that this was not some random incident and tried to talk to my mom. She looked translucent almost, getting off the phone with my dad and I approached with caution, as Caitlan would have done.
‘Mom, what did dad say? Is this something to do with his work?’ I asked questioningly, my father certainly had his enemies in his line of work, both overseas and internationally.
‘No, sweetheart, I think as hard as it is to comprehend, this was a random attack. The police officer confirmed there have been a couple of incidents locally, and we must remain vigilant. Oh, honey, it will be okay I promise,’ wrapping her arms around me as I shed tears for strangers I did not know going through this.
The rest of the day was spent in relative silence; us all
locked in our own nightmares, watching Seth as though he may combust at any second for signs of emotional injury. He took it in his stride as only he could and by the evening, he was back to his usual self.
The next two days flew by with Caitlan none stop practising for the dance contest and my mom dealing with workmen who had come to improve our home security at my father’s insistence.
He had been overseas on deployment and would not be back until next week. That thought was not comforting to me, but I could see how much a burden this had been on my mother emotionally and I hoped it would bring her some comfort.
I watched Caitlan pack her bag ready to leave for the contest and felt a tinge of jealously. I would not be able to compete now, with the pregnancy, and felt terrible for even thinking it as nudges of feet and hands floated inside.
Stroking my stomach, I had the best gift and turned to my sister who was looking green.
‘You are going to be amazing, I know it,’ watching as she paced back and forth, waiting for our mother to arrive. She had taken Seth to have his cast checked and was running late.
I could feel the nervous knots in Caitlan’s stomach tightening as each finger of the clock turned, making us both nauseous.
‘Where is she? Do you think Seth is okay?’ Wringing her hands as she paced, the fake tan I had plastered her with last night, the only colour on her face.
‘Seriously, Caitlan, you are going to wear yourself out. Oh look, there she is,’ pointing towards the Range Rover pulling into the drive.
Caitlan was out the door within seconds and the whole journey was spent with me making polite conversation with my mother, Seth playing his video game and Caitlan nodding in all the right places, but not listening to a word I said.
‘Welcome, ladies, if you would like to go warm up in the room to the right, I will bring your entry number shortly,’ a woman in her twenties, dressed in gym clothes, greeted us as we entered the exhibition hall. The posters of various dance schools hung along the walls as we passed. Caitlan scanned them until she found the New York Ballet.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 10