Played

by Tasha Fawkes

  It was early, and I wondered what Kelli was doing back so soon when I knew she hated to get up before mid-morning. I laid there, listening, waiting for all hell to break loose.

  But it didn’t. He wouldn’t tell her. Of course, he wouldn’t.

  Even so, the situation would be more than a little awkward now, worse than before. Now I had a secret to keep from Kelli too. I wasn’t a secretive person, had always worn my heart on my sleeve. If I could just keep the secret hidden from Joel for another few months, I might have enough money saved up to start a new life with my son.

  But along with that realization came the fact that I was destined to break Joel's heart. He had fallen in love with Ethan, was prepared to fight Kelli for custody.

  Now what was I going to do?

  I couldn't tell Kelli. Who could I go to for advice?

  No one. Not even Joel.

  This situation had gone from bad to worse. Not only was I desperate for the money, but I was selling out myself, selling out Joel to get it. Selling out my own baby.

  Sleeping with Joel had been a mistake. One that I didn't truly regret, but a mistake nevertheless. Not because I didn't feel something for him, or as I had told him, I didn't want to be "the other woman." It was because if I slept with Joel again, there was no way I would be able to hide it for long from Kelli's sharp eyes. Ever since that morning in the kitchen, she had watched me, watched Joel, ever so carefully. It wouldn't take much to reignite her suspicions. Or her jealousy.

  Ethan woke fussing in his crib and I quietly turned, opened the door, and peeked out. I didn't want to run into Joel or Kelli. Not now. I needed time to collect myself.

  Everything in the house was silent and dim in the dawn light so I quickly hurried to the nursery and slipped through the half-open door, the nightlight plugged in near his crib casting him in shadow. I made soft, cooing noises as I approached the crib, then placed my hand on Ethan's chest. He settled immediately. I checked to make sure his diaper was dry and wondered if I should warm him up some milk, but in moments, he fell back asleep.

  With a sigh, I remained standing at the crib for several moments, then left the room and headed for the kitchen. Maybe a cup of hot coffee would spur my brain into coming up with a solution I desperately needed.

  When I entered the kitchen, I gasped at the sight of Kelli leaning against the counter, frowning down at the granite, lost in thought.

  She glanced up, an ice I’d never seen in her eyes before quickly being covered with a brittle smile. Did she know? She couldn’t.

  “Good morning,” I managed to choke out.

  “Morning, Sarah. Rough night? Ethan not sleep through it?” Her eyes never left my face as she waited for an answer.

  I chose the truth, but kept my gaze on the coffee machine. “Ethan slept fine, it was me who didn’t.” I’d have to scoot past Kelli to get to the machine, but I needed caffeine if I had any hope of keeping my ever-increasing lies straight. “Do you mind if I get some coffee?”

  “Oh, I have something better. You’re never going to want coffee again after you try this tea.”

  “Tea? I never drink tea in the morning. Really, I’d prefer—”

  “I insist. It’s the least I can do since you give so much of your time to Ethan for me.” She smiled, and I wondered why she was keeping up the farce when we were alone, unless she was afraid Joel might walk in.

  I was too caffeine-deprived to care. “Sure.”

  Kelli went to the coffee machine and turned it on with plain water, and then reached into a cloth sack that was apparently from a shopping spree in San Luis Obispo. The dark green surface of the small can shimmered in the low light from the hood over the oven. She unscrewed the lid to the canister, and the exotic and soothing scent of the raw tea wafted through the room.

  “I picked this up especially for you.”

  “That was nice of you.” Now I felt even more guilty for what I had just done hours earlier.

  It was something I couldn't undo, but I could prevent it from happening again. It was imperative that it never happened again.

  I waited several moments while the water heated and then Kelli poured the hot water into a mug with about two tablespoons of the raw tea stuffed into its own strainer. She passed it to me and I stared at it for several moments, watching the water slowly darken as the tea infused, some of the tea escaping the strainer and settling toward the bottom of the mug. Tiny little bits of what looked to be powder rose to the surface of the mug, and I stirred the brew with the strainer and sat it in the sink.

  It smelled delicious, and after I carefully took a sip, I marveled at its flavor. Light and delicate, although with a hint of bitterness.

  “This is wonderful, Kelli, thanks. Where did you get it?”

  A wide smile stretched her lips. “Oh, just a little shop. Don’t waste a drop. It was expensive, but you’re worth it.”

  I nodded, the mug of tea cupped between my hands, warming them while my insides stayed cold with regret. I made my way back to the nursery. Leaving the door slightly open, I sat in the rocking chair, slowly sipping the tea, my mind spinning with uncertainties.

  After draining the mug, I considered getting up and making another because it tasted so good and had me feeling so relaxed, but I didn't want to move. I felt sleepy, my legs and arms heavy and leaden, supremely relaxed, almost rubbery. It grew increasingly difficult to keep my eyes open as I gazed at Ethan sleeping in his crib. One of my arms slipped off the rocking chair, the mug dangling from my fingers. I almost smiled, thinking that despite my emotional turmoil, I had rarely, if ever, felt so relaxed.

  Half asleep in that world between true wakefulness and dream state, I heard voices. Whispery voices. Kelli was in my dream, and so was the Joel's best friend, Eric. In the recesses of my mind, I remembered meeting him at the announcement party just a few weeks ago. I dreamed of Joel, corporate takeovers, and oddly enough, there was a cop in my dream too. At least I thought he was a cop. I struggled to open my eyes and wake myself up, drag my lazy ass to bed, but my body refused. Oddly enough, I felt myself being lifted, wrapped in a blanket. Was I sick? Finally, I succumbed, relishing the fact that I could slip into sleep, where I would no longer have to think, process, or feel. I sank down into the black darkness, welcoming it, hoping that when I woke up, I would know what to do.

  Sixteen

  Joel

  I stared at Kelli, dumbfounded. "What do you mean Sarah left?" I clutched Ethan against my shoulder, rocking slightly back-and-forth, my hand cradling his head as my chest tightened with the stunning news. "Left?"

  She nodded.

  Kelli had arrived home early this morning, much earlier than expected. Forgetting to be quiet, she’d slammed the front door, waking Ethan and starting him crying. I’d been in my office, blearily staring at paperwork and not getting much done. I hadn't slept well last night, had not really fallen asleep until the wee hours of the morning. Probably because of emotional turmoil, not only due to the stress with my company, but my guilt over sleeping with Sarah. Plus waiting for Kelli to get home so I could break the news to her.

  A few moments after hearing Kelli's keys plop onto the side table in the foyer, I had expected her to knock on my office door. Or to go in to settle Ethan, but she didn't. Perhaps she was waiting for Sarah to do it, but Ethan kept crying. After a solid minute of this, the baby's cries growing louder, I rose from my desk and opened the office door.

  Kelli stood in the living room, staring out at the pool.

  "Kelli, what you doing? Ethan's crying!" I said.

  She turned, eyebrows raised, as if she’d just noticed. I didn't bother waiting for a reply and hurried into the nursery, where I picked up Ethan and spoke softly to him. He was wet, so I quickly changed him while Kelli stood in the doorway. I glanced at her over my shoulder. "Can you warm up a bottle for him?"

  "Sure," she said, then disappeared.

  I wondered where Sarah was. She usually got Ethan up and she never let him cry more than a
few seconds. She rarely needed to, as she was more than adept at anticipating his needs, so his fussy moments were actually few and far between.

  With Ethan changed and settled comfortably on my shoulder, I left the nursery, glancing at Sarah's bedroom door. Closed. I frowned and then turned toward the kitchen where Kelli was just pulling a bottle of milk from the refrigerator. She placed it in the bottle warmer and turned it on.

  "You're home earlier than I expected," I commented.

  She glanced at me and nodded. "I figured I'd better be."

  "And why is that?"

  "Because Sarah has left."

  Now, I stared at her, not comprehending. "What do you mean, Sarah just packed and deserted us in the night?"

  To my surprise, Kelli just shrugged.

  "Kelli, that doesn’t sound like Sarah. You don’t know anything else?" I glanced down at Ethan, and then at Kelli, trying to read her. What the hell was she talking about?

  She shrugged again. "All I know is that she called me very early this morning, which is the reason I came home earlier than I planned. She told me that she was growing too attached to Ethan and thought it would be best if she left."

  I frowned. "Growing too close to Ethan? That doesn't make any sense. From what I could tell, she's been close to him for well, forever, since he was born. Isn’t that what a nanny is supposed to do? What the hell?"

  "What do you want me to tell you, Joel? That's what she told me. I wasn't about to give her a third-degree treatment, even though she didn't give advance notice." She sighed. "Don't worry about it. I'll get another nanny."

  Another nanny? I shook my head. "Forget it. I don't want another nanny. We don't need another nanny." I was so shocked, I was angry at first, and then I realized. This was my fault. I knew that Sarah had quit because she felt so guilty about us having slept together. This wasn't her fault. This was all on me. No way could I blame her after I put her in such an impossible position. Because I'd been selfish. Because I'd let my dick outweigh my common sense. What did I think was going to happen? I’d come on to her. This was my fault.

  Ethan started to fuss, uttering soft, mewling cries that grew louder by the second. As if he too were protesting that Sarah had left.

  "We need another nanny, Joel," Kelli exclaimed, glancing at Ethan with a frown. "Can't you get him to stop crying?"

  I stared at her in amazement. "Me?" I extended the baby to her. "You take him. Maybe he wants a woman's arms around him. I'm sure he'll settle down once you start feeding him."

  She reluctantly took Ethan into her arms. The bottle warmed, she attempted to feed him, but he just cried louder. She tried jostling him, rocking him back and forth like Sarah had done endless times before, but it didn't help.

  "I think you're holding him a little bit too snugly," I said. The look she gave me was nothing short of pissed. She shoved the bottle in my direction, then stepped closer, extending her arm with Ethan in it toward me. I couldn't do anything except take him.

  "You're the bloody expert, you take him!”

  I did, making soft, soothing sounds as I took Ethan into my office and softly closed the door. I sat in the chair behind my desk, rocking him as I gently enticed him with some milk, sliding the nipple over his lips. Finally, looking up at me, eyes glazed with tears, he latched onto the nipple then grasped my hand, holding the bottle with the other. I smiled down at him, although inside, there was a hollowness I’d never experienced before.

  Sarah was gone.

  I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, coupled with an even stronger sense of disappointment. Not that I minded being responsible for taking care of my own son. That I could deal with. What I couldn't fathom was Sarah leaving, ostensibly in the middle of the night. That was not like her, not one bit. Had she felt such shame from our sleeping together that she couldn't face me? Couldn't face one more day with Ethan?

  "It just doesn't make sense, does it?" I asked Ethan. With the bottle drained, I gently plucked it from his hands then lifted him to my shoulder, softly rubbing and patting his back. He rewarded my efforts with a soft belch that smelled of baby formula. I chuckled, rocking him until he turned his head, nose nestled into the crook of my neck, his breath tickling the skin there as he fell fast asleep.

  Slowly, I rose from my chair, opened the door, and took Ethan to the nursery. I carefully laid him in the crib, covered him, and then turned to look at the room. Everything I looked at reminded me of Sarah — the rocker, the baby bag. A strange emptiness grew inside me. She’d left no note, no nothing?

  I heard Kelli moving around in the master bedroom, but instead of heading there, I stepped toward Sarah's room. I opened the door and looked inside, not sure what I was expecting. One glance at the now empty closet, the suitcase she’d brought with her also gone, and it became real. She’d left. Without a word.

  She was gone, and it was all my fault. I had lost her for good. Which left me where? To come to terms with Kelli? Had Sarah's presence and her calm demeanor and confidence swayed my opinion of Kelli? Had I been wrong in comparing the two? Had I been too harsh and judgmental regarding Kelli's inability to bond with Ethan?

  I left the nursery and walked down the hallway to the master bedroom. Kelli stood in front of the closet mirror in her bra and underwear, her clothes puddled around her feet.

  "What are you doing?"

  She glanced at me over her shoulder as if it was a stupid question. "I'm getting ready to take a shower. Why?"

  "Kelli, aren't you the least bit concerned? Didn't Sarah say anything else about why she would have left? I know she's terribly fond of Ethan. I just don't understand. What exactly did she tell you?"

  She turned away from me and shrugged as she reached for a hangar with a sundress still wrapped in its plastic dry-cleaning bag. "I already told you. She called me this morning—"

  "What time this morning?" I interrupted.

  Again, she glanced over her shoulder, her frown more apparent. "What difference does it make?"

  "Please, Kelli, just answer my questions."

  "Fine, it was about six o'clock."

  "And what exactly did she say?" I heard the dismay in my voice but was beyond caring what Kelli thought.

  "All she said was that she was growing too fond of Ethan and she felt it would be best if she left."

  "But where did she go?"

  Finally, Kelli turned around, hands on her hips. "I don't know. Does it matter?"

  "But where did you hire her? How did you hire her? She's got to have an address of some sort, doesn't she? Where does she live when she's not a live-in nanny?"

  Kelli frowned and then turned away, tugging at the plastic over the dress, ripping it from the hangar until it joined her discarded clothes on the floor. "It doesn't matter, Joel, don't you understand? I'm not going to beg her to return, and to be quite honest, I don't know where she lives. I hired her through… I found her ad on Craigslist, all right?"

  "You found a nanny for our son on Craigslist?" I asked, my head snapping back, stunned that she would do such a thing.

  She spun toward me, her face flushed with emotion. "Look, Joel, I didn't have many options. I needed someone to take care of Ethan, and I needed someone fast. I interviewed her, found her pleasant and experienced, and that was all there was to it. I didn't ask where she lived, figured it was none of my business. She was a live-in nanny, so it didn't really matter."

  "But Kelli—"

  "Enough!" she snapped. "If she wants to leave, she can leave. We don't need her. We can get another nanny—"

  "That's not the point," I argued. "Ethan is comfortable with her. Imagine how upsetting it will be to acclimate him to another nanny, plus the fact that I think, working together, we can do this by ourselves. We don't need a nanny—"

  She turned and disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. I stared at the closed door for several moments, sighed, and wondered what the hell I was going to do. This morning I had been prepared to tell Kelli that we were through.
Now? I wasn't quite so sure.

  I returned to my office, leaving the door halfway open in case Ethan woke. With Kelli in the shower, knowing her history of being in there for at least an hour, I knew that if Ethan fussed, I would be the one taking care of him. I didn’t mind, but this new wrench in my workday plans left me in a bind. I needed to be at the office, especially now, but I didn't exactly trust leaving Ethan with Kelli either. And a new nanny? That option wasn't any better as far as I was concerned.

  I wanted Sarah. In more ways than one.

  Seventeen

  Sarah

  Even in the pool of blackness in which I swam, I felt the pounding in my skull. My face felt funny… I wanted to scratch my nose, but my brain wouldn’t focus.

  My first clear thought was that I needed to get up and check on Ethan, but I was stiff and achy all over. Nothing like falling asleep in a rocking chair.

  As I struggled to open my eyes, I was surprised that my eyelids were so heavy. My mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton, my lips cracked and dry. I must've really been tired.

  I registered in my fuzzy brain that my arms seemed like they'd been weighted down by bricks. I tried to move. I couldn't.

  What was wrong with me?

  It took supreme effort to force my eyes open, and I blinked several times, confusion roiling as I felt something brush against my eyelids. I tried again and my stomach lurched when I realized that something was covering my eyes. I could see light through it, as it looked gauzy like a bandage. Not enough to completely obscure my view but enough to make everything look very fuzzy.

  With another extreme effort, I lifted my head from my chest but it rolled toward my shoulder. I couldn't control my movements. My brain wanted to but my body wouldn't cooperate. I felt woozy, as if I was going to throw up. Then I realized why I couldn't move my arms, and why I couldn't even lick my lips to moisten them. Panic surged through me and my heartbeat accelerated to an alarming level, my breath cutting through my lungs.