Still Pitching: A Memoir
Michael Steinberg
for Carole.
with love and admiration
Contents
Prologue
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
Epilogue
Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose, unless it is to have it assumed that I once pitched baseball with distinction.
—Robert Frost, in a letter to a fellow poet
There is nothing greater for a human being than to get his body to react to all the things one does on a ball field. It’s as good as sex; it’s as good as music. It fills you up.
—John “Buck” O’Neil, Kansas City Monarchs
[Baseball is] America’s game; it has the snap, go, fling of the American atmosphere; it belongs as much to our institutions, fits into them as significantly as our Constitution laws; [it’s] just as important in the sum total of our historical life.
—Walt Whitman
Prologue
1950. An overcast Sunday morning in early June. I’m ten years old and I’m standing in our driveway on Beach 132nd Street in Belle Harbor: Our two-story, slate grey, wood frame house sits between Jamaica Bay, only a hundred yards to the west, and the Atlantic Ocean, four blocks to the east. Most of the other homes are brick two-stories, like the Ellerstein’s next door, or split-level ranch houses, like Frieda Bergman’s and the Sloan’s across the street. In years to come, these houses would be the backdrop for the marathon stoop ball games my younger brother Alan and I would, play all summer long.
On this particular morning, my grandmother Tessie, a rotund, stern woman, has just finished serving breakfast. My grandfather Hymie has already left to open up the pharmacy. This being Sunday, my mother is typically still asleep.
Out in the driveway, I’m playing catch with my dad. I’m dressed in an oversized New York Giant baseball suit, a uniform I will soon renounce. My father is wearing his own Sunday softball uniform: royal blue tapered cotton pants with white trim down the sides and silver snaps on the bottom. His middle-aged paunch bulges slightly beneath a gold and navy nylon jersey with “Jerry’s Esso” scripted across his broad chest. A sky blue cap crowned with a white J covers his bald spot. He looks a lot more imposing than the father I know who dresses in a suit and goes out on the road to sell table linens.
As we toss a grass-stained baseball back and forth, I watch our neighbors pass by. They’re heading to early Mass at St. Francis de Sales. The men and boys are wearing dark suits and ties, the women and girls have on tasteful, conservative, long dresses—their Sunday uniforms. I’m feeling smug now that Hebrew School is out for the summer. While Frankie Carney and Billy Creelman are sitting through boring church services, in a few minutes I’ll be headed for Riis Park to watch my dad’s team play its customary Sunday doubleheader.
A half hour later I’m on the home team’s bench at the Riis Park men’s softball field. As the guys on the team slowly gather, in the distance I see families in terry cloth robes and bathing suits eating hot dogs and cotton candy as they stroll the raised boardwalk that runs parallel to the expansive, sandy public beach.
My father’s teammates are warming up for the first game. Most are in their late thirties and early forties, and they’re all wearing uniforms like my dad’s. Playing catch and pepper, laughing and kidding around, they look to me like the major leaguers I see on TV. They’re so easy and intimate with one another—like they all belong to an exclusive club—a club I ache to belong to.
Just before the first game begins, my heart’s racing with anticipation. This week it’s my turn to be batboy. Last Sunday, Smitty Shumacher’s son, Eddie—a pudgy kid with perpetual smudges of dirt on his knees—sullenly performed that chore. To Eddie this is an annoying obligation. But not to me; when I hand a pine tarred Louisville Slugger to my dad, or to Lefty Benton, our stocky, blond first baseman, I feel all tingly inside. And when I watch Smitty glide into the hole between shortstop and third base, smoothly backhand a grounder, straighten up and plant his spikes in the dirt, then rifle the ball to Lefty at first base, I’m overcome by a catch-in-the-throat sensation that rivets my rubber spikes to the ground.
This is the seed of a dream, the beginning of a passionate obsession with baseball that would dominate my childhood and adolescent years and that—for better or worse—would inform many of the choices and decisions that ultimately shaped my adult self.
1
I came to love baseball in a roundabout way. Until age nine, I had an active distaste for the sport. And for good reason. In grade school pickup games, the neighborhood clique of guys—Louie Mandel, Freddy Klein, Allen Nathanson, and Frank Pearlman—and the top athletes—Rob Brownstein and Ronnie Zeidner—always chose each other first. I was one of the last to be picked. When I did get to play, I batted last and got shuffled out to right field, as far away from the action as possible. I also recall being ridiculed by the clique for “throwing like a girl” and for swinging the bat “like a rusty gate.” I was so afraid of making a mistake that I’d stand out in right field praying that the ball wouldn’t be hit to me.
I was so ashamed of my incompetence that for years I refused my father’s offers to play catch in the backyard and his invitations to watch the Sunday softball games at Riis Park. He didn’t let on to me how disappointed he was. But I found out one day when I overheard him talking to my mother.
“It’s unnatural, Stell,” he said. “I don’t want him to grow up to be a sissy.”
“Don’t push him Jack,” my mother said. “He’ll come around when he’s good and ready.”
It was an off-handed remark, but a perceptive one. No one understood me or my idiosyncrasies better than my mother did. She knew exactly how I operated. Perhaps, it’s because for the first nine years of my life, I spent more time at home with her than I did with my father.
For as long as I could remember, my mother, an ex-pre-school teacher, was a voracious reader. I recall that a lot of books, newspapers, and magazines—like Reader’s Digest condensed editions, dictionaries and encyclopedias, Sunday Times, Life, Colliers, Harper’s, New Yorker, and Saturday Evening Post—were always strewn around all over our kitchen table and living room floor.
According to her I was an avid reader and a bright, curious kid. Maybe that’s how I seemed at home. But in school I was shy, scared, and withdrawn.
My aversion to school began in kindergarten, when Mrs. Buckley, our blue-haired teacher, singled me out because my finger paintings didn’t look anything like the models she’d posted on the blackboard. From then on, I felt light-headed and nauseated every time we had to paint or draw. One time, she tacked my drawing up on the wall. I knew she’d be using it as an example of how not to draw. I felt a deep, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. So before she could say anything, I threw up all over the floor. After that everything became a blur. All I recall is my cousin Doris escorting me out of class and walking me home. I was so embarrassed by my behavior that at dinner I begged my mother not to send me back to school the next day.
My mother and Mrs. Buckley met a few days later. I don’t know what transpired, but when my mother came home she told me I didn’t have to go back to kindergarten that year. As soon as my father found out, he as much as ordered her to send me right back to school.
My mother stood her ground, and as it turned out, I didn’t attend kindergarten. But all year I felt ambivalent and guilty that I hadn’t “toughed it out,” like my father said I
should have. I don’t remember much else about that year except that until summer recess I went out of my way to avoid facing the neighborhood kids who were in my kindergarten class.
It was with much apprehension, then, that I started first grade. Every morning before I left for school I felt so sick to my stomach that I couldn’t eat breakfast. It took a week or two to get over my fear of what I imagined the other kids might be saying about me. After that, I began to enjoy first grade. I even recall winning a class spelling bee and receiving a “word wizard” button from Junior Scholastic magazine.
Then it happened again. When Mrs. Krisberg was teaching us how to hold a pen, I got nervous and began to panic. After that my penmanship was so bad that at parent-teacher night Mrs. Krisberg told my mother that I had a motor skills deficiency.
Once more, over my father’s objections, my mother pulled me out of school. I couldn’t face the prospect of being at home again while the other kids were in class. I whined and pleaded, but it didn’t matter. My mother was determined to see that the school system wasn’t going to get away with miseducating her son.
She did, however, propose a compromise. She would work with me at home until the mid-year break—after which, I could go back to school. I wasn’t happy about it, but at age six what were my options? That fall, we did my school lessons every day at the kitchen table—the same reading, writing, arithmetic, arts and crafts, and drawing assignments that everyone else was doing in class. When I tried to play with the other kids my age, they taunted me and called me names like “momma’s boy” and “retard.” So I withdrew deeper into myself. That’s when I discovered my first real passions: reading and writing.
It was my mother who introduced me to books. Every night, before sleep, she would read to me from her collection of children’s stories. At first, she read me the usual fairy tales and kid’s books: Uncle Remus, Hans Christian Anderson, Grimm’s, Winnie the Pooh. Most of these blur in my memory, though I vividly recall being enthralled by outcasts like Cinderella, Jack from Jack in the Beanstalk, and Pinocchio. It wasn’t just their misfortunes that attracted me. I admired their resilience, their determination to overcome all obstacles. The seven-year-old “schlepper” that I was, I wanted to prove to all the kids in school that I could be as persistent as those characters and as tenacious as the Little Engine That Could.
What I remember best, though, is what it felt like to read: the exhilaration of discovering kindred spirits—authors and characters alike; the thrill of finding secret joys and hopes that I shared with fictional beings; the colorful pictures I could conjure up in my imagination; and the sense of being fully absorbed in the moment—suspended in time and space. I can remember times when I would start a book in the afternoon, and I would be shocked to find when I picked my head up that it was dark outside and that I’d forgotten to turn on the lights or take my afternoon nap.
At home I read wherever I could find a spot to hide out—in the bathroom, my bedroom, the basement. I was intoxicated by language and stories. When I didn’t understand something, I loved looking it up in the dictionary or the encyclopedia. Often I was lonely and sad for days after I finished a book. It felt as if I’d lost one of my closest friends. On the other hand, it was so satisfying to struggle through a story until I reached the end. It soon became a matter of pride to finish everything I read, no matter whether I loved or hated the characters or plot. Over time, the compulsion to finish anything I started would become a habit that would carry me into adulthood.
As I got a little older, specific books and characters—like the Hardy Boys and Chip Hilton, Speed Morris, and Soapy Smith—the star athletes in Clair Bee’s Chip Hilton series—felt more real to me than the neighborhood kids I knew. In fact, it was those Chip Hilton books that first made me aware of just how much attention and recognition you could get from being an accomplished athlete.
I loved the books themselves—their feel, their smells, their textures. While my mother shopped for groceries and clothing on 116th Street, I haunted the Rockaway Beach Public Library, eagerly pulling books down from the shelves and sitting cross-legged on the wooden floor, inhaling the musty aromas and running my fingers over the grainy textures of those volumes. When I’d crack the binding and bend the book open, my heart started racing and my hands trembled with anticipation.
While I was out of first grade, I also began to write. I’d scribble notes in the margins of books, or I’d write in a hand-sized spiral bound notebook I kept in my pants pocket. Sometimes, I’d pretend I was the author and rewrite the story. Or if I wasn’t satisfied with a character’s decisions, I’d write what I would have done in the same situation. When I didn’t like the way a certain book began or ended, I’d make up my own beginning or ending. If a story seemed too predictable or boring, I’d change it. If I felt an affinity for a certain character, I’d pretend that he or she was my friend and I’d write that character a letter. Once in a while something I wrote would stop me in my tracks. Other times I’d be thinking about one thing and an unbidden thought or idea would appear on the page.
I liked writing for many of the same reasons that I loved to read. Once I got going, I could write for hours without thinking about anything else. I loved the sensation of feeling both transported and in control. I never felt inadequate or self-conscious when I was writing. I could imagine anything I wanted to, make myself into anyone I wanted to be. I also liked the challenge of finding the exact language to express some of the doubts and fears I couldn’t reveal to anyone else. And if I couldn’t think of the right word, I’d look it up in the dictionary or in my mother’s thesaurus.
I was just beginning to enjoy my involuntary furlough from school when my mother announced that it was time for me to go back. For the first few weeks I was self-conscious and tentative—so afraid the kids would start taunting me again. But once I got used to being back in school, I remember feeling disappointed that the reading and writing we did in class did not provoke nearly as many supercharged moments as those I’d experienced alone at home.
In those early years of school, I didn’t get to spend much time with my father. For much of his adult life, Abraham Jacob “Jack” Steinberg was a traveling salesman. He worked for a Manhattan table linen manufacturer when I was a kid. His territory was Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, and Indiana.
My father disliked being away for such long stretches, but he was a lot happier on the road, where he could be his own man, than he was in the home office. Whenever he took me with him to Manhattan, he’d balk at doing the routine paperwork they gave him. And it irritated him when he’d have to take orders from his bosses, some of whom were younger and less experienced than he was. But he put up with it because, like so many Jews of his generation, he believed it was his responsibility to work hard and provide for his family. This was the ethic he lived by until the day he died in 1989.
I admired my father’s persistence, but I felt sorry for him because he never got the chance to follow his dreams. As a kid I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I knew I craved a more romantic existence than the unremarkable life my father and mother led.
My father knew this about me, and he was always urging me to get my head out of the clouds. At the same time, he never stopped encouraging me to better myself. His standard lecture was about missed opportunities. He made it clear that he wanted me, his firstborn son, to go to college and get an education—as well as to seek out and do whatever it was that would make me happy.
“If you settle for anything less, you’ll always regret it,” he said.
While my father offered me this permission, he was never able to give it to himself. I learned how to follow my own dreams, not from his advice, but from my grandfather Hymie’s escapades.
In his prime, Hymie Frankel was a robust, gentle man. Almost six feet tall, he liked to wear grey cardigan sweaters and smoke pungent White Owl stogies. By his late forties his hair was already thinning, and his shoulders were rounded from bending over the prescript
ion counter at the pharmacy. Yet my grandfather had an aura about him, a tangible presence that attracted women and men alike.
As a young boy I was enamored of him. My mother claimed that Hymie fawned all over me, the family’s firstborn son. Allegedly, he took me for rides on Sundays in his beat-up old DeSoto, just so he could parade me in front of all the uncles, aunts, and cousins. And, as the story goes, he flashed my baby pictures to the regulars at the pharmacy every chance he could.
But my most vivid memories of him don’t involve Sunday car rides. By the time I was nine Hymie and his buddies were smuggling me into the harness racing tracks at Roosevelt and Yonkers. The first time he took me to the races he said, “Don’t tell your mother or Grandma Tessie. If you do, Mikey, we’ll never hear the end of it.”
That was the start of our conspiracy.
Whenever he planned to take me to the harness races, he’d tell my mother we were going to the movies. She knew Hymie wasn’t playing it straight with her, but what could she do? He’d been taking her to the track since she was a young girl. Besides she also knew that the serious betting action was at “the flats,” Belmont Park and Aqueduct (“The Big A”).
“Swear to me Hymie that you’ll never take him there,” I once heard her urge him. And, despite my pleading, he honored that request. He didn’t take me to Belmont until I graduated from high school.
The family mythology only added to Hymie’s aura. According to my mother, in the Roaring Twenties my grandfather owned two Manhattan pharmacies near the Ziegfield Theater. And she liked to boast that Al Jolson, Jimmy Durante, Georgie Jessel, and Burns and Allen hung out at Hymie’s stores before and after their shows. She also claimed that he loaned Jessel some big money when the future star was just getting started.
Still Pitching Page 1