by Jean Merrill
Miriam Portlette was studying shorthand in hopes of getting a better office job than the one she had. It was Miriam’s ambition to have an office job with daytime hours so that she would not miss the evening television shows.
On the night that The Three met in Louie Livergreen’s office, Miriam Portlette’s shorthand assignment for the week was to take shorthand notes of a meeting. This assignment was a problem for Miriam. As she worked nights, she did not get to attend many meetings.
So when Miriam realized that some men were holding a meeting in the office next to the one that she was cleaning, she sat down on her mop bucket in the hall outside Louie Livergreen’s office, and took down the whole meeting in shorthand notes on the backs of some order blanks that she had found in a wastebasket. The original copy of Miriam’s notes (now known as “The Portlette Papers”) is in the Rare Documents collection of the New York Public Library. A translation of the notes, by Miriam’s shorthand teacher, reads as follows:
Shorthand notes of a meeting
by Miriam Portlette
Adult-Education Class 2-G
Seward Park High School
Dear Mr. Czerwinski [1]: Four men [2] are meeting together. Their names are Mr. Bigmo, Mr. Walter, Mr. Tiger, and Mr. Louie. I could not take shorthand notes of the very beginning of this meeting, as I had to look for some paper to make notes on. But the men were talking at first about ladies’ hats and a movie star, and I do not think this was an important part of the meeting.
I think that the important part began when Mr. Louie said, “Let’s get down to business.” And, by then I had found some paper and a pencil.
THE MEETING
Mr. Louie: Let’s get down to business. You called the meeting, Bigmo. What is the meeting about?
Mr. Bigmo: It is about Maxie Hammerman. I don’t care what the Police Commissioner says. There is obviously a pushcart experiment. [3]
Mr. Walter: It is logical. The pushcarts have the best reason to be fighting the trucks of anyone in the city. The Police Commissioner does not know that. But we do.
Mr. Bigmo: So we have got to expose the experiment. [4]
Mr. Louie: Why expose? Expose, and it may be exposed that the trucks started it all by hitting the pushcarts.
Mr. Bigmo: So what do you suggest, Louie?
Mr. Louie: Do we have a Master Plan—or do we not? I do not want to waste any more time on the pushcarts.
Mr. Bigmo: Certainly, we have a Master Plan. We are all in favor of the LEMA Master Plan. But to get rid of the pushcarts is the first part of the Master Plan. Until we get rid of the pushcarts, we cannot get the trucks on the streets to carry out the second part of the Master Plan.
Mr. Louie: The pushcarts are easy. Maxie Hammerman, it is clear, is the brains behind the pushcart experiment. [5] Get rid of Maxie Hammerman, and the rest of the peddlers will give up. I know pushcart peddlers. No fight. Would a man be in a small business like the pushcart business if he had any fighting spirit?
Mr. Tiger: Some people like a small business. They say you know the customers.
Mr. Louie: Customers! Who wants to know the customers? It is because they do not have the guts for a big business. And I guarantee—the pushcart peddlers would not be fighting without a very strong leader.
Mr. Bigmo: So we must get rid of Maxie Hammerman. As Louie says. But how?
Mr. Louie: We will kidnap him. Then we have a choice.
Mr. Bigmo: A choice?
Mr. Louie: A choice of how to get rid of him. We can torture him until he feels like giving the Police Commissioner a full confession that is guaranteed to get every pushcart peddler in the city locked up. Or, if he does not want to confess, he could just disappear, and we will knock off the rest of the pushcarts one by one.
Mr. Tiger: Do we have to kill off all the pushcarts? It is, after all, the cars and the taxis and the buses that are in our way. As you said, Louie, why waste time on the pushcarts?
Mr. Louie: We have to make an example of the pushcarts.
Mr. Tiger: An example?
Mr. Louie: Example, for example, for the cars and taxis. Example, for example, of what happens if a vehicle does not get out of the way of a truck. When we start on the cars, it is going to be tougher. The trucks are bigger, but there are four million cars in the city. And it will be very useful when we start on the cars, if all over the city people are whispering, “Remember what happened to the pushcarts?”
Mr. Bigmo: You understand, Tiger?
Mr. Louie: If we are going after four million cars, it is necessary that the cars should be scared when we start to hit them. They are a little bit afraid now. But not so afraid that they would give up without fighting.
Mr. Walter: To tell the truth, I am not so crazy about going after the cars.
Mr. Bigmo: But that is the idea of the Master Plan.
Mr. Louie: You have got to think ahead, Walter. There is not enough room for everybody in the streets. Why should people drive around the city for pleasure when they could take a bus? Get rid of the cars, and I can put two hundred Leaping Lemas on the streets. Get rid of the cars, and Big Moe can operate fifty more Mighty Mammoths and I don’t know how many more Mama Mammoths and Baby Mammoths. And Tiger Trucking can put on the streets double the number of Ten-Ton Tigers you are now operating.
Mr. Tiger: Frankly, I got enough trucks now. It is just that traffic is so bad.
Mr. Bigmo: But that is the point, Tiger. Traffic is so bad that everybody will be wanting to get rid of the trucks if we do not get rid of them first.
Mr. Louie: You see, Walter, the Master Plan is in self-defense. We got no choice.
Mr. Walter: I suppose you are right, Louie. So the plan is we finish the pushcarts. Then the cars.
Mr. Bigmo: Then the taxis.
Mr. Louie: Then the small trucks.
Mr. Tiger: Trucks! But we are fighting to make the streets safe for the trucks.
Mr. Louie: For big trucks. Small trucks are as much nuisance as cars and taxis. They are not efficient. One Leaping Lema can take the place of five small trucks. A small truck is as bad as a pushcart.
Mr. Bigmo: Louie is right, Walter. Don’t cry over small trucks.
Mr. Walter: But we have not told the truck drivers that small trucks are a part of the Master Plan. Half the trucks in the city are small trucks. A lot of truckers will not go along with the fight if it is going to be their funeral in the end.
Mr. Bigmo: So who’s telling them? Listen, Walter the Tiger, the three of us have been friends for a long time. But if you do not stop talking like a small businessman, I am going to say that two heads are better than three.
Mr. Louie: We all agreed to the Master Plan a long time ago. Before the secret meeting in Moe Mammoth’s garage.
Mr. Tiger: But when you told us the plan, Louie, you did not mention the small trucks.
Mr. Louie: It occurred to me later. Anyway we do not get to the small trucks until we take care of the cars and the taxis. And we cannot take care of them until we take care of Maxie Hammerman.
Mr. Walter: Who is going to kidnap Maxie?
Mr. Bigmo: We could each send half-a-dozen drivers.
Mr. Louie: No. The fewer people who know what has happened to Maxie Hammerman, the better. We will go ourselves.
Mr. Tiger: Just the three of us?
Mr. Bigmo: Three is not enough to take one man who is not expecting to be kidnapped?
Mr. Walter: When will we do it?
Mr. Louie: I am free next Friday night.
Mr. Bigmo: But that is the night we play cards with the Mayor.
Mr. Louie: Tell the Mayor we will have a late game.
Mr. Bigmo: All right. Now how shall we handle Maxie?
Mr. Louie: You want a Leaping Lema for the job?
Mr. Bigmo: No, Louie. We do not need a truck for a little trip like this. We will take my bulletproof Italian car.
The notes are signed:
Yours truly,
Miriam Portlette
P.S. (an
explanation to her teacher): I did not stay to the end of the meeting as I had three more offices to mop, but I think it was almost over. M. Portlette
As far as Miriam Portlette was concerned, the meeting in Louie Livergreen’s office was just a meeting. She did not know anything about the trucking business or the pushcart business. Nor had she heard that there was a war going on, because she did not read the newspapers and always missed the evening news on television, as she worked late.
Miriam simply copied down what The Three said at the meeting and turned in her notes to the teacher of her adult-education class. She had no idea that she had been present at a historic occasion.
The teacher of Miriam’s adult-education class, however, did read the newspapers. And he listened to every news program on television.
In addition, Miriam’s teacher lived next door to Eddie Moroney and went bowling with Eddie every Tuesday night. As a result, he was well informed about all the trouble that the pushcarts had been having with the trucks.
So when Miriam handed in her shorthand notes to be corrected, her teacher realized at once that they were important. He apparently copied them off—or at least those parts he could read—and he gave this copy of the notes to Eddie Moroney. Eddie, in turn, passed on the notes to Maxie Hammerman, and the notes undoubtedly saved Maxie’s life.
1. Miriam Portlette’s shorthand teacher.
2. It is clear from Miss Portlette’s mention a few words later of a Mr. Walter and a Mr. Tiger that there were only three men (The Three) at the meeting. The fact that Big Moe called Walter Sweet “Tiger,” while Louie Livergreen called him “Walter” gave Miriam the impression that there were four men in the office.
3. “Pushcart experiment” is probably a mistake in the notes. Undoubtedly, Big Moe said “pushcart conspiracy.” One must remember that Miriam Portlette had never taken shorthand notes before, and also that she was seated in the hall outside Louie Livergreen’s office.
4. See note above.
5. See note above.
CHAPTER XXV
The Three-Against-One Gamble & The Capture of the Bulletproof Italian Car
Maxie Hammerman’s handling of the plot to kidnap him was one of the more brilliant strategies of the Pushcart War. Eddie Moroney could not see the sense of it at first.
When Eddie gave Maxie Miriam Portlette’s shorthand notes of the meeting of The Three, Eddie suggested that Maxie give them to a newspaper reporter.
“If the LEMA Master Plan is published in a newspaper,” Eddie said, “then everyone will see what is happening.”
Maxie laughed. “Who would believe it, Eddie? That three men have a plan to kill all the cars and taxis in New York City? Nobody wants to believe such a terrible thing. The Three would deny it, and the only thing that would happen is that I would disappear that much sooner.”
“Maybe you are right,” Eddie said. “But in any case you are not going to disappear next Friday night. Since we know about that part of the Master Plan, you can be a long way from the shop next Friday night.”
“Certainly not,” said Maxie.
“You do not believe the Master Plan yourself?” Eddie asked.
“Believe me, I believe it,” said Maxie. “But this is what I believe also. I believe that the only way to win a war is to be on hand for the battle wherever it is going to be.”
“On hand?” said Eddie.
“On hand in my shop,” said Maxie, “when Big Moe in his bulletproof Italian car comes looking for me.”
“Oh,” said Eddie. “Well, if that is the idea, a number of people will be on hand. When The Three come looking for you on Friday night, there will be Harry the Hot Dog and Morris the Florist and Carlos and one or two others in the backroom of your shop to greet them.”
“No,” said Maxie. “I will greet them by myself.”
“But that will be a three-against-one fight,” said Eddie.
“I am gambling,” said Maxie, “that one head is sometimes better than three.”
“Gambling is fine,” said Eddie Moroney. “But we cannot afford to lose your head. Therefore I am coming on Friday night to watch you gamble. In case something should happen. Some little emergency.”
“All right,” said Maxie. “That would be a comfort to me. Especially as you have worked with a circus and can, no doubt, handle lions and tigers in an emergency.”
“I only lettered the posters for the circus,” said Eddie Moroney.
“Never mind,” said Maxie. “That takes more brains.”
“All the same,” said Eddie Moroney, “I would just as soon we had one or two men besides myself on Friday night.”
“I appreciate the advice,” said Maxie. “However, for the time being, I do not want you to tell the other pushcart peddlers about the shorthand notes of Miriam Portlette. My only question is, can you play poker?”
Eddie said that he could.
“Good,” said Maxie. “Come to my shop at seven o’clock on Friday night and bring a new deck of playing cards.” That was all Maxie would tell Eddie Moroney about his plans.
Maxie then called the Police Commissioner. As he had parted from the Police Commissioner on friendly terms, Maxie suggested that the Commissioner drop around to his shop on Friday night for a friendly game of poker.
“I only play for money,” said the Police Commissioner.
“I like to gamble myself,” said Maxie Hammerman.
The Police Commissioner agreed to come then, especially as there were a few more questions he wanted to ask Maxie about Frank the Flower.
“To tell the truth, I have not had too much experience with crackpots,” said the Police Commissioner, “but it does not seem to me that Frank is a hopeless case.”
“Probably not,” said Maxie. “And I will answer any questions I can.”
So on Friday night, the evening The Three had set to kidnap Maxie Hammerman, Maxie was sitting down in the back room of his shop with his friend Eddie Moroney and the Police Commissioner for a friendly game of poker. The Police Commissioner had just drawn four aces when the door to the back room opened and in walked Big Moe and The Tiger and Louie Livergreen, all with their hands in their right overcoat pockets, from which Eddie Moroney guessed that they all carried guns.
The Three were so surprised to see the Police Commissioner that they could not decide whether to take their hands out of their pockets or not. The Police Commissioner, who never bothered with polite conversation with anyone who had a hand in his right overcoat pocket, jumped to his feet and pulled his own gun.
However, before the Police Commissioner could shoot, Maxie stepped in front of him and said, “Hello, Moe. Hello, Louie. Hello, Walter the Tiger. I have been expecting you.”
As The Three had never set eyes on Maxie Hammerman in person before, and as he—to their knowledge—had never set eyes on them, Maxie’s calling them by their first names scared even Louie Livergreen. And when Maxie held out his hand, Louie could not do anything but take his hand out of his pocket and shake Maxie’s hand.
“Meet my friend the Police Commissioner,” Maxie said. “Commissioner, these are my good friends who have just dropped in to play a little poker with us.”
“Moe Mammoth is a friend of yours?” said the Police Commissioner. The Commissioner was still annoyed about Big Moe’s calling him a big dope to the newspapers.
“A poker-playing friend,” said Maxie. “We have differences of opinion, but we get together for a friendly game of poker.
“As you perhaps know,” Maxie explained to the Police Commissioner, “Big Moe and The Tiger and Mr. Livergreen usually play a friendly game of cards with Mayor Emmett P. Cudd on Friday night. So we should be honored that they have come to play at my shop instead.”
And before The Three knew what was happening, Eddie Moroney was politely helping them off with their overcoats which he hung up on the wall nearest Maxie Hammerman. The Police Commissioner started to put his gun back in his holster but, on second thought, laid it on the table beside him.
“There is just one little matter of business before we start our game,” Maxie said as he shuffled the cards.
The Three exchanged nervous looks.
“What business is that?” Big Moe asked.
“Did you bring the bulletproof Italian car?” asked Maxie Hammerman.
At the mention of a bulletproof Italian car, the Police Commissioner put his hand on his gun.
“It is nothing to worry about,” Maxie assured the Police Commissioner. “It is just that Big Moe has agreed to sell me his bulletproof Italian car, as he has no further need of it. Whereas, a man in my position cannot be too careful.
“You have the car outside?” Maxie asked.
“It’s in front of the shop,” Big Moe said warily.
“Good,” said Maxie Hammerman. “Maybe I should have my friend the Police Commissioner fire one or two shots into the side to test whether it is really bulletproof. However, I trust you.”
Maxie took a check from his pocket and laid it on the table. “I have here a check for $14.50 made out to Mr. Moe Mammoth for one bulletproof Italian car. Is that correct?”
“Big Moe is selling you a bulletproof car for $14.50?” said the Police Commissioner suspiciously.
“It’s secondhand,” said Maxie. “And we are friends.” He passed the check across the table to Big Moe.
Big Moe looked at Louie Livergreen to see what he should do, but Louie was watching the Police Commissioner tapping the handle of his gun and offered no advice.
“Take it,” whispered The Tiger.
So Big Moe picked up the check.
“If you will just give me a receipt,” said Maxie Hammerman, “saying ‘paid in full for one bulletproof Italian car, secondhand,’ we can get on with the card game.”
Eddie Moroney gave Big Moe a pen, and Big Moe wrote out the receipt.
“I hope everybody has had a good week’s business,” said Maxie, as he dealt the cards, “and can afford to make a few sporting bets, as I promised my friend the Police Commissioner a good game.”