Honesty. Yes, she certainly owed him at least that. A part of her knew that there was probably no one on the face of the earth who could better deal with this than he. But there was also the tangled history between them, and a much larger part of her hated to put such a visual reminder of it between them, hated to force their past into their present.
She wasted a few seconds trying to convince herself that maybe this was a barrier better not crossed after all. That despite her needs and wants, it was better to back off now than to chance the irreparable damage she might do to the relationship they had managed to forge.
There was a message to transmit, though, lives on the line, a mission to complete. Followed by endless other missions that would take Jarrett away from her for good.
She knew that wherever this would take them, the only relationship she would ever have with him was going to be now, within these walls. And regardless of what they did or didn’t do, it would be over soon, no matter what.
Before she lost her nerve, she told him the truth. “I have scars,” she said, softly but clearly. “A lot of them.”
Rae had no idea what reaction she’d expected, but it certainly wasn’t the one she got. There was no pain, no recrimination, no repulsion. Not even pity or understanding.
Far from it.
He was smiling. Broadly. Flashing a whole mouthful of beautiful straight white teeth she couldn’t remember ever fully seeing before. The smile so thoroughly altered his face, she was sure she wasn’t looking at the same man.
“Scars?” he asked, incredulous. “Rae, you’ve seen every inch of me.” He paused, the sudden glitter in his eyes making her squirm against him, the action totally instinctive. “I have more scar tissue than pure skin. How could you worry about something like that? Do my scars bother you?” His tone made it clear he knew they didn’t.
Rae was speechless, as much from his words as from his smile. If she’d let herself imagine this moment—which she hadn’t—she would have thought the perfect reaction to her brave revelation would involve loving words, reassuring caresses, attention-diverting kisses. Not breath-stealing smiles and blasé dismissal. She should have been outraged at the apparent callousness of his response, or at the very least hurt. But she wasn’t.
It wasn’t at all what she’d thought she wanted, but she realized it was exactly what she needed. But then, that pretty much summed up everything about Jarrett McCullough. Why should this be any different?
“Jarrett, I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill scratches here. I’m not even talking about scars left from the occasional stray bullet.”
His smile didn’t fade, but when she shifted her focus from his mouth to his eyes, she couldn’t miss the understanding so clearly visible there. Maybe he knew more than she was giving him credit for.
“You want to compare?” he asked, his tone both teasing and serious.
Another shock rippled through her. McCullough, teasing?
“We can start with our feet,” he suggested, then actually winked at her. “And work our way up from there.”
This side of him was so unexpected, it dazzled her, distracting her from the turmoil still roiling inside her. She actually found herself smiling at his off-the-wall proposition. “If this is your standard seduction approach,” she said, “I’ve got to tell you, it needs work.”
He stroked his fingers down the side of her face, making her shiver. “I don’t have a standard approach. I like to think I’m more creative than that.”
“Well, it’s nice to know you put your predatory and strategic skills to personal as well as professional use.”
His smile slowly faded until only the corners of his mouth were turned up. “I’m not hunting you, Rae.”
Her own smile faltered under the distinctly predatory gleam in his eyes that belied his words.
“Do I make you feel that way?” He leaned down, until his lips brushed hers. “Because you sure aren’t acting like someone trying not to get caught.”
His kiss swallowed any answer she might have given. Not that she had a clue to what it would have been. He was right, anyway. And when he teased her lips open and took swift possession of her mouth, she had a hard enough time trying to remember what had made them stop this wonderful exploration in the first place.
The reminder came disappointingly quickly.
Jarrett spread his hand over her belly, then slid it up, not stopping his assault on her mouth when she stiffened. But he did reverse the direction of his hand. He just didn’t stop when he reached the waistband of her sweats.
Rae’s muscles remained tensed, but for entirely different reasons. Her brain was racing in a thousand directions, into a thousand pieces. She lifted up, pressing against the warm skin of his palm. He slid his hand farther and spread it until his fingers spanned her pelvis, just dipping into her dark curls. He pressed down, pinning her now rocking hips to the floor, and gradually relinquished control of her mouth.
When she could finally focus, she looked up into his eyes. Somehow, she managed to find her voice. “This is insane,” she said raggedly. “We’ve got to stop.”
“I know,” he agreed, his voice every bit as ragged. “Just like I know that I can shift my hand another two inches and make you forget every reason why that’s true.”
“Jarrett—”
“Shhh.” He dropped a hard kiss on her lips. She could hardly breathe, much less speak, when he finally lifted his head. “You’re right. We have to contact Zach. And we’re going to. Even if it kills me.” He pressed his face against her shoulder. “Which it just might.”
He slowly slid his hand out of her sweats and pulled her shirt down, letting his palm rest comfortably on her stomach. The ease and naturalness of the action made her shiver with a new need.
There was no disputing her sexual desire for him, but now she found herself thinking how wonderful it would be to have his casual touches and caresses as well. To be able to reach out and run her hand through his hair anytime she wanted to. To enjoy his companionship, secure in the knowledge that it was hers to enjoy.
This was insanity.
She instinctively hardened herself against the pain that curled through her, fighting the tantalizing wish, which she knew was only that. She suddenly had to get away from him, away from his kisses, away from his touches, both casual and sensual. When she tried to roll over, intending to stand, his hand held her firmly against the carpeted floor.
She didn’t fight him. “Let me up.” He lifted his head and looked at her, but kept his hand where it was. “I want to get up now.”
“We both will,” he said. “But not before we get something else straight.”
She was a jumble of raw emotions and more confused than she’d been in a very long time. She had to get away from him, get some space, recover her perspective. The fact that it was so difficult was proof of its importance. “We need to contact Zach. We’ve wasted too much time as it is. Then we can talk.”
The patience and fierce determination in his eyes was as daunting as it was unnerving. “Nothing that has to do with us is a waste. And I’ll let you go when I’m done.”
“I didn’t like being held hostage before,” she gritted. “And I don’t like it now.”
The emotion that flashed across his face was so intense, she couldn’t sort it out. She didn’t have time. In the next instant he’d swapped the pressure of his hand for that of his entire body. He slid on top of her, pinning her hands to the floor on either side of her head.
By not so much as a wince did he betray the pain this position must be costing him. But Rae could hardly worry about that when he rested his weight on his forearms and lowered his head until it was only a breath away. She faced him straight on, refusing to give an inch.
“Are you comparing what we were just doing to torture, Rae?” he asked heatedly. “Am I really making you do anything against your will?”
His weight was heavy on her hips and legs, and damn if she didn’t have to fight to ke
ep from squirming under him. And not for freedom.
“I asked you to let me up,” she said. “You refused.”
“And I asked you to listen to me before you run away again,” he countered. “Are you refusing?”
If she’d had the room in her lungs, she would have sighed in defeat. “Go ahead,” she said, then added, “but for the record, your requests sound very much like demands from this corner.”
“And yours don’t?” His expression was fierce, still determined, so she was caught off guard when he released her wrists and grasped her hands, weaving his fingers through hers.
“If I thought you’d sit still long enough to hear me out,” he said, “I wouldn’t have to resort to commando tactics, you know.” The intimacy of their entwined fingers somehow turned his retort into something teasing, even though nothing in his expression or tone hinted at it.
“And if you’d really learn to ask, maybe you wouldn’t be risking tearing open all my neat handiwork on your leg right now,” she shot back, but her tone wasn’t nearly as forceful as she’d intended.
“It will take Zach some time to get things arranged. Time that we can—”
“You may not have a life outside the job,” she broke in, “but I do. I have work to do. Orders to be filled that don’t come from you.”
He tightened his hold on her hands. “We will have time, Rae. We’re going to talk.” He leaned in closer until she could feel the heat of his breath on her lips. “And then we’re going to finish what we started here.”
She knew he had good reason to make his high-handed declaration with such confidence. She wasn’t exactly fighting like a wildcat to get him off her. And they were both well aware that the caliber of her training—even after a two-year layoff—gave her better-than-even odds of succeeding should she try.
She didn’t try, though, just as she didn’t say anything in response to his stated intentions. She knew well enough that any claim she made to the contrary would probably sound embarrassingly hollow. And agreeing out loud was definitely out of the question. She settled for just staring at him.
“I’m not hunting you, Rae,” he went on, his tone quieter, deeper, even more compelling. “I’m not seducing you and I’m damn well not doing anything you don’t want me to do. This won’t end until we see it through to the end.”
“Or until I leave to take care of that tiny terrorist problem you’ve so kindly dumped in my lap,” she said, terrified at the truth he was speaking and clinging to a last slender thread of righteous anger.
He didn’t shield the emotions her statement provoked. This time the pain and regret that flooded his eyes was easily readable. Rae swallowed hard. He continually threw her off balance. She kept making the mistake of trying to deal with him as the one-dimensional man she’d worked for. A man who saw everything in terms of black and white. He was steadily proving that he was anything but. There were depths of emotion in him she’d never suspected. And she was close to powerless to resist the temptation to plumb them all.
“I would never ask you to leave here if there was any other way.”
His words were so heartfelt, she thought her own heart might have stopped. She at least owed him honesty in return. “I know that. And I know I agreed to go.”
“And you know that this … whatever the hell it is that’s happening between us has nothing to do with that?”
She nodded. It was all she could manage.
The tiniest smile tilted the corners of his mouth. “I won’t lie and say I’m sorry you were the one who dragged me out of that cave.” The smile vanished as quickly as it had come. “And that has nothing to do with the job either.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Do you understand that?”
Her eyes burned again. “Yes, I do.” She wished she didn’t, though. It would be a hell of a sight easier if what was growing between them were only lust, only physical.
He leaned down and placed a heartbreakingly gentle kiss on her lips. Tears swam in her eyes when he lifted his head to gaze down at her.
“Then understand and believe me when I say that we will see this through. And it won’t be on the floor of your office, but downstairs in your bed.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but he pressed his thumb over her lips. When she relaxed them, he pushed his thumb inside.
Rae ran her tongue over the roughened tip, the fire leaping in her, instantly as fierce and strong as it had been in the most mindless moments between them.
“Nothing will stop this,” he said. “Not my job. Not your scars. Because it’s not about what I do or about the skin that covers your body. And if you have any doubt of that, I’ll warn you now that I intend to find each and every mark on you, Rae. I’m going to see them, I’m going to touch them, and I’m going to taste them. And I won’t stop until I’m just as familiar with them as you are.”
Then he sealed her fate. He smiled again, that broad, wicked, totally unexpected, and therefore devastatingly effective smile.
“And when I get done—” He pushed his thumb in deeper, forcing her to suck on it. His breath caught when she flicked her tongue over it, but if anything, his grin just grew wider. “And when I get done,” he repeated, “I’m going to let you return the favor.”
NINE
With more determination than he thought he possessed, Jarrett slid his thumb from her mouth, replaced it for several brutally short seconds with his mouth, then carefully eased his weight off her. He rolled over, shifting away from her, not trusting himself enough at that moment even to look at her. He only hoped to God she didn’t say anything.
He was damn lucky she hadn’t broken every bone in his body when he’d rolled on top of her. A small smile curved his lips, amazing him at how much easier it was each time. That she hadn’t even tried to get him off her had sent his ego and confidence soaring. Which had also confounded him, since he’d questioned neither in a very long time.
“Do you want to use the phone or the fax?” she asked a few minutes later.
The sound of her voice affected him as he’d known it would, and he shifted in increased discomfort. He wasn’t sure hours of silence would dim the effect her voice, still husky with the passion they’d only begun to explore, had on his body. He was convinced nothing would ever erase it entirely.
He didn’t look at her. Instead he probed the area around his wound, the pain only now registering. “Do you have an internal fax modem in your computer?” he asked.
“Yes. I guess that would be the least risky.”
His fingers hit an especially sore spot just above the entrance wound, and he flinched before he thought to control the automatic reaction.
Rae must have been watching him, because she immediately knelt in front of him. “You’ve probably destroyed all my pretty stitches,” she said, sighing in mock grievance. “And I worked so hard on them too.” Only when she reached out to push his hands away did he move.
His hand clamped over her wrist the instant before she touched him, the action swift and totally instinctive. “Don’t.” He said it more harshly than he’d intended. Not at all liking how much his terse command might have revealed, he carefully added, “I can handle it. Why don’t you boot up the computer.”
She stared at him for a moment, then shook her head. “Don’t be such a baby,” she said, shifting her gaze back to his leg and tugging at his grip. She reached with her other hand. “I just want to make sure you’re not bleeding.”
He caught that hand, too, and held on tight until she stilled and looked at him. He drew her forward, until she was kneeling between his thighs. The honest concern in her eyes stirred him up further, defeating any ability he had for pretense. “The only thread that’s going to snap is the one holding my control. So unless you plan on being naked in the next thirty seconds, I suggest you go boot up the computer.”
Her look of confusion changed swiftly to one of recognition. Only a blind man would have missed the banked desire struggling to be contained behind a facade of concern. He
was many things—frustrated, confused, and intensely aroused—but he wasn’t blind. When her gaze dropped all too naturally to the juncture of his legs, he almost said the hell with it, his thigh wound, his banged-up ribs, and the mission. He would have pulled her on top of him right then if she hadn’t yanked her hands free and stood.
“You promised me a bed and I’m holding you to it.” Her smile was dangerous and electric as she turned the tables on him so fast, it made his head spin. “And you can take that literally if you think you’re the only one in charge here.”
Stunned, he found himself ducking his head to hide—of all things—another smile. Damn if she didn’t send him around the block every other minute. Here he was, as hard as the boulders that covered her mountain, and instead of resenting the aching frustration that just might kill him, he was sitting on the floor of her office, smiling stupidly in anticipation of the next parry and thrust in their ongoing battle of wills. Never had planning strategies been so intriguing, never had the goal been so compelling. Never had success been so very important.
For the first time in his adult life he wished the world would go away and leave him alone so that, just this once, he could have this one thing for himself.
But when he turned to watch as she pulled out a chair and sat with her back to him, he experienced a flash of gut-searing panic that what he felt for her wasn’t governed by the need centered between his legs, but by the one inside his heart.
He heard Rae swear under her breath, then she punched a couple of buttons, chiding her computer for daring to give her the wrong prompt.
That’s when Jarrett knew just how dangerous the situation had become. He should be getting up, mentally preparing the next step, preparing for Zach’s entrance into the mission. Instead he simply sat there and watched her battle the machine, smiling at the smugness in her voice when the program she was after opened and glowed on the screen.
“Think you can outsmart me, do you?” she muttered triumphantly. She rolled her chair closer and settled in, happy now that her dominance in this situation had been clearly established. Jarrett wondered if she naturally fought for control in all of her relationships—whether with man or machine.
Surrender the Dark Page 11