by Anna Bloom
“Ha! Enjoying it now are you, Amber?” He laughs loudly, making a few heads turn. “He will, but the guy in front is his main competition so Freddy will make him relax first, leading him into security and then when he least expects it he will take him.”
“Clever,” I sigh in awe.
“Yep, he’s a clover boy.”
We watch for another twenty minutes as Freddy cruises behind the red car in front. “Come on, boy! Now!” The loud shout of Freddy’s dad next to me makes me jump out of my skin.
“Why now?” I’m shouting as well.
“Because there are only two laps left, he’s leaving it too late.”
But I can see he isn’t. Just as we speak Freddy slides out to the right — he doesn’t take it too wide, just a hairbreadth between his car and the other. “It’s too close.” I scrunch my eyes closed as I shout.
“Amber, it’s not, look.” Danni has hold of my hand in hers, it feels unnaturally warm in the cold air. I take her advice and open one eye. She’s right, Freddy is now in front and not by a little bit. He’s dropped the other guy in the dirt.
“Oh my God.” My lungs exhale a breath and I lean down, putting my hands on my knees as I try and recover myself. Adrenaline pumps through me along with relief. Mr. Bale turns to Henry and shakes his hand. “Another one in the bag, son, that will bring in some orders.”
Henry chuckles, “Better than advertising, is Freddy.”
“There you go, Amber, you can relax now, it’s a home run.” Mr. Bale thumps his palm on my back and I straighten quickly to stop him doing it again.
I look out onto the course and watch for Freddy to complete is lap. He’s over the far side, I can just see a glint of blue followed by a flash of orange.
There is no orange. I keep thinking it over and over again and my eyes widen as I watch the scene in front of me unfold. There is no orange on Freddy’s car.
“Freddy!” Mr. Bale’s bellow awakens me from my lapsed state and I look again at the course.
The dark blue roadster is spinning across the tarmac, over and over again it turns while flames lick along the passenger side.
I can’t move, I can’t shout, I can’t do anything, I’m frozen in place as everyone starts to shout and move around me. Fingers of ice spread along my insides.
“Amber!” Danni’s voice sounds like she’s under water. “Amber!” I try and find her face but I can’t see anything, just Freddy’s car and the fire engine and ambulance that have circled it now it’s stopped spinning.
“Amber!” her voice reaches for me again but I still can’t quite get to it, my eyes are going dark, my head is making some weird pulsing sound and my legs no longer belong to my body.
As my sight turns to black, the last thing I see is Freddy’s car burst completely into flames.
HOSPITALS
People are running everywhere. Just running, endlessly, and I don’t know why. Henry is shouting at everyone he sees and time is ticking so slowly it feels like this day of noise, screaming and fire is going to last for all eternity.
I’m sat on one of those plastic chairs drilled into the floor, and by my side, silently holding my hand, is Mr. Bale.
I don’t know where Freddy is.
Every time I think of his absence, this suffocating iron grip surrounds my chest, and my stomach gets this empty sensation as if there is something missing. Something I’m not going to be able to replace. Something essential to the fabric of my being.
I don’t know where Freddy is.
A sob builds in my throat. My other hand is squeezed and I look at Danni, my expression probably reflecting the shock I’m feeling. Tears glitter along her lashes but I frown at her. “Don’t,” I warn and then my throat closes again and I concentrate on breathing.
Henry storms back into the relative room, I guess it's supposed to make you feel warm and sunny judging by the puke yellow colour scheme and the flowery blue curtains. “No one is saying anything,” he growls.
Mr. Bale looks up at him, his face worn, and creased. “What do you want them to say?”
This doesn’t help simmer Henry’s anger. “I don’t know, Dad, anything.”
“No news is good news right now, I think.”
“Bollocks,” is the quick reply.
A man in pale blue scrubs catches our attention. He’s got one of those kind faces, perfect for breaking bad news to heartbroken families. Walking up to Mr. Bale, he offers his hand and bile instantly rises in my throat. It’s the sympathy handshake.
“I’m Dr. Jenkins,” he says before swiftly continuing, his experience in these situations probably telling him dawdling is not best. “The good news is Freddy hasn’t suffered any head injury, he’s been incredibly fortunate not to receive any brain contusions.”
It sounds like he is talking a foreign language
He knows where Freddy is. It’s all I can think.
“And the bad news?” Mr. Bale asks, his voice hoarse and tight.
Dr. Jenkins sighs and sits on the seat opposite, now the only person standing is Dickwad, but I think he has lost all use of his limbs, he’s just stood there like a statue carved from ancient stone. “Freddy has suffered extensive injuries to his body, and at the moment we are keeping him in an induced coma so he has time to heal before he wakes.”
His words meet dead silence.
“Freddy is going to find it very distressing when he wakes, so the longer we leave him under, the better.”
Still silence.
Finally Henry speaks, “When you say extensive, what do you mean exactly?”
There is a beat of expectation and then Dr. Jenkins crushes my world and my future. “Freddy has damaged his spinal column. We don’t know what the severity of this damage is yet, we need to wait for him to wake up, but before we do that we need the rest of his body to come out of shock. Did you know Freddy has a very rare blood type?” This last question is thrown out there as if it’s more important than anything else we have been told.
Mr. Bale looks around in confusion. “No.”
“Oh yes, AB Negative, we’ve ordered a supply in case we have to operate again.”
My stomach rolls over and over again with his words.
“And the burns?” Mr. Bale seems to be coming out of his silent daze, his knees are bouncing, his body agitated.
“The burns are superficial, he was lucky on that front. They look severe, but only the top layer of epidermis has been damaged, they will heal.”
There seems to be an elephant in the room that no one is addressing. I cough, warming up my vocal chords that I haven’t used in hours. “Freddy’s spine, does that mean he won’t walk again?”
Dr. Jenkins looks at me, his pale blue eyes calm and caring. “We don’t know, Amber, only time can tell. He may lose the use of his legs, maybe more.”
“How do you know my name?”
“I think all the staff know your name.”
Was he calling me and I wasn’t there?
My stomach lurches and sweat breaks along my skin. I can’t fully understand anything, the only thing I can focus on is Freddy is alive and he’s somewhere in this hospital.
Leaping to my feet, I look beseechingly at Dr. Jenkins. “Can you take me to him?” I know this probably isn’t the done thing, I know I’m not family, I’m the girlfriend, but I don’t care, I need to see Freddy and that’s all I can focus on.
Holding my hand towards Mr. Bale, I wait for him to grasp it and stretch from his seat. Henry follows behind as we trail Dr. Jenkins through corridors until finally he comes to a single room with the shutter pulled down. “Be brave,” he whispers to me as he pushes open the door, and I try to be, God, I try to be, but my first sight of Freddy on the bed, his skin blackened and blistered, with breathing apparatus in place, brings me to my knees.
Eventually I get myself together and I’m able to drag myself off the floor. With leaden feet, I walk towards the bed and look at him. My heart feels like a glass chandelier swinging in an unwante
d draft, at any moment it’s going to crash to the floor and smash into a thousand pieces. Tentatively I lift my fingers to the bruised charred skin on his face and run them along his fair brow. “I love you, Freddy, and I’m sorry I never told you before.”
Large droplets of tears start to roll down my cheeks, splattering onto his hospital gown. “I love you,” I whisper again, hoping to hell he can hear me.
“We all love you, Son,” says the gruff emotion filled voice of Mr. Bale by my side.
“Can I stay, please, Mr. Bale?” I ask, my voice small.
“Of course you can, girl. I don’t think Freddy would have it any other way, but you’ve got to call me Charles.”
I nod hesitantly, “Okay, I’ll do anything to be able to stay.”
I don’t plan to leave, I’ve found Freddy now, and I’m going to be with him until he wakes and I can tell him how I feel for myself. I’m going to be with him forever, because after nearly losing him today I know the prospect of a life without him isn’t a life I want.
* * *
Silence permeates around the room. It’s deep, dark and all encompassing as we hold our breaths. Even the cloying hospital smell that hangs on my clothes, stings my nose and keeps me rooted in the present can’t force me to take a breath.
It’s been five endless days and now we are huddled together against the wall of Freddy’s room while the doctors and nurses try to wake him from his coma. It’s not how I expect it to be. You’d think they’d just stop the drugs and then he’d open his eyes, but he doesn’t.
They call him, trying to bring him to the surface. “Freddy, can you hear us?” “Freddy, it’s time to wake up now.”
I’m sobbing as they search for him. I’ve been brave for days but now I’m so close to getting him back, the pressure feels like it may break any resolve I have left. I turn to my mum by my side, she’s reigning in her crazy and managing to act like a normal supportive parent. She turned up with a bag of clothes a few days ago when it was clear I wasn’t going to step foot out of the hospital, even for hygiene reasons. This morning Charles called her and told her they were going to wake Freddy, and he thought she should be here for me. Strangely, I’m taking some comfort in her being next to me. “Why can’t they find him?” I whimper to her and she clamps her hand in mine.
“Wait, Amber.” Her thumb strokes over the back of my hand like it used to when I was little, before she turned weird.
A gurgling noise fills the room and I watch as they pull a long tube from down Freddy’s throat. I want to gag but I can’t show that level of weakness, not after everything he has been through. Same as I’ve sat through the nurses cleaning his flaking skin, I’ve even bathed his damaged body myself, just something I can do while I wait for the boy who shines with magic to come back to me.
“Freddy.” The doctor leaning over him has a firm warning note in his voice. “Freddy, calm down, you were in an accident, but everything is okay, you are okay.”
We’ve been told not to expect him to move, that we shouldn’t be surprised if we don’t get much response, but I see his fingers flex against the bed sheet. A sob rips through me as one small question is answered. He hasn’t lost all movement. If his fingers still work it means I can hold them still. I edge towards the bed, unsure of what I’m going to find. Freddy is staring unseeingly at the ceiling, tears sliding out of the corner of his eyes.
“Freddy,” I call softly. I know this should be his dad, but I can’t hold myself back. I’ve just got to tell him.
Linking my fingers in his, I lean across so he can see me. The ocean blues shift their focus slightly onto me and I can see frustration flicker across his face. The bruises have faded to purple and although he doesn’t look much like my Freddy, he still looks beautiful to me.
“Amber?” I can only just hear him croak out my name. He looks cross and agitated. I apply some pressure with my fingers to his and wait for him to calm down.
“Freddy, can you hear me?” I lean my mouth close to his ear, grazing my lips across the skin of his cheek.
“Yes.” His answer is just the faintest of a whisper but it makes my heart soar.
“It’s not maybe.”
His fingers squeeze mine in response so I lean in closer still. “I have fallen in love with you.”
My tears start to fall, faster and faster, soaking the hospital linen with my relief.
“Amber?” his voice scratches out my name. “I can’t feel anything.”
I smooth his hair with my hand and lean into him, crooning his name over and over. “It’s the painkillers, baby,” I lie smoothly, just like I’ve been told to do.
“Amber,” his voice is so low I lean in and place my ear by his mouth. His lips are cracked and they brush my skin with a slight scratch. “You’re a bad liar, but I love you.”
I could climb onto the bed and nestle in at his side, I’m so desperate to feel him, hold him, but instead, with a final squeeze of his fingers, I move out of the way so his family can get in to see him.
Mum leads me out into the corridor and I let the wave of emotion I’ve been battling just wash over me. It pulls me under, my lungs struggling to draw air as I scramble for breath through the sobs. Eventually I start to calm and find my mum watching me. “What?”
“I’m worried about you, Amber. Worried about what this all means.” She shrugs apologetically but her eyes are determined.
“I love him, Mum. I can’t do anything different than what I am doing right now. It’s all I know.” These words in no way encompass any of the feelings I really have, but they are too hard to say.
I stare back at the door, already feeling the pull to be with him, with a deep breath, I reinforce my emotional reserves and then I leave my mum and her worries in the hallway as I find my way back to Freddy’s side — the only place I’m supposed to be.
Cherry Blossom
Valentines Day dawns it’s grey murky sunrise and I stare through the bedroom window as I have all night, waiting for this day to arrive. If you’d asked me a month ago how my first Valentines with a real boyfriend would be — a proper, snogging, shagging boyfriend — I’d have been jumping for joy at the prospect of the cheesiness of it all. Bring on the chocolates, hearts and snogging / shagging.
Now, as I watch the cold winter dawn spread through my room, I feel only a chill run along my skin.
My fingers reach for Freddy’s locket and tears sting my eyes so sharp I have to blink and blink until I’ve washed them away.
This isn’t how I thought things would be, but at the same time, now I can’t imagine it being anything different. Everyday I sit and try to absorb some of Freddy’s pain, but how can you absorb something when you can’t actually feel it yourself?
I yank my duvet off and swing my feet onto the cold floor. I don’t know what to do today. I don’t know how to make Valentines special for Freddy, and it’s kept me up all night worrying about it.
What to do for Freddy Bale, the beautiful boy in a hospital bed, no longer able to walk.
In the kitchen I make myself a coffee and as I can hear my dad moving around getting ready for work, I pour him one too, adding extra sugar just the way he likes it.
“Hey, Sunshine,” he greets me with when he spies me holding the coffee mug. “What are you doing up? Still struggling to sleep?” Sleep has become my enemy since that fateful day in January. Sleep no longer brings me rest, it brings nightmares and terror.
“You know, just trying to think of something to do for Valentines?” I prompt him, hoping he might have a blinding idea.
“Picnic in the hospital?”
I curl my lip.
“Hot chocolate, DVD and marshmallows?” he tries again. “Snuggled under a blanket?”
“On a hospital bed that vibrates and blows up with air every two minutes?” I contend.
“Don’t know then, sorry. I’m sure he will just be happy with a card, I doubt he’s up for anything much anyway.”
“It’s our first Valentines
together, I can’t just let it go unnoticed,” I whine.
“Romantic walk, followed by a picnic,” says my mum’s voice from the kitchen doorway. She’s stood there watching my dad and I chat, her eyes wary.
“How can I do that, the only time they let him out of bed is for physio?”
“Call and ask?”
“What, ring and say, “please can I take my boyfriend for a hospital bound date?” and then hope they let me escape with him out of the ward?”
Mum shrugs and comes into the kitchen, flicking the kettle and sliding a mug over. Our relationship has been marginally better since she was with me in the hospital the day they woke Freddy up. She has made sure I’ve eaten and tried to get me to sleep, not that I can.
“No harm in asking. Would you like some breakfast, Amber?”
The thought of breakfast makes my stomach roll. “I’ll grab something later, thank you. “
“Make sure you do.”
“I will. So listen, why don’t you guys go out tonight?” I don’t even know why I say it, mum and dad never do anything for Valentines, or birthdays, or Christmas. Well, actually, they never do anything for each other — ever.
“We could do?” Dad looks at mum expectantly.
Shooting him down, she sends him a withering look and shuffles her way out of the kitchen in her slippers.
“I’ll be here with you, Dad,” I try and make things better. Obviously I can’t.
“Nah, you and Freddy have a good time.” He walks over and grabs me in a hug. “Amber, I know it's hard, but he is still the same boy inside that made you go crazy giggles just a couple of months ago.”
“I know, Dad. I know.” My eyes sting with tired tears again and with a final hug, I turn and start to put my plan for the day into action.