by Izzy Cullen
“Has anyone made any offers on the place?” I was worried about his response, and if it was yes, I might cry.
“No, no, like I said, I was thinking about it. I haven’t done anything yet, nor will I without talking to you and your mother. Believe me, there will be no deciding anything without your mother involved. Could you imagine living with her if I sold without her input?” We both let out a chuckle, because we knew she would be a bitch to live with.
Just then the girls started to argue whether or not Josie had called out Uno or not, so I had the girls clean up the game. It was perfect timing too, because Alex had finished dinner and my mom was summoning all of us to the dining room table. As I walked in with my arm around my dad, Alex was placing the sauce and meatballs on the table. Everything smelled so good. I was impressed.
We sat around and ate. The girls monopolized the majority of the conversation. Most the time their voices rose higher and higher to get the attention so we would listen to one over the other. My mother had to hush them a few times. Monday dinners always seemed so chaotic, yet so relaxing. It’s a feeling hard to explain. Alex and I looked at each other throughout dinner. We never usually spoke to each other because we tried to keep up with the girls and their conversations. My eyes were currently connected to his when I heard the latest conversation. My head quickly snapped over to Lily. I was about to interrupt her when my mother held up a hand to my face. This was always her signal not to interrupt and to be quiet. The more I sat and listened to her, the harder it was to be quiet.
My mind was racing. I did not intend to discuss with my parents whether Alex slept over, and to have Lily campaign to my mother on the fact he should was driving me insane. I was not able to respond because my mother decided it was her place. She dropped her hand as she spoke to Lily.
“You know, my dear, it isn’t your decision or mine. It is your mother’s and Alex’s. I do agree with you though that if the house isn’t a lot of money to Alex and he doesn’t mind it sitting empty at night, then let it sit empty.” I was shocked at my mother’s statement. I had spent the summer listening to her lectures on rushing things and jumping in and not thinking. Now I was sitting at a dinner table with her telling the girls she agreed with them on allowing Alex to spend the night.
Instead of saying something inappropriate or rude, I decided to stand and start clearing the table. It was getting late and the girls still had to have showers and read, because it was a school night. “Girls, why don’t you start gathering all of your things? We need to get you home and ready for bed.”
The girls carried their plates to the kitchen without complaint. I heard Josie ask Jasmine about dessert, but nothing was said to any of us still around the table. The girls walked to the entryway and started packing their things. My mother broke the silence in the dining room.
“Abby, why don’t you stay and help clean up here? It’s only right, since Alex did all the cooking. I’m sure Alex can take the girls home and get them ready for bed. He is used to helping out at bedtime.”
“Actually, that sounds like a really good idea, and I don’t mind.” Alex stood up while grabbing his plate and utensils. He took them into the kitchen.
Knowing I was not going to win, even if I tried to argue with this suggestion, I just kept quiet. I knew my mother was scheming, and instead of just coming out and asking me to stay and talk, she was manipulating everyone so it would happen. The woman was like a master puppeteer.
Alex walked back into the dining room and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll see you in a little bit. Do you want me to keep the girls up so you can tuck them in, or can I read them their story?” I knew Alex liked tucking them in, but he knew it was my thing with the girls. He never did it without me asking him to. Alex was good about not overstepping any boundaries that he felt I set.
I looked up at him, hoping he would read my face and mind and find a way for me to escape this talk, but he didn’t say anything else, just waited for my response. “If I’m not back by 7:45 read them a story and tuck them into bed. I shouldn’t be long though.” At least, I was hoping I wouldn’t be long.
I kissed the girls goodnight and watched them walk out the door with Alex. When I heard the door shut, my stomach was a little in knots. Something about my mother wanting to talk to me always made me uneasy, as if I was a child being scolded. I knew why I felt this way, because growing up she was always lecturing me. I could always do better or do it her way. Growing up I resented her, but now as an adult and mother, I could understand her parenting. Nevertheless, I would never parent the same way she did.
“Okay, shoot.” I even made the gun motions with my hands to lighten the mood. The look on my mother’s face showed she was far from amused. My dad started to laugh and quickly exited the room when my mother shot him a look filled with daggers.
“Can you ever be serious?” She grabbed a few dishes and walked towards me.
“Yes, I actually am very serious between the hours of 8am and 3pm. It is probably a good thing too, because if I wasn’t, I would be looking to you for a full time job.” I knew this would really get her going, but her sarcastic question required a sarcastic response.
“If this is how you are going to be, then just go home. You make it so hard on me to even have a normal conversation with you. I feel like I struggle to compete for your time while your dad gets so much of it.” She looked away and started to grab plates to scrape into the garbage disposal.
I wanted to come back with a smart response, but I could tell she was being honest, and I sensed a bit of jealousy over the relationship I had with my dad. I was a daddy’s girl, but he made it so easy. I could be me with him and feel no judgment. I wasn’t perfect and he never pointed it out to me.
“I’m sorry, I just feel like I’ve been called into the principal’s office and I’m about to be scolded. I get nervous and I tend to get witty.”
“Depends on your definition of witty, and I’m not scolding you. We are just having a talk, mother to daughter.” She almost seemed pleased that she was able to throw in some sort of smart remark. I could tell by the slight smile on her face.
“Okay, fire away. What would you like to talk to your daughter about that we couldn’t talk about at dinner?” I had a feeling I knew what was coming.
“Alex.” She looked at me as she said it. “Why don’t you sit? You need to listen, so I will talk and wash.” I walked the few steps to the bar stool and had a seat. I sat quickly and quietly. What could she possibly say about Alex? I thought she liked him. This kind of stuff is what she used to do when she was trying to get me to divorce David.
“I heard about the conversation Lily had with you and Alex this morning.” I looked puzzled. Did Alex tell her when he was cooking here with her today? Why would he talk to my mom? It was a tad personal and I felt it was none of her business, unless he felt he needed her blessing to start sleeping over.
“Get that look off your face. Lily told me while we made snacks. Actually, she was asking me if there was a reason Alex didn’t stay the night. I told her to talk to you and Alex and she told me she did.”
I was confused. “If she talked to you already, then why did you play dumb at dinner?”
“Because, my dear, you would have jumped in her poop. The poor girl wouldn’t have stood a chance. You would have told her it wasn’t her business, not to bring it up in mixed company, and blah, blah, blah. That poor girl has been through a lot, and although she is only eight, she is older than her years. You just don’t like to admit it.” My mother’s tone was firm, and she was right about Lily. She seemed older than her age and wise beyond her years. There were times I felt like she lost a lot of her youth with David’s death and the twins. She had to help a lot, and I felt it forced her to grow up sooner than she should have.
“It’s jump in her shit, and you are right, I would have. We discussed it this morning and I explained to her why. I’m not a hundred percent sure why you feel the need to get involved.” I kept my vo
ice flat. My mother was good at playing a victim and saying I was yelling or picking on her.
“Because if I don’t, you will screw things up. You are not the best judge when it comes to people.” I knew she was taking about David. “I like Alex, he is a good person, and he loves you and those girls. Who else moves to a small town in the middle of nowhere?”
She was right, he gave up a lot to be here, and he wasn’t getting anything out of this move.
“Who are you protecting?” My mother was looking straight at me as she spoke, and it felt like her eyes were burning into me. “Are you keeping him at a distance for you or the girls? Because he has already showed more love in the past few months than their father showed them in the years he lived with them.”
I had tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t know who I was really protecting. I had already exposed the girls so much to him, so that if he did leave they would suffer and be hurt again. I kept telling Lexi that I don’t allow him to stay because I don’t want to have sex in the house with the girls home. Honestly, I’d been lying to myself a lot lately, and saying it so much made me believe it was the truth.
“I don’t know. I thought I was doing what was best for all of us. Well, maybe not Alex, but the girls and me.” I paused for a second and looked down at my hands. I could hear my mother shuffle around the island and sit next to me. “I didn’t want to rush anything. Last time I jumped in with both feet, and I ended up in Vegas on spring break my sophomore year of college and was married by Elvis. I’m slightly impulsive.”
“Slightly? Listen, do things in your own time if that is what you need. The reservations you are having, I understand, but you can’t keep holding your past against Alex. You need to either let him in completely or let him go, because it is not fair to him. You both deserve to be happy, and those girls are already happy again. I can see it in all of you. You are all happy, so take down your guard and let him in.” She was right. My guard has been up to the point of me being a bitch at times. I wasn’t sure how Alex put up with it this long.
I kissed my mother on the cheek and gave her a hug. She looked surprised. I decided it was time to take down my guard with Alex, and also with her. I haven’t always been fair to her and knew I couldn’t keep holding my past with her against her now. I said my goodnight to her and my dad and headed out the door.
~4~
I sent Alex a text that I would be there soon, but to go ahead and get the girls to bed. I needed to make a phone call and a stop first. I quickly dialed Derek’s number when I climbed in the car. I was backing out when he answered.
“Hey, stranger, I thought you forgot about me or no longer needed me.” I felt the slight sting that came with the comment. Since Alex had moved to town, Derek and I didn’t spend as much time on the phone as we used to do a few months ago.
“I know, I’m a shitty friend! So are you still dating the lawyer?”
“Why? Have you come to your senses and decided you can’t live without me? Because I can end all the relationships I have going on.” I so missed the banter that always seemed to play out between us.
“Relationships, as in more than one? How can you keep everything straight? I hope you haven’t told them they are the only ones, because if you have I can’t be your friend anymore.” I was a bit disappointed in Derek if he was stringing along multiple girls.
“They know about each other and not one cares. They aren’t with me for a commitment. Everyone gets what they want. After all, we are all adults here.” Derek was stern, almost defensive.
“Hey, it’s your life, and I won’t judge. I called to tell you that I’m going to let Alex move in if he wants. I didn’t want it to be a shock to you.”
“Well, thanks for not judging, even though I know you don’t know how not to judge. And I thought he already was living there?” His voice took on a questioning tone.
I pulled into my destination and exited the car. I walked up the steps and used my key to enter Alex’s house. “No, he doesn’t live there. He has his own house.”
“Then I guess it’s about time. The poor guy drives home every night then back every morning? That’s commitment. I have never liked a woman enough to do that. Well, I do leave at night. I guess I could say I have never liked a woman enough to stay the night. Anyway, is he going to live with you?”
“Well, I don’t know. I haven’t asked him. I’m at his house now. I’m grabbing shit to throw in his overnight bag. I figured I’d surprise him with it. Is what I’m doing cheesy? I mean, will he be forced to stay if he doesn’t want to? Am I adding pressure?”
“Oh my God, can you shut up or shut your mind off? He wants to stay, and I think you are making a big adult step. I’m proud of you for growing up.”
“Shut the fuck up.” I could hear Derek chuckle. “I have to go. I have to go through his things and decide what I need to pack.”
“Wait, seriously, Abs, I’m happy for you, a bit jealous of Alex, but happy for you. Am I still invited for Thanksgiving?” I could hear the seriousness in his voice.
“Of course, you are welcome here anytime. I miss you and the girls miss you. You are a bigger part of us than you know.” I wanted to tell him I loved him, but it felt awkward. I did love Derek as I loved Lexi, but at times saying it felt almost wrong, because I always felt he still wanted more than a friendship.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Tell my girls I love them and tell Alex he is lucky. I’ll talk to you this week.” We said our normal good bye. I went into Alex’s closet, took out a duffle, and threw together a few things. I figured he could come back to the house tomorrow and pack up his own things. I still wasn’t sure how this would go, but I felt I needed to make an effort, because he was always the one making sacrifices.
After I left the bathroom with his toiletry bag, I walked down the stairs, locking the door before I closed it behind me. When I got in the car, I felt nervous and a little anxious. This was new, but in reality, it wasn’t. I had to keep telling myself that Alex has been living at my house this whole time and only sleeping at his house.
When I pulled in the drive, I saw his Jeep. He always parked to the side so it was easy for him to pull out. I did something I have never done before – I pulled in directly behind the jeep, blocking him in the driveway. I parked the car and shut off the engine. When I climbed out, I saw Alex open the door and lean against the doorway.
“You know I’m going to have to move that later, right?”
I shut the driver door and immediately opened the back door, pulling out his duffle. I didn’t say anything as I shut the door, slinging the duffle over my shoulder. I looked up and saw a huge smile on Alex’s face as he ran down the porch steps. He didn’t say anything as he scooped me up and tossed me over his shoulder. Alex carried me into the house like that.
“So I guess you are okay with me grabbing a few of your things?” I finally said when Alex set me down. He didn’t respond, but immediately put my face in his hands and kissed me. When he was done, I pulled away and looked at him. “Good, but there are a few things we need to figure out. Like if one of the girls is sick and needs to sleep with me. Should she crawl in with us or where do you go? It’s confusing.”
Alex started to give a low laugh. “You think too much. If it happens I’ll move to the couch or I’ll sleep on the floor so I can still help. Whatever makes you comfortable. We will figure it all out in time. We don’t need to sit and map out every possible situation this minute.” He was right, I thought too much. We could take it in stride, but the thought of that made me slightly nervous too.
Alex ran his bag upstairs and put everything away. He said he did it in case I changed my mind. I settled into the couch and was flipping through the channels when he walked into the living room. Alex had a huge smile on his face. He didn’t say anything, but sat down and snuggled in next to me. The anxiety I felt earlier had eased, and I felt at peace with this decision. We sat there with my body leaning on him and my head on his chest for at least an hour. It was so
comfortable that I didn’t realize the time.
“Hey, it’s almost ten, so let’s head up to bed.” Alex started to lean me upright. I watched him shut everything off and walk into the foyer to lock the front door. I stood and walked over to the stairs and waited for him. Usually, at this time of night, I would give him a kiss and he would tease about staying. When I wouldn’t give in, he would give me a final kiss and tell me he would be over in the morning. Tonight he walked over to me, grabbed my hand, and led me up the stairs. It was hard to describe, the only words that I could apply to this was that it felt right.
There was a comfortable silence in the room as we got ready. When I turned to climb into bed, Alex was standing on the opposite side. “So where would you like me to sleep? How about the side by the window?”
I shot Alex a warm smile. “That’s perfect. That way I am closer to the door in case the girls get up.” I really didn’t mind. I had gotten used to sleeping in the middle of the bed over the last year, and having to stick to my own side would be challenging. “For the record, I’m used to sleeping alone, so if you get punched, kicked, or if I take all the covers, it is not my fault.” Alex was already crawling into bed when I gave him the warning. I walked over and plugged my cell phone into the charger before crawling in next to him.
“So does the no sex rule still apply?” Alex asked teasingly.
“I’ll ship your ass home if you try anything funny. Plus I don’t think your body has built up to sex twice in a day.” I rolled over, placing my arms around his neck and kissing him again.
“You would be amazed at what my body is able to do.” I gave him one more kiss and rolled over. Alex immediately grabbed me and pulled me into him. I was comfortable and I felt safe. We talked a little bit about the girls and the bedtime that I had missed. Somewhere during the conversation, I fell asleep.
I woke to the sound of Alex’s cell phone ringing. My heart was racing and I immediately looked at the clock, which read midnight. Alex stumbled out of bed to locate his phone. When he did, he immediately answered it in an almost panicked voice. “Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?”