My faith in him had been demolished, and I felt like I could never trust him again. He made me feel like he had been playing me. Because I loved him with every fiber of my being, it had crushed my heart. Even though I was pretty sure I wasn’t thinking clearly or rationally, I wanted to get up and run as far away as I could.
My attempt to speak came out as more of a croak, and he rushed to press a red button on my bed and then came back to me with a cup of ice chips that he spooned into my mouth. Accepting it with unimaginable gratitude, I almost moaned in ecstasy. The cold ice melting across my tongue was like manna from heaven.
“The doctor said if you woke up to call the nurse and that I could give you ice chips, but that you should only have a few at a time until we know if your stomach will tolerate it.” The look of concern on his face left me feeling confused, and I hated it. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to tell him to leave, but I couldn’t make my mouth say the words. It left me torn between wanting him to hold me and wanting to scream at him to get out. Fatigue had me opting to just have my questions answered.
“How long?” I croaked, hoping he understood I was asking how long I’d been there. He spooned more ice chips toward my mouth, which I readily accepted.
“You’ve been out for nearly five days. There was a small area of bleeding on your brain that resolved itself, but with the swelling added to it, the doctors wanted your brain to rest so it could heal. They just stopped the shit that was keeping you under this morning.”
“What… what did the doctor tell you?” The ice chips were helping moisten my mouth, but I still felt like my voice was rusty. With every word from my lips, my ribs felt on fire.
I prayed the doctor didn’t tell him about the baby. I really prayed I didn’t lose the baby.
I wasn’t ready to tell him yet. I would, but I just wasn’t ready yet.
God, I needed to talk to Steph. I really needed my friend.
“Baby, you were pretty beat up. Luckily, you didn’t have anything broken, but nearly every rib on your right side is cracked. And you had significant head injuries, a bruised kidney…” His voice cracked. “Jesus, baby, it was just so much. I really don’t know where to even begin. I’m so fucking sorry. If I had left you alone, you wouldn’t be here like this. I’m so fucking selfish, I know, but I can’t give you up. Not for anything.” He let out a deep breath and held my hand in both of his, resting it against his cheek.
An older lady in scrubs entered my room and announced she was my nurse and she was pleased to see me awake. She asked me a few questions, took my vitals, asked if I needed anything else, and said the doctor would be in to see me shortly. Nodding my head hurt, so I closed my eyes again.
“Steph. I need to see Steph.” With great effort, I open my eyes and my gaze pleaded with him.
“She’s actually on her way. She’s dropping the babies off at her mom’s, and she’ll be here soon. She texted me earlier as she was leaving their house to see if you’d woken up yet. God, I have been so worried about you, babe. I was so afraid of losing you… especially with the way we left things. We need to talk, baby.”
“Mason, I don’t know.” I felt so discombobulated. My heart was begging me to pull him up into the bed with me, to have him just hold me, but my mind was screaming to tell him to get the hell out of my room. My body felt like I had been run over by a steamroller, but I wanted the comfort of his arms despite being hurt and angry at his betrayal at the strip club, which led to my abduction. The battle between the two sides of my heart was making me dizzy.
“It’s okay. We don’t need to do it now. I don’t want to put unnecessary stress on you while you’re trying to recover. When you get home and are feeling better, we will talk. Okay?” His voice poured over my soul like a healing balm, and I hated my capricious heart.
“Yeah.” It was the most noncommittal answer I could bring to mind.
That was when I heard the one person I’d been waiting for, but I hated the tremor I heard in her voice. My friend had been through so much in the last several years. I hated that I was adding more to burden her.
“Hey, my little hooch.” She was attempting to maintain a sense of normalcy, but I still heard the shaky quality of her voice.
The sterile almost chemical smell of the hospital room was making me slightly ill. My eyes pled with her as I looked briefly at Mason, and I hoped she understood I was asking her to convince him to leave so we could talk.
“Awww, Hollywood, baby, why don’t you go on home and get cleaned up. Now that our girl is awake, I can stay here with her for you. She isn’t going anywhere.” Thank you, thank you, thank, my friend. My eyes closed as I tried to gain control of my thoughts and words.
“No. I’m not leaving her.” He sounded angry, and in surprise, I looked at him. His eyes were turbulent and golden in his anger.
“I’ll be fine, honest. Steph will be here, and she’s right, I’m not going anywhere. Go home, shower, and get a little rest.” Please, please, my mind pled. I needed answers that I could only get from Steph after he was gone.
He appeared to waver in indecision before he got up and kissed me, running his hand along my face before framing it with his hands. He kissed my forehead, whispering, “I love you, beautiful,” and walked to the doorway. “I’ll be back, baby. We can talk a little when I get back,” were his parting words.
“Sure.” I attempted to reassure him so he would leave.
Steph sat next to me in the seat Hollywood had vacated. He looked at us both once more before reluctantly leaving the room. Then we heard his footsteps fade down the hall. Her hand grabbed mine, and I watched as tears filled her eyes and spilled over. Considering it wasn’t that long ago the roles had been reversed, I hated that she had to be here and have this reminder. More guilt on my plate. Heap it on.
“Steph, do you know? Did the doctor say? Oh, God, Steph, I need to know about my baby. The doctor hasn’t come in yet.” Her tears worried me, and my heart began to ache. Praying to God, I just needed to know.
“Becca, honey, I don’t know. The doctors wouldn’t tell me much because I wasn’t family. Hollywood told them he was your husband, so we found out most things through him, but I don’t know what all they told him. Do you want me to go find a doctor or your nurse?” When I nodded, she stood and walked out of the room. The nurse was supposed to be getting the doctor, but she must have gotten side-tracked.
Steph came back with both the nurse and the doctor in tow. Loved my girl. She made things happen. The nurse proceeded to get another temp and recorded another set of vitals off the machines attached to me. Geez, how many times did they do that in a day?
The doctor was a woman with graying blonde hair pulled up in a bun, which wasn’t doing a great job of keeping said hair contained. She was wearing light blue scrubs with a white lab coat and carried a clipboard stuffed with papers. Her kind eyes were complete with laugh lines, and she made me feel more at ease than I had been.
“I’m Dr. Cavanaugh, and I’m pleased to see you awake and talking, Mrs. Kannan. Your friend tells me you have some questions. I’d like to do a quick exam, and then we can talk, if that’s okay.” I nodded to her, anxious to get the answers I needed. She called me Mrs. Kannan; they must have assumed Mason’s last name was Kannan since he said he was my husband when they admitted me. Hell, I wasn’t going to correct her assumption.
Steph left the room to give us privacy as the nurse closed the door and pulled the curtain in the room. She proceeded to check me out head to toe. When she was finished, she asked, “Do you want your friend to come back in or would you rather talk in private?”
“No, I want her here,” I answered, so the nurse went to bring her back in. Steph followed the nurse in and sat down next to me, gathering my cold hand in her warm one as she rubbed soothing circles on the tops of my fingers. My other hand clenched and unclenched in the white, woven cotton blanket.
The doctor pulled up the other chair next to my bed and proceeded to tell me about the dam
ages to my body and how I was fairing as a result. She still hadn’t touched on what I was impatiently awaiting to hear.
“Dr. Cavanaugh? What about my baby? Is it… I need to know…” My throat clogged with tears and a sob hiccupped, unbidden from my lips. When she grew quiet and reached out to hold my rapidly fidgeting hand, I feared the worst.
“Mrs. Kannan… Becca… your baby is fine.” The breath I didn’t know I was holding was expelled in a mix between a laugh and a sob. “I’m not going to lie, we were concerned for the first couple of days, so we didn’t say anything to your husband. When he didn’t ask, we assumed he didn’t know yet.” Her eyes looked at me in question for confirmation of her assumption. My bottom lip held between my teeth, I nodded.
“Your baby’s fetal heart tones were checked this morning when your husband went to get a cup of coffee. They were steady and within acceptable limits. We want to conduct another ultrasound. One was done in the emergency room after your blood tests came back positive on the HCG qualitative, but the dopler wasn’t picking up a heartbeat. Going by the measurements of the baby, it appears you are about thirteen weeks. Does that sound about right to you?” My heart leapt at the thought. Holy crap. I was right, I had gotten pregnant almost right away. What if he thought I did it on purpose? My mind was worrying itself in circles with a million what-ifs flying through it and bouncing off each other.
“Ummm, yeah, that could be possible. In all the stress before I left Council Bluffs and after I got here, I missed a pill… a few times.” Stupid, Becca. Seriously stupid.
“Well, it only takes one, you know. Not to mention, the pill isn’t 100 percent effective… nothing but abstinence really is.” Her laughter was soft and soothing, but did little to calm my nerves as they jumped and fluttered in my stomach. Except it wouldn’t stop. My hand went to my barely raised belly. It was hard, but it hardly seemed big enough for me to be thirteen weeks already. The fluttering came again, startling me, and I let out a surprised, “Oh!”
“Sorry! My nerves are so bad, my stomach is all fluttering.” The outburst was a little embarrassing to top off my distress. My cheeks puffed out, and I blew out my breath.
“Well, actually that could be quickening,” the doctor said, “and with this being your first baby, this could be about the right time for you.”
“Quickening?” What the hell was that? Now I felt really stupid. There wasn’t a chance for me to get any pregnancy books, and I had wanted to make an appointment with a doctor before I jumped the gun. My circumstances had changed all that it seemed, and there was no doubt that I was pregnant now.
“The first time you feel the baby move.” Steph squeezed my hand as she smiled through her tears. “Oh, Becca, isn’t it an amazing feeling?”
My hand continued to rest on my slightly curved belly. I didn’t feel anything with my hand. It had just felt like a goldfish was fluttering in my belly. Or like I had gas. The movement had stopped, and I began to panic a little.
“It stopped! Is he okay? And why aren’t I feeling it with my hand? Does that mean he’s weak? Geez, it seems like it’s been forever since I took any classes on a baby’s development. I admit I didn’t pay great attention to any of the stuff on pregnancy because, at that time, I wasn’t really thinking of having children. I don’t remember any of this.” Alarm was setting in. For someone who never thought they would have children, this tiny little life growing inside me already meant the world to me.
Dr. Cavanaugh smiled as she reassured me that was normal. She pulled a little black box that looked like it had a mini microphone attached to it out of her pocket.
“Just to make you feel better, let’s listen to your little one, okay?” Nodding my head was all I could do as words escaped me. She squirted some gel on me, then placed the microphone-looking thing to the blob of gel, spreading it around until we all heard a steady whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh. Tears sprung to my eyes.
“Listen to that! Sounds beautiful.” She listened for a few more seconds before she removed the gel with a paper towel and cleaned up her little device.
She told me they would get another ultrasound to ascertain possible issues with the placenta or amniotic sac this afternoon and keep me another night for observation to ensure I wouldn’t have any lingering issues from the sedative I was given. If all was well by morning, I should be able to go home sometime tomorrow afternoon. After I told her I didn’t have any other questions, she excused herself to order the ultrasound. Even though she said it was normal, I wanted to stop on my way home tomorrow to get a pregnancy book.
“Becca, you have to tell Hollywood… today.” Steph’s soft voice broke into my thoughts, causing my heart rate to increase and sweat to break out on my forehead and down my back. My eyes closed and my head fell back to the pillow in resignation. Considering I wasn’t really sure where we stood, I was so afraid this would send him running if he wasn’t happy with my news. Our relationship was so fragile at this point. Getting pregnant had been the last thing I planned, but what if he didn’t believe that? Maybe I could wait just a few more days to see where we were… also, I certainly didn’t want him to want to be with me just because of the baby.
“Becca, did you hear me? And no, you cannot wait any longer. I see those thoughts going through your head as if they are written across your face. He deserves to know. He either wants the baby with you or he can hit the hills, sweetie, but either way, you need to tell him. Trust me on this one. I would know.” Steph’s tone took on a stubborn note, and I knew she was right. It didn’t mean I was happy about it, but I knew I did need to tell him.
WHEN I LEFT THE hospital, I was pissed. Hell no, I didn’t want to leave Becca’s side, but I knew I smelled like ass and I needed to get a few hours of decent sleep. There was a crick in my neck that hurt like a motherfucker from sleeping in that chair by her bed, but I would do it all over again to be close to her.
Maybe I fucked up by not telling her what was going on, but I didn’t want to land my ass in a sling by disclosing club business. Shit. There were now a few things I would have to tell her that she pretty much already knew because of those assholes kidnapping her.
I decided to go to the clubhouse to shower and nap since it was closer to the hospital, and I needed to check in anyway. After checking in with Snow and giving him an update on Becca, I went to clean up.
Trudging into the room I had shared with my woman before we bought our home, I had fleeting memories assail me of wild nights and lazy mornings. Would we ever have that again? Would she forgive me for not telling her what I was working on? Forgive me for not telling her I was at the Shamrock so she wouldn’t follow me or come to the absolute worst conclusion every time?
Sometimes I hated that club business had to be so tight, but I knew that for the safety of every member, and in turn their families, it was important. No matter how much we may believe we loved someone, at any point they could shitcan you or vice versa. Brothers were forever. Bitches, even old ladies, could come and go. Becca was never just a “bitch” to me, but I had to keep everything in perspective.
Who the hell was I kidding? I was fucking insane for her. There was no “perspective,” because I couldn’t tell up from down when I was near her.
My brain knew I needed that shower, but hell if I could summon the energy to make my way to the bathroom. My body crashed on the bed, face down. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep the bruised and battered vision of my baby’s face and body out of my mind. By association with me and my club, I had done this to her. Fuck.
There was no one who had ever held my heart in the palm of their hand like she did, and I knew there never would be again, but I couldn’t keep myself from thinking maybe she was better off without me.
Drifting off to sleep, I thought I smelled her fresh scent, and it tortured my body, mind, and soul to be away from her. Despite realizing I should, I had no idea how I would ever let her go.
Thrashing in the bed, screaming, was how I awoke from my fitful
sleep. Fucking A. My heart was beating so hard and so fast I thought it would burst through my chest wall. Vivid images of the accident had been running through my dreams, but instead of our interpreter next to me, it had been Becca. Nausea roiled through me at the thought of those images. Shit. Maybe I needed to start taking those damn pills for my nightmares again. Fucking pills. Hated ’em.
The clock on the beat-up stand by the bed read 1400. Shit, I needed to get back to the hospital.
Rolling to my back, I threw my arm over my eyes. Battling with the thoughts in my head wasn’t helping me, so I rolled my ass out of the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. Flipping the shower knob all the way on, I waited for the hot water to make its way to my room. As I undressed, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Despite my recent sleep, I had dark circles under my eyes. Damn, I looked like fucking shit. I took in the scars covered by tats and the ones that weren’t. I was only twenty-eight, but I looked much older at that particular moment, and I felt at least eighty.
The hot water scalded me when I stepped into the shower, and I quickly turned it down before closing my eyes and letting the water run over my head and face. My thoughts assaulted me from all directions, and it was nearly impossible to sort through them all at once. With a roar, I hit the shower wall with both fists, leaving them resting where they landed, and pressed my forehead to the cool tile. Tears, which I tried to deny, ran from my eyes, mixing with the rivulets of water.
AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO reach Mason, I gave up and told the doctor to let the ultrasound technician know I was ready. I was disappointed because I had hoped he would be back in time for me to tell him about the baby and for him to be here to see it.
Due to my still “fragile state”—the doc’s words, not mine—the doctor didn’t want me going down to the imaging department and instead was having the tech bring the ultrasound machine to my room. Steph was still sitting with me holding my hand as we watched, but paid little attention to, something on the Food Network. If nothing else, at least I had her with me.
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