by KB Alan
Drew didn’t bother to respond, just took a cookie and offered it to Emma. For her part, Emma remained quiet, an irritated look on her face that he couldn’t interpret well enough to decide if it was with him or for him, though he strongly suspected the latter. She made no move to slow him down when he barely waited for their undrunk tea to cool before taking her hand and standing.
“Well, this was nice, Ma, we’ll have to do it again sometime.”
His mother didn’t respond to his sarcasm. He walked back to the door by way of the living room, his short farewell to his father garnering a grunted goodbye. Without asking whether Emma still wanted to go or not, he drove them to the restaurant he’d promised to take her to for lunch. Neither said much on the drive, or as they were ushered to their seats.
“Well,” Emma said at last. “That was hard to understand.”
He shrugged. “That was reality.”
She nodded and stuck her head in the menu.
Deciding not to push things if she didn’t want to, he put his attention the menu as well, though he didn’t think he could eat a single bite. Fuck, he was nervous, couldn’t remember ever being nervous like this before. Maybe when he had his job interview for the department?
He’d fully intended to shock Emma with, as he’d said, the reality of his parents. He’d been somewhat prepared for her to admit to the defeat of their relationship, though he realized now that had been stupid. Emma wasn’t that fickle or easily defeated, and he’d known that. He supposed it had been equal parts hope and fear, and all parts irrational. So be it. He’d move on from here. But, since she was still his, and she was distressed, he needed to make it better. Not the least because he’d been the one to bring about the situation.
Because he’d chosen the seat next to her, across the corner, rather than across the table, he was perfectly situated to rest his hand along the back of her neck, made enticingly convenient to him since she was tipped down, reading the menu. She stilled for a heartbeat, then resumed her reading without verbal comment. But her muscles relaxed under his motionless fingers. When she drew in a deep breath, he stroked his thumb idly along the strong column of her neck.
She relaxed even further, darting him a small smile before returning her attention to the menu. When she set it aside, she raised her head and moved back against the chair seat carefully, obviously not wanting to disturb his hand.
“What have you decided on?” he asked.
“Do you like artichokes? I would love to share the starter.”
“Sure, I can do that.”
“I’ve heard that the sauce on the pork tenderloin is amazing, so I’ll try that. What are you getting?”
“Steak.”
She laughed, leaned in and kissed his cheek.
And…it was all right. They were all right. Which made talking about it a lot less of a chore than he’d been expecting. But meant that everything he’d figured he’d need to say was out the window. He really had no idea what he needed to say. What she needed to hear.
“I have to tell you, baby, I have no idea what to do next.”
“That’s okay, honey. I’ll walk you through it. First, the waiter should be coming by at any second to ask us our order. We’ll go ahead and tell him what we want—mmmph.”
She broke off when the hand he had on the back of her neck brought her to him and he covered her mouth with his, hard. He only stopped when he sensed a presence nearing the table, and he did so reluctantly. The dazed look on Emma’s face and the lightening in his heart at her joke somehow made the previous hour just disappear. It no longer mattered to him at all.
When they’d eaten, and Emma was spooning ice cream to him even though he’d said he didn’t want dessert, she paused, looked at him for a minute.
“It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around what I just saw. Parents treating their child like that. Was that how it was when you were a kid?”
He resisted the instinct to evade the question or maneuver her into a different conversation. Thought back to his childhood. “It was different before my dad was laid off. We weren’t exactly an ideal family, far from it. I guess they were always sort of indifferent to me and my brother.”
“Not active in the PTA, I take it?”
He managed a choked laugh. “No, and they didn’t sign us up for soccer or little league, either. When he was working there just wasn’t a lot of interaction. We’d eat dinner together most nights, then everyone would go do their own thing. But once he was home all day, every day, with my mom, it just went to shit. I guess they finally realized they didn’t much like each other. It started with small arguments and being snippy, until it was just like two roommates forced to live together, no love, no respect, but no intention of changing the situation.”
“But how did they treat you guys?”
“There wasn’t hitting, or even verbal abuse. Nothing like that. We mostly stayed out of their way.”
She frowned, shook her head. “I think I get it now. You don’t see a future for us because you just really can’t imagine it, not in any way that is good. I don’t see an end for us, because I just can’t imagine it, I see so much good in what we have. If we both understand that, and we proceed on the assumption that for the foreseeable future, all is good, then let’s just leave it at that for now.”
He blinked at her, was pretty sure he’d followed along with her logic. “But you’re leaving in less than six months.”
“It’s true that six months is foreseeable, but it’s also a fair ways away. If you’re willing to move forward for the now, I am too. Think of how much things have changed in the last six months. I don’t think it’s a good idea to make decisions right now about how we’ll be feeling then.”
It all seemed to make sense to him, but then so had their first relationship discussion, and look how that had turned out. Although, as she’d pointed out, it had changed, but not because either of them had done something wrong or bad. It had just changed because things, feelings, they had changed. So he took her hand, kissed her fingers and whispered okay into her ear. The soft look on her face was one he always liked to see.
“I was thinking I’d send my brother an email, tell him next time he’s on leave he should be sure to come by for a visit.”
Her whole face lit up.
“That doesn’t mean he’ll be interested,” he cautioned.
She just rolled her eyes at him and took another bite of her ice cream.
He got her home and barely made it into the living room before his need for her overwhelmed him. He had her against the wall by the front door and then on the couch before hauling her upstairs and licking and sucking her until she came with an exhausted wail. As she slept in his arms, he couldn’t help but wonder what the hell he’d gotten himself into. He tried to convince himself that the feeling of unease was natural for someone who hadn’t been in this situation before. Perfectly natural. No problems. And there was no denying that it was less uncomfortable than the nerves he’d been feeling when he wasn’t sure she’d want to move forward.
It was a long time before he joined her in sleep.
Chapter Eighteen
Emma spent the next few weeks in a daze of happiness. She focused all of her attention and energies on enjoying the now. Any time her mind turned to the future, to graduation, she refused to allow it. In some respects, things hadn’t really changed much between her and Drew. They spent the same type of time together, though he did go out with her and her roommates once. The girls had been a little intimidated at first, but he’d made an effort to charm them, which hadn’t taken long to accomplish. He’d come by the coffee shop a couple of times as well, but it still made much more sense for them to get together at his house, rather than her apartment.
He was, however, more demonstrative, holding her hand or wrapping his arm around her shoulders. They still spent the majority of their time at his house, but he no longer seemed reticent about taking her out in Jackson.
The only slightly sour n
ote was that he hadn’t introduced her to any of his friends, other than Toby. As far as she could tell, however, he wasn’t much in the habit of hanging out with guys from the department. He seemed to not care about hooking up with any of his friends from his club in Boston. When he finally made mention of going to a poker game on a night she’d told him she had to work on a group project, she asked him why he hadn’t been going regularly. His answer that he would rather spend the time with her was sweet, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was still shy about introducing her to his friends.
Since she was on closing shift with Taryn and the other workers had gone home, she gathered up her courage and brought it up.
Taryn rolled her eyes at Emma. “Oh please, I don’t think that’s a you thing, I think that’s a guy thing. They just don’t make the effort to get together, or think to make plans. And once they’re married, they bitch about the plans you make for them, even though they enjoy doing whatever it is that you make them do.”
“Huh.”
“Seriously. I’m impressed he even has a poker night, though obviously he’s cool with abandoning his guys in favor of nookie with you.”
Emma laughed and felt relief. It was weird to her not to have that social connection, but it sort of made sense the way Taryn explained it. Now that she thought about it, she couldn’t quite imagine Drew calling a buddy up to plan a bar excursion like she did with her girlfriends.
Letting her worry drop away, she focused on getting the shop closed out so she could go home to her man.
A week later, she realized she hadn’t quite let it go all the way when she asked Drew about his birthday while they were getting into bed.
“Honey, do you want me to plan something for your birthday? You’re working, right, but maybe we could do something the next night?”
“Sure, baby. Does it involve you wearing a special outfit?”
She laughed. “If you want that, I’m sure I can come up with something, but I meant outside the house, non-sex related.”
“If you want to go out to dinner, we can do that.”
Propping up on her elbow, she frowned at him.
“You don’t want to do anything with your friends? Your poker buddies? Anyone?”
“If you want to go out to dinner, we can do that,” he repeated.
It hit her then, as she watched him, her heart squeezing so tight she had to draw in a careful breath.
Slowly, carefully, she tried to make sense of her epiphany.
“You weren’t lying when you told me it wasn’t about me, about getting close to me, specifically. It is you. You won’t let anyone in. You’ve let me in farther than you meant to, but even that’s a minor miracle. You let Toby and his wife in a long time ago, so you’re stuck with him, and the fact that you lost her just reinforces your decision not to form relationships. You don’t want more. You’re done.”
He remained perfectly still as she spoke, still and quiet.
“You refuse to live with love because of the fear of loss. I don’t know how much of that I’m going to be able to watch, Drew. I’ve had loss. I miss Michael every day. But that just makes it more important to love and be loved. I wish I could make you see that, because I love you.”
His arms tightened around her, but it was a long while before he spoke.
“You’re asking me to change who I am. I don’t need a ton of friends. I’m just more choosy than you. I’m not closed-off.”
She didn’t answer and eventually they drifted off to sleep. She had no idea what he was thinking, but she was wondering how long she’d be able to sit around and watch him close himself off. And if there was any reason to keep fighting for their relationship when school would be over in two months and he was giving her no reason to think that she should stay.
****
Driving home from Drew’s late at night because she had an early study date the next morning, she had a hard time stilling her mind. Drew had offered to come to her instead, but she’d said no. It had been a few weeks since their talk, if you could even call it a talk. When she was with him, she found it easy to be with him, in the now, loving their time together. Loving him. She hadn’t told him again, but they both knew it.
When she was away from him, she threw herself wholeheartedly into her studies, because she didn’t want to think about the reality that was bearing down on her. But on a quiet drive, her body happily sated but her mind a whirlwind, she had little choice. He was afraid to have a future with her. With anyone. Afraid of the loss, or that the relationship would become the travesty that was his parents’. She was certain that part of him knew that was his parents and didn’t have to have anything to do with how he chose to live his life. But deep down, he was scarred. And scared. And she had no idea if he would be able to get past that enough to fight for them.
Her parents had booked their flights for her graduation ceremony. Taryn and Richard had said they would come. She hadn’t even mentioned it to Drew. Didn’t know what to say, what she could ask for. What she should ask for. Whenever she talked to her parents, she thought about asking how they felt about the idea of her not coming back to work the store. To eventually take over so that they could retire. But she never quite got the question out, partially because she was afraid of their answer, but mostly because she didn’t think there was a future here worth changing her whole life plan for. Not if Drew didn’t agree.
Graduation was supposed to be an exciting new beginning, the start of the rest of her life. And the idea of it made her nauseous. Something had to give and soon, and she was afraid she knew exactly what that something was. Pulling into the parking lot of her apartment building, she rested her forehead on the steering wheel. She needed to get inside, get some sleep. She picked up her phone, stared at it for a minute, then typed in I love you as a text to Drew. Then she deleted it, grabbed her purse and went into her apartment.
She wrote a long email to Toby, vomiting out her fears and worries, her opinion on Drew’s emotional state and her concerns about his future. Then she deleted the message and sent him a joke instead.
****
Drew was at the end of what had felt like a very long shift when he checked his phone. He saw two missed calls from Emma and a voicemail. A stab of uneasiness hit him when he saw there were no texts from her. Since she’d told him she loved him, and he hadn’t responded, he’d been anticipating…something. He didn’t know what, exactly, but he knew that while she was happy they were together, she wasn’t totally happy and it was his fault. He just didn’t know what he could do about it.
Other than change who he was, which could only end up backfiring on both of them.
He called up the voicemail as he reached his car.
“Hi, Drew. I’m about to head out to the airport. They think maybe Dad’s had a heart attack. I—my roommate is taking me. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I’ll send you a message when I get there, but I don’t think I’ll be calling. Hospitals, and all that.” Her voice was full of choked-back sobs and Drew’s hand was clenching the phone so hard he had to force himself to pull back for fear of breaking it before he could hear the rest of her message.
“And I just—I don’t know—I think maybe it would be best if we just end this now. Like I said, I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, then finals are in six weeks and I need to focus on that. I—you—well, anyway, I’m sure you’ve been waiting for the right time to tell me the same thing, so we might as well do this now. Thanks for everything, Drew. I have to go.”
The last part was rushed, as if she could no longer expect to hold back the tears and felt she had to hang up before letting them free. He stood at his car door, so many emotions washing through him that he couldn’t even name them all. Fear for what she was going through with her father. She was close to her parents, he didn’t want her to suffer that loss. Despair that she hadn’t thought she could ask him to go with her, to help her through this. Hadn’t even asked him for a ride to the airport. He checked the mess
age time. She’d left it fifteen minutes ago, known he was going off shift. But she hadn’t asked. No, she’d actually broken up with him.
He tried her cell phone but she didn’t answer. And what, exactly, was he going to say to her? She needed to focus on her father right now, not on him. Not on the pain that was making hard knots in his stomach. He got in the car and headed for home. Jesus, she was hurting, scared, and she’d broken up with him rather than reach out to him. And it was all his fault. There was no question of that. She’d told him she loved him and he hadn’t even responded. She’d told him he needed to let love in and he’d said she shouldn’t try to change him.
He was an idiot. A complete, fucking idiot. He hadn’t told her he’d spent an hour at the jewelry store, trying to find her exactly the right graduation gift. Hadn’t told her that on the nights she wasn’t at his house, he found himself spending hours online looking at police openings in cities near her parents. Hell, he hadn’t even admitted to himself what those things meant, pretended that he was just idly surfing the internet.
Complete.
Fucking.
Idiot.
Driving a little bit faster than he should, he made good time to his house and raced inside.
****
There had never been a longer flight home than the one Emma had just gotten off. She had managed not to spend the entire time in tears, but she was sure her seatmates were wary and they left her alone. Not having checked a bag, she was rolling her carry-on out the doors only minutes after they deplaned.
She spotted her mother at once, and was surprised, having expected another relative or friend.
“Mom!” she called, launching herself into her mother’s arms. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at the hospital? Is Dad—”
“He’s fine, sweetheart. He’s going to be fine. It wasn’t a heart attack, it was pancreatitis.”
That still sounded bad to her, but her mother had said he’d be fine. She burst into tears. The relief was just too immense to hold inside. Her mother wrapped her in her arms and gave her soft, soothing words until she got herself under control. Finally she realized that the longer they were there, the more time her father was in the hospital without them.