by Leesa Harker
Then Mr Big senior laughed an said, ‘You are a naughty one, Margaret.’
And I was mortified. Then I thought to myself, Big Billy Scriven’s not much younger than Mr Big senior, so I gave my tits a quick shake in his face just for the laugh. I could still hear him laughin when we were walkin to the taxi.
On the train on the way back, Mr Big was dead quiet again an I think maybe I overdid it with the shakin the tits at his dad an the fanny-farts. So I asked him if he would come back to my flat to stay the night, an he said no an my heart broke. He got me a taxi at Lime Street station and, as I drove away, I tried one more time an flashed my tits at him through the window. But he just waved at me. So I sat back in the seat an looked out at the world whizzing by. Everybody seemed to be in pairs. And then there was me, like a little dropped glove, lying in the street. And I thought, am I always going to be like this? On my own, getting used for sex, and then sent home in a taxi?
Then the taxi driver said, ‘Put them tits away, love, or I’ll be runnin us into a wall.’
So I pulled my top back down an then I sat an told him all about Mr Big. The whole story from our meetin at the Dole, to my nips gettin abused by my new top. So, after ages sittin outside the Flats, he finally let me go. He thought he was on to a winner with the meter tickin while I told him my troubles, but the twenty I gave him was a fake, so I got six pound change back into the bargain. Result!
Then I got into my flat an I was so depressed about Mr Big not wantin to spend the night with me, I rang Big Sally-Ann to tell her. I told her about Mr Big’s mum an dad’s house an the jacuzzi an she said it all sounded too good to be true. Then I told her about Mr Big not wantin me to touch him an that he wouldn’t stay with me an that I was lonely, an she said that’s not on. ‘I’ll be there in ten with White Lightning and Columbo.
An I thought to myself, my man may be a cold-hearted twat, but my bezzy mate’s the fuckin dog’s bollocks.
Nine-to-five Hell
The next day, I woke up top-an-tailed with Big Sally-Ann. An that’s worse than it sounds, cos her feet are the size of breeze blocks, an they smell of cheese an sweat. An she is the length of the bed, so her feet were restin on my pillow right beside my head. It was like bein brought round with smellin salts. So I got up to make us a bacon sandwich when I heard my phone beepin.
It was Mr Big sendin me a text message: ‘Margaret, you are going to get a phone call from the Job Centre. Don’t be alarmed; it’s nothing to do with me. You have just been selected, along with a few others, to go on a trial work placement in Tesco. I’ll try to get you off because I need you to save all your energy for me. Just go along with it for now.’
So here’s my text back, ‘You’d better get me off, babe. I’m not standin up there packin bags for grannies that stink of piss.’
Later that day, I got the call an had to report to the Dole the followin day or my benefits would be stopped. But the best thing was that Big Sally-Ann had been called in too, so at least I had company – an we trotted off together to the Dole. We were ragin havin to get up at eight o’clock. That’s still the middle of the night for us. Especially cos Big Sally-Ann sits up to the small hours watchin Prisoner Cell Block H reruns. I think she secretly has a crush on some of those prisoner women but I’ve never said anything to her about it. When we got there, Mr Big was lookin all shifty. An I thought to myself, somethin’s not right here. Didn’t feel any better when we all got called in separately to hear about our work placements. I got some skinny, flat-chested bitch who was talkin down to me like I was some kinda peasant. But I just said, ‘Yeah,’ in the right places, an I could tell she wanted a reaction but I was still in that dreamy after-sex phase where you don’t give a fuck about anythin. Then when I got out, Mr Big dragged me into a corner an I thought to myself, OMG, he wants me in the Dole. Now, it wouldn’t be the first time. Sure I rode the security guard in the back corner behind the phonebox so he could put me to the front of the queue one time.
But, no, it wasn’t a shag Mr Big was after. Sure didn’t he tell me that the flat-chested freak, Deirdre, was his ex an she was out to get me cos she was mad with jealousy! Sure I was ragin. But Mr Big promised to sort her out an in the meantime I had to go up to Tesco with a bunch of dicks an work. Actually work! So I went outside to have a smoke an told Big Sally-Ann all about it. She wanted to wring Deirdre’s neck but then the minibus pulled up for us an she got sight of the driver an it was lust at first sight – for her anyway. His name was Igor an he was from Transylvania. She sat up front with him talkin while I sat at the back with the others. They were young ones, and they were all travellers from that site at Tara Park, but that didn’t bother me, we were all in it together – it was us against the Dole. There were plans discussed about contaminatin food, spillin milk on floors so the customers would slip, an other things to make Tesco sack us all on the first day. One girl, Sinead, put herself forward as the leader.
So we all got into Tesco an Big Sally-Ann swapped numbers with Igor an then he left an said he’d be back to pick us up at five o’clock. A whole eight hours to spend in a shop! I felt sick. Sinead got to work causin havoc right away but I got stuck in the storeroom checkin that none of the eggs in boxes were cracked. Well, after about half an hour, I got bored of the eggs, an Sinead had been taken off the floor an sent to pack bags cos of her bad behaviour. I heard the manager screamin about wafer-thin ham in boxes of cornflakes, an Sinead pole-dancin round a fresh baguette. So I decided to text Mr Big. I started with a cheeky one sayin I was bitin my lip, an one thing led to another an I ended up sex-textin him. Now, I was deffo a pro at this. Me an Big Sally-Ann worked on one of those sex chat-lines for a while. So I knew how to get a man from flop to splat in minutes. Problem was, you had to keep the men on the phone for as long as possible to get the money off them, so we got sacked. Too sexy for the job. An it was workin a treat on Mr Big. I was tellin him about me havin a fiddle in the storeroom, an he was tellin me about him havin a fiddle under his desk at the Dole. And then he asked me to text him some pictures. So I took my knickers off an set a few eggs on the floor, then squatted over them so that the Muff was on show.
Then I took the pic an sent it with a text sayin, ‘Look what I’ve laid ... hope it’s you I’m layin later.’
Then he texted back, ‘You are naughty, Margaret. I may have to spank you later. One more pic and make it a good one.’
So I was still squattin over the eggs, thinkin of doin somethin filthy with a bottle of Cillit Bang when the manager came in with Sinead.
The manager looked shocked, but Sinead just burst out laughin. An I said to them, ‘Just keepin the eggs warm – all part of the service, babe.’
An then the manager started yellin an shoutin at us, an the three of us were in a fit of giggles. So he rang down to the Dole an gets them to send the bus for us. But Big Sally-Ann is nowhere to be found. Then, Igor arrives an Big Sally-Ann is already on the bus, an I can tell from her rosy cheeks an the state of her hair that she’s somehow sneaked out of Tesco an has been ridin Igor. So I high-fived her an we headed back to the Dole.
Well, Deirdre-No-Diddies was furious when she saw us back already. Mr Big winked at me as we were told not to come back to work an that we were bein kept on the Dole for now. Me an Sinead swapped numbers an said we’d meet up again, maybe for a night out, an I wished she lived nearer cos she’s great. But that’s just the way it is. Then, as we’re leavin, Mr Big gives me a cheeky nip on the arse an whispers, ‘See you later, sexy.’
An I walked out of there drippin like a water tap.
Doggin in the Docks
Big Sally-Ann is one dark horse. Her an Igor were down at the docks doggin while me an Sinead were workin hard in Tesco! I couldn’t believe it. She told me all about it back at my flat later that day. He had told her to go into Tesco an then say she was on her moons an had to go to the bog, an then he would be waitin for her at the fire exit. I thought to myself that it sounded like he’d done this before, but I didn’t wan
t to spoil Big Sally-Ann’s ride – she seemed to really like Igor. So he picked her up from the fire exit an took her to the docks. Then he parked down some road where all the trucks were. Then she said they were like wild animals, rippin each other’s clothes off an makin love on all the seats of the bus. And, yes, she said, ‘makin love’. Then he trailed her off the bus an had her up against the side of it. She had told him to watch in case they were caught, but he said it added to the thrill an she just went with it!
She said Igor was huge too. As big as Long Schlong Silver, the stripper that we saw in Benidorm last year. Sure he had got Big Sally-Ann up on to the stage an made her slap sun-cream all over his wilbert. An I think his plan was to swing it about an flick the sun-cream all over her. But before you could say ‘factor fifty’, she was squirtin the cream all over him. An he almost died – it was in his long hair, in his eyes an everythin. She’s terrible when she gets started. In the end, a bouncer had to pluck her off him an we were told not to go back to that bar. The stripper was cryin an everythin. It was his own fault – that’s what you get for pickin on a quiet-lookin one.
But the sight of Big Sally-Ann gettin thrust up the side of a minibus attracted the attention of the truckers an before they knew it, there was a crowd gotherin so Igor took her back into the bus to save her modesty. An Big Sally-Ann was laid out on the aisle of the bus, gettin the shag of her life from Igor an when she was just about to explode into a million pieces with orgasmic glee, instead of shoutin, ‘Oh Igor!’ like a normal person, she shouts, ‘youuuuu raaaanngggggg?’ in her best Transylvanian accent. Her biggest fantasy is gettin shagged an bit on the neck by Dracula. An big Igor is as close as she’ll ever get to that. Like Dracula’s little brother – a bit less sexy, an a bit less cunning, but still rideable. But she said after they were done, he was all romantic an took her for a pint an a prawn sandwich.
An I said, ‘True love, Sally-Ann. Will I buy a hat?’
‘No – he’s only here temporary. He has to go back to Transylvania soon.’
Then I felt sorry for her cos she’s never really liked a man before. She only just rid them for the sake of it. Then she got a text from Igor an her face lit up an I thought to myself, now he may like a bit of outdoorsy sex an he’s probably going to get sent back to Transylvania soon, but I was happy for Big Sally-Ann. An as she was textin back an gigglin to herself, I thought about my man, Mr Big. I couldn’t believe that me an Big Sally-Ann actually had boyfriends, even though mine wanted to whip the tripe out of me an hers was into doggin. Mr Big had said he’d be spankin me later that night an I was ready for it. I was thinkin I was gonna answer the door to him butt-naked an bendin over – a vertical smile to greet him.
So, after Big Sally-Ann went, I got up to tidy the place. I washed my Paris Hilton bedsheets (I had to, cos they were about to crack in the middle) an then I hoovered, dusted, polished an emptied the ashtrays, all ten of them. Then I got to look at myself in the mirror, an I said to myself, now your turn, so I had a bath. An that’s somethin I never do durin the week – I have a bath every Saturday, whether I need it or not. But I wanted to be nice an fresh for gettin a whippin off my boyfriend that night. I thought about gettin a wax but the salon near my flat was full of Barbie dolls an I didn’t want them gawkin at the Muff, an besides, it was like a pet to me now – I couldn’t get rid of it just like that. My muff’s for life, not just for Christmas. So I put on a black dress that you could see my arse in when I bent over, an red lipstick that I nicked in the chemist an I was ridealicious.
I had a drop of vodka to help with the pain I was about to get, an I sat an waited for Mr Big, my arse twitchin at the thought of what was to come. An I was ding-a-lingin all right.
Music to My Ears
But just as I was beginning to wonder where he was, Mr Big texted to say he was sendin a taxi for me an I was to go to his flat instead. I was a bit pissed off after all the cleanin that I’d done especially for him. But then I rang Big Sally-Ann an told her if she wanted to, she could bring Igor into my flat an shag him there, cos lyin on concrete in the street gives you piles. Well, that’s what my mum always said, and her arsehole’s like a vineyard. Big Sally-Ann promised to clean all the jiz up so I said fine.
I bounced from the taxi up to Mr Big’s apartment an flung the door open an he was standin in the middle of the room, shirtless, his chest like a brick shithouse, his muscles flexin, an with just those chinos on. An I was gushin, like Niagara Falls. He was the biggest ride I’d ever seen. I went over to him an he led me straight to the red room of pain, shuttin the door behind us.
Then he said to me, ‘Now Margaret, you were a bad girl today. You must be punished. Strip.’
So I said, ‘Yes, sir,’ an took the lot off in about ten seconds flat. Then he sat on the edge of the big bed an told me to lie face down. So I climbed on to the bed an shoved my baps in his face on the way past, but he just ignored them, an I realised that he must have somethin special in store for me. He started to tie my hands an feet to the bed an I said to him, ‘I wonder how small people have a bondage shag – they’d be too small to stretch out on the bed.’
‘You just need a longer rope.’
‘Please don’t tell me you’ve been ridin dwarfs in this bed.’
An he laughed an said, ‘I don’t talk about the past.’
An then I knew that he had. Oh my God. And then he put a pair of headphones on me. He said, ‘It’s all about control, I want to control what you hear and feel.’
An I said, ‘Have you got any Lady Gaga there?’
But he started playin some crazy opera music that’s like music to kill yourself to. An I was about to complain when I felt a massive slap to my arse, an what with not knowin it was comin, it was too much of a shock to really hurt. Then he did it again an again an I started to know when they were comin cos every time I heard the twat on the violin go beserk I got a wallopin by Mr Big. An then I started to count the slaps. An I think this musta been turnin him on cos in between slaps he was strokin my arse an the Muff was gettin a tickle too. Then, the music stopped an he untied me an we went for it like two maniacs all over the bed an the floor. We even had a go on the swing, but after bits of dust an cement started comin down from the ceiling, we moved off that an back to the big bed.
Then, after we were done, I was lyin on his chest an lookin at the scars on him an he said, ‘Don’t look at me, I can’t stand it.’
Then I told him that he’s a big ride but he just smiled. Then I said to him, ‘So tell me, did you play “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go,” on the earphones for the dwarf when you were smackin the hole off her?’ Then he just laughed an said it was time for me to go. So I said, ‘Maybe we could just stay here? Just for the night?’ But I felt him tense up an I knew it was a no, so I just got dressed an left, an I could tell he was as annoyed as I am at his fucked-up-ness.
So I got into the flat to find Big Sally-Ann an Igor naked an havin a dirty ride up against my flat window. I thought to myself, fuck me, if he’s not doin it outside, he has to be lookin out the window!
He was too busy goin at it to notice me, but Big Sally-Ann nodded at me an said, ‘I left you half a beef chow mein in the microwave, babe.’
So I said thanks and sauntered into the kitchen to heat it up. When I got back into the livin room, they were still goin strong, an Igor was shoutin, ‘Zally-Ann, Zally-Ann!’ An her eyes were rollin in her head as he’s ridin her further up the window, so I just sauntered on into my bedroom to eat in there an left them to it. I was a bit worried that the weight of the two of them pushin against the window would crack it open an they’d end up fallin into the street. But they were havin too much fun to interrupt them for a health an safety talk. An then again, Big Sally-Ann might want to get her arm broken or somethin to get a claim cos she was torturin me about gettin the money up for a fag run. An the last time she’d needed a bit of cash quick, she’d run out on the road in front of a bin lorry an got concussion from whackin her head off the r
oad. So I left them to it an I sat on my bed an started to eat the Chinese.
Then, I got a text from Mr Big that said, ‘I’m sorry for being like this. I will come and stay the night with you tomorrow, I promise.’ An I was so excited I spat out the noodles in my mouth an yelled, ‘Yesssss! Yesssss!’ just as Big Sally-Ann next door was screamin, ‘Yeesssss! Yesssss! Yyoooouuuuu rrraaannnggg?’
An Ice-cream Poke
The next day I could hardly contain myself with thinkin about Mr Big comin to stay the night with me. I couldn’t concentrate on Jeremy Kyle enough even to work out if the chavs were lyin or not, an I always guess it right. Big Sally-Ann an Igor had stayed the night on my sofa an I woke up to him growlin an her wailin an I knew they were at it again. An I was a bit annoyed, like, cos there was Igor only with her a few days an already spendin the night, an Mr Big was only just thinkin about it now. But better late than never.
So, after Igor left, Big Sally-Ann an me had a bacon sambo an a smoke an I got the lowdown on their relationship. She was in love with him an he had said he loved her too. Then he had said he was probably gonna have to leave the country within weeks an Big Sally-Ann was gutted about that. I was a bit worried about where the relationship was gonna go myself cos I’d heard on the radio that some twat had been fixin marriages to get his family into England. An when he ran out of women to agree to be brides for him, he used to get the men to come here on holiday, shag needy women an then propose to them. Then the women that got married were dumped as soon as the men got in the country. I was gonna have to keep my eye on the big girl, cos she was smitten.