He kept staring at the sketch I’d made on the front of the card which featured a boy and a girl holding hands and walking by a beach. Except Yo-didun, nobody knew I was good at sketching.
‘It’s brilliant. And the guy looks exactly like me,’ he quipped.
‘It’s you, Neel.’
He immediately gave me a weird glance. It was weird because it did to me what nothing else ever did till then. I felt like I was dropping from a height, in slow motion, onto a velvet air-bed. I intentionally steered my words a bit in another direction.
‘It’s a card for you. So you need to feature in it,’ I said holding another spoonful of soup to his mouth. He sucked it all in, glaring at me. I purposely looked elsewhere in the room and noticed a few bouquets and a card on the table where the medicines were kept. A specific heart-shaped card. He followed my gaze.
‘Avni couldn’t come yesterday, so she sent the Archies’ card and those flowers for me.’
The fact that I had visited Neel in the hospital before Avni made me feel victorious in a stupid way even though her card had reached before mine.
‘How is it going with Avni?’ I asked deliberately.
‘The usual,’ he said. I kept the soup bowl aside since he was done drinking it. He wiped his mouth with a napkin. He could have said ‘it was going great’ or something like that, but he said a dull ‘usual’. Was he trying to lead me somewhere?
‘You guys are so much in love!’ My tongue burnt when those words escaped my mouth, but I had to say it to get to where he was leading me, if at all.
‘We are in a pact. Not love. We are family friends. And our wedding card was printed by our parents even before we were born.’
‘You don’t love her?’
‘I was never allowed to experience love. In fact, I’m never allowed to choose things for myself. Things are accepted and rejected in my life according to my parents’ taste. The only thing I truly relate to and have chosen for myself is music.’
I looked at him. He was staring at the ceiling as if pondering about something disturbing. The day we had walked together from tuition, he had sounded like such a rebel, but now he seemed more like a caged-rebel.
‘Just asking, do you like anyone other than Avni?’
He looked at me. I was already looking at him. I died. He knew.
His mother came in hastily informing us that Avni had called and she was coming. She said Neel’s dad was bringing her to visit him. ‘Dear, Neel shouldn’t talk much in this condition,’ she said to me.
‘I’m not sure. Maybe…’ Neel suddenly said. His mother didn’t know the context but I did. He was replying to my query now.
Do you like anyone other than Avni?
What did he mean by maybe? That I wasn’t anyone else for him anymore? But he didn’t take my name specifically. I felt as if all those nights I spent sighing and wishing for Neel hadn’t gone to waste. Each moment was not just a vague fallacy but a solid prophecy.
I took my handmade card from Neel’s side, and placed it right in front of Avni’s heart-shaped card. I liked the way it eclipsed her card. As if her card never existed.
‘Symbolic representation always goes deeper,’ our English teacher used to tell us.
Chapter 7
IS TITIKSHA REALLY HAVING AN AFFAIR?
Neel switches off his laptop and retires to bed beside Titiksha who is sound asleep.
Before typing out whatever Nivrita had narrated to him earlier in the day, Neel was sitting with his book contract for a good three hours. Just caressing, flipping, and staring at it before finally signing on it. The front of the contract had the Word Tree logo which he had seen on the spine of all their books. Neel felt lucky to have signed a book contract this quick when a few days back he was in a dilemma whether to leave his job or not.
Before switching off the laptop, Neel had called Nivrita to request if the working title—Ex—could be the actual title because he believed it was an apt one. Nivrita told him that if he doesn’t know the entire story yet, how could he say it’s an apt title? Neel was quiet. Nivrita told him that she would take a decision once the manuscript is complete. Neel agreed even though he hated the way she said it. She would take a decision! For heaven’s sake he was the one writing it (so what if it’s her story?), and thus he should be the one suggesting the title, not her.
He has been trying hard to sleep, with Titiksha next to him, but it’s as if sleep has eluded him. What would people’s reaction be once the book is out? Neel tosses around the bed as winds of excitement play with the kite of his consciousness. Would his book be an instant bestseller? Would he be featured in the major newspapers and magazines like his favourite bestselling authors? How would Titiksha react when that happens? The wave of thoughts keeps his boat afloat. When more such waves are about to come up, his phone vibrates flashing: ‘Nivrita calling’.
Neel picks up the phone, gets up, and goes to the drawing room to talk.
‘Hello,’ he whispers lest Titiksha wakes up.
‘Don’t tell me you’ve slept already?’ Nivrita sounds conspiratorial herself.
‘I was trying to sleep.’
‘Good. I just did something and wanted to share. You may have a good night’s sleep listening to this.’
‘What is it?’
‘My boy-mate and I were fucking. I blindfolded him and rode him.’
Nivrita’s knack of getting to the details without any warning never goes down well with Neel. And why does she always have to use the F-word? Why can’t she say ‘making love’ instead? Neel continues to listen projecting fake calmness.
‘But after blindfolding him, I wrote your name on his forehead with my lipstick and then fucked him. Isn’t that kinky?’
Which girlfriend would do that? Neel wonders. It’s too disgusting a thought for his morality to digest.
‘Of course I rubbed your name off before I opened his blindfold.’
‘But why would you do that?’ He had to ask her that.
‘Why? That rat is having an affair, I told you. And this is how I get back at him; by humiliating his presence in my life.’
Neel’s mind is too clogged to conjure up a reply.
‘The bugger has gone to the bathroom now. By the way, did your girlfriend tell you about it?’
‘About what?’
‘Her affair. Shit, he is coming.’ And the line went dead.
Neel shakes his head hoping this would help him forget what he just heard from Nivrita. He did tell her about Titiksha’s affair, but he doesn’t like Nivrita inquiring about it. It’s his personal life. They should talk about it when he wants to and not when she wants to. He tells himself he would not tell Nivrita anything more about Titiksha’s supposed affair.
Neel goes to the bedroom. He notices Titiksha. She is sleeping with her head turned the other way. Neel now tries to guess what Titiksha may have lied to him about, sacrificed, or accepted just to keep their relationship ticking. Even though he didn’t listen to her and abruptly resigned from the job, she still hasn’t left him. Maybe, with time, when his book becomes a bestseller, she will accept the fact that perhaps he was born to write. But to become a published author in a hurry, what has he done? Slept with a woman on the first opportunity he had? Neel feels sick in the stomach. For momentary pleasure, he cheated on his permanent happiness. Suddenly he feels Titiksha was right. He shouldn’t have left his job to become an author. And even if he wanted to become an author, he should have not fallen for the temptation that Nivrita brought with her.
‘I’m sorry Titiksha,’ he says caressing her head. She budges slightly letting out a sleepy moan. The most atrocious thing however is that Neel suspects Titiksha of infidelity. He has no proof of it yet, and he still has thoughts of her cheating on him. Why? Just because a guy came home to drop her, just because she chats with someone over the Internet without telling him who it is, and just because she says she needs some space. Perhaps he is judging her instincts on the basis of his own impulse. The way h
e slipped in front of a temptation, he thinks Titiksha too may slip likewise if an opportunity arises. That being in touch with other guys would invariably bring forth such an opportunity one day or so he thinks. What should he do? Make her his pet and lock her in the flat. Ask her to resign from her job, and be his domestic slave for the rest of his life simply because he can’t sleep beside someone who has slept with someone else? The moon of guilt is suddenly shining brightly in his dark sky of conscience. Should he wake Titiksha up and tell her everything honestly? What if she slaps him and leaves him in the dead of the night? He can take the slap but he can’t take the break-up. Nivrita anyway never looks like the kind of girl who would like to be in a relationship. She is doting on him because of two reasons: one, he was her childhood crush and second, she said she loves to ‘snatch’, which in other words means she has a thing for other’s belongings. Neel can’t believe he just weighed the possibility of Nivrita and his relationship. Enough! He has to tell Titiksha everything. He won’t be able to live with this guilt. Why should he anyway? He loves Titiksha, not Nivrita. The former is the one with whom he is trying to decorate his future. And the latter is only a tool to afford the decoration.
Neel turns on his side and wakes up Titiksha from her sleep. There’s no response. He shakes her up vigorously.
‘Get up. I need to confess something important. Please get up.’
Just then, his mobile phone vibrates with a message. He turns and picks it up from the side of his pillow. It’s from Nivrita. Don’t feel guilty, it says. Neel swallows a lump. It’s as if Nivrita is reading his mind without really being there with him. He scrolls down his phone continuing to read the full message:
What I couldn’t tell you over the phone was I saw Titiksha with a guy today in a mall. The fact that she is asleep and not interested in you tonight could well be because someone else has exhausted her. Good night handsome.
What if Titiksha is doing exactly what Nivrita is doing to her boy-mate—humiliating him by giving him clues that she is actually with another man?
‘What is it?’ Titiksha says, half-asleep.
‘Nothing. Just move a bit. The bed is not yours alone,’ Neel retorts.
‘Are you sure you saw Titiksha?’
It’s 7.15 pm. Neel and Nivrita are sitting inside the Cafe Coffee Day outlet of City Centre Mall in Salt Lake. It was Neel who requested Nivrita for a meeting. But he wanted to meet in some private place—where there would be no one but them. It was Nivrita who proposed the idea of meeting over coffee in a mall. Before this, Neel has been in a mall only a few times. The continuous noisy buzz triggered headaches in him. But he can’t say no to Nivrita. Not yet. Moreover, it was him who set up the meeting in the first place.
‘You have never been to a mall?’ Nivrita’s surprise is overt and justified considering the fact that most youngsters spend more time of the day in malls than their own home.
Neel only nods his head embarrassingly.
‘Only three-four times.’
‘Why are you so peculiar?’ she asks to which he replies with a query, ‘Are you sure you saw Titiksha?’
‘Yes, I did. Yesterday, right here in this mall. At around 7.30 in the evening.’
‘And she was with a guy?’
‘That’s what I saw. But tell me why it is a problem if she was with a guy? Men don’t get it. We women aren’t locks. We are key-rings. And a key ring has scope for a lot of keys, isn’t?’
Seeing a perplexed Neel shaking his leg furiously under the table, Nivrita adds, ‘Who knows, maybe they would be here tonight too.’
They! The mere mention of it drains all the blood out of his heart. It makes him feel as if he has been left out just like a piece of unimportant garbage even before Titiksha and he could talk about it and mutually break-off.
‘Does a relationship ever break-off? And what does it mean really?’ Neel asks Nivrita as a rebound to his inner turmoil.
For some time Nivrita looks at him mentally framing her reply.
‘Before that we need to understand why does a relationship happen? It happens when you want to know a person, when you want to be with a person, and when you want the person to want you. When a relationship is about those wants, then it definitely can break-off. Or, should I say one fine day it can possibly vanish; all those vociferously felt wants can just vanish,’ Nivrita gestures with her hand like a magician to make it sound more dramatic.
Those wants that Nivrita just talked about were there between Titiksha and him till last year. But truth be faced, Neel has come to realize more than being in love with Titiksha, he was used to her. He was used to her presence beside him in the morning and at night. He was used to the way they went about their lives. He was used to the fact that she was used to his shortcomings as a human being and that he didn’t have to justify the choices he made out of his weaknesses in front of her anymore.
So many people remain with their partner simply because they are used to their relationship, and also because they have invested time and emotions to get used to that relationship. People don’t usually understand it, but the investment of time and emotions do tire us in undecipherable ways. And flying out of that nest of exhaustion isn’t an easy task. The least Titiksha could have done was tell Neel she is exhausted. Maybe he would have made a little hue and cry but in the end he would have accepted it and let it go. Everyone lets go in the end.
‘Tell me Neel, is your love for Titiksha only love or true love?’
‘All I know is I love her.’
‘Why couldn’t you tell her that we slept in Jaipur?’
‘It’s because I love her. If I tell her the truth it won’t be good for our relationship.’
‘People think true love is about loving the same person till their death. Bull-fucking-shit! Even liars and cheats can live with the same person all their lives. I believe true love is when you have the balls to say the truth to your partner without fearing the consequence. Hiding things is also compromising the relationship in your heart.’
‘But I didn’t tell her anything because I want to keep our relationship intact. You see, I care for it.’
‘Relationship of convenience, I see,’ Nivrita smirked. ‘Human beings are too complex to carry out something as simple as love in an uncompromised manner. Would you forgive Titiksha if you discover she slept with a guy and later she tells you she didn’t inform you because she cared for your relationship?’
Neel can’t believe how cold Nivrita sounds. He wants to know what has turned her into someone like this. Or was she born this way?
‘If she is serious with the other guy, she will have to tell me. Like what we did in Jaipur was not serious. So why should I tell her and jeopardize my relationship with my girlfriend?’
Nivrita doesn’t speak anything for a few seconds. She looks around and then suddenly says, ‘What’s the time?’
‘7.25.’ Neel glances at his watch. ‘Why?’
‘Did Titiksha wear a grass-green top and a pair of white jeans?’
‘I don’t know. She was gone by the time I woke up today. But…wait a second…’ Neel turns around in a flash and says, ‘Did you just see her?’
‘Them. I saw them. They just went by,’ Nivrita gestures with her eyes towards the escalator.
Neel immediately dashes out of the coffee outlet. Nivrita follows. Their coffee remains unfinished.
Neel looks down. Nivrita joins him from behind and says, ‘Come on.’ They take the escalator together and get to the first floor. Neel is yet to see them.
‘There by the bookstore,’ Nivrita says.
Neel has no idea where the bookstore is but simply follows Nivrita into the escalator and reaches the ground floor.
‘This way!’
They take a left and pass by the small bookstore and eventually move out of the Block A of the mall via a glass door and are now into the open.
Neel looks to his left and sees the entry of a Shopper’s Stop store. He ambles ahead trying to look inside th
e store. Nivrita meanwhile looks to her right.
‘I think I just saw her grass-green top.’
‘Where?’ Neel turns and comes close to Nivrita and tries to follow her gaze.
‘They just took the stairs to Block B.’
Neel thinks he saw a glimpse of the grass-green top. Without waiting for Nivrita to move, he scampers ahead. This time she follows him. They have difficulty running at full speed because of the crowd. After crossing three-four stores on either side they reach the Block B stairs. They climb up. Ahead of Neel is a KFC outlet and to the left is a Club bag store.
Breathing fast Neel is feeling desperate to see if Titiksha is actually roaming around with a guy.
‘Were they touching each other?’ Neel shoots at Nivrita. She turns at him.
‘Touching?’
Neel shakes his head slightly. ‘I mean were they holding hands or something like that.’
‘He had his hand around her waist.’
Patience is history now for Neel.
‘What do we do now? I can’t see anyone in a grass-green top.’
‘Let’s split up. Call me if you see them. I will do the same.’
‘Okay.’
Nivrita takes the left towards the bag store while Neel goes ahead towards the KFC outlet. He carefully surveys the inside through the glass door outside. A guard opens the door and says, ‘Please come in sir.’
‘No, it’s okay.’ The outlet is crowded. Neel feels better outside.
‘Neel!’
He turns in a flash and sees Nivrita gesturing him to come up. He does. They take few steps crossing the Club bag store when Nivrita shows her thumb toward the left and says, ‘In there.’
Neel looks up. Gents washroom.
‘I want to see Titiksha not the guy.’
‘They are both in there.’
Inside the gents’ washroom? What the fuck! Neel doesn’t know if he is simply angry or feeling devastatingly humiliated.
‘I think you should go in. I’ll wait for you here,’ Nivrita suggests.
EX Page 11