by Julian Clary
Contents
Cover
Copyright
More Books
Dedication
Title Page
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Mr Bold's Jokes
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Epub ISBN 9781787612167
First published in Great Britain in 2021 by Andersen Press Ltd, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road, London SWIV 2SA www.andersenpress.co.uk
Text Copyright © Julian Clary, 2021
Illustration Copyright © David Roberts, 2021
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.
The rights of Julian Clary and David Roberts to be identified as the author and Illustrator of this work have been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data available
Look out for other books
by Julian Clary & David Roberts:
The Bolds
The Bolds to the Rescue
The Bolds on Holiday
The Bolds in Trouble
The Bolds Go Wild
The Bolds’ Christmas Cracker (a festive puzzle book)
The Bolds’ Great Adventure (a World Book Day book)
For
Charlie and Harriet
JC
For
Kirsten Grant
DR
Would you believe me if I said I had never done anything wrong? It’s true! I am as good as gold. (Unless we count that time I scratched ‘JULIAN CLARY WOZ HERE!’ on my school desk with a compass. But really, I was only stating a fact as I woz there. And as things have turned out and I am now a famous writer of children’s books, that desk with my autograph on will be worth a LOT of money, I imagine. So there.)
But lately I’ve been wondering... is it possible to do something right, but still be wrong?
Suppose the person you were sitting next to at school was miserable because their hamster had died and you told them their hamster had gone to Heaven or you offered to buy them a new one. Then the teacher told you off because you were talking in class and gave you a detention. Were you doing something right or wrong? It isn’t always an easy question to answer, is it?
I was once in Regent’s Park’s formal flower garden, admiring the red-hot pokers (or kniphofia, if you’re posh) and a woman sitting on a bench was distraught because the silk scarf, which her daughter had given her for Christmas, had blown away and landed in the middle of a rosebed. I retrieved it for her, even though it meant walking on the grass and ignoring the Do Not Walk on the Grass sign. The woman was very grateful and thanked me with tears in her eyes. I felt sure I had done the right thing. But the park-keeper saw me on the grass and was quite angry about it. Veins standing out on his forehead and all that sort of thing.
‘That sign is there for a reason, young man!’ he shouted. (I was young at the time, before you say anything.)
So, tell me, what should I have done? Tell the woman she couldn’t have her scarf back? Or break the park rules and reunite her with her precious top-of-the-range neckwear?
I don’t know the answer. But it may be that this conflict between right and wrong is what this book will be about. (I don’t know yet as I’ve only just started writing it. More news on this as I get it.) Let’s talk about the Bolds.
At Number 41 Fairfield Road, the twins, Bobby and Betty Bold, had just got home from school with their best friend Minnie.
‘How was the last day of term?’ asked Mrs Bold – they were now on their Easter break.
‘Well, we’ve got some important news,’ said Betty. ‘Bobby and I are going to be Green Monitors for the whole school next term!’
‘Gosh, that’s wonderful,’ said Mrs Bold, a little surprised. Her children, delightful as they were, didn’t often get chosen for positions of responsibility. They were, as she well knew, a little inclined to silliness and easily distracted.
‘We have to go on patrol!’ Bobby informed her. ‘We check that no one has thrown rubbish on the floor, or left taps dripping, or lights on when they leave a room.’
‘And if we find anyone doing anything wrong, or not green in any way, we will be forced to arrest them!’ said Betty, her eyes glinting in anticipation.
‘Really?’ exclaimed Mrs Bold. ‘And do you know how to arrest someone?’
‘Of course!’ said Bobby. ‘We restrain the culprit, subdue them if necessary and march them to the headteacher’s office quick sharp.’
Mrs Bold looked a little worried about this, but as it wasn’t going to happen till next term, she decided to think about it another time.
‘How was the rest of your last day?’ she asked.
‘It was great!’ said Bobby. ‘We didn’t do proper lessons. No maths, or anything awful like that.’
‘Oh, that’s good,’ said his mother. ‘What did you do instead?’
‘We watched a film about Planet Earth!’ said Betty.
‘That sounds interesting. What did you learn?’ asked Mrs Bold, pouring sparkling lemonade into three tumblers.
‘Well,’ began Minnie, ‘first we learned that there are millions of planets in the universe – but Planet Earth is special.’
‘Because we live here?’ asked Mrs Bold.
‘Er, yes. But we can only live here because Earth has just the right combination of water, atmosphere and climate,’ explained Minnie seriously.
‘And jokes!’ said Mr Bold, who’d just arrived home from his shift at the Christmas cracker factory where he worked. ‘Which reminds me...’
Why did the jellybean go to school?
To become a Smartie!
Betty giggled at her father’s joke but then her face became quite serious. ‘But now the planet is suffering,’ she informed her parents. ‘Global warming. Climate change. Pollution. Rising sea levels.’
‘And all because of humans,’ said Bobby, looking accusingly at Minnie.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘But I, for one, am very keen that we make things better while we still can.’
‘Well, what’s to be done?’ asked Mrs Bold, slicing up a delicious home-made chocolate cake.
‘That’s why Green Monitors are so important,’ said Bobby proudly. ‘We’re here to help and remind you.’
‘We must turn off electrical devices when they’re not needed and reduce our carbon footprint,’ said Betty.
‘Don’t waste water!’ said Bobby.
‘Reuse and recycle!’ chipped in Minnie. ‘And grow more plants to eat.’
‘And enjoy n
ature,’ said Betty.
‘This all sounds much like the way we hyenas live already,’ pondered Mr Bold.
‘Hmmm,’ said Mrs Bold. ‘Yes, it does sound a lot like the hyena way of life. But we do eat rather a lot of meat.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’ asked her husband.
‘Well, it’s not like we hunt and catch our own meat these days, dear. We buy most of it from the supermarket and I read somewhere that the meat industry is the worst cause of climate change in the world.’
‘Really? How?’ asked Mr Bold.
‘Well, it’s all the burps and farts the cows do,’ said Mrs Bold. ‘They release lots of methane gas into the atmosphere and that’s what’s heating up the planet and melting the polar ice caps.’
Mr Bold rolled on his back, laughing. ‘Cow burps! Cow farts?’ he said.
But Mrs Bold looked at him crossly. ‘Do get up, dear. We have a guest.’
‘Is that really true, Mum?’ asked Betty. ‘Cow burps are causing climate change?’
‘Yes, it is,’ said her mother.
(She’s right. If you don’t believe her or me, look it up. Cow burps are a major factor in climate change.)
‘So I’ve been thinking,’ continued Mrs Bold. ‘From now on we shall go veggie twice a week.’
‘Go veggie?’ asked Mr Bold. ‘What does that mean? No chops?’
‘Precisely. And tonight we’ll have a cheese and vegetable pasta bake,’ his wife informed him. ‘It will be delicious.’
‘I hope so,’ said Mr Bold, looking doubtful.
‘I hope so too,’ said Mrs Bold. ‘Because you’re doing the cooking.’
‘Oh,’ said Mr Bold.
Just then the door opened and in wandered Uncle Tony with Mr McNumpty, their next-door neighbour, back from a walk in Bushy Park.
‘Afternoon, everyone,’ said Mr McNumpty. ‘School finished now for the holidays, has it?’
‘Yes,’ confirmed the children.
‘And the twins have just been telling us they’ve been made Green Monitors,’ said their mother proudly.
‘Green Monitors, eh!’ said Uncle Tony, not really sure what a Green Monitor was.
‘How about you, Nigel?’ Mr Bold asked Mr McNumpty. ‘Do you fancy going green?’
‘But I’ve just bought myself a new blue coat. It would clash horribly... you know what they say: blue and green should never be seen.’
‘No, silly. Go green, as in save the planet!’ cried Bobby.
‘Oh, I see. All right then. I’m all for saving the planet. Will it take long? Only I want to go to the library and it closes at five.’
‘Well, according to the children we all have to do our bit. Er, grow vegetables, mind our footprints and stop emitting gas.’
Mr McNumpty patted his tummy thoughtfully. ‘Ahem. No more sprouts for me then.’
‘At school we now have a green area,’ Betty informed the adults. ‘Some of it’s a wild meadow and some of it is for growing vegetables. And there’s a beehive, a worm hotel and an ant farm.’
‘Beehive!’ said Mr McNumpty.
‘Yes, bees are easy to keep and do lots of good for the environment,’ said Betty.
‘You could have one in your garden, Mr McNumpty,’ suggested Bobby.
‘I could indeed, old chap. And then I could help myself to some honey every now and then. Excellent idea! Bears, as you know, are quite partial to honey,’ said Mr McNumpty, licking his lips. ‘There, now I’ve turned green. What fun!’
‘What can I do?’ asked Uncle Tony.
‘Well, we’re all going to be doing our bit in this house by eating less meat,’ Mrs Bold informed him.
‘Oh,’ he said sadly. ‘But I love meat.’
‘And we must never drop litter and always clear up our streets,’ said Bobby. ‘In fact we did some of that on our way home from school, didn’t we, Sis?’
There was something in the tone of Bobby’s voice that worried Mrs Bold.
‘And what did you do exactly, Bobby?’ she asked with a growing sense of foreboding.
The twins looked at each other and giggled. Minnie nudged them. ‘I told you not to!’
‘We noticed that the front garden at Number 10 needed some attention, that’s all,’ said Betty innocently.
‘Number 10? That’s the Binghams’ house. They’re so easily upset,’ exclaimed Mrs Bold.
‘And?’ asked Mr Bold.
‘And so we gave it some,’ said Bobby. ‘That’s all.’
‘Some attention?’ frowned his mother.
‘Some liquid fertiliser...’ said Bobby. The words hung in the air.
Mrs Bold rubbed her forehead. ‘Oh no. You’d better give me more details, please.’
‘Well, we were walking along Fairfield Road, picking up bits of litter. In the front garden of Number 10 we spotted a sweet wrapper,’ explained Betty. ‘It seemed a shame to leave it there, polluting our lovely street.’
‘Quite right!’ said Mr Bold.
‘So we jumped over the wall to get it,’ continued Bobby.
‘I didn’t. I knew it would lead to trouble,’ said Minnie.
‘I picked up the sweet wrapper and then I noticed the marigolds in the flowerbed were wilting,’ said Bobby.
‘It is quite a hot day out there,’ mused Uncle Tony.
‘And as it happened I needed a wee.’ Bobby’s voice became strangely quiet. Minnie shook her head.
‘So...’
‘You didn’t, Bobby!’ cried Mrs Bold.
‘Yes. I did.’
‘Good for the marigolds and good for the planet,’ said Betty helpfully. ‘Much better than using the loo and flushing it away.’
‘Think of the gallons of water you’ve saved!’ said Mr Bold, patting his son on the back affectionately. ‘Well done, my son!’
Mr McNumpty helped himself to a French fancy. ‘Oh well, as long as Mr and Mrs Bingham didn’t see you, I guess there’s no harm done.’
‘Er, they might have seen me,’ said Bobby.
‘Oh dear. “Might have”?’ asked Mrs Bold.
‘The net curtains twitched,’ recalled Minnie. ‘And there was a high-pitched scream.’
‘Maybe they were watching something scary on television?’ said Mr Bold reasonably. ‘They are quite a nervous couple.’
‘Then the window opened and Mr Bingham shook his fist and shouted something.’
‘What did he shout?’
‘We couldn’t hear because we ran away,’ said Betty.
‘The correct response to being shouted at,’ said Mr Bold approvingly.
Mrs Bold put her head in her hands.
Just then, Uncle Tony changed the subject by producing a postcard. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘I nearly forgot. This was on the doormat.’
‘How exciting,’ said Mrs Bold, taking it and reading it quickly.
‘Who’s it from?’ asked the twins.
‘See if you can guess,’ said Mrs Bold, holding up the card with an excited glint in her eyes. ‘I’ll give you a clue. What’s this?’
The twins and Minnie leaned over to look at the photo on the card.
‘Triangles!’ said Bobby.
‘No, dear,’ said Mrs Bold. ‘Think wonders of the world.’
‘The Pyramids!’ cried Minnie.
‘Correct! Well done, Minnie. And where are the Pyramids?’
‘Egypt,’ said Betty confidently.
‘Not necessarily,’ warned Minnie. ‘We shouldn’t forget the Great Pyramid of Cholula in Mexico.’
Bobby rolled his eyes. Sometimes Minnie was too clever for her own good these days.
Then Minnie peered closely at the postcard. ‘No. Betty is right. These are Egyptian! The Giza Pyramid Complex, which includes the Great Sphinx.’
‘Thank you,’ sa
id Betty.
‘Well done, Sis,’ said Bobby, nudging her so her slice of cake slid across her face. Betty’s extra-long tongue wiped it clean in a second.
‘And who might be writing to us Bolds from Egypt?’ asked Mrs Bold with a knowing look.
Can you guess? Well, let’s read on and find out.
At this point I’d better interrupt to explain something. You know the Bolds aren’t people, right? They are hyenas from Africa, living disguised as humans in a very pleasant house in Teddington. Everyone knows that by now, surely? This is the sixth book about them, after all.
But you never know. The thing about books is we have no idea where they will end up. I write them and shops sell them or people buy them online. They get read. But then what? They sit on bookshelves or get lent to friends. Or maybe they live in libraries and go to various different homes, back and forth. Books, it seems to me, can have adventures just like people. You might leave this book on the bus, for example. Someone might pick it up and take it home with them. Then what? Maybe they take it on holiday and leave it behind. On the beach, maybe. The book might be swept away when the tide comes in, float out to sea and get washed up on a desert island. On that island lives a lonely castaway who hasn’t had the pleasure of reading a decent book for years and years. He or she dries the book out and reads it with much excitement. But if it happened to be this book, and they hadn’t read any of the others in the series, they wouldn’t know, would they, about the Bolds’ unusual origins. You see what I mean? As the author I have a responsibility to cover every eventuality. I can’t assume that my reader knows all about the Bolds. That bit about Betty’s long tongue licking up the cake, for example, would be most confusing if you didn’t know she was a hyena. In fact I should probably have mentioned it earlier but I didn’t get round to it. Soz.
So, to be clear (in case this is being read by someone on a desert island), Fred and Amelia Bold are wild, laughing hyenas who left the Serengeti Plain to start a new life in Teddington. They learned to talk like humans, wear clothes, and walk on their hind legs. Mr Bold now has a job writing the jokes that go in Christmas crackers, and Mrs Bold makes very unusual hats out of discarded rubbish, like old flowerpots or birds’ nests, which she sells at her stall in Teddington market. Mr and Mrs Bold have twins called Betty and Bobby who go to school. There they met Minnie, who is one of the only people who knows their hyena secret. Minnie has promised never to tell.