by Julian Clary
A birthday pheasant!
‘That’s funny!’ said Bobby, and he strode off in the direction of the oak tree.
Minnie jumped in front of him.
Er, what did the hermit crab do on his birthday?
He shellebrated!
Betty chuckled, but walked around Minnie.
‘No, wait!’ said Minnie, playing for time.
What kind of party game do rabbits like most?
‘Musical hares, I expect,’ said Bobby, now slightly cross. ‘Let’s get going. We don’t want to miss the opening ceremony of the den, do we?’
‘There’s plenty of time,’ said Minnie.
Knock knock!
Betty rolled her eyes, reluctant to join in. ‘Look,’ she said. ‘We don’t want to hear any more jokes right now. OK? We’re not in the mood. Everyone except you has forgotten our birthday and—’ But just then Mr Bold’s high-pitched cackle was heard.
‘Is that Dad?’ asked Bobby.
‘Yes,’ said Betty. ‘Let’s just get to the oak tree.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Minnie, relieved. ‘Let’s.’
At the oak tree everything was ready. All the guests had been instructed to lie low in the long grass and ferns and hide, making no noise whatsoever. Just Mr and Mrs Bold were standing by the entrance to the den, looking as casual as possible, when the twins and Minnie arrived. Uncle Tony was pretending to snooze in a deckchair with Miranda asleep on his shoulder and Mr McNumpty appeared to be occupied with tying a bit of ribbon across the den entrance and didn’t look up.
‘Hi, Minnie dear,’ said Mrs Bold cheerily. ‘How are you today?’
‘I’m fine,’ said Minnie, as casually as she could.
‘That’s good,’ replied Mrs Bold, giving the little girl a pat on the shoulder. ‘Nice sunny day, isn’t it? Oh, what lovely badges, Betty and Bobby. What do they say?’ She leaned forward to read. Then said calmly: ‘Oh, of course. Silly me. I almost forgot... is it YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY?’
No sooner were the words spoken than suddenly animals of every shape and size rose up out of the ferns, some holding bunting and balloons, some pulling party poppers and all wearing party hats and holding presents.
‘SURPRISE!’ they boomed together. ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOBBY AND BETTY!’
And it was a surprise! Betty almost jumped out of her skin. Bobby hooted with delight.
‘Oh, wow! I don’t believe this!’ he cried. ‘We thought you’d forgotten.’
‘Never!’ said his dad.
‘This is just amazing!’ said Betty. ‘Look – just look who’s here!’
Apart from Annika, Charlie, Fergie, Fifi and Samir with their pups, there were lots of familiar faces who crowded around to offer birthday wishes. Some climbed the branches of the oak to see better and call out their greetings, and those with wings flew up in the sky.
The air was full of cries of ‘Happy birthday, Betty and Bobby!’
‘Remember us?’ said Minty Boy and Gangster’s Moll, the two racehorses whom the Bolds had rescued and helped a while back.
‘Congratulations!’ said Sylvie and Bert, the two loved-up foxes.
‘Couldn’t miss your special day!’ said Roger the sheep.
‘Yoo-hoo!’ said Craig the wild boar, another old guest.
‘Snappy birthday!’ snapped Snappy the goose.
‘Blessings on you, my children!’ prayed Sister Paulina the otter.
‘H-h-happy birth-d-day!’ puffed Pam the puffing puffin, who’d flown all the way from Cornwall.
‘Have a grrrreat day!’ purred Bertha the cougar.
‘Wishing you joy, dear Betty and Bobby!’ called Hector the cuckoo from his perch above.
‘Have a woofy birthday!’ barked Taxi the Jack Russell, before running off to chase Charlie in circles around the park.
There were cards and messages too, from those who couldn’t make it to Bushy Park: Grandma Imamu, Sheila the crocodile, Galileo the dolphin, and Jeffrey the ape man.
As the twins greeted all the guests one by one, Mr McNumpty put some pop music on the ghetto blaster and Mr and Mrs Bold opened the hamper and began to pass round the delicious, wholesome food and glasses of home-made lemonade.
And so the BIG surprise party took off and then went on. And on and on.
There was a pause when the twins, as guests of honour, were asked to cut the ceremonial ribbon and declare the new, ultra-green den open.
‘We hope Annika, Charlie and Fergie will be happy in their lovely new home,’ said Betty.
‘As happy as we are today,’ added Bobby.
‘We now declare this den open for residence!’
Everyone cheered and took it in turns to enter the burrow and admire all the smart, eco-friendly features and fittings. Particularly appreciated was the Home sweet home! sign that Mr Bold had made from an old piece of wood, the letters carved with his own teeth.
Later, just as things were peaking, Mrs Bold presented the twins with their special chocolate birthday cake. There were lots of stars and spangles on the top and, of course, ten candles.
‘Make a wish!’ Minnie instructed her friends. Betty and Bobby closed their eyes, took a deep breath and blew out all the candles on the first attempt. You must never tell anyone your birthday wish, but I know that the twins wished for everyone’s birthday to be as happy as theirs – and for the earth to heal and be well again. (I, for one, am very hopeful that their wish will come true.)
‘Hurrah!’ everyone cheered.
‘Et maintenant,’ said Fifi, ‘I wish for everyone to join me in singing “Bon Anniversaire”! In B-flat, please!’
Everyone of every species (and, despite instructions, in a variety of keys) sang:
’HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
DEAR BETTY AND BOBBY...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!’
After that cacophony there was fun, laughter, games, singing, dancing, chatter and even a few tears of happiness from Mrs Bold. As the party began to wind down and the spring sun started to set in the sky, Bobby, Betty and Minnie went around collecting and sorting all the rubbish into big, biodegradable sacks, and thanking all their guests for coming and making their tenth birthday so special.
‘The best party ever!’ said Fifi, as she and Samir gently groomed their contented pups. ‘And a wonderful end to my visit home.’
‘You’re not leaving, are you?’ asked Betty.
‘Soon, mon petit,’ said Fifi. ‘We ’ave been discussing our future.’ She looked affectionately at Samir. ‘We are to return to Egypt. Samir will stay at home with our babies and I will resume my singing career. The public demand to hear me sing and I cannot deny them this pleasure!’
‘But you will come back again one day?’ asked Bobby.
‘Mais oui!’ declared the French poodle passionately. ‘Wherever life might take me, my heart belongs with the Bolds. Always and for ever!’
And that, dear readers, goes for me as well.
THE END
MR BOLD'S JOKES
Why did the jellybean go to school?
To become a Smartie!
‘I used to work in a recycling centre, crushing cans.’
‘Did you really?’
‘Yes. But I had to give it up. It was soda pressing.’
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
What kind of flowers grow on your face?
Tu-lips!
Why did the ant smell?
Because he didn’t wear deodorANT!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truANT!
Where do ants go on holiday?
FrANTS!
What do you call the tallest ant in the world?
How did Noah see in the dark?
He used floodlights!
What do baby footballers do in their sleep?
Dribble!
Why didn’t the nose want to go to school?
Because he was tired of being picked on!
Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights!
How do bees get to school?
On the school buzz!
Why is a school like an old bus?
Because it’s full of nuts and has a crank up front!
What did the French skeleton call his friend?
Bone ami!
What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milkshake!
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten tickles!
What do you call a dog detective?
Sherlock Bones!
How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
Quite a PHEW!
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smell-icopter!
What did the watch say to the clock?
“Hour you doing!”
Have you heard the joke about the skunk and the camping trip?
Never mind, it really stinks!
What did the beaver say to the tree?
Been nice gnawing you!
What do you get when you cross a phone with a dog?
A golden receiver!
What do puppies eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs!
Why did the hyena get heartburn after eating birthday cake?
He forgot to take off the candles!
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch his legs!
Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Gus.
Gus who?
Gus whose birthday it is today!
What has wings, a long, colourful tail and wears a bow?
A birthday pheasant!
What did the hermit crab do on his birthday?
He shellebrated!
What kind of birthday party game do rabbits like most?
Musical hares
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you’ve got here!
What did the big tree say to the little tree?
Leaf me alone!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear!
Where does a caterpillar buy his clothes?
A cater-logue!
What’s a caterpillar’s favourite weapon?
A cater-pult
What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A worm in a fur coat!
What do you get if you cross a clock with a chicken?
A cluck!
What did the robber say to the clock?
Hands up!
Why can’t dogs drive?
Because they can’t find a barking space!
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because he held up a pair of trousers!
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad!
Why did Grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Tyrone.
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive next door.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business!
What animal do you look like when you get in the bath?
A little bear!
How do you know there’s a monster in your bath?
You can’t get the shower curtain closed!
What kind of table can you eat?
A vege-table!
Which birds steal soap from the bath?
Robber ducks
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going round in circles and get to the point!
What vegetables do librarians like?
Quiet peas!
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet!
What’s red and flies and wobbles at the same time?
A jelly-copter!
How do you make a milkshake?
Give it a good scare!
How do chimps make toast?
Under the gorilla!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why was the broom late?
He overswept!
Where do chimps get their gossip from?
The ape vine!
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block!
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A bab-boom!
What’s the best time to see gorillas in the wild?
Ape-ril!
What type of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What’s the difference between a schoolteacher and a train?
A teacher says, “Spit out your gum”, and the train says, “Chew, chew, chew!”
How do you know when a yacht is happy?
When it hugs the shore!
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck!